Heed Me Now: Do Not See Night Watch.

[naamah_darling]

I thought I should warn you about Night Watch.

Just in case Netflix decides not to publish my review, here is an enhanced version complete with the profanity I was forced to cut.

If you liked this movie, I suggest you skip this. Reading it might lead you to argue with me, which would forever tarnish my assessment of your sentience and call into

Comments

[joemorf]

Don't sugar coat it, tell us how you really feel!

~j

[naamah_darling]

It blew priapic zombie snow leopard.

. . .

No, it was even worse than that.

[spacezombie]

Oh, thank god. I hated it, too but I couldn't tell if it was bad or if I wasn't getting it. It was so bad it confused me that much.

I couldn't even finish The Host. I don't think I made it half way through.

[naamah_darling]

It wasn't just you. It was SO bad. Oh my god. I will have to wait for a while to let the horror fade, but it is definitely in the running for a top spot in the "too bad movies can't be, you know, KILLED" category.

It was horrible.

[aj_hyena]

Speaking of humankind, I suggest you read http://2-gryphon.livejournal.com/207307.html --- he died, thrice (trust me). Came back with a very insightful post.

[naamah_darling]

That is incredible. Fucking scary, but incredible.

I'm saving that as reference for future torture scenes, too. That shit is just flat-out disturbing.

[donsimpson]

Nice. I had an emergency heart operation once, and they did the catheter with me awake and sedated and watching the screens with the x-ray picture and the ECG traces and all, so reading this gave me some spooky flashbacks. But they didn't mess with my heartbeat, and they didn't tell me until after the operation why they had me cough. I didn't have the weird stuff happen, and if it had, I couldn't have made it so real with words.

[snakey]

If I hadn't read the book, I would have had no. fucking. clue. what was going on.

[naamah_darling]

I totally see the resemblances there, too. I liked Wanted. Not a whole lot, it had some issues, but it was at least really funny in places, and cool in others. This was neither.

[caprinus]

Huh, I wasn't gonna comment since I liked Nightwatch (the Slavic existential suckage of everything and everyone in it appealed to me a lot, perhaps it would be different if it didn't remind me of my childhood), but WHAT? You find nothing redeemable in NW yet you defend Wanted? We have a 180 degree disjoint here. Your review above is one I would unhesitatingly apply to the pile of rotting gorgon tripe that was this cinematic miscarriage. I do not understand what attractive features you might possibly be talking about. Gag, gag, gag! Watching Wanted I kept on thinking "wow, the director must have taken some blows to the head from the studio to screw up this badly. Clearly he had much more control back in Russia, Night Watch was so much better". And you get the exact opposite response. So weird.

As they say back home, "Każda potwora ma swego amatora" -- "Every monster has its lover", I guess.

[naamah_darling]

The plot is the key element here. Wanted was bad, really bad in a lot of ways, but it had a coherent -- if ridiculous -- plot. Night Watch had some ideas that it never bothered to share with the class.

Not to mention that "a secret brotherhood of assassins are told who to kill by Fate itself" and "a son searches for his father" are way, WAY better ideas to start with than "there is a Big Battle between Good and Evil" and "there's this special kid, see. . . ." NW was not only hackneyed in terms of plot, but what there was was so badly presented it made no sense at all.

At least, during Wanted, I always knew what was happening.