General, somewhat generic advice: Ultimately, you have to decide what you can and can't live with, set your boundaries, and stick to them. If you can't be happy in any poly relationship, you need to get out - but before making any drastic decisions you might want to carefully examine how much of that is tied up in your experience with C, which sounds very negative. If you think you can be happy in a poly relationship, you need to figure out what is going to work for you, as the current situation clearly isn't working for you. You might consider whether you should look for someone as a primary for yourself, while maintaining a secondary relationship with S. Do you "need" domestic life with S, or do you just have a need for domestic life with someone you care for. It's also possible another poly relationship might work for you, but this one just won't - because of the situation with C or whatever. Unless C has some sort of drastic personality adjustment, I wouldn't put much stock in the possibility you'll be living under the same
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Thank you so much for the reply,legolastn. Yeah. I have been struggling with that decision. I really don't think I can get what I completely need from a poly relationship. I tried dating other people and I am just too attached to S. I understand 100% what it means to be poly and I accept it. I just am unsure I can deal with the limitations of it in my own dilemna with being in one. I totally respect S's relationship with C. Because I am monogamous,S is my "primary". I really "need" a domestic life with the person I get serious with,and the only one I have felt that way about is S. I know there are other people out there,but they aren't him,yeah know
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Oh,as far as M. She moved out to be monogamous with her other boyfriend,R.
I recently found out that C had issues with M. C is very protective of how other partners treat S. If any of them(even unintentionally) hurt S she hates them. Of course,she completely disregards and excuses the times she has hurt S in an argument.
Here's the pickle: everyone has the capacity to love more than one person simultaneously but but everyone has the emotional capacity to do it without doing emotional damage to yourself. It's not clear how long you've been trying to manage this but it seems like it's been at least a year or more.
What is clear is that you have not been getting some fundamental needs met except on a piecemeal basis and it is damaging to you. If it is damaging to you, that means it's damaging to your daughter. I think in this whole mishegas, *she* needs to be your primary focus.
I'm also possibly seeing a couple of other things going on here. You refer to his wife a being/acting like a "queen bee". I'm going to bet that both of you feel like the other is acting in a presumptuous manner.
He still wants me to live with them and holds on to hope that it will happenWhat the hell is this about?? Hope is worth as much as a bucket of spit unless the three of you are working towards making this happen. What I read from your POV is
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Thanks for the reply,cinema babe. I have been with S a year and a half. I agree. My daughter needs to be my primary focus. So far she has been doing good. She has been happier since we moved out. I know that was best for her also,which was another reason I felt I had to leave
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"it can't be agonizing the times I am alone." is the big clue. Discomfort being alone is something you can work on individually in therapy, unrelated to your complicated relationship with S. Addressing it will build confidence and generally feel better, both outside the relationship AND in it. It moves the relationship from being "NEEDED" to "desirable" and gives a lot more room to everyone. I'd bet C would be a bit easier to work with as a result. It's a common experience, and working on it helps whether for this relationship or the next one and generally in your relationship to yourself as well as your daughter. Whether things can work with S/C? Remains to be seen, but this is a great starting point.
Gotta second this viewpoint here, but with the additional stipend that maybe you might want to consider not dating ANYONE for a while and being single and working on yourself and a life for your daughter until you figure out what it is you really want, instead of what you just desire for the moment. I know it's really, really hard being alone and lonely, but it seems like your past relationships have only gained you life drama.
Also a point from above, "I called her "the queen bee" because she felt since she was legally his wife and their first she deserved more nights with him and regulated the rules unfairly.
That isn't about her being unfair, it does work that way in some poly relationships, one partner takes precedence over others. Not everyone does it like that but I always have and prefer it that way. However, all of the partners need to communicate early and often about this sort of thing.
And it's still not clear to me that the *three of you* sat down and discussed these type of issues. I still think that one of the biggest issues is that your BF seemed to be more concerned with being in relationships than in doing the work to maintain them.
I agree with much of what has been said, and would only add that C does not seem to be making efforts to improve the dynamic between all three of you. There is not much you can do about this, that you havent already tried. When evaluating whether or not to stay with S, you really should also think about whether or not you want to stay involved with C for the rest of your life...because she is almost as large a part of the picture as S. IMHO, your bond with S will not be enough to sustain you through the challenges of dealing with C, if things with her do not improve.
For all my personal experience and stories from friends who are poly, the two points of a V relationship need to be friends at the least. Good Luck with this, sounds like a tough situation.
Kinda got that from your blog. If you ever need support,let me know. That probably seems creepy coming from a stranger,but sometimes it's easier to talk to one. =-)
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I recently found out that C had issues with M. C is very protective of how other partners treat S. If any of them(even unintentionally) hurt S she hates them. Of course,she completely disregards and excuses the times she has hurt S in an argument.
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Here's the pickle: everyone has the capacity to love more than one person simultaneously but but everyone has the emotional capacity to do it without doing emotional damage to yourself. It's not clear how long you've been trying to manage this but it seems like it's been at least a year or more.
What is clear is that you have not been getting some fundamental needs met except on a piecemeal basis and it is damaging to you. If it is damaging to you, that means it's damaging to your daughter. I think in this whole mishegas, *she* needs to be your primary focus.
I'm also possibly seeing a couple of other things going on here. You refer to his wife a being/acting like a "queen bee". I'm going to bet that both of you feel like the other is acting in a presumptuous manner.
He still wants me to live with them and holds on to hope that it will happenWhat the hell is this about?? Hope is worth as much as a bucket of spit unless the three of you are working towards making this happen. What I read from your POV is ( ... )
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"it can't be agonizing the times I am alone." is the big clue. Discomfort being alone is something you can work on individually in therapy, unrelated to your complicated relationship with S. Addressing it will build confidence and generally feel better, both outside the relationship AND in it. It moves the relationship from being "NEEDED" to "desirable" and gives a lot more room to everyone. I'd bet C would be a bit easier to work with as a result. It's a common experience, and working on it helps whether for this relationship or the next one and generally in your relationship to yourself as well as your daughter. Whether things can work with S/C? Remains to be seen, but this is a great starting point.
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Also a point from above, "I called her "the queen bee" because she felt since she was legally his wife and their first she deserved more nights with him and regulated the rules unfairly.
That isn't about her being unfair, it does work that way in some poly relationships, one partner takes precedence over others. Not everyone does it like that but I always have and prefer it that way. However, all of the partners need to communicate early and often about this sort of thing.
And it's still not clear to me that the *three of you* sat down and discussed these type of issues. I still think that one of the biggest issues is that your BF seemed to be more concerned with being in relationships than in doing the work to maintain them.
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For all my personal experience and stories from friends who are poly, the two points of a V relationship need to be friends at the least. Good Luck with this, sounds like a tough situation.
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