Internal Tug-of-War
WARNING: Complicated and may include rambling. My apologizes in advance.
I was in a marriage to my best friend for almost 13 years. For several years it came undone and attempts were made to fix it. During the fallout of my marriage (in which I still loved him but we were just incompatibile) I had a few online infatuations. The last one became an actual real life relationship. The guy ended up splitting with me. I became confused because I felt love for my husband and other people.
Then I met S. We had briefly met three years ago and reconnected online. We fell in love. From the beginning I knew he was poly. At that time he was engaged to C and living with both her and M. Him and C got married the same time we started dating. I began to wonder whether I was poly too,and unsure. I realize now that I was going through a transition between starting a relationship and painfully ending a marriage. When I fall,I fall so hard I don't want anybody else. my feelings changed to friendship with my ex-husband,eventually.
Anyways,after 8 months together I moved in with S and C. By this time S and M had broken up. From the beginning C felt very jealous and hostile towards me. We tried getting along but in the end she resented me...even when she was "queen bee" and dictated our schedule with S. It became more and more painful living with a partner who had another one. I became emotionally unpredictable and started becoming a problem drinker. Not only was life hell for me but I was making it that way for S and C. I moved out after almost a year living there. Me and S have continued to be together. I see him on Saturday and for dinner once during the week. We are now just about to start having me overnight on Friday and spend the day on Saturday until C gets home from work. Thing is,I continue to be tormented. We love each other like husband and wife. We have this bond that is as strong as metal,but this is the best it will ever get. I want to be able to be happy with that and let go of my needs to have a domestic life with him. He still wants me to live with them and holds on to hope that it will happen. This has been difficult for both of us. However,it has been a constant state of anxiety and pain for me. Our time together is unbelievably happy. I have been trying to focus on other things that make me happy. I have a daughter I adore. I have my photography. He is constantly in the back of my mind and everyday is a reminder of what I have to do without to be with him. Life only happens for us once. I don't want it to be without him,but it can't be agonizing the times I am alone. How to balance?
I was in a marriage to my best friend for almost 13 years. For several years it came undone and attempts were made to fix it. During the fallout of my marriage (in which I still loved him but we were just incompatibile) I had a few online infatuations. The last one became an actual real life relationship. The guy ended up splitting with me. I became confused because I felt love for my husband and other people.
Then I met S. We had briefly met three years ago and reconnected online. We fell in love. From the beginning I knew he was poly. At that time he was engaged to C and living with both her and M. Him and C got married the same time we started dating. I began to wonder whether I was poly too,and unsure. I realize now that I was going through a transition between starting a relationship and painfully ending a marriage. When I fall,I fall so hard I don't want anybody else. my feelings changed to friendship with my ex-husband,eventually.
Anyways,after 8 months together I moved in with S and C. By this time S and M had broken up. From the beginning C felt very jealous and hostile towards me. We tried getting along but in the end she resented me...even when she was "queen bee" and dictated our schedule with S. It became more and more painful living with a partner who had another one. I became emotionally unpredictable and started becoming a problem drinker. Not only was life hell for me but I was making it that way for S and C. I moved out after almost a year living there. Me and S have continued to be together. I see him on Saturday and for dinner once during the week. We are now just about to start having me overnight on Friday and spend the day on Saturday until C gets home from work. Thing is,I continue to be tormented. We love each other like husband and wife. We have this bond that is as strong as metal,but this is the best it will ever get. I want to be able to be happy with that and let go of my needs to have a domestic life with him. He still wants me to live with them and holds on to hope that it will happen. This has been difficult for both of us. However,it has been a constant state of anxiety and pain for me. Our time together is unbelievably happy. I have been trying to focus on other things that make me happy. I have a daughter I adore. I have my photography. He is constantly in the back of my mind and everyday is a reminder of what I have to do without to be with him. Life only happens for us once. I don't want it to be without him,but it can't be agonizing the times I am alone. How to balance?