Title: Ever So by rosedemonChallenge Prompts: Judgement Day, cinema, angst and "I know Lupin tried to talk her round, but she's still really down
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Typically I tend to think post-DOM hookups don't work very well, but this piece is an exception. I like that, even though they're both sad over Sirius, they don't seem overwhelmed or driven by a need to do something that feels like living. It's a gentle start to a relationship, much like I could envision it starting under any circumstances, and Remus' sweet romancing works nicely with a sense that they're not aware of just how bad things are going to get and what horrible timing this is
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First off, thanks for commenting and for the crit. It helps. :D
I may or may not do anything else with this..although I liked the ending a bit. May plagerise myself and paste it on another turn of the first time for them. And I am also not fond of the post-DOM get together stories. I do not see grief as a good basis for any one to start a romantic relationship. However, with the way this thing developed it just seemed natural.
Anyway..thanks again for the crit. It will help in the future.
There were a couple of bits of this that I thought were really marvelous. This exchange in particular:
“This is going to be complicated,” he sighed as she kissed his neck.
“Very,” she answered back, her tongue grazing his skin.
“We should really consider how foolish this is,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.
“Quite.” He could feel her hands slipping under his jacket and across his shirt.
“Dangerous in a lot of ways.” She smelled like almonds and honey, he thought.
“Terribly so.”
“I think we should...” his voice trailed off as he kissed once again this time with no holding back any reserve.
Tonks broke the kiss off and whispered, “Do you want to come in?”
I thought that had a real sense of anticipation and trepidation to it, and worked really well to convey their feelings and how much they both want to give in to them, even though they know there are issues.
And this line: "She looked like someone who was infatuated with the wrong man and did not know it." was really, really fabulous
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The comment about the forties made me laugh a bit. I had a hard time coming up with something that would include the prompts. I did not actually want to bring too many other characters into the fic, I just wanted to keep it between Remus and Tonks. The quotation made it hard to do.
Anyway this painting by Edward Hopper was the inspiration for the ficlet. Yes, I think I was channeling a bit of the 1940's here although not entirely on purpose. I think a background in journalism also sneaks into my writing once and awhile.
Thanks for reading and giving crit on this. I do appreciate this effort. The only way any of us can grow as writers is if we hear not only what we are doing right but also what is weak in our work. (I wasn't happy with the conversation in the cafe either, to tell the truth)
No problem. I'm just glad you're not chasing me around with a rolling pin ;).
That's a great painting, and knowing you had it on the brain makes the whole thing make even more sense. I think sometimes these things just seep in (and would you believe, Brief Encounter is on TV right now? How strange) and come out again where you least expect it.
Oh, how very sweet. I love how they gradually become closer and closer as the evening goes on. You definitely have a gift for description, which feeds into the development of their relationship. And the exchange between them at the end (in between kisses!) is so true to life.
Very cute. I loved their exchange in-between kisses. :D
I don't tend to like their relationship starting post-DOM, as that's around the time when I envision Remus breaking it off, but this was surprisingly welldone. Loved it. :)
I really liked your descriptions, both of the actions, and of the cafe. And you included lots of lovely little details--the way his arm felt under his jacket, the reactions of their waiter, Remus doing his casual little Obliviate, and Tonks not findng her keys and using her wand instead. All these little details make the piece richer, and more real.
One little issue: by including Harry in her list of people who are worried about her mood, you make it sound like this is set a few months into HBP, but based on her hair/actions in the book, the breakup had already happened by then. In revision, I would recommend leaving Harry's name off of the list, and clarifying that this is less than three weeks after Sirius's death.
And I agree that their little exchange at the end, outside her flat, is wonderful. Overall, lovely.
First off, thanks for the crit. I do appreciate it. :D
I have had some issues with the fic. There were some things I did that I was rather pleased with, and some that I just could not get to work for me. I may try to salvage it in some form or another at a later date.
Comments 16
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I may or may not do anything else with this..although I liked the ending a bit. May plagerise myself and paste it on another turn of the first time for them. And I am also not fond of the post-DOM get together stories. I do not see grief as a good basis for any one to start a romantic relationship. However, with the way this thing developed it just seemed natural.
Anyway..thanks again for the crit. It will help in the future.
Reply
“This is going to be complicated,” he sighed as she kissed his neck.
“Very,” she answered back, her tongue grazing his skin.
“We should really consider how foolish this is,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.
“Quite.” He could feel her hands slipping under his jacket and across his shirt.
“Dangerous in a lot of ways.” She smelled like almonds and honey, he thought.
“Terribly so.”
“I think we should...” his voice trailed off as he kissed once again this time with no holding back any reserve.
Tonks broke the kiss off and whispered, “Do you want to come in?”
I thought that had a real sense of anticipation and trepidation to it, and worked really well to convey their feelings and how much they both want to give in to them, even though they know there are issues.
And this line: "She looked like someone who was infatuated with the wrong man and did not know it." was really, really fabulous ( ... )
Reply
Anyway this painting by Edward Hopper was the inspiration for the ficlet. Yes, I think I was channeling a bit of the 1940's here although not entirely on purpose. I think a background in journalism also sneaks into my writing once and awhile.
Thanks for reading and giving crit on this. I do appreciate this effort. The only way any of us can grow as writers is if we hear not only what we are doing right but also what is weak in our work. (I wasn't happy with the conversation in the cafe either, to tell the truth)
Again, thanks. :D
Reply
That's a great painting, and knowing you had it on the brain makes the whole thing make even more sense. I think sometimes these things just seep in (and would you believe, Brief Encounter is on TV right now? How strange) and come out again where you least expect it.
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I appreciate both.
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I don't tend to like their relationship starting post-DOM, as that's around the time when I envision Remus breaking it off, but this was surprisingly welldone. Loved it. :)
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One little issue: by including Harry in her list of people who are worried about her mood, you make it sound like this is set a few months into HBP, but based on her hair/actions in the book, the breakup had already happened by then. In revision, I would recommend leaving Harry's name off of the list, and clarifying that this is less than three weeks after Sirius's death.
And I agree that their little exchange at the end, outside her flat, is wonderful. Overall, lovely.
Reply
I have had some issues with the fic. There were some things I did that I was rather pleased with, and some that I just could not get to work for me. I may try to salvage it in some form or another at a later date.
Anyway, thanks for reading it.
Reply
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