Title: Ever So by rosedemonChallenge Prompts: Judgement Day, cinema, angst and "I know Lupin tried to talk her round, but she's still really down
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There were a couple of bits of this that I thought were really marvelous. This exchange in particular:
“This is going to be complicated,” he sighed as she kissed his neck.
“Very,” she answered back, her tongue grazing his skin.
“We should really consider how foolish this is,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.
“Quite.” He could feel her hands slipping under his jacket and across his shirt.
“Dangerous in a lot of ways.” She smelled like almonds and honey, he thought.
“Terribly so.”
“I think we should...” his voice trailed off as he kissed once again this time with no holding back any reserve.
Tonks broke the kiss off and whispered, “Do you want to come in?”
I thought that had a real sense of anticipation and trepidation to it, and worked really well to convey their feelings and how much they both want to give in to them, even though they know there are issues.
And this line: "She looked like someone who was infatuated with the wrong man and did not know it." was really, really fabulous.
Overall I liked the pared down and rather sparse tone you gave this (I assume you were going for some kind of 1940s Brief Encounter type feel?) - appropriate for them when they're both grieving and there's so much going on in their world, but at times, particularly early on and in the cafe, I felt that the dialogue was a little bit too stilted and didn't really fit with what happened later. It's a pretty minor niggle, though - I liked this a lot.
The comment about the forties made me laugh a bit. I had a hard time coming up with something that would include the prompts. I did not actually want to bring too many other characters into the fic, I just wanted to keep it between Remus and Tonks. The quotation made it hard to do.
Anyway this painting by Edward Hopper was the inspiration for the ficlet. Yes, I think I was channeling a bit of the 1940's here although not entirely on purpose. I think a background in journalism also sneaks into my writing once and awhile.
Thanks for reading and giving crit on this. I do appreciate this effort. The only way any of us can grow as writers is if we hear not only what we are doing right but also what is weak in our work. (I wasn't happy with the conversation in the cafe either, to tell the truth)
No problem. I'm just glad you're not chasing me around with a rolling pin ;).
That's a great painting, and knowing you had it on the brain makes the whole thing make even more sense. I think sometimes these things just seep in (and would you believe, Brief Encounter is on TV right now? How strange) and come out again where you least expect it.
“This is going to be complicated,” he sighed as she kissed his neck.
“Very,” she answered back, her tongue grazing his skin.
“We should really consider how foolish this is,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.
“Quite.” He could feel her hands slipping under his jacket and across his shirt.
“Dangerous in a lot of ways.” She smelled like almonds and honey, he thought.
“Terribly so.”
“I think we should...” his voice trailed off as he kissed once again this time with no holding back any reserve.
Tonks broke the kiss off and whispered, “Do you want to come in?”
I thought that had a real sense of anticipation and trepidation to it, and worked really well to convey their feelings and how much they both want to give in to them, even though they know there are issues.
And this line: "She looked like someone who was infatuated with the wrong man and did not know it." was really, really fabulous.
Overall I liked the pared down and rather sparse tone you gave this (I assume you were going for some kind of 1940s Brief Encounter type feel?) - appropriate for them when they're both grieving and there's so much going on in their world, but at times, particularly early on and in the cafe, I felt that the dialogue was a little bit too stilted and didn't really fit with what happened later. It's a pretty minor niggle, though - I liked this a lot.
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Anyway this painting by Edward Hopper was the inspiration for the ficlet. Yes, I think I was channeling a bit of the 1940's here although not entirely on purpose. I think a background in journalism also sneaks into my writing once and awhile.
Thanks for reading and giving crit on this. I do appreciate this effort. The only way any of us can grow as writers is if we hear not only what we are doing right but also what is weak in our work. (I wasn't happy with the conversation in the cafe either, to tell the truth)
Again, thanks. :D
Reply
That's a great painting, and knowing you had it on the brain makes the whole thing make even more sense. I think sometimes these things just seep in (and would you believe, Brief Encounter is on TV right now? How strange) and come out again where you least expect it.
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