I do not know how to word this. I have sat down and tried to write out my feelings many times with no avail. Time is running short however and you must know what is happening.
Please know that my affection for you remains unchanged. You taught me how to feel Dean. You are the most important thing in my entire existence, I would not be the angel I am today if it had not been for you.
Heaven remains in pieces , leaderless. Brother fights brother, my family has turned against each other. I have avoided going back for some time now and I am afraid I can no longer ignore the issue.
My family needs me Dean, you must understand that. They call for me every night and even as I hold you in my arms... I must return to them.
Hello darlinghunting_tripMay 25 2012, 14:52:24 UTC
[He found it on the small table in the motel room he was calling home that particular week. Granted, he hadn't fully expected Cas to be there when he woke up, maybe in the shower, grabbing food, taking care of angel business, whatever the hell he did during the brief spans of time he spent away from Dean.
But he wasn't expecting this.
He... wasn't expecting... this.
That right there is a problem, isn't it? Because he should have. Anybody else, anyone, and he'd have been preparing for this from the beginning. And why the fuck not? He loses them. He loses everyone. At some point in his life, anyone he cares about, anyone he loves, they all leave, don't they? They die, or they get sick of him, or they find something... better. Mom, Sam, Dad, Sam, Lisa...
Cas.
He thought... well, really, he hadn't thought, had he? If he would have, he probably would have cussed himself out for being so stupid about it in the first place. Something about Cas, though, it just felt like... it really felt like he was gonna be there. For... well, you
( ... )
Omfg this is so sad ;_______; holy_hand_printMay 26 2012, 04:37:47 UTC
[It had been nearly a month and a half of searching. Dean Winchester was a difficult son of a bitch to track when he wanted to be. It seemed like this time the hunter didn't want to be found by anyone. Castiel was persistent though, he searched and searched, inquired , hunted, found and scrambled his way following the mans trail. Castiel was determined, he had to find Dean Winchester. He hand to
( ... )
[It was a testament to just how messed up he was that he didn't have more protection against Cas's entrance. No devil's traps, no salt lines, hell, he didn't even have the latch bolted. Normally, that would be fine, because the hunter was used to jumping out of bed at a hair trigger. It went beyond hearing- if his body even felt another entity in the room, he'd be awake, gun in hand, before the other person could blink
( ... )
RIGHT IN THE FEELINGS. holy_hand_printMay 31 2012, 04:37:58 UTC
[Dean Winchester was trying to get himself killed. He had given up , there was no other explanation. The lack of protective wards, the door being unlocked and Deans delayed reaction. The hunter wouldn't have even noticed Castiels presence if he hadn't touched him.
What had happened to Dean to make the hunter lose the will to live so badly? It couldn't possibly be just Castiels leaving. There must of been something else.
The man watched as Dean tumbled off the bed, pointed a shaky gun in between his blue eyes. Castiel just tilted his head, elbows resting on his knees, squatting there as he observed the hunter carefully. Eyes were blood red with exhaustion, his five oclock shadow was rather prominent and his hair was an absolute mess. Clothes were wrinkled and dirty and Dean just looked like he had given up on life. It was heart breaking. Really, it was.]
...Dean.
[The voice spoke carefully, deep as always as he kept his distance. Dean was convinced Castiel was a hallucination, and being as drunk as Dean was Castiel didn't want to
( ... )
A swift kick indeedhunting_tripMay 31 2012, 05:50:17 UTC
[It wasn't that he was trying to get himself killed. He wasn't suicidal or anything, just he... didn't care. Didn't even think about it. Either he was too drunk to notice, or he just... didn't care. What the fuck did it matter, anyway? Who was going to come after a broken down hunter that wasn't even hunting anymore? He was about as big of a threat as an old dog with a bad hip.
Sam was gone. Cas was gone. He could have coped with the first as long as he had the second. No. Cas was gone, too. Except he left voluntarily. Left Dean alone, to... nothing. He had nothing left. No Dad, no Sammy... Not even Jo. Just... nothing. Granted, Bobby would tan his hide if he heard that, but Bobby had enough on his plate without Dean dragging him back into hell.
He didn't look up at the sound of Cas's voice, but his shoulders jerked as though startled. He gripped his hair tighter, let out a slow breath.]Yeah, Cas. I remember you. You, and the liter of Crown I had this morning. Or... yesterday. Last night? Shit. Just... not today, okay? Just not
( ... )
[You would be surprised what kind of monsters would want to kill you while you were down.
Did Dean hallucinate of Castiel and his other lost family members often? Was that why he tried to convince himself that the man before him was all just part of his imagination?
Oh God, what did Castiel leave behind? Leaving Dean was such a difficult decision, the angel hadn't wanted to do it but his family-...
No that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered now was the hunter before him, and how far said hunter had fallen. Castiel moved closer to the other, head ducked low between his shoulders as blue eyes set on the man before him.]
I am not a hallucination.
[Castiels voice was steady, calm. Slowly he lifted a hand and hesitated before gently placing the tips of his fingers over the top of Deans hand. Castiel took in a shaky breath , gaze set on Dean as his other hand braced against the bed for support.]
[It was true that Dean had a large number of creatures that wouldn't mind getting a little revenge on him while his guard was down. If he'd been in any fit state, he would have noticed and taken a few countermeasures. That was a rather large 'if', though, given the current circumstances.
And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy
( ... )
[snuggles] ;__________;holy_hand_printMay 31 2012, 12:15:39 UTC
[Castiel hadn't expected it to get this bad. He wouldn't have left if he knew this was what would happen to Dean. The angel was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to stay with Dean, protect him, but Castiels family in heaven needed him. Cas couldn't just abandon his brethren, and Dean never said...
He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from
( ... )
[His eyes stayed wide and unguarded as Cas's hand enveloped his, brought it up slowly to press against his cheek. He could feel it. Really feel it- the smoothness of his fingers, the scratch of his perpetual five o'clock shadow against his palm...
It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
[The way that Dean ripped his hand away from the mans face startled Castiel. He hadn't been expecting it. His eyes were wide in confusion, watching as Dean stumbled away from the older man and nearly tripped over the excess of cans and liquor bottles.
Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
[He straightened his shoulders, liquor and anger coursing through his veins. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fucking fair. He was going to pop in, remind Dean of everything, and then flit off to heaven again. It might even be beyond your time. Is that fucking right, Cas? Was he that easy to leave behind?
The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
[Life wasn't fair, Castiel was learning that more and more each passing day. Castiel knew his duty, he knew that his brethren were lost in heaven , fighting each other and leaderless. They were killing one another. It was Castiels responsibility to return to heaven and make order. He had it, he was a soldier of God after all.
The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the
( ... )
[Yeah, he got that. He did. Family feuds. Heaven's Sheriff. Leading the resistance. He sympathizes. But that doesn't change the facts, and the fact of the matter is Cas was going to leave. One way or another, he was going to leave, and Dean would have nothing. Again. He wasn't asking Cas to stay behind, hell, he wasn't asking Cas not to fight. He knew better than that. He wouldn't have stopped fighting the apocalypse for anyone, because it had to be done.
Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude,
( ... )
[Thats right, Castiel did leave. He left Dean alone, went to patrol heaven in a way that he thought his father would want and all he got was grief for it. All he felt was regret. Every moment he was in heaven his heart ached to be back on earth. With Dean. Castiel was just too big an idiot and tried to ignore it.
Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
Reply
I do not know how to word this. I have sat down and tried to write out my feelings many times with no avail. Time is running short however and you must know what is happening.
Please know that my affection for you remains unchanged. You taught me how to feel Dean. You are the most important thing in my entire existence, I would not be the angel I am today if it had not been for you.
Heaven remains in pieces , leaderless. Brother fights brother, my family has turned against each other. I have avoided going back for some time now and I am afraid I can no longer ignore the issue.
My family needs me Dean, you must understand that. They call for me every night and even as I hold you in my arms... I must return to them.
They need me ( ... )
Reply
But he wasn't expecting this.
He... wasn't expecting... this.
That right there is a problem, isn't it? Because he should have. Anybody else, anyone, and he'd have been preparing for this from the beginning. And why the fuck not? He loses them. He loses everyone. At some point in his life, anyone he cares about, anyone he loves, they all leave, don't they? They die, or they get sick of him, or they find something... better. Mom, Sam, Dad, Sam, Lisa...
Cas.
He thought... well, really, he hadn't thought, had he? If he would have, he probably would have cussed himself out for being so stupid about it in the first place. Something about Cas, though, it just felt like... it really felt like he was gonna be there. For... well, you ( ... )
Reply
Reply
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What had happened to Dean to make the hunter lose the will to live so badly? It couldn't possibly be just Castiels leaving. There must of been something else.
The man watched as Dean tumbled off the bed, pointed a shaky gun in between his blue eyes. Castiel just tilted his head, elbows resting on his knees, squatting there as he observed the hunter carefully. Eyes were blood red with exhaustion, his five oclock shadow was rather prominent and his hair was an absolute mess. Clothes were wrinkled and dirty and Dean just looked like he had given up on life. It was heart breaking. Really, it was.]
...Dean.
[The voice spoke carefully, deep as always as he kept his distance. Dean was convinced Castiel was a hallucination, and being as drunk as Dean was Castiel didn't want to ( ... )
Reply
Sam was gone. Cas was gone. He could have coped with the first as long as he had the second. No. Cas was gone, too. Except he left voluntarily. Left Dean alone, to... nothing. He had nothing left. No Dad, no Sammy... Not even Jo. Just... nothing. Granted, Bobby would tan his hide if he heard that, but Bobby had enough on his plate without Dean dragging him back into hell.
He didn't look up at the sound of Cas's voice, but his shoulders jerked as though startled. He gripped his hair tighter, let out a slow breath.]Yeah, Cas. I remember you. You, and the liter of Crown I had this morning. Or... yesterday. Last night? Shit. Just... not today, okay? Just not ( ... )
Reply
Did Dean hallucinate of Castiel and his other lost family members often? Was that why he tried to convince himself that the man before him was all just part of his imagination?
Oh God, what did Castiel leave behind? Leaving Dean was such a difficult decision, the angel hadn't wanted to do it but his family-...
No that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered now was the hunter before him, and how far said hunter had fallen. Castiel moved closer to the other, head ducked low between his shoulders as blue eyes set on the man before him.]
I am not a hallucination.
[Castiels voice was steady, calm. Slowly he lifted a hand and hesitated before gently placing the tips of his fingers over the top of Deans hand. Castiel took in a shaky breath , gaze set on Dean as his other hand braced against the bed for support.]
Can you feel that? I am here, Dean.
Reply
And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy ( ... )
Reply
He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from ( ... )
Reply
It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
Reply
Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
Reply
The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
Reply
The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the ( ... )
Reply
Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude, ( ... )
Reply
Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
I won't.
So stop asking.
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