[It was true that Dean had a large number of creatures that wouldn't mind getting a little revenge on him while his guard was down. If he'd been in any fit state, he would have noticed and taken a few countermeasures. That was a rather large 'if', though, given the current circumstances.
And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy.
And then he touched Dean.
Reached out and brushed his fingertips along Dean's hand. Dean jerked back, wide-eyed, lips parted, uncomprehending. It had never been this bad before. There was never... he was always gone before Dean could touch him, before he could tell him everything, confess his sins like Cas could save his soul.
Because Cas had saved his soul before, hadn't he?
This wasn't fair. His throat caught, thick, and his Adam's Apple bobbed. Cas, are you God? No. Just Cas. This couldn't be real. Cas was gone. And if it was real, it still wasn't fair. Because Cas left.
[snuggles] ;__________;holy_hand_printMay 31 2012, 12:15:39 UTC
[Castiel hadn't expected it to get this bad. He wouldn't have left if he knew this was what would happen to Dean. The angel was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to stay with Dean, protect him, but Castiels family in heaven needed him. Cas couldn't just abandon his brethren, and Dean never said...
He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from his five oclock shadow scratching the mans palm. The angel kept his gaze steady, blue eyes seemingly boring in to green as he held Dean there.]
[His eyes stayed wide and unguarded as Cas's hand enveloped his, brought it up slowly to press against his cheek. He could feel it. Really feel it- the smoothness of his fingers, the scratch of his perpetual five o'clock shadow against his palm...
It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
[The way that Dean ripped his hand away from the mans face startled Castiel. He hadn't been expecting it. His eyes were wide in confusion, watching as Dean stumbled away from the older man and nearly tripped over the excess of cans and liquor bottles.
Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
[He straightened his shoulders, liquor and anger coursing through his veins. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fucking fair. He was going to pop in, remind Dean of everything, and then flit off to heaven again. It might even be beyond your time. Is that fucking right, Cas? Was he that easy to leave behind?
The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
[Life wasn't fair, Castiel was learning that more and more each passing day. Castiel knew his duty, he knew that his brethren were lost in heaven , fighting each other and leaderless. They were killing one another. It was Castiels responsibility to return to heaven and make order. He had it, he was a soldier of God after all.
The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the stupid angel , had fallen for.]
I came a long way to see you, Dean Winchester. I was the one who pulled you out of hell and brought you unto this world. I have died for you countless times to prove my loyalty. Went against everything I knew for you.
[Yeah, he got that. He did. Family feuds. Heaven's Sheriff. Leading the resistance. He sympathizes. But that doesn't change the facts, and the fact of the matter is Cas was going to leave. One way or another, he was going to leave, and Dean would have nothing. Again. He wasn't asking Cas to stay behind, hell, he wasn't asking Cas not to fight. He knew better than that. He wouldn't have stopped fighting the apocalypse for anyone, because it had to be done.
Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude, and you can shove it up your ass, because frankly? I don't have the energy to fight with you anymore. I give up. You win, and I get it, okay? I do. I get it. Whatever you wanna hear from me, whatever gets you off my case, fine. I give up. I'm done. Just get outta here.
[Thats right, Castiel did leave. He left Dean alone, went to patrol heaven in a way that he thought his father would want and all he got was grief for it. All he felt was regret. Every moment he was in heaven his heart ached to be back on earth. With Dean. Castiel was just too big an idiot and tried to ignore it.
Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
[He managed to hold the aggressive stance for all of another two seconds, and then his shoulders slumped. He squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his jaw, and let out a low breath. As he did, the tension bled from his neck, from his coiled fists, which went lax and dropped to his sides.
He didn't open his eyes again as he spoke.]
Cas...
[His voice broke a little, sounded as haggard as he looked.]
Please. I get... your family needs you. I get that. But you can't keep... I can't keep saying goodbye to you, do you get that? I- you left a note, Cas. I thought- I thought I was never gonna see you again.
[A beat.]
I'm not sure that you get... I'm not sure that it means the same thing to you as it does to me.
That note has been and will always be my greatest regret. It was wrong, I know that now. I would give anything to take it back.
[Castiel confessed, stepping closer, so close that their foreheads were almost touching. Blue eyes searched the man before , trying to get Dean to open his eyes through sheer will alone.]
Do not question the merits of my feelings for you.
[The mans expression was pained as he leaned in closer.]
Just- Damn it Dean. Open your eyes, You'll see how I intend to remain by your side.
[When Dean opens his eyes at such a close distance he will begin to notice some things about Cas. Like how his beard seemed to be growing in, or how his skin looked worn and there was a shadow forming about his brow. There was a dirt smudge on his collar, his cuff was frayed and his clothing was far more wrinkled than usual. Not the usual pristine cleanliness that the angels presented themselves in at all times. No , Castiels tired expression and badly bed headed hair made him look all more human.]
[He could feel it, like he could always feel Cas's proximity, a subtle energy more than any warmth in the space right in front of him. His fists tightened again, resisting the urge to... to what?
To lash out? Punch him, maybe, or fist a hand in his coat and drag him closer? He's not sure which, just that he's too drunk, too tired, too empty for this. He... he can't ride this roller coaster, god damn it, he's just not stable enough since Sam fell.]
No.
[But it was more like a question, a choked plea. Mercy, please.
He opened them anyway, eyes focusing on the blues in front of him, flicking down to take in his lips, his cheeks, his face, all the subtle changes, the little details that had started to blur thanks to the alcohol, thanks to Dean's fervor in trying to forget them.
A hand came up of it's own accord, fingers curling around Cas's jaw. It wasn't a tender caress, more like a firm grip to direct his chin to a more pointed angle.
But for how long.
As much as he wanted to believe, that thought... it kept coming back. What insurance did he have? What could he possibly offer Cas in exchange for him being a constant in Dean's life? What did he have to make it worth it, compared to a war threatening the entirety of Cas's family? A drunk, pathetic hunter who'd already been abandoned twice, a shadow of the Righteous Man who wasn't significant in any way now that the war was over. This is probably the only time he's ever going to be strong enough to let go, because after today...]
If you're ever gonna leave... If you gotta go home, police heaven, run the world, if you're ever gonna get away from me, you gotta do it now. You understand? Now. 'Cause I... Damn it, Cas, you just don't get... The shit I feel for you, it isn't like Sam, it's different, and you can't play with that.
[Punch, kick, scream. It was all deserved and honestly Castiel had been expecting it. Dean Winchester was a very action oriented person. If he was angry then you know. He made sure you knew it. The apparent calm that was coming from the hunter was actually a lot more frightening. Castiel would rather have Dean throwing lamps at him then this. At least with the lamps there was still passion, a fire. With Dean holding him in place, near tears and voice so quiet... Damn, it just really sunk in how much the man before him broke Dean.
Guilt would be Castiels friend for a very long time.
The mans expression weakened as Dean denied him. Please Dean, do do that. Castiel couldn't bear it if he went through all that he did only to not be with you at the end of the day.
Castiel said nothing as Dean grabbed his jaw, studied it through the blurred alcoholic vision. The man just let it happen, let Dean direct his profile, pure affection pumping through for the man before him.
It was sad really. Castiel could cry for the fact that Dean didn't realize how important he was to this celestial entity. This was Dean Winchester, his beloved. It may have been the fact that he was the righteous man that brought them together but those simple feelings only lasted for Cas up until he pulled Dean from the depths below.
When Castiel first laid hand on you in hell, he was lost!
It wasn't about losing himself, Hester didn't understand. She never would. This decision was the right one, he knew it. Dean needed him. And you know what? He needed Dean.
Slowly Cas lifted his hands and cupped Deans, ever so gently as he stared up at the hunter. His blue eyes failed to hide his feelings, every ounce of affection and dedication was just pouring out of the angel at the moment.]
That isn't an option for me anymore , Dean.
[Cas turned in to the hand, nudging it softly with his cheek.]
You're it. Thats all there is. I live for you, I die for you. You have my heart , Dean Winchester. And anything else you could ask for I will give.
[Cas' hands steadied Deans, stretching the fingers so they lay flat and Cas could rest his cheek against the palm. The man closed his eyes, leaning his weight against the open hand.]
I do not wish to play. I simply wish to remain by your side until my end. Just understand me, Dean. I feel for you, you just as much a part of me as I am of you.
[Castiel opened his eyes once again, looking up at the hunter.]
And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy.
And then he touched Dean.
Reached out and brushed his fingertips along Dean's hand. Dean jerked back, wide-eyed, lips parted, uncomprehending. It had never been this bad before. There was never... he was always gone before Dean could touch him, before he could tell him everything, confess his sins like Cas could save his soul.
Because Cas had saved his soul before, hadn't he?
This wasn't fair. His throat caught, thick, and his Adam's Apple bobbed. Cas, are you God? No. Just Cas. This couldn't be real. Cas was gone. And if it was real, it still wasn't fair. Because Cas left.
It took him a second to find words.]
Why're... You're real?
Reply
He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from his five oclock shadow scratching the mans palm. The angel kept his gaze steady, blue eyes seemingly boring in to green as he held Dean there.]
I am real.
Reply
It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
Reply
Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
Reply
The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
Reply
The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the stupid angel , had fallen for.]
I came a long way to see you, Dean Winchester. I was the one who pulled you out of hell and brought you unto this world. I have died for you countless times to prove my loyalty. Went against everything I knew for you.
You will show me some respect.
Reply
Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude, and you can shove it up your ass, because frankly? I don't have the energy to fight with you anymore. I give up. You win, and I get it, okay? I do. I get it. Whatever you wanna hear from me, whatever gets you off my case, fine. I give up. I'm done. Just get outta here.
Reply
Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
I won't.
So stop asking.
Reply
He didn't open his eyes again as he spoke.]
Cas...
[His voice broke a little, sounded as haggard as he looked.]
Please. I get... your family needs you. I get that. But you can't keep... I can't keep saying goodbye to you, do you get that? I- you left a note, Cas. I thought- I thought I was never gonna see you again.
[A beat.]
I'm not sure that you get... I'm not sure that it means the same thing to you as it does to me.
Reply
[Castiel confessed, stepping closer, so close that their foreheads were almost touching. Blue eyes searched the man before , trying to get Dean to open his eyes through sheer will alone.]
Do not question the merits of my feelings for you.
[The mans expression was pained as he leaned in closer.]
Just- Damn it Dean. Open your eyes, You'll see how I intend to remain by your side.
[When Dean opens his eyes at such a close distance he will begin to notice some things about Cas. Like how his beard seemed to be growing in, or how his skin looked worn and there was a shadow forming about his brow. There was a dirt smudge on his collar, his cuff was frayed and his clothing was far more wrinkled than usual. Not the usual pristine cleanliness that the angels presented themselves in at all times. No , Castiels tired expression and badly bed headed hair made him look all more human.]
Reply
To lash out? Punch him, maybe, or fist a hand in his coat and drag him closer? He's not sure which, just that he's too drunk, too tired, too empty for this. He... he can't ride this roller coaster, god damn it, he's just not stable enough since Sam fell.]
No.
[But it was more like a question, a choked plea. Mercy, please.
He opened them anyway, eyes focusing on the blues in front of him, flicking down to take in his lips, his cheeks, his face, all the subtle changes, the little details that had started to blur thanks to the alcohol, thanks to Dean's fervor in trying to forget them.
A hand came up of it's own accord, fingers curling around Cas's jaw. It wasn't a tender caress, more like a firm grip to direct his chin to a more pointed angle.
But for how long.
As much as he wanted to believe, that thought... it kept coming back. What insurance did he have? What could he possibly offer Cas in exchange for him being a constant in Dean's life? What did he have to make it worth it, compared to a war threatening the entirety of Cas's family? A drunk, pathetic hunter who'd already been abandoned twice, a shadow of the Righteous Man who wasn't significant in any way now that the war was over. This is probably the only time he's ever going to be strong enough to let go, because after today...]
If you're ever gonna leave... If you gotta go home, police heaven, run the world, if you're ever gonna get away from me, you gotta do it now. You understand? Now. 'Cause I... Damn it, Cas, you just don't get... The shit I feel for you, it isn't like Sam, it's different, and you can't play with that.
Reply
Guilt would be Castiels friend for a very long time.
The mans expression weakened as Dean denied him. Please Dean, do do that. Castiel couldn't bear it if he went through all that he did only to not be with you at the end of the day.
Castiel said nothing as Dean grabbed his jaw, studied it through the blurred alcoholic vision. The man just let it happen, let Dean direct his profile, pure affection pumping through for the man before him.
It was sad really. Castiel could cry for the fact that Dean didn't realize how important he was to this celestial entity. This was Dean Winchester, his beloved. It may have been the fact that he was the righteous man that brought them together but those simple feelings only lasted for Cas up until he pulled Dean from the depths below.
When Castiel first laid hand on you in hell, he was lost!
It wasn't about losing himself, Hester didn't understand. She never would. This decision was the right one, he knew it. Dean needed him. And you know what? He needed Dean.
Slowly Cas lifted his hands and cupped Deans, ever so gently as he stared up at the hunter. His blue eyes failed to hide his feelings, every ounce of affection and dedication was just pouring out of the angel at the moment.]
That isn't an option for me anymore , Dean.
[Cas turned in to the hand, nudging it softly with his cheek.]
You're it. Thats all there is. I live for you, I die for you. You have my heart , Dean Winchester. And anything else you could ask for I will give.
[Cas' hands steadied Deans, stretching the fingers so they lay flat and Cas could rest his cheek against the palm. The man closed his eyes, leaning his weight against the open hand.]
I do not wish to play. I simply wish to remain by your side until my end. Just understand me, Dean. I feel for you, you just as much a part of me as I am of you.
[Castiel opened his eyes once again, looking up at the hunter.]
I need you.
Reply
Leave a comment