I do not know how to word this. I have sat down and tried to write out my feelings many times with no avail. Time is running short however and you must know what is happening.
Please know that my affection for you remains unchanged. You taught me how to feel Dean. You are the most important thing in my entire existence, I would not be the angel I am today if it had not been for you.
Heaven remains in pieces , leaderless. Brother fights brother, my family has turned against each other. I have avoided going back for some time now and I am afraid I can no longer ignore the issue.
My family needs me Dean, you must understand that. They call for me every night and even as I hold you in my arms... I must return to them.
They need me.
I do not wish to make you a promise I can not keep. I do not know how long I will be gone, i may even surpass your time. There is just no way to tell.
Dean , please know how... strongly I feel for you. You are the one, Dean Winchester. The righteous, the chosen and it was in my fathers plan for me to meet you. For me to change because of you.
Hello darlinghunting_tripMay 25 2012, 14:52:24 UTC
[He found it on the small table in the motel room he was calling home that particular week. Granted, he hadn't fully expected Cas to be there when he woke up, maybe in the shower, grabbing food, taking care of angel business, whatever the hell he did during the brief spans of time he spent away from Dean.
But he wasn't expecting this.
He... wasn't expecting... this.
That right there is a problem, isn't it? Because he should have. Anybody else, anyone, and he'd have been preparing for this from the beginning. And why the fuck not? He loses them. He loses everyone. At some point in his life, anyone he cares about, anyone he loves, they all leave, don't they? They die, or they get sick of him, or they find something... better. Mom, Sam, Dad, Sam, Lisa...
Cas.
He thought... well, really, he hadn't thought, had he? If he would have, he probably would have cussed himself out for being so stupid about it in the first place. Something about Cas, though, it just felt like... it really felt like he was gonna be there. For... well, you know, for... ever. Dean had really thought that maybe he...
He moved slowly and deliberately, pulled out the small wooden motel chair and sank down into the cushion. Braced his forearms on the table and stared, unseeingly, at the place the letter had fallen onto the table.
His first instinct should have been to cuss, to call him a stupid son of a bitch, to pack up furiously and throw everything into the Impala and just leave, because okay fine, who the fuck needs him, anyway?
But it wasn't.
Because he was stupid.
My family needs me, Dean. You must understand that. They need me.
And, yeah, Dean understood that, he did, but... shit... he needed Cas.
He just... didn't realize quite how much.
And now he was gone.
What now?
...
Shit. He didn't really have an answer.
So he drank. And passed out. And woke up, and drank, and he didn't stop drinking until he ran out of whiskey, and then he left to get more, and did the same thing until he ran out of money. Spent a day staring at nothing, trying and failing to give a shit enough to get on with it. Got his hands on another fake credit card, moved to another hotel an hour away, and drank, until soon it was just a blur of days and whiskey, unlaundered clothes and motel rooms on the east coast, and he didn't even bother to realize that he'd turned into his dad, except without a cause to fight for. Because there wasn't any revenge, there was nobody to take care of and nobody to be strong for.
Omfg this is so sad ;_______; holy_hand_printMay 26 2012, 04:37:47 UTC
[It had been nearly a month and a half of searching. Dean Winchester was a difficult son of a bitch to track when he wanted to be. It seemed like this time the hunter didn't want to be found by anyone. Castiel was persistent though, he searched and searched, inquired , hunted, found and scrambled his way following the mans trail. Castiel was determined, he had to find Dean Winchester. He hand to.
That letter... it was by far the most difficult thing that Castiel ever had to do in his existence. He hadn't wanted to write it but pressure from above, his brothers calls... Castiel had to make a choice. And that choice involved leaving Dean.
It tore in to Castiel to do such a thing. He knew how Dean had abandonment issues, he knew that there was no one else for the hunter. Yet the angel had his brothers to worry over, the fate of heaven. Castiel had to make a choice.
A choice he had never wanted to make.
So there he stood, blue eyes staring up on the big neon sign that flashed 'Kings Court Motel'. Dean was there, Cas knew it. He was under on of his many new aliases but Castiel had finally found him. The receptionist confirmed Deans photo when Castiel showed it to her, she even gave him the room number. Eleven. Dean Winchester was in room eleven. Knowing the hunter he was probably beyond wasted, slowly corroding away in depression.
And Damn it, Castiel had put him in that state . It wasn't fair. Cas was being a coward just hovering outside the door like that. The truth was that he wasn't sure how Dean would respond. Even if Castiel begged forgiveness would the hunter give it? Or would he just yell and scream and throw Castiel out of the room. Did Dean hate Castiel now? Had the man made a terrible mistake that could never be fixed?
Then again maybe Castiel was over thinking it. Dean had never said there was something special between the two of them. They were friends at best. It was always Castiel who pined after the hunter, who worried if the man was alright. Castiel was always giving and Dean...Was Castiel just another notch on the bed post?
No, he couldn't think like that. Dean Winchester was not that kind of man. Dean was a good man, with a kind heart and a soul full of love. He was just brimming at the surface with affection. It wasn't the hunters fault that things turned badly, that he was hurt.
Finally finding his resolve Castiel took a deep breath, walked over to the hotel room door and used the key the front desk attendant gave him to open the door. The handle turned and the door was pushed open, struggling a bit because there seemed to be something in the way. Castiel frowned, pushed further and then saw in to the room.
Lord, it was disgusting.
Cartons of old food, empty bottles of liquor, dirty clothing throw through out the entire area. No surface was free of clutter. The scent hit the man like a ton of bricks, it reeked so badly. The man at the door could feel a tug at his soul as his blue eyes searched the dark room. Dean had fallen so far... and this was Castiels fault.
The hunter was there, buried beneath blankets and old clothes on the bed. Castiel could barely see him in the dim lighting. More empty bottles by his bed side , Cas wasn't surprised to see that.
As softly as he could Castiel closed the door and slowly made his way across the room. The man knelt by Deans side his eyes over looking his friend. The man looked tired, dead to the world. Beard growing in, dark circles under his eyes, cuts on his face- It was all just a reminder of how much Castiel was to blame for this. Fighting a frown Castiel gently placed a hand on the mans cheek.
[It was a testament to just how messed up he was that he didn't have more protection against Cas's entrance. No devil's traps, no salt lines, hell, he didn't even have the latch bolted. Normally, that would be fine, because the hunter was used to jumping out of bed at a hair trigger. It went beyond hearing- if his body even felt another entity in the room, he'd be awake, gun in hand, before the other person could blink.
In this scenario, he didn't wake up. And that was... bad.
The hand on his cheek did it, though, and he jerked backward so hard he actually fell off the bed. Once his ass hit the ground, he was going for his gun, gripping it with both hands and wild eyes that struggled, sluggishly, to come back into focus and figure out what the hell touched him. It took longer than it should have, which made it very clear.
Dean was still plastered. Evidently he'd had enough to drink to keep him that way despite crashing in the bed for nearly six hours. His eyes were red, bloodshot with whiskey and anger, chin unshaved, hair uncut and sticking up in a hundred different directions. His clothes were rumpled, smelled of sweat and smoke and alcohol.
And when his eyes did fall on Cas, it took him another second to lower the gun. Like he was trying to figure out who the angel was, work out in his mind how he could possibly be here.
It hit him, then, that he was either dreaming, or he'd had so much to drink that he was hallucinating.
He muttered to himself, dropped the gun and raked his hands through his hair from his position on the floor.]
Come on, man. Come on. Just... calm down. Jesus Christ.
[He propped his elbows on his knees, squeezed his eyes shut, and kept passing his fingers through his hair. Hallucinations were the worst- they really were. Not because they fucked with his mind- though they did- but because they were a shining example of how fucked up he let himself become, and how ashamed of himself he was for it.]
RIGHT IN THE FEELINGS. holy_hand_printMay 31 2012, 04:37:58 UTC
[Dean Winchester was trying to get himself killed. He had given up , there was no other explanation. The lack of protective wards, the door being unlocked and Deans delayed reaction. The hunter wouldn't have even noticed Castiels presence if he hadn't touched him.
What had happened to Dean to make the hunter lose the will to live so badly? It couldn't possibly be just Castiels leaving. There must of been something else.
The man watched as Dean tumbled off the bed, pointed a shaky gun in between his blue eyes. Castiel just tilted his head, elbows resting on his knees, squatting there as he observed the hunter carefully. Eyes were blood red with exhaustion, his five oclock shadow was rather prominent and his hair was an absolute mess. Clothes were wrinkled and dirty and Dean just looked like he had given up on life. It was heart breaking. Really, it was.]
...Dean.
[The voice spoke carefully, deep as always as he kept his distance. Dean was convinced Castiel was a hallucination, and being as drunk as Dean was Castiel didn't want to scare the man even more. He had to be careful about his approach. The man sympathized, his voice growing a tad softer as he spoke.]
A swift kick indeedhunting_tripMay 31 2012, 05:50:17 UTC
[It wasn't that he was trying to get himself killed. He wasn't suicidal or anything, just he... didn't care. Didn't even think about it. Either he was too drunk to notice, or he just... didn't care. What the fuck did it matter, anyway? Who was going to come after a broken down hunter that wasn't even hunting anymore? He was about as big of a threat as an old dog with a bad hip.
Sam was gone. Cas was gone. He could have coped with the first as long as he had the second. No. Cas was gone, too. Except he left voluntarily. Left Dean alone, to... nothing. He had nothing left. No Dad, no Sammy... Not even Jo. Just... nothing. Granted, Bobby would tan his hide if he heard that, but Bobby had enough on his plate without Dean dragging him back into hell.
He didn't look up at the sound of Cas's voice, but his shoulders jerked as though startled. He gripped his hair tighter, let out a slow breath.]
Yeah, Cas. I remember you. You, and the liter of Crown I had this morning. Or... yesterday. Last night? Shit. Just... not today, okay? Just not today, please. Just... I can't handle it anymore today. Sober up. Sober up, god damn it.
[It was clear, toward the end, that he was talking to himself more than Cas. Squeezing his eyes shut, trying to force Cas and the excess alcohol out of existence through will alone. Obviously, neither was going to happen.]
[You would be surprised what kind of monsters would want to kill you while you were down.
Did Dean hallucinate of Castiel and his other lost family members often? Was that why he tried to convince himself that the man before him was all just part of his imagination?
Oh God, what did Castiel leave behind? Leaving Dean was such a difficult decision, the angel hadn't wanted to do it but his family-...
No that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered now was the hunter before him, and how far said hunter had fallen. Castiel moved closer to the other, head ducked low between his shoulders as blue eyes set on the man before him.]
I am not a hallucination.
[Castiels voice was steady, calm. Slowly he lifted a hand and hesitated before gently placing the tips of his fingers over the top of Deans hand. Castiel took in a shaky breath , gaze set on Dean as his other hand braced against the bed for support.]
[It was true that Dean had a large number of creatures that wouldn't mind getting a little revenge on him while his guard was down. If he'd been in any fit state, he would have noticed and taken a few countermeasures. That was a rather large 'if', though, given the current circumstances.
And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy.
And then he touched Dean.
Reached out and brushed his fingertips along Dean's hand. Dean jerked back, wide-eyed, lips parted, uncomprehending. It had never been this bad before. There was never... he was always gone before Dean could touch him, before he could tell him everything, confess his sins like Cas could save his soul.
Because Cas had saved his soul before, hadn't he?
This wasn't fair. His throat caught, thick, and his Adam's Apple bobbed. Cas, are you God? No. Just Cas. This couldn't be real. Cas was gone. And if it was real, it still wasn't fair. Because Cas left.
[snuggles] ;__________;holy_hand_printMay 31 2012, 12:15:39 UTC
[Castiel hadn't expected it to get this bad. He wouldn't have left if he knew this was what would happen to Dean. The angel was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wanted to stay with Dean, protect him, but Castiels family in heaven needed him. Cas couldn't just abandon his brethren, and Dean never said...
He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from his five oclock shadow scratching the mans palm. The angel kept his gaze steady, blue eyes seemingly boring in to green as he held Dean there.]
[His eyes stayed wide and unguarded as Cas's hand enveloped his, brought it up slowly to press against his cheek. He could feel it. Really feel it- the smoothness of his fingers, the scratch of his perpetual five o'clock shadow against his palm...
It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
[The way that Dean ripped his hand away from the mans face startled Castiel. He hadn't been expecting it. His eyes were wide in confusion, watching as Dean stumbled away from the older man and nearly tripped over the excess of cans and liquor bottles.
Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
[He straightened his shoulders, liquor and anger coursing through his veins. This wasn't fair. This wasn't fucking fair. He was going to pop in, remind Dean of everything, and then flit off to heaven again. It might even be beyond your time. Is that fucking right, Cas? Was he that easy to leave behind?
The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
[Life wasn't fair, Castiel was learning that more and more each passing day. Castiel knew his duty, he knew that his brethren were lost in heaven , fighting each other and leaderless. They were killing one another. It was Castiels responsibility to return to heaven and make order. He had it, he was a soldier of God after all.
The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the stupid angel , had fallen for.]
I came a long way to see you, Dean Winchester. I was the one who pulled you out of hell and brought you unto this world. I have died for you countless times to prove my loyalty. Went against everything I knew for you.
[Yeah, he got that. He did. Family feuds. Heaven's Sheriff. Leading the resistance. He sympathizes. But that doesn't change the facts, and the fact of the matter is Cas was going to leave. One way or another, he was going to leave, and Dean would have nothing. Again. He wasn't asking Cas to stay behind, hell, he wasn't asking Cas not to fight. He knew better than that. He wouldn't have stopped fighting the apocalypse for anyone, because it had to be done.
Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude, and you can shove it up your ass, because frankly? I don't have the energy to fight with you anymore. I give up. You win, and I get it, okay? I do. I get it. Whatever you wanna hear from me, whatever gets you off my case, fine. I give up. I'm done. Just get outta here.
[Thats right, Castiel did leave. He left Dean alone, went to patrol heaven in a way that he thought his father would want and all he got was grief for it. All he felt was regret. Every moment he was in heaven his heart ached to be back on earth. With Dean. Castiel was just too big an idiot and tried to ignore it.
Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
[He managed to hold the aggressive stance for all of another two seconds, and then his shoulders slumped. He squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his jaw, and let out a low breath. As he did, the tension bled from his neck, from his coiled fists, which went lax and dropped to his sides.
He didn't open his eyes again as he spoke.]
Cas...
[His voice broke a little, sounded as haggard as he looked.]
Please. I get... your family needs you. I get that. But you can't keep... I can't keep saying goodbye to you, do you get that? I- you left a note, Cas. I thought- I thought I was never gonna see you again.
[A beat.]
I'm not sure that you get... I'm not sure that it means the same thing to you as it does to me.
I do not know how to word this. I have sat down and tried to write out my feelings many times with no avail. Time is running short however and you must know what is happening.
Please know that my affection for you remains unchanged. You taught me how to feel Dean. You are the most important thing in my entire existence, I would not be the angel I am today if it had not been for you.
Heaven remains in pieces , leaderless. Brother fights brother, my family has turned against each other. I have avoided going back for some time now and I am afraid I can no longer ignore the issue.
My family needs me Dean, you must understand that. They call for me every night and even as I hold you in my arms... I must return to them.
They need me.
I do not wish to make you a promise I can not keep. I do not know how long I will be gone, i may even surpass your time. There is just no way to tell.
Dean , please know how... strongly I feel for you. You are the one, Dean Winchester. The righteous, the chosen and it was in my fathers plan for me to meet you. For me to change because of you.
I love you.
Remain safe.
Castiel.
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But he wasn't expecting this.
He... wasn't expecting... this.
That right there is a problem, isn't it? Because he should have. Anybody else, anyone, and he'd have been preparing for this from the beginning. And why the fuck not? He loses them. He loses everyone. At some point in his life, anyone he cares about, anyone he loves, they all leave, don't they? They die, or they get sick of him, or they find something... better. Mom, Sam, Dad, Sam, Lisa...
Cas.
He thought... well, really, he hadn't thought, had he? If he would have, he probably would have cussed himself out for being so stupid about it in the first place. Something about Cas, though, it just felt like... it really felt like he was gonna be there. For... well, you know, for... ever. Dean had really thought that maybe he...
He moved slowly and deliberately, pulled out the small wooden motel chair and sank down into the cushion. Braced his forearms on the table and stared, unseeingly, at the place the letter had fallen onto the table.
His first instinct should have been to cuss, to call him a stupid son of a bitch, to pack up furiously and throw everything into the Impala and just leave, because okay fine, who the fuck needs him, anyway?
But it wasn't.
Because he was stupid.
My family needs me, Dean. You must understand that. They need me.
And, yeah, Dean understood that, he did, but... shit... he needed Cas.
He just... didn't realize quite how much.
And now he was gone.
What now?
...
Shit. He didn't really have an answer.
So he drank. And passed out. And woke up, and drank, and he didn't stop drinking until he ran out of whiskey, and then he left to get more, and did the same thing until he ran out of money. Spent a day staring at nothing, trying and failing to give a shit enough to get on with it. Got his hands on another fake credit card, moved to another hotel an hour away, and drank, until soon it was just a blur of days and whiskey, unlaundered clothes and motel rooms on the east coast, and he didn't even bother to realize that he'd turned into his dad, except without a cause to fight for. Because there wasn't any revenge, there was nobody to take care of and nobody to be strong for.
Because it didn't matter.]
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That letter... it was by far the most difficult thing that Castiel ever had to do in his existence. He hadn't wanted to write it but pressure from above, his brothers calls... Castiel had to make a choice. And that choice involved leaving Dean.
It tore in to Castiel to do such a thing. He knew how Dean had abandonment issues, he knew that there was no one else for the hunter. Yet the angel had his brothers to worry over, the fate of heaven. Castiel had to make a choice.
A choice he had never wanted to make.
So there he stood, blue eyes staring up on the big neon sign that flashed 'Kings Court Motel'. Dean was there, Cas knew it. He was under on of his many new aliases but Castiel had finally found him. The receptionist confirmed Deans photo when Castiel showed it to her, she even gave him the room number. Eleven. Dean Winchester was in room eleven. Knowing the hunter he was probably beyond wasted, slowly corroding away in depression.
And Damn it, Castiel had put him in that state . It wasn't fair. Cas was being a coward just hovering outside the door like that. The truth was that he wasn't sure how Dean would respond. Even if Castiel begged forgiveness would the hunter give it? Or would he just yell and scream and throw Castiel out of the room. Did Dean hate Castiel now? Had the man made a terrible mistake that could never be fixed?
Then again maybe Castiel was over thinking it. Dean had never said there was something special between the two of them. They were friends at best. It was always Castiel who pined after the hunter, who worried if the man was alright. Castiel was always giving and Dean...Was Castiel just another notch on the bed post?
No, he couldn't think like that. Dean Winchester was not that kind of man. Dean was a good man, with a kind heart and a soul full of love. He was just brimming at the surface with affection. It wasn't the hunters fault that things turned badly, that he was hurt.
Finally finding his resolve Castiel took a deep breath, walked over to the hotel room door and used the key the front desk attendant gave him to open the door. The handle turned and the door was pushed open, struggling a bit because there seemed to be something in the way. Castiel frowned, pushed further and then saw in to the room.
Lord, it was disgusting.
Cartons of old food, empty bottles of liquor, dirty clothing throw through out the entire area. No surface was free of clutter. The scent hit the man like a ton of bricks, it reeked so badly. The man at the door could feel a tug at his soul as his blue eyes searched the dark room. Dean had fallen so far... and this was Castiels fault.
The hunter was there, buried beneath blankets and old clothes on the bed. Castiel could barely see him in the dim lighting. More empty bottles by his bed side , Cas wasn't surprised to see that.
As softly as he could Castiel closed the door and slowly made his way across the room. The man knelt by Deans side his eyes over looking his friend. The man looked tired, dead to the world. Beard growing in, dark circles under his eyes, cuts on his face- It was all just a reminder of how much Castiel was to blame for this. Fighting a frown Castiel gently placed a hand on the mans cheek.
Cas would never forgive himself for this.]
Dean.
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In this scenario, he didn't wake up. And that was... bad.
The hand on his cheek did it, though, and he jerked backward so hard he actually fell off the bed. Once his ass hit the ground, he was going for his gun, gripping it with both hands and wild eyes that struggled, sluggishly, to come back into focus and figure out what the hell touched him. It took longer than it should have, which made it very clear.
Dean was still plastered. Evidently he'd had enough to drink to keep him that way despite crashing in the bed for nearly six hours. His eyes were red, bloodshot with whiskey and anger, chin unshaved, hair uncut and sticking up in a hundred different directions. His clothes were rumpled, smelled of sweat and smoke and alcohol.
And when his eyes did fall on Cas, it took him another second to lower the gun. Like he was trying to figure out who the angel was, work out in his mind how he could possibly be here.
It hit him, then, that he was either dreaming, or he'd had so much to drink that he was hallucinating.
He muttered to himself, dropped the gun and raked his hands through his hair from his position on the floor.]
Come on, man. Come on. Just... calm down. Jesus Christ.
[He propped his elbows on his knees, squeezed his eyes shut, and kept passing his fingers through his hair. Hallucinations were the worst- they really were. Not because they fucked with his mind- though they did- but because they were a shining example of how fucked up he let himself become, and how ashamed of himself he was for it.]
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What had happened to Dean to make the hunter lose the will to live so badly? It couldn't possibly be just Castiels leaving. There must of been something else.
The man watched as Dean tumbled off the bed, pointed a shaky gun in between his blue eyes. Castiel just tilted his head, elbows resting on his knees, squatting there as he observed the hunter carefully. Eyes were blood red with exhaustion, his five oclock shadow was rather prominent and his hair was an absolute mess. Clothes were wrinkled and dirty and Dean just looked like he had given up on life. It was heart breaking. Really, it was.]
...Dean.
[The voice spoke carefully, deep as always as he kept his distance. Dean was convinced Castiel was a hallucination, and being as drunk as Dean was Castiel didn't want to scare the man even more. He had to be careful about his approach. The man sympathized, his voice growing a tad softer as he spoke.]
Dean, do you remember who I am?
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Sam was gone. Cas was gone. He could have coped with the first as long as he had the second. No. Cas was gone, too. Except he left voluntarily. Left Dean alone, to... nothing. He had nothing left. No Dad, no Sammy... Not even Jo. Just... nothing. Granted, Bobby would tan his hide if he heard that, but Bobby had enough on his plate without Dean dragging him back into hell.
He didn't look up at the sound of Cas's voice, but his shoulders jerked as though startled. He gripped his hair tighter, let out a slow breath.]
Yeah, Cas. I remember you. You, and the liter of Crown I had this morning. Or... yesterday. Last night? Shit. Just... not today, okay? Just not today, please. Just... I can't handle it anymore today. Sober up. Sober up, god damn it.
[It was clear, toward the end, that he was talking to himself more than Cas. Squeezing his eyes shut, trying to force Cas and the excess alcohol out of existence through will alone. Obviously, neither was going to happen.]
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Did Dean hallucinate of Castiel and his other lost family members often? Was that why he tried to convince himself that the man before him was all just part of his imagination?
Oh God, what did Castiel leave behind? Leaving Dean was such a difficult decision, the angel hadn't wanted to do it but his family-...
No that didn't matter anymore. All that mattered now was the hunter before him, and how far said hunter had fallen. Castiel moved closer to the other, head ducked low between his shoulders as blue eyes set on the man before him.]
I am not a hallucination.
[Castiels voice was steady, calm. Slowly he lifted a hand and hesitated before gently placing the tips of his fingers over the top of Deans hand. Castiel took in a shaky breath , gaze set on Dean as his other hand braced against the bed for support.]
Can you feel that? I am here, Dean.
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And yes. Dean did hallucinate often- mostly of Cas and Sam. Sam was... shit, it was hard. It was visions of him in hell, on the rack, of Dean torturing him, of Lucifer torturing him, of him slowly but surely turning into the twisted creature Dean himself had started to become after picking up the sword.
Cas, on the other hand... Cas would just materialize and watch him. Sit on the edge of his bed, or in the window sill, or lean against the counters, and just watch him. Quietly murmur reassurances, tell him he never left, reach out to touch him, and then just...
Disappear. The soft flutter of wings and gone, leaving Dean to wonder whether or not he was going crazy.
And then he touched Dean.
Reached out and brushed his fingertips along Dean's hand. Dean jerked back, wide-eyed, lips parted, uncomprehending. It had never been this bad before. There was never... he was always gone before Dean could touch him, before he could tell him everything, confess his sins like Cas could save his soul.
Because Cas had saved his soul before, hadn't he?
This wasn't fair. His throat caught, thick, and his Adam's Apple bobbed. Cas, are you God? No. Just Cas. This couldn't be real. Cas was gone. And if it was real, it still wasn't fair. Because Cas left.
It took him a second to find words.]
Why're... You're real?
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He didn't check in on Dean, didn't look down from heavento him. Truth be told Castiel couldn't bear it. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if he looked down at earth to watch Dean because Cas was certain that the moment he saw the oldest Winchester it'd be over. And honestly, thats exactly how it went down.
Damn it, Dean Winchester. You are the righteous man, Michaels sword. You do not deserve to be in such a pit of self loathing.
What wouldn't Castiel do for Dean Winchester? For his Dean.]
Yes.
[The reassurance came as Castiel reached out a hand and gently took Deans in to his own. He brought the hunters hand back toward him and rested the palm on his cheek. Castiels skin was warm to the touch, whiskers from his five oclock shadow scratching the mans palm. The angel kept his gaze steady, blue eyes seemingly boring in to green as he held Dean there.]
I am real.
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It was real. Cas was here. Cas was back.
...but for how long?
He jerked his hand away as soon as that thought whispered in his mind, moved back away from the bed, scattering cans and bottles without noticing.]
No- no way, what the fuck are you doing here, Cas?
[Bullshit. This was bullshit. He couldn't just show up after that, after everything, pop in with a little divine chastise and fuck off again. Dean couldn't do it all over again. He just... he just couldn't.]
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Frowning as his brows furrowed at the point, Castiel stood his place there. By Deans bed, one foot on the ground, his other knee resting on it as well. Cas cast his head to the side , gritting his teeth for a moment before he answered.]
What kind of question is that?
[Slowly Castiel stood from the ground,straightening up and looking at the man before him with a serious gaze.]
You know why I am here.
I- came for you.
[The second half of what he said was a bit more quiet, as if he was admitting to making a mistake. A shy young boy who didn't want to fess up for breaking the lamp. Castiel was vulnerable, he wasn't used to feeling this way. He was quiet certain though that leaving Dean Winchester to return to heaven was the biggest mistake of his existence.]
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The anger, though, was mostly a front for shame. How he needed Cas this much, but Cas didn't... didn't need him... not... not at all. He shouldn't have let himself get so-
Fuck. Fuck.]
Came for me? Oh, there's a laugh. Well, you came. And I'm doing great- honkey fucking dory, Cas. So fly your ass back up to heaven and leave me alone, alright? We're done here.
[He gets it. He gets where he stands. He's the obligation. Cas feels guilty for chipping off a few pieces, and he's got to make sure to glue them back together or he'll feel like an angelic dickbag. Dean doesn't need that shit. He doesn't need sympathy, he doesn't need pity, and he sure as hell doesn't need Cas.
Except for the part where he does. More than anything.]
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The only problem was Dean Winchester. It should of been easy to leave Dean behind, Castiel should of been able to move on but he couldn't. Any spare second he had he was thinking of Dean, regretting his decision. The angel had enough self control to at least not spy on the Winchesters every move but his brothers still saw this for what it was.
Castiel was in love. With someone who most likely didn't love him back.
The man steeled his jaw, frowning further as Dean ranted on. Cursed him out. Castiel was silent for a moment, but only a moment.]
We are not done here.
[He growled rather dangerously, advancing a step. Dean Winchester was no obligation, he was the idiot of a drunk hunter that Castiel, the stupid angel , had fallen for.]
I came a long way to see you, Dean Winchester. I was the one who pulled you out of hell and brought you unto this world. I have died for you countless times to prove my loyalty. Went against everything I knew for you.
You will show me some respect.
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Didn't make it hurt any less.
And Cas was a fucking lunatic of he thought it was one-sided.
That I could throw you back into hell shtick was scary back when he thought Cas would actually do it, but it was different now. Dean didn't screw up this time. Rather than stepping back, he moved closer, meeting Cas's challenging stance with his own, jaw clenched defiantly, voice dropping down to his own low, barking gravel.]
You left. You left, and I've got nothing left, so don't tell me about respect. I don't even know what in the hell that is anymore. You can take your pissy attitude, and you can shove it up your ass, because frankly? I don't have the energy to fight with you anymore. I give up. You win, and I get it, okay? I do. I get it. Whatever you wanna hear from me, whatever gets you off my case, fine. I give up. I'm done. Just get outta here.
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Good thing that wasn't a problem any longer. ]
I know I left you. It is a decision Ive spent every day regretting ever since I made it.
[He said lowly, dangerously as he stepped closer to the hunter. ]
This isn't about winning or losing. This isn't even about the war.
I can not do what you ask. Not again. I can't leave you.
I won't.
So stop asking.
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He didn't open his eyes again as he spoke.]
Cas...
[His voice broke a little, sounded as haggard as he looked.]
Please. I get... your family needs you. I get that. But you can't keep... I can't keep saying goodbye to you, do you get that? I- you left a note, Cas. I thought- I thought I was never gonna see you again.
[A beat.]
I'm not sure that you get... I'm not sure that it means the same thing to you as it does to me.
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