Comments | malakijr: omg u r online lol! lol hay d00d!

malakijr

omg u r online lol! lol hay d00d!

Jun 04, 2007 23:22

Be nice to me. I just turned down sex with a guy I barely know. And he's HOT, too. See? Way hotter than the guy YOU turned down. OMG. He was probably planning on just using me which is fine because I didn't really want anything more than to use him, because it's not like I love him for his brain or anything ( Read more... )

survivor, sex, abuse, men, raperaperape, horny

Comments 7

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malakijr June 5 2007, 04:17:39 UTC

I haven't really known what it is to want sex really bad and not be able to get it

Technically, I COULD get sex right now if I wanted it enough called that guy. But somehow I can't, and it pisses me off. I was all satisfied with masturbating a few days out of the month and being alone. Then I learned what it was like to be with someone who actually loved me and wanted me, and fucking him and lying in bed and cuddling with him was enough for me, I actually went for months without masturbating and all my self-hate and rage that fueled the best masturbation sessions went away. Now it's back, but I can't satisfy THAT craving with masturbation...and I think that's why I can't call that guy.

And don't call me normal...you're destroying years of carefully built psychosis.

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malakijr June 5 2007, 04:32:15 UTC

Well, it's not all fueled by sef-hatred anymore for me, either. Not since I met John. And even before that, when I was realizing that I'd been sold a bill of bullshit in the church all those years and all the self-loathing I'd piled on myself because of my memories...I have to keep saying this, but omonk is a lot of the reason I'm still sane now. He was the first non-Christian I ever talked to about this (because I was too afraid) and he helped me a LOT in those conversations, things like telling me it was normal for someone who'd gone through what I went through to have rape fantasies, and he really validated what I'd gone through and all the rage and anger that was coming loose now. Even to this day it's hard to see what happened to me as abuse, and I still see myself in a lot of ways as a freak. Posts like this are one of my only ways to try and reach out and connect and see if other people have any idea what I'm going through.

Normal = what I doYou just put into words what most every person on the face of the earth actually ( ... )

Thread 6

boundnbreakin June 5 2007, 04:51:29 UTC

You sound perfectly normal to me...which may say something about me ( ... )

malakijr June 5 2007, 05:09:46 UTC

I was SO worried I wouldn't be able to have sex with John. I'm amazed he put up with me. I was fidgity and nervous the whole time and I kept rambling on and on about ridiculous bullshit so I probably sounded like an idiot (I remember exactly what I said...and the exact date. Yes, I AM an idiot). But when it finally happened...it was great. I was amazed how great. And it got better. I was shocked at how much I LOVED sex ( ... )

boundnbreakin June 5 2007, 05:42:58 UTC

See...there's a part of me that is still kicking myself for not going there with this guy. He really IS incredible. And most women would probably drop panties right quick if he said he wanted them. Hell, most men would drop 'em too, lol. But, when push came to shove, I just couldn't do it. My body was wanting to...believe you me...my girly bits were rarin' and ready to go...it was my mind that I couldn't shut up ( ... )

malakijr June 5 2007, 06:23:43 UTC

Heh, my girly bits wanted me to call that guy tonight. He was a prime genius. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him since I barely knew him, and he replied "Great, that's fine, we can just do oral first and then when we know each other then the sex starts ( ... )