Comments | malakijr: omg u r online lol! lol hay d00d!

malakijr

omg u r online lol! lol hay d00d!

Jun 04, 2007 23:22

Be nice to me. I just turned down sex with a guy I barely know. And he's HOT, too. See? Way hotter than the guy YOU turned down. OMG. He was probably planning on just using me which is fine because I didn't really want anything more than to use him, because it's not like I love him for his brain or anything ( Read more... )

survivor, sex, abuse, men, raperaperape, horny

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malakijr June 5 2007, 04:17:39 UTC

I haven't really known what it is to want sex really bad and not be able to get it

Technically, I COULD get sex right now if I wanted it enough called that guy. But somehow I can't, and it pisses me off. I was all satisfied with masturbating a few days out of the month and being alone. Then I learned what it was like to be with someone who actually loved me and wanted me, and fucking him and lying in bed and cuddling with him was enough for me, I actually went for months without masturbating and all my self-hate and rage that fueled the best masturbation sessions went away. Now it's back, but I can't satisfy THAT craving with masturbation...and I think that's why I can't call that guy.

And don't call me normal...you're destroying years of carefully built psychosis.

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malakijr June 5 2007, 04:32:15 UTC

Well, it's not all fueled by sef-hatred anymore for me, either. Not since I met John. And even before that, when I was realizing that I'd been sold a bill of bullshit in the church all those years and all the self-loathing I'd piled on myself because of my memories...I have to keep saying this, but omonk is a lot of the reason I'm still sane now. He was the first non-Christian I ever talked to about this (because I was too afraid) and he helped me a LOT in those conversations, things like telling me it was normal for someone who'd gone through what I went through to have rape fantasies, and he really validated what I'd gone through and all the rage and anger that was coming loose now. Even to this day it's hard to see what happened to me as abuse, and I still see myself in a lot of ways as a freak. Posts like this are one of my only ways to try and reach out and connect and see if other people have any idea what I'm going through.

Normal = what I doYou just put into words what most every person on the face of the earth actually ( ... )

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malakijr June 5 2007, 04:55:03 UTC

I think that everyone has thoughts and inclinations that are buried deep inside them, things that they'd never reveal to others, and so the people who are open about those things and who blather on like I do about graphicly personal shit are seriously deranged. But then there's no place for me to find any common ground with anyone, and there's no way for me to find out if anyone else feels anything like what I feel. I figured for so long that I was totally deranged, and now things I did during my childhood and teen years that seemed schizo to me have a perfectly logical explanation. It wigs me out sometimes. I don't know WHAT to think. I never thought I'd be in a place where I didn't masturbate ALL THE TIME. There was no other way to fuel the rage. The first 3 months I was with John I didn't do it at all because I didn't have to, sex with him was enough for me. And then when I started doing it again, it was ok, it was slowly becoming more and more normal ad not this dark, evil thing, this direct tie between me and Satan that I ( ... )

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