omg u r online lol! lol hay d00d!

[malakijr]

Be nice to me. I just turned down sex with a guy I barely know. And he's HOT, too. See? Way hotter than the guy YOU turned down. OMG. He was probably planning on just using me which is fine because I didn't really want anything more than to use him, because it's not like I love him for his brain or anything

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[malakijr]

I was SO worried I wouldn't be able to have sex with John. I'm amazed he put up with me. I was fidgity and nervous the whole time and I kept rambling on and on about ridiculous bullshit so I probably sounded like an idiot (I remember exactly what I said...and the exact date. Yes, I AM an idiot). But when it finally happened...it was great. I was amazed how great. And it got better. I was shocked at how much I LOVED sex.

Now...I don't know. It's not like I haven't had sex. I had sex with one guy and one girl (and then both the guy AND the girl) since I broke up with John. The guy is a total idiot but I still love the girl. And...now I just don't know if I could have sex with a guy again. I don't want to go there (I mean, I DO want to go there, and my hoo-ha wants to go there very much) but when it comes down to it, I can't make myself. My pastors and Christians around me always said things liek how I wouldn't be able to have sex because of my abuse, it would be scary and hard and all this bullshit...it wasn't. It wasn't like what they said at all, I mean it hurt, but it still felt awesome. It's just...I could go there, but not with someone I don't know enough to care about. I don't know why, it doesn't make any sense, but...there it is.

I'm glad you found your fiancee...I say I don't believe in love anymore but really it's just because I love someone who doesn't love me back. I'm happy you found someone who loves you and understands you. And I'm open about sex, too...I don't care if my partner has sex with other people as long as he/she loves me. That's not a popular stance in society, but it's how I feel. I just don't know if I could have a relationship with a girl...I like penis too much. :-p But then I can't have the penis without knowing the guy and caring for him...and 'round and 'round and 'round we go. Sigh.

Anyway, thanks for commenting and listening to my TMI babble. It means a lot.

[boundnbreakin]

See...there's a part of me that is still kicking myself for not going there with this guy. He really IS incredible. And most women would probably drop panties right quick if he said he wanted them. Hell, most men would drop 'em too, lol. But, when push came to shove, I just couldn't do it. My body was wanting to...believe you me...my girly bits were rarin' and ready to go...it was my mind that I couldn't shut up.

If I'd been able to, I so would have.

I know how lucky I am to have Rach. She is, quite literally, everything I have ever wanted. She even wants to carry the baby when we finally have one. Me? The idea of carrying a child makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Even if I could (which I can't...*sighs*...Between the abuse at such a young age and getting sick...well...those parts won't hold a baby now), I wouldn't want to. But she does and that makes me so happy.

Knowing that she knows me and cares about what I really want out of life makes me happy. Knowing that, if I met a man and I reeeeaaallly did want to go there, she wouldn't stop me...well...the amount of trust that shows makes me pretty damned happy, too.

I still haven't told her about what happened with this friend of mine, though. It's hard for me to admit that fear that bubbles up. There is a part of my mind that makes it difficult for me to even believe he DID want to go there, even though I know he did. As I said...his body? Perfect. Completely perfect. Mine...heh...not even close. So it's hard for me to believe that ANYONE I find attractive wants me. Hell, some days it's hard for me to believe my fiancee wants me. I still find myself questioning why...and when she says I'm beautiful or sexy...I don't always believe it.

ANYWAY, enough of the rambling. And thank YOU for letting me ramble on and replying.

[malakijr]

Heh, my girly bits wanted me to call that guy tonight. He was a prime genius. I told him I didn't want to have sex with him since I barely knew him, and he replied "Great, that's fine, we can just do oral first and then when we know each other then the sex starts."

*head explodes*

But my girly bits cared naught for this. They like giving oral, they tols my brain to shut up in no uncertain terms. It's just that my brain didn't listen. And...yeah. I wish I could shut my brain off for just this reason. I don't really get it. But I do understand where you're coming from. Even though I've had sex with a guy and loved it, my brain knew that to have sex with THIS guy was wrong, and it wouldn't let me do it.

I'm so glad my journal was suspended and it allowed me to find people like you. Seriously. It was a good thing wrapped in a bad thing. This is what the community of my journal has been about these last 5 years. I was kicking all this perverted sex crap around in my head these past few weeks and wishing I had someone I could talk to when finally I just decided to tell LJ and hope it made me feel better to talk about it here, because I was sure no one would REPLY to it. Yet here you are, my awesome little online community who ramble on with me about things like this. I just got a scary letter from LJ abuse today that says they're not done with my journal and it may get suspended again once they're through investigating, but for now...I'm glad I have a community (and my journal is backed up now, too, thanks again to innocence_jihad and their backup utility that my computer would actually let me USE) so...yeah.

It's awesome that she trusts you that much. I don't think it's a common thing in today's society...we're taught that you have to be witn one person and if that person has sex with soeone else while they're with you you have to LEAVE that person, so many relationships fail. Me...I want someone to love me and spend time with me and I want someone to sleep with at night sometimes. But only when they want to, and if they want to be with other people, too, as long as they're with me sometimes, I'm content with that. I don't see a relationship like ownership, like I keep that person on a leash in my backyard and don't let them go anywhere or do anything (or anyone else, that's not really love to me. But other people don't see it that way and they think I'm a freak. I'm used to that. But they say I don't value sex or love, and that PISSES me off. I value it more than anything else in the world, I value it so much that I don't think I have to place arbitrary sanctions on it to make it valuable or to prove I care about it. Bah.

*climbs off soapbox*

My friend vacheestfachee said once that she believes God will let abuse survivors come to find someone to truly love them and will come to let them know the true beauty of sexual love, and I'm really happy you've found that. It makes me sad a little to think I won't ever find that...I thought I didn't need it once, but to have a taste of it and then have it taken from me hurts more than I can really say. But I guess I was so happy for awhile there I need to have at least as much pain as I ever did happiness in that relationship to maintain the delicate balance of the universe or something. I know the happiness was real and I won't ever forget it. And I'm glad you've found it...it's something worth fighting for, wirth dying for (Jesus, I have pop culture running through my veins instead of blood).