Jaejoong's Lyric | Verse 18/24: love

love_cassiopeia

Jaejoong's Lyric | Verse 18/24

Sep 02, 2008 16:12

Jaejoong's Lyric
Author: love_cassiopeia
Summary: Jaejoong - a poor yet talented musician with an impossible dream. Yunho - An SM producer who could make Jaejoong’s unreal dream come true. They needed each other to succeed, and they were delighted they had met that magical day. But, will love get in the way of dreams? Will the two be captured by love rather than work? Only his song will tell.
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don’t own the five members, I’m simply borrowing them.
Warnings: Yaoi/slash, language, some angst
Genre: Romance/Angst
Pairings: YunJae | YunChun (2U/To-You)
Verse 18: Rewind

Verse 18: Rewind

You would run away. You would run as far as you could from this place. Because if you don’t, then you might just shatter into a million pieces.

What would it feel like to be broken? You wonder. Would it damage everything inside you? Would it sting? Would it hurt as much as it did now? Out of all the things abominable in this malicious world, the worst thing to you was letting yourself break. You decided a long time ago that you would be strong, that you would appear fragile to no one. However, everybody has a weak side, and there is a part in one’s life when that part takes over their whole soul, and everything else becomes blurry and vague.

You don’t want to call yourself a coward for running away. In fact, you thought your motives and actions were essential. If you stayed back there and took each and every one of his words into your tarnished mind, only then would you break completely. Your heart had shattered half itself apart already, but there was still a large part of you that went unscathed. There were deep cracks on that side of your heart, and if you had chosen to stay back there to listen to his words, they might just have come loose and shattered your whole soul entirely.

His flawless visage is crystal clear in your mind now. No matter how much you want to erase him out, you just aren’t able to. The times the two of you spent together, the moments that you shared-they kept replaying in your mind like a familiar movie. And, as you watched that movie, you couldn’t help but let your tears plummet down your blank face-because for the first time in your life, you felt completely empty.

It was all a matter of time before you figured everything out. Yoochun: that man who appeared at the jewelry store and in every one of Yunho’s old photo albums-he was the man Yunho ended up kissing moments ago. You realized that he was one of Yunho’s old lovers, and that he was the one who had encouraged Yunho to abandon your necklace. No matter how much jealousy that rose up inside you when you apprehended that, you still couldn’t hate him. You knew how he felt, and decided not to blame him for loving the one he truly cared for.

It doesn’t dismay you when Yoochun comes your mind. It only stings when he does. Why? You wonder. Why did I have to fall in love with him out of all people?

You bastard. You think as you stop at a streetlight to catch your breath. Apart from the small amount of cars visible on the road, you couldn’t help but think of suicide. How refreshing it would be to step in front of one of those cars and never be able to feel the pain or sorrow of this damn world ever again.

But you decide against it; it wasn’t like you to do something so inattentive and pathetic just because one day goes wrong for you. You were tough, and you don’t need to let all this affect you. Yunho was only one part of your life; there was still the other part-where everything was still pristine and unaltered.

When the light changes, you continue running. You didn’t know if it was to get rid of your anger, or to get rid of all your emotions. With your face blemished in tears, you continue, hoping that you would never be able to stop again.

You don’t want to return to your hotel just yet. Junsu and Changmin will think that you’re a pathetic fool; that you’re nothing but a weakling. You have no energy to deal with them right now, so you decide to stay out until morning. Only then would you go back to the hotel and put on a positive façade for them.

You sigh, wondering what it would’ve been like if you’ve never met Yunho at all. But you decide against it, because deep inside you, you knew you were weak enough for his love to affect you in the end.

Recklessly, you pick up your phone, searching through the contacts until you see his number. For a second, you could’ve sworn you were eager to fall through and call him, but afterwards, you decide against it-thinking it would be wise to make him suffer a bit more for his actions. After all, he did deserve it.

He is not worthy enough for you to call him back. He has sinned too much in one day, and you can’t forgive him just yet for his ridiculous actions.

What an entertaining game you had played with fate. It took everything from you-Yunho, your future, your dignity-but it can’t take away yesterday. It can’t take away the moments you spent with Yunho, and you were surprisingly pleased about that.

Happy Birthday.

You were always a big crybaby.

Always, Yoochun, always. It didn’t need to be debated.

However, in a situation as preposterous as this one, your obstinate tears refused to fall down your dry visage. You didn’t know if it was because you ran out of tears to shed, or because you were exceedingly shocked by tonight’s event to do any crying. With no tears on your face and an empty heart, you leave the YG gathering early, hoping to deal with everything that occurred tonight later on when you aren’t so fragile.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? You can cry-In fact, you always cry. Why couldn’t you cry tonight, when your tears were horribly needed?

After the long ride home concludes, you park your car in the tiny garage, and headed upstairs into your unoccupied condo. Feeling completely vacant inside, you let your heart sink along with your body into the spongy sofa. You stare up at the ceiling, replaying tonight’s events one by one in your head, remembering every single aspect.

“So he doesn’t want to be with me, after all.”

It stung so much for you to admit it; but deep down inside you, you knew it was the authentic truth. The way he ran after that raven-haired boy so eagerly, the way the fire in his eyes ignited when he saw his face… it was obvious to you: Yunho was in love with that boy.

And to think that you have spoken with him that day at the jewelry store-that you could’ve prevented all this from happening-you can only hate yourself more than you already do.

If Yunho has found Jaejoong by now, what would they be doing? You ponder to yourself once again that night when you settle into your sleep-induced state. The thought of it hurt you massively, and you don’t want to stay awake all night imagining what was going on between the two of them.

By the way he ran after him so keenly without uttering another word to you, it appeared as if he treasured him a million times more than he treasured you. But you have to be strong; you can’t stand crying over him anymore.

Your emotions meant nothing to him in the end. That wasn’t a big surprise. Whether it was in America or Korea-no one ever cares about you.

The next morning.

You have 21 missed calls:

10 missed calls from Shim Changmin.

10 missed calls from Kim Junsu.

1 missed call from Jung Yunho.

You had switched off your mobile phone all night due to your strong motivation to ignore socializing. You had indeed wanted to avoid the calls, so why the hell did you feel so valueless when you saw the only one missed call from Yunho?

At this moment, you don’t care. You don’t want to reply his phone call until he calls you a dozen times more. You knew it was insane of you to plan out such an action, but it doesn’t matter-not when he has brought out every single teardrop upon your face, and when he needs to repay you for it.

You pretend you don’t, but you know why he hasn’t called you a significant amount of times. It was because he was spending the night at Yoochun’s, and he can’t get carried away by the likes of you.

You wonder how they had their sex. Would it be as exciting for Yoochun as it was for you that night? You passionately wanted to know.

The sun rose, its colour bringing life into the new world. A new day began, erasing all traces of yesterday and the past. For you however, nothing seems different. You feel exactly the same as last night, and it was driving you insane.

Why can’t you just forget about him? You ask yourself. Why did you have to fall in love with him to begin with? There were too many reasons why. You couldn’t consider all of them at once. You just loved Yunho-you loved him enough to forgive him for what happened last night.

Deciding to swallow your melancholy and doubt, you arrive at your hotel at seven o’ clock in the morning. Inserting your key into the door, you opened the entrance, revealing your awake and worried set of friends before your swollen eyes. You don’t know what to tell them. You just want to let loose and ignore the world and everyone within it.

“Jaejoong-hyung!” Junsu rushes up to you and embraces you in his lengthy arms. You’ve known Junsu for centuries, and it felt comfortable to be embraced by such familiar arms. You hold onto him as well, wishing you could cry into his shoulders and bare your every emotion to him.

So you do it. You shiver as he embraces you, letting every tear carry away your misery into his shoulders. His hands caress your back to comfort you, but it wasn’t working; at least, not now, when you’re completely bewildered and confused.

You wanted to be strong. You wanted to tell yourself that it didn’t matter-that all this pain would eventually go away. But what was the use? What was the purpose of lying to yourself even more? But you don’t want to admit it-in fact you can’t. You just can’t declare the fact that Yunho loves someone a tenfold more than he loves you. It was just too wrong.

Why are you being such a crybaby? Why are you tearing up now? You aren’t used to crying, so why now?

Changmin places a hand on your shoulder, its touch telling you to grow up. “Jaejoong…” He remarks, his voice barely above a whisper. “I want you to know something.”

Your face still covered in tears, you break away from Junsu’s embrace. You turn to Changmin, curious of what he had to say.

“It’s all my fault.” He confesses as he sits you down onto the hotel mattress, his glare meeting up perfectly with yours. “I know how hard it must’ve been for you to witness such an unexpected event.”

“No.” You shake your head, lying. “I’m okay.” You lie, once again.

“To tell you the truth, I’ve known Yoochun for a while.” He admits, the volume of his voice a bit higher. “I’ve known the relationship with Yunho and Yoochun all along, but I was careless not to have told you.”

Your eyes widen at his statement. “What is their connection with each other?” You hate yourself for asking, but you can only be curious. You wanted to know everything, even if it meant hurting yourself in the process.

So, he begins. He tells you everything that occurred between Yunho and Yoochun in their past years together. Their days in high school and college, their interest in music…and finally, the parting that tore them apart. You listen intently through everything, imagining every detail that strode from Changmin’s lips.

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, you wouldn’t say that you’re angry or disappointed-but that you were envious of their previous stable relationship. You weren’t excessively jealous because Yoochun received a great amount of quality time with Yunho, but that the two of them were able to surpass their obstacles together as one. Remembering your blithe days spent with Yunho, you couldn’t exactly say the same for yourself. You could love him all you wanted, but that didn’t guarantee Yunho’s disclaiming of his whole heart in return.

The two of you-both you and Junsu-listened assiduously as Changmin entertained the two of you with another trail of Yunho and Yoochun’s past stories. There wouldn’t be a better person on earth to tell you these stories-other than Changmin himself, who was there to experience every single event and detail.

You were so excessively envious of them; you couldn’t even tolerate to hear another word that Changmin spoke. Why wouldn’t Yunho express the same things to you? Why couldn’t he love you the way he loved Yoochun? You knew why-because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how your emotions fit into the whole equation.

That all becomes clear when Changmin informs you about the conversation he shared with Yunho months ago; when he suggested that Yunho would fall in love with you to ensure a stable career in the music industry. You understood everything now: Yunho was using you.

Changmin holds your cold quivering hand in his, stroking it in a repetitive pattern to gently console you. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes. “It was my idea in the first place. If I hadn’t persuaded him to go this far, none of this would’ve happened.” He hangs his head, his hands still linked with yours. “I’m sorry Jaejoong. I truly am.”

That was it. You couldn’t bear to hear another word deviate itself apart from his lips anymore. All of these people: Changmin, Junsu, and Yoochun were being immensely hurt only because you made yourself a pathetic mistake. A trainee falling in love with his producer-it was strongly prohibited. It was only fate’s plan that the world came crashing down when it became the time. With this thought lingering in your mind, you can only hate yourself more, until you have no energy left to spare yourself another punch in the heart.

You can’t stand this anymore, so you run off to the bathroom, lying to your two friends that you were planning to take a speedy morning shower. However, as you arrive in the bathroom, you cry, wiping your irrational tears away as you curse at yourself repetitively to stop. You’re acting like such a child, you tell yourself. You are not taking this seriously, like how an adult your age is supposed to.

You cover your face in water, hoping to cleanse away all traces of your tears and tear stains. After you’re done, you glance back up at the mirror, inspecting your familiar reflection inch by inch. You looked so pale, so weak, so vulnerable, and so different from the strong façade you had habitually built up. You were so exceedingly disappointed in yourself, you couldn’t help but want to shatter the mirror and destroy your reflection on the wall.

So, I was being used all along.

But after thinking everything through, it didn’t seem so. You could hear the authenticity in Changmin’s voice, but you couldn’t help but deny the fact that he was wrong. The way Yunho held you tightly those cold nights, the way he resolutely corrected your singing, the way he kissed you with his whole heart, mind, and soul-all that was real, and you couldn’t deny it.

Yunho was in love with you-that was for sure. But what you were insecure about was his emotions at the moment-right now.

You can only imagine his long and romantic nights with Yoochun until the phone rings, and his number shows up on the flashing screen.

yunho, yunchun, yunjae, fanfiction, yaoi, jaejoong's lyric, jaejoong, yoochun