apparently i am not allowed to miss a dead man. i am not allowed to contribute one picture to a stack. i am not allowed to give my grievances or pay my dues. i cannot do anything except wonder even more now if he hated me toward the end. clearly his sister does.

it is a terrible habit of mine to want too much, yet accomplish little. i am the sort of person who feels perpetually overwhelmed with the details of life. how big is this number? how small can i pretend to be? i am at a constant state of undress, or so i feel. it is my greatest fear to disappear, though i cannot handle spotlights. what shall i do ( Read more... )

this month is so hard for me. i want to wake up without the fear of what february is sure to bring me. i want to smell her hair and have her console me. i want to rub her hands after work and give her a reason to come home once more. i would give anything to be thirteen again. sixteen, twenty. i would give my life to revert back to my younger, ( Read more... )

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i don't know who to protect or who to let go. i don't know what feels like pain or what pain actually is. i don't understand sadness versus sheer regret. i don't have one fucking clue where to direct my attention. i don't have any grasp on fantasy any longer. i don't dream; i nightmare. actualizing reality is ( Read more... )

manic manic manic no sleep unless in parked cars people tapping shoulders when my eyes are closed fear is eating me alive

i have been so manic lately. unbelievably manic. but ceaselessly tired. how? i stopped taking my medication again, because, to be eloquent, fuck it. it's not for me. i'd rather have my insanity and have me also. usually when my brain is this rapid-fire, shoot 'em up-paced, i produce more. i write more. i live more. i love more. i am more. for ( Read more... )

i can't fucking sleep anymore. never fucking ever.

bah! monkeys and things.

oh, life. what a funny, funny mess.

i just read over my entire livejournal archives. why, you ask? not a clue. however, i have learned something. over the past few years, my life has changed immensely---people, places, things. all nouns covered. and somehow my person has not changed at all. i've been through many a stage but i always retreat back to comfortable sadness. what's my