Well, I don't really know what to say today. I guess it's my "Charlie" moment.

I feel less access to my thoughts, although maybe I have some feelings remaining? But I just feel more shut down again, more stupid once more. I don't even feel like talking / have much to say.

I am still having trouble sleeping but my mood has crashed, no more happy / ( Read more... )

I might as well post before I get manic again.

What can I say? I don't feel lobotomized like before. But my emotions also don't feel extreme.

However, my sleep is absolute shit. I'm up and down after like 5 hours. I can't stay resting. My body won't relax. I end up feeling wide awake.

For a few days I would get up and do dishes. But now I just want ( Read more... )

I wanted to preserve a Facebook post, so I put it up here as my last entry. But maybe the order of things was wrong. Maybe I should have posted this update first.

It's hard to describe what has been happening the past few days. I just feel better. I feel more like myself. Thoughts again, even if there are long silent patches too. Perceptions. My ( Read more... )

I ask myself if I am angry about where things are at and what has happened, but honestly I have just resigned myself to how things have been in the past. It is what it is. I'm not looking at real goals anymore. I've accustomed myself to my position. I am not asking for anything great from life besides the capacity to feel human. To enjoy something ( Read more... )

I'm tired today. Have a cold or something. Spent most of the night with thick nasal drip that wouldn't allow me to sleep, and Kleenex stuffed up my nose because it was congested.

Called the pharmacist this morning and he tells me that most of the OTC meds have interactions with my medication, so all I can use is saline spray and steroid spray. No ( Read more... )

Updating again because it's been a while.

Nothing to say, really. Still can't think. Try to think but can't really do it. A lot of silence.

Is this worse because I raised the Abilify to 7 mg? Possibly. For a while I could at least write about my life.

Now, I just don't know. Is my life pointless? What do I think of my life?

I mean... I don't know ( Read more... )

You know, I don't think I want to think about my problems. I want to think about something else. Something that means something.

There is something important out there, I am sure there is.

Something glaringly obvious that matters.

Something huge.

I am sure of it.

It is probably right in front of me and I just don't see it. Whatever it is.

Maybe if ( Read more... )

I would like to think I could have something more in my life than this trapped place I find myself. I feel almost as if, if I could expose myself to something else, I might be able to feel/understand. Abilify might make that possible. Yet I am afraid to even try right now. I stay within my bubble, partly because I am so used to it. Every time I try ( Read more... )

"Stable" is a mental health euphemism. So is "functioning". Both these words mask the actual human experience of people on psych meds. They make people seem like machines. They confuse the absence of outward signs of distress or unusual behaviour, the ability to perform tasks and appear normal, with an inner experience of being fully human. Yes, ( Read more... )

Definitely more thoughts today. Like I can hear myself think more than before. Not really the capacity for little bits of joy at the moment, unlike a few weeks ago when I was feeling happy being outside and smelling the air, but more thoughts. Big win for reducing the risperidone (0.5 down to 0.25 mg). And maybe I am just entrenched in some kind of ( Read more... )