(no subject)
I would like to think I could have something more in my life than this trapped place I find myself. I feel almost as if, if I could expose myself to something else, I might be able to feel/understand. Abilify might make that possible. Yet I am afraid to even try right now. I stay within my bubble, partly because I am so used to it. Every time I try to focus/understand anything else, my attention fails. And every time I try to think about something, my brain won't give it to me.
I don't even know what I would want to think about.
Maybe my problems?
Like I can't stop burping. It's been this way for weeks. I suppose I could wonder if I should see my doctor, but I also feel resigned to him not helping me. And I don't have the mental energy to invest in making an appointment, or the physical motivation to go to another one.
Or that my throat problems aren't entirely gone. But what am I supposed to do about them? I am already on the PPI, already on the special diet. These things help but it's not perfect. It might never be perfect. But again, what is there to think about really?
Or my feet hurt when I walk even short distances. Again what am I supposed to do? I can't change anything, can't figure out anything, there is nothing to do, except try the physio exercises, which so far are making me worse. Am I supposed to think about the physio exercises all day long? Right now all I do is hope that it will be less painful if I don't act like it's a big problem.
Or that I find my volunteer job boring. This I could do something about, I suppose. Yet I never really think about it, just have a vague sense of not wanting to go. But I told myself I would commit for 6 months.
Or that I often feel like I am going to fall asleep while driving, so Mark is driving me around. I don't know what to do with that. I already had a sleep study the other day.
Or that Mark does most of the work around here and I don't contribute much. But I can't even get myself to feel about that or think about that at all, with my lazy brain.
There is "stuff", isn't there? Yet my brain doesn't even want to go there. Instead it just focuses on its lack of thinking. All. Day. Long.
I still don't know why all the "stuff" is still out there, far away, when I am in here. I can feel now, I can feel when I talk myself through the images I get, and relate to the trauma I have experienced, sort of. Like I can say variations of "No", and even talk to the doctors and nurses, at times, I can sort of channel something, and feel strong emotions, and feel more whole that way. Like getting a piece of my soul back.
But somehow the ordinary thoughts a person might have, those are difficult/absent. Sometimes I go through a day with some of those, much of the time not.
And it's like, it's like I am kind of vacuum packed, at the moment. I feel a desire to move, a desire to do, but I am in some kind of vacuum-sealed package. The vacuum is around me, it stops me from somehow being truly in my own experience. It holds me back. But it is subtle compared to before, I would say.
The ongoing images: wanting to wave my arms to somehow take up space, to fill out space; kicking the air; and punching to get out of some room. Also, pacing the apartment, wandering downtown.
The images seem to come up when I can't verbally think. When I have some semblance of verbal thought, the images aren't there.
I feel like I am such a repetitive person. All I do is talk about the same thing. For years. Same old complaints, same old impressions of my thought process.