It's painful to look at the lasy few entries. I remember how bad that was.  Recovering from a painful birth,  dealing with my ex's gambling debts and addiction.

It's years later.

I'm divorced.

Two kids on my own.

Still in the Coast Guard.

In a similar but different relationship.

And feeling like I've lost so many years off my life to that mess of a ( Read more... )

I have been struggling with some obscure and underlying currents in my life as of late. My contract with the Coast Guard is up in less than a year now and we need to decide what the heck we are going to do. It has me warring internally between my true aspirations and the desire to support my family and be secure enough to not worry about where food ( Read more... )

Its very difficult to transition from wanting to do what you love to being thankful for the skills you have. I understand its a rough economy right now but It is very difficult to feel happy about being able to do work that you pretty much hate. I just feel like it requires such an enormous amount of faith and luck to feel comfortable taking the ( Read more... )

My neighbor can be very loud and abrasive. I really did not like her when I first met her. I hated that she was always in our house when I got home. (My fiancee is unemployed and would invite her over to play board games and hang out.) Now that I have had some time I find that I am almost envious of her. I miss being so confident and courageous. I ( Read more... )

Its been so long. In the years since I have kept this updated I have gone through some dramatic life changes. I moved to Colorado for a boy, had a painful breakup with said boy, struggled to recover financially to get back to Michigan and back into school, met a new boy, tried easing my way into school with an online class, nearly got evicted ( Read more... )

I miss writing. Facebook's little status updates don't satisfy my urge to write. So, Im going to try and get back on here. Right now I am missing an old friend. Specifically, my ex who admittedly broke my heart by disrespecting me something fierce. But its been a few years, we both have families of our own now, and its finally not quite so painful ( Read more... )

Today I am feeling a lot better. I mean, I wasn't when I woke up but the problem there is not having any control of my dreams and you know the whole being alone and quiet with my thoughts. This and the serotonin drop are also my problems at night. During the day however, I feel shiny. Speaking of which, Vince's suggestion to watch a movie with ( Read more... )

The worst part is that the boy ignored my call. So now I get to sit and wait a little longer to resolve this. I just want to get this over so I can move on from the anxiety stage to the mourning stage. If I dont get called by tonight I am textmessage/email breaking up with him because I cant stand the "in the meantime" bullshit. So, even though Im ( Read more... )

I havn't done it yet because I haven't had the opportunity. I mean, I could email I suppose... but Id rather just tell him. And, surprise - he isn't answering my phone calls. Classic dick move number one. Its hard to say goodbye I guess... but I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back the same I love them. I don't have that in him ( Read more... )

Seriously, I spent the entire day applying for jobs and getting shit done and the day isn't even over yet. Neither is my temporary vacation. I applied for fourteen jobs today. Im kind of burned out so I think Ima call it quits for today on that note anyhow. I still need to deposit some money and get an oil change. Oh, and I already have two ( Read more... )