Sharp Breath

[ink_ling]

The essays are finished. I sent the last one -- Gustaf Sobin -- off this morning. As said in the earlier post, I plan to try and make this winter rife with immediate, short-term pleasure. Sign up for no huge projects, especially the long-term ones. Just do what I want when it comes to mind. Write and read for myself

Comments

[clickboo]

I know how you feel... My family pretty much doesn't want to know about anything "gay-related" at all... It ends up just being a very mind-numbing visit. I do not have a partner, but if I did, I'd rather just stay home with that person rather than hang with a bunch of people that do not truly love me for who I am. :( For Xmas, I myself am leaning towards option #1. #3 is probably the compromise, and #2 is the status quo.

[ink_ling]

Yeah ... Whatever I do, it needs to be the harder thing that lands me with less stress and worry this year. Since that's the theme! I want to go with #1 but will have to circumvent any guilt that will surely arise.

Argghh! Can holidays ever possibly be relaxing and enjoyable?

Thanks for the advice, Fella!

[davomatic]

Are they too far to make a day trip prior to xmas just to see the family you want to see? Maybe even set up a dinner with your better half and the family members that have no qualms with him/you as a couple. Nothing teaches those who willing leave other people out like themselves being left out.

And how delicious would it be knowing that people are talking about what a wonderful guy Joe is at their own family xmas?

[sunsmogseahorse]

Right on Davomatic. Maybe with the grandparents. Grandparents are often cool about such things. They lived through the Depression and World War II. That generation tends to be less easily freaked out by little shit like your having a man as a partner. Don't know whether that's the case with them, but it's a good thought.

What if you went to Joe's family? Don't know the sitch there either but that'd be so damned appropriate.

[ink_ling]

Yeah, his parents are definitely cool with it, and I've always enjoyed going there because it is so freeing to not have all that over my head. They're far less hung up on Xmas than my family, though, and their family is so far-flung, that, like last year, they just may do Xmas on Thanksgiving.

My inclination right now -- since I am so little into the holiday -- is to stock up on movies and food and stay on the couch at home all day! :)

[sunsmogseahorse]

See, here's another reason I can't stand religion. Everyone loses their shit for six weeks while I recoil in horror.

[champdaddy]

I vote for #3... I'm normally not in favor of passive-aggressive tactics, but a brief casual visit after the holiday says to them that you put priority on your time with those who respect you.

No need to rile yourself with any conflict, you can be at peace with the idea of keeping in touch without being sucked into feeling compromised. And if they don't like the emotional distance, well that's the sort of relationship with you they chose.

[ink_ling]

Yeah, that seems to be the most level-headed response, Chaz. I just dread going back even then, very much. Some part of me thinks I need to do it, though, for the kids and my grandparents. To explain everything to them -- and my parents even -- before I decide not to go home again. I want to be clear and up front with them.

I guess I have always just overlooked how painful and irritating these kinds of family relationships can be. I've thought for so long that, if I just ignore it, it'll either ease of go away.

Thank you for your advice, Bub; it is always helpful.

[ink_ling]

Exactly! As a hard-headed Virgo, it's difficult to even allow someone else to make the rules. :)

[ink_ling]

Thank you many times over, Bob. I have a feeling it'll be years before my folks get over it, if ever. Our family is several generations deep of Church of Christ and live in a small enough rural culture to really support it.

I will say that they have made quite a few strides, for them; it's just that it hardly does a thing for me.

I need to make a decision here, soon. Thanks!

[f8n_begorra]

There is an analogus period in my life to the one in which you find yourself. I refer it to as "the change." Clearly you have felt at odds with the family holiday rituals for some time; the difference now is that you choose to take a different direction this year. "The Change." I would urge you to take a long term view, since the actions you take this year, set up the expectations and traditions for future years. You rightfully want to maintain the connection to the farm, the grandparents and the next generation. Perhaps the 4th of July is the time to do that, or their birthdays, or an event of your creation and style that is divorced from all others; "Uncle Jason's Annual BBQ and Poetry Slam"... you choose. Or you arrive the winter solstice bearing gifts an set up the expectation that you will disappear into the dark early the following morning

[ink_ling]

You are absolutely genius! I do hear you and even feel inspired by you to make such a change. I guess you get that I am often moved along by personal -- very non-theistic, very made-over -- mythologies.

A few things need to be set in order first, though. I think in the future I need to stay in a hotel or at a friend's place. AND, I need to make my transportation more reliable. It's important for me to be able to withdraw, leave, whenever I want. If that is possible, then I'd enjoy taking my grandparents to dinner somewhere, surprising my nephews and nieces with ... hmm ... maybe a trip to the bookstore with gift certificates. Then, I'd be free to go out on the (very small) town for a bit and relax in my own space.

You are utterly right, of course, R! Have you ever considered being a shamanistic counselor? :) Thanks!

[f8n_begorra]

It's important for me to be able to withdraw, leave, whenever I want.
This is essential, and it also gives a powerful message: "I love you, I am independent of you, I will not be involved in your crap--I will leave every time if you even try it!" Soon enough they will find that you will not sport a target on your back.

And thanks for the compliment *glow* *blush*

[ink_ling]

Harumph! I wear NO targets!

You are deserving of the compliment, Buckaroo! Thank YOU!