T update: nine months
For reference, months eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one.
I'm still using 1.25 g of Androgel 1% daily, back on the pump this month. I've been applying it to my thighs pretty much exclusively without regard for alternation. There was one day when I decided to try not being on T anymore, because feelings.
Downstairs:
My junk seems to have achieved some new benchmark of awkwardness, too big to be treated like a clit but too small to be treated like a dick -- or alternatively, just the right size to be treated like either, depending on how in the mood I am for body acceptance. I'm calling it an inbetweiner for now because spelling dicklit just kind of irks me. Sometimes I throw temper tantrums when I can't get off fast enough, and sometimes I revel in the affirmation of having an undeniable physical manifestation of my non-binary identity in my pants where no one else can see it. Either way, it's gotten quite a bit bigger when hard than it was when I first noticed it had grown at all.
Acne:
I'm having a really hard time controlling oil in the cold, dry weather. I don't want to overwash or overmoisturize, but I'm definitely not at equilibrium. The worst of it is ear-wards of my sideburns. Also my chin, but that's always been the worst spot on my face. On the other hand, my back is totally in remission (except my neck, which is still touch and go). Aside from the marks and scars, it hasn't been this clear since eighth grade.
Facial hair:
I'm relieved that my tween 'stache hasn't gotten more noticeable, and ecstatic that my sideburns have. More hairs on the sides of my face have gotten darker, thicker, and longer, whereas ones on my chin have only gotten longer. It starts looking like I need to shave about two weeks after I last did it, but I'm not really bothering to do it regularly, just when the mood strikes me. When I let my sideburns grow out, they're visible in the mirror as the right shape, if that makes any sense. Also, my unibrow is growing ever more bold, with hairs growing nearly a centimeter north of the border.
Body hair:
My pubes have expanded their territory down the tops/insides of my thighs. My happy trail becomes more visible with each passing month. My chest is still afflicted with ingrown hairs, and I still get a bunch on my hips and outer thighs. The long, dark hairs around my nipples are getting fierce, too, but still not quite visible in the mirror.
Voice:
I've had a cold for about half the past month, and it's made my voice crack a lot, breaking from one range to another without my control. I try not to clear my throat too much and avoid vocal fry when I can stand to. I can still hear my underlying tone deepening in my recordings from the past month, but what I hear more of is strain from this cold and a big difference between when I actively try to use my chest voice as opposed to what's more a throat voice than a head voice.
Cycles:
I'm still getting periods, real regular ones, too. My endo is concerned, and frankly so am I. I've been on T for 9 months and have gotten 12 periods. That shit ain't right! In the beforetimes, I went through phases of feeling like it really wasn't worth living with (guilty until proven innocent) functioning reproductive organs, and I wouldn't say it's end-of-the-world bad right now. Each one has been short, so I've spent less time bleeding since starting T than I have in any nine month period since I was 13. Given my housing situation, it would be really nice to not have to keep girl underwear and related paraphernalia on hand, and given my occupation and work habits, it would be really nice to have some notice before it starts. Also, I'm really not a fan of PMS, which I never experienced before T and have experienced nearly every cycle since starting T.
Emotions:
I feel so steady that it's hard to maintain perspective enough to know how much I've changed. Is this why some people complain that they can't cry on T? I haven't felt the need to or anything, but I sort of feel like my logical nature has become colder, like it's maybe harder to empathize with people (and I was always bad at that). I'm definitely reminded of being a teenager in this respect.
Fat:
I am unable to resist candy when it is within reach. I haven't put on weight, but I somehow seem fatter in general. My clothes fit, but I used to have more room in the seat of pants than I do now, and I feel like I'm generally becoming more pear-shaped. Isn't this not supposed to happen? I wonder if it's related to the fact that my pre-T hormone levels were just ridiculously low across the board so I have more estrogen or whatever now, too. I'm overdue for a levels check, so I'll find out soon enough.
Sex drive:
This is really quite nice. I'm not uncontrollably horny as long as I can get some time to myself every day, and I think I now know why masturbation is called self-love, because that's sort of what it's become for me ever since I returned from my rather sex-ful vacation. I know my desire for partner sex is really dependent on external factors, but I wish I had just a little more in me so I could share.
Everything else:
My endo is not at all open to the idea of lowering my dose, and I'm kind of afraid of the responsibility of obtaining compounded gel and administering anything less fool-proof than the Androgel pump. I'm actually reasonably happy with my current dose but the bleeding every three weeks is prompting me to consider increasing my dose. My insurance would cover Androgel 1.62%, which comes in 1 g metered doses, but I'm not convinced such a small increase will knock out my evidently stubborn ovaries. In addition to considering a hysto as a potential solution, I've also been thinking about top surgery. A lot. I got a new roommate who's not as keen on waving his cis privilege in my face as much as his predecessor. I still feel defective sharing a room with another really tall cis guy because I'm short and have breasts and just don't feel especially satisfied with my body in comparison to what I don't have and can't exactly ignore. I came out to the head of the grad program and am relieved that at least someone in my department will be supportive. Good timing, too, because some time in the past month, I started passing in professional spaces. I look young, but not implausibly young to be an undergrad. I have had students come to my office hours knowing their prof referred to their TA using feminine pronouns and literally not believe I could be her. It's time for her to say goodbye, and not a moment too soon.
I think it's probably not worth updating so often given the slow pace of changes at this point. I'll post another update at the one year mark and maybe a quick note here and there if anything interesting happens.
I'm still using 1.25 g of Androgel 1% daily, back on the pump this month. I've been applying it to my thighs pretty much exclusively without regard for alternation. There was one day when I decided to try not being on T anymore, because feelings.
Downstairs:
My junk seems to have achieved some new benchmark of awkwardness, too big to be treated like a clit but too small to be treated like a dick -- or alternatively, just the right size to be treated like either, depending on how in the mood I am for body acceptance. I'm calling it an inbetweiner for now because spelling dicklit just kind of irks me. Sometimes I throw temper tantrums when I can't get off fast enough, and sometimes I revel in the affirmation of having an undeniable physical manifestation of my non-binary identity in my pants where no one else can see it. Either way, it's gotten quite a bit bigger when hard than it was when I first noticed it had grown at all.
Acne:
I'm having a really hard time controlling oil in the cold, dry weather. I don't want to overwash or overmoisturize, but I'm definitely not at equilibrium. The worst of it is ear-wards of my sideburns. Also my chin, but that's always been the worst spot on my face. On the other hand, my back is totally in remission (except my neck, which is still touch and go). Aside from the marks and scars, it hasn't been this clear since eighth grade.
Facial hair:
I'm relieved that my tween 'stache hasn't gotten more noticeable, and ecstatic that my sideburns have. More hairs on the sides of my face have gotten darker, thicker, and longer, whereas ones on my chin have only gotten longer. It starts looking like I need to shave about two weeks after I last did it, but I'm not really bothering to do it regularly, just when the mood strikes me. When I let my sideburns grow out, they're visible in the mirror as the right shape, if that makes any sense. Also, my unibrow is growing ever more bold, with hairs growing nearly a centimeter north of the border.
Body hair:
My pubes have expanded their territory down the tops/insides of my thighs. My happy trail becomes more visible with each passing month. My chest is still afflicted with ingrown hairs, and I still get a bunch on my hips and outer thighs. The long, dark hairs around my nipples are getting fierce, too, but still not quite visible in the mirror.
Voice:
I've had a cold for about half the past month, and it's made my voice crack a lot, breaking from one range to another without my control. I try not to clear my throat too much and avoid vocal fry when I can stand to. I can still hear my underlying tone deepening in my recordings from the past month, but what I hear more of is strain from this cold and a big difference between when I actively try to use my chest voice as opposed to what's more a throat voice than a head voice.
Cycles:
I'm still getting periods, real regular ones, too. My endo is concerned, and frankly so am I. I've been on T for 9 months and have gotten 12 periods. That shit ain't right! In the beforetimes, I went through phases of feeling like it really wasn't worth living with (guilty until proven innocent) functioning reproductive organs, and I wouldn't say it's end-of-the-world bad right now. Each one has been short, so I've spent less time bleeding since starting T than I have in any nine month period since I was 13. Given my housing situation, it would be really nice to not have to keep girl underwear and related paraphernalia on hand, and given my occupation and work habits, it would be really nice to have some notice before it starts. Also, I'm really not a fan of PMS, which I never experienced before T and have experienced nearly every cycle since starting T.
Emotions:
I feel so steady that it's hard to maintain perspective enough to know how much I've changed. Is this why some people complain that they can't cry on T? I haven't felt the need to or anything, but I sort of feel like my logical nature has become colder, like it's maybe harder to empathize with people (and I was always bad at that). I'm definitely reminded of being a teenager in this respect.
Fat:
I am unable to resist candy when it is within reach. I haven't put on weight, but I somehow seem fatter in general. My clothes fit, but I used to have more room in the seat of pants than I do now, and I feel like I'm generally becoming more pear-shaped. Isn't this not supposed to happen? I wonder if it's related to the fact that my pre-T hormone levels were just ridiculously low across the board so I have more estrogen or whatever now, too. I'm overdue for a levels check, so I'll find out soon enough.
Sex drive:
This is really quite nice. I'm not uncontrollably horny as long as I can get some time to myself every day, and I think I now know why masturbation is called self-love, because that's sort of what it's become for me ever since I returned from my rather sex-ful vacation. I know my desire for partner sex is really dependent on external factors, but I wish I had just a little more in me so I could share.
Everything else:
My endo is not at all open to the idea of lowering my dose, and I'm kind of afraid of the responsibility of obtaining compounded gel and administering anything less fool-proof than the Androgel pump. I'm actually reasonably happy with my current dose but the bleeding every three weeks is prompting me to consider increasing my dose. My insurance would cover Androgel 1.62%, which comes in 1 g metered doses, but I'm not convinced such a small increase will knock out my evidently stubborn ovaries. In addition to considering a hysto as a potential solution, I've also been thinking about top surgery. A lot. I got a new roommate who's not as keen on waving his cis privilege in my face as much as his predecessor. I still feel defective sharing a room with another really tall cis guy because I'm short and have breasts and just don't feel especially satisfied with my body in comparison to what I don't have and can't exactly ignore. I came out to the head of the grad program and am relieved that at least someone in my department will be supportive. Good timing, too, because some time in the past month, I started passing in professional spaces. I look young, but not implausibly young to be an undergrad. I have had students come to my office hours knowing their prof referred to their TA using feminine pronouns and literally not believe I could be her. It's time for her to say goodbye, and not a moment too soon.
I think it's probably not worth updating so often given the slow pace of changes at this point. I'll post another update at the one year mark and maybe a quick note here and there if anything interesting happens.