T update: eight weeks
For reference, weeks six, four, three, two, and one.
I've been using the AndroGel 1% metered pump, one 1.25 g pump daily. I applied a second dose on one day when I was feeling really down on myself, which is really concerning as a sign of developing an emotional dependence on a controlled substance. The decision to do that, however, was prompted by a few days when I became extremely sweaty (or was caught in torrential rain) within a few hours of my morning application, such that I felt my first dose was not fully absorbed. Those days coincided with some particularly severe misgendering that I decided were caused by my voice reverting in response to low T levels, but no evidence was definitively captured by my daily recordings. In any case, I've established a new policy of applying a second dose in the evening only on days when I think absorption of my first dose was significantly impaired.
Emotions:
I've gotten better about giving myself a bonus dose of Adderall at the end of the workday and taking it normally on weekends, so my ADHD is under control once again. I've also been suffering from nightmares about dead friends I can't stop thinking about and have been feeling less emotionally stable in general and really need to talk to my regular doctor about increasing my dose of Lamictal, the mood stabilizer I take ostensibly as an anti-convulsant.
Facial hair:
Vellous hair on my face is getting longer and longer, especially on my cheeks and chin. It's visible from farther and farther away from mirrors, and I'm considering shaving. Even though I consciously want a beard, I'm afraid of increasing my dose because I think I'd have to shave regularly, and somehow that's something I don't want even though I imagine myself with a beard many years from now. As long as it's vellous, I think it will probably revert back to its old growth rate if/when I stop T, but I was hoping I'd have a hint of real sideburns by then and not a scraggly chin patch.
Downstairs:
I conclude that the increase in white, oily buildup on my bits that I previously got only when I went days without bathing is a side-effect of T. It doesn't smell or itch or anything (and I have zero risk of STIs) so I doubt it's an infection, and it's easy enough to rinse off in the shower, so I'm not sure if this is what "smegma" refers to.
Muscles:
I seem to have retained the upper arm muscle I gained last month for no apparent reason other than T. I can also see my chest muscles when I flex and relax them in front of a mirror. I've been able to do that before, but not in the past year or so because I haven't done anything remotely resembling exercise, so I'm going to attribute this to T as well.
Voice:
My voice really doesn't sound different from how it did two weeks ago. The lack of control (still not sure if this is what "breaking" means) has subsided, and now it's mostly up to me to consciously access my chest voice. I'm eager for it to deepen further by fall and am not sure if I can do more with practice or if I really would need to increase my dose to get there. This doesn't really belong here, but based on my video recordings, I'm starting to think my face is changing in terms of fat distribution. I have humongous, fleshy cheeks, and they seem much less prominent in later videos than in earlier ones.
Acne:
My facial acne is still cyclic (not sure if I should be surprised about that), worsening the longer it's been since my last period. My shoulder bacne was clearing up when I stopped applying my T there but is now being influenced by other forces and getting a little worse. The cyst on my back isn't quite healed (still releases some foul smelling fluid when poked) but it's no longer inflamed, so I'm confident it will go away on its own.
Sex drive:
It's hardly as epic as I imagined, but my sex drive has remained higher than it was pre-T. I'm split about 50-50 between desiring partner sex and just wanting to masturbate, which is a balance more in favor of partner sex than before. This, however, I am certain is influenced by more than just T, but I think it's contributed.
Everything else:
I feel like being read as female is affecting me more now and I'm taking it personally when people who know me as female treat me as such or when my birth name is mentioned. I don't like this overly critical side of myself (that existed pre-T as well) and have been pretty good about hiding it from everyone. On the up side, I've been feeling pretty good about my chest when I'm alone and not binding, better than it's been in a few years. This has, however, led to a problem wherein I prefer to be alone or at home where I don't have to bind.
I've been using the AndroGel 1% metered pump, one 1.25 g pump daily. I applied a second dose on one day when I was feeling really down on myself, which is really concerning as a sign of developing an emotional dependence on a controlled substance. The decision to do that, however, was prompted by a few days when I became extremely sweaty (or was caught in torrential rain) within a few hours of my morning application, such that I felt my first dose was not fully absorbed. Those days coincided with some particularly severe misgendering that I decided were caused by my voice reverting in response to low T levels, but no evidence was definitively captured by my daily recordings. In any case, I've established a new policy of applying a second dose in the evening only on days when I think absorption of my first dose was significantly impaired.
Emotions:
I've gotten better about giving myself a bonus dose of Adderall at the end of the workday and taking it normally on weekends, so my ADHD is under control once again. I've also been suffering from nightmares about dead friends I can't stop thinking about and have been feeling less emotionally stable in general and really need to talk to my regular doctor about increasing my dose of Lamictal, the mood stabilizer I take ostensibly as an anti-convulsant.
Facial hair:
Vellous hair on my face is getting longer and longer, especially on my cheeks and chin. It's visible from farther and farther away from mirrors, and I'm considering shaving. Even though I consciously want a beard, I'm afraid of increasing my dose because I think I'd have to shave regularly, and somehow that's something I don't want even though I imagine myself with a beard many years from now. As long as it's vellous, I think it will probably revert back to its old growth rate if/when I stop T, but I was hoping I'd have a hint of real sideburns by then and not a scraggly chin patch.
Downstairs:
I conclude that the increase in white, oily buildup on my bits that I previously got only when I went days without bathing is a side-effect of T. It doesn't smell or itch or anything (and I have zero risk of STIs) so I doubt it's an infection, and it's easy enough to rinse off in the shower, so I'm not sure if this is what "smegma" refers to.
Muscles:
I seem to have retained the upper arm muscle I gained last month for no apparent reason other than T. I can also see my chest muscles when I flex and relax them in front of a mirror. I've been able to do that before, but not in the past year or so because I haven't done anything remotely resembling exercise, so I'm going to attribute this to T as well.
Voice:
My voice really doesn't sound different from how it did two weeks ago. The lack of control (still not sure if this is what "breaking" means) has subsided, and now it's mostly up to me to consciously access my chest voice. I'm eager for it to deepen further by fall and am not sure if I can do more with practice or if I really would need to increase my dose to get there. This doesn't really belong here, but based on my video recordings, I'm starting to think my face is changing in terms of fat distribution. I have humongous, fleshy cheeks, and they seem much less prominent in later videos than in earlier ones.
Acne:
My facial acne is still cyclic (not sure if I should be surprised about that), worsening the longer it's been since my last period. My shoulder bacne was clearing up when I stopped applying my T there but is now being influenced by other forces and getting a little worse. The cyst on my back isn't quite healed (still releases some foul smelling fluid when poked) but it's no longer inflamed, so I'm confident it will go away on its own.
Sex drive:
It's hardly as epic as I imagined, but my sex drive has remained higher than it was pre-T. I'm split about 50-50 between desiring partner sex and just wanting to masturbate, which is a balance more in favor of partner sex than before. This, however, I am certain is influenced by more than just T, but I think it's contributed.
Everything else:
I feel like being read as female is affecting me more now and I'm taking it personally when people who know me as female treat me as such or when my birth name is mentioned. I don't like this overly critical side of myself (that existed pre-T as well) and have been pretty good about hiding it from everyone. On the up side, I've been feeling pretty good about my chest when I'm alone and not binding, better than it's been in a few years. This has, however, led to a problem wherein I prefer to be alone or at home where I don't have to bind.