T update: six months
For reference, months five, four, three, two, one.
I'm still using one 1.25 g pump of Androgel 1% daily, applied mostly to my thighs and hips because if I apply it to areas that are easier to dry off after a shower and larger areas in general, then I have to spend less time naked in the freezing cold bathroom in the morning.
Body hair:
The hair on my stomach, on the midline above my navel, is now visible in the mirror, not just when I look down along my torso. I am getting really irritating ingrown hairs all over my chest, abdomen, and thighs. Oh, and then there are the angry ingrown hairs deep within the already gnarly pubes. Not fun at all! I hope this phase doesn't last much longer. The only place where I'm getting more hair without ingrown hairs is on my arms. I'm really excited that it's finally getting a little darker/thicker.
Facial hair:
The vellous hairs on my cheeks and chin are getting somewhat frighteningly long. I don't have much of anything resembling a mustache but am a little afraid that I'm close to getting there and will have to shave. I feel like my sideburns are getting thicker or darker, but I'm not certain. I do know that they stand out quite a bit after I cut my hair last week, enough that I thought shaving might make it less noticeable in general, contrary to my previous opnion that stubble growing in would be more conspicuous.
Acne
I get pimples wherever I apply my T, so I've been rotating the application site as much as i can stand. I'm getting more really enormous cysts, especially around my ears and sideburns, but I've been washing those areas extra carefully for over a month, so I think I've ruled out my own negligence at this point. I'm also still getting nodules on my cheeks that are less obvious but still no fun at all. My face feels oily in the afternoon 6-8 hours after I wash it with benzoyl peroxide, but at that point I have another 6-8 hours of work ahead of me so I've just been dealing with it. I'm thinking of getting those alcohol-based cleaning pad things, but my skin's already getting dry from the joys of winter.
Muscles:
My shoulders have beefed up further. I'm actually outgrowing shirts now. It feels really good. Not sure where to put this, but I'm getting shin splints, or whatever it's called, again, the thing where my feet are flat enough that walking causes the muscles in my lower legs to rip off of the bones in a really painful way. I've tried biking more but am getting a lot of inflammation in my knees, which is also painful. It hasn't been this bad in years and definitely not since I moved back to where there are seasons. Given that it's previously gotten worse in the cold, I'm afraid there are going to be days this winter when I can't make it to work.
Chest:
Not sure whether this is good or bad, but my broader shoulders are changing how my binders fit. For most of the summer, I preferred binding with too-tight sportsters even though I found it a bit invalidating. Now I don't find it invalidating, but tank-style binders are more comfortable and effective for me. I'm spending as much time not binding as possible because my lungs have been hurting when I get up in the morning (I had problems with fluid building up in my lungs when I sleep before I even started binding). The cold weather is making this easy, and I'm comfortable interacting with people when I have a sweatshirt on without any tit-restraining-devices underneath -- I don't feel invalidated by having a hint of chesticles visible to people who recognize me as not-female.
Cycles:
I keep thinking it's going to stop, even though my dose is low and all. I find myself really believing it and being honestly surprised when it happens. So, yeah, still having periods. They're short and not too hard to deal with, but it would be pretty sweet if they went away already. Oh, and cramps, haven't had those in a few months and was taken by surprise. I'm good at playing the stoic game, but not that good. Also, I'm really sick of getting PMS, something I never experienced before T. I can feel myself being irrationally emotional, but I can't seem to control it.
Scent:
For as long as I can remember, I've had to wash T-shirts (pretty much the only shirts I wear) after wearing them once, without exception regardless of how hot or cold it was, which I would have thought would correlate to how much I sweat and thus how much I stink. I noticed in the last month of increasingly cold weather that my worn shirts don't always smell bad, or even like they've been worn at all! I still wash them every time mostly out of habit, but I'm contemplating not doing that anymore.
Metabolism:
I was surprised that my heat tolerance improved over the summer because I figured I would "run hot" like I did when I was working out regularly. It turns out that my cold tolerance has also improved. I used to be an accurate thermometer in that I could not sleep if the temperature was less than 55F in my room. I can now sleep at temperatures down to 50F with the same blankets/pajamas/etc. I haven't needed long sleeves under any outerwear yet, and it has gone below freezing. I remember wearing a winter coat when it hit the low 40s last year, and I can get away with a sweatshirt and no long sleeves underneath now.
Fat:
I've put on weight, just 5lbs, but it seems to be staying put. Seeing as that's upping my bodyweight by 5%, I consider it notable. My officemate keeps a huge box of candy in the office, and I've eaten more than my fair share of it when at work alone all through the night. I never used to have much of a sweet tooth, and now I can't seem to control myself once I start. I feel like at least some of this weight is fat that's hanging out on my butt/hips. There's some more padding just south of my hip bones, and my pants are riding a little higher than they used to and refusing to stay put where I like them. I'm trying to cut out the candy entirely and hoping my hips go back to normal so I don't have to get new clothes.
Downstairs:
There's a lot more surface are down there than I thought there was. . . which is to say, I think I'm getting used to cleaning my junk as it is now. I've discovered I still can tuck everything away, just barely, but only if I'm 100% not even a little bit aroused when I do it. This is surprisingly hard to enforce. . . There's just one problem: I'm having trouble wearing pants that don't have extra room in the crotch. It just feels like everything's too tight. I may need to replace my pajamas, mostly women's since they were gifts from my mother from many years ago. On the bright side, I can now wear boxers as underwear rather than just as pajamas -- I never understood how anyone could wear boxers because I believed it felt like not wearing any underwear, but now I see the light.
Sex drive:
It doesn't fit perfectly under this heading, but I'm making progress with re-learning to masturbate since, yeah, the way I've been touching myself just isn't cutting it anymore. It takes more work to get off, and I have to do it more often otherwise I'll have too much trouble concentrating. But, I've adapted better than I expected to when it comes to re-learning and have been trying out new things without beating myself up over having any difficulties at all.
Emotions:
When taking Adderall, I've been doing this thing more where I'm either totally mentally absent from situations and zone out like it's my job or I get hyperfocused and work extremely efficiently. Pre-T, I'd be kind of unfocused sometimes zoning out horribly when unmedicated and somewhat more focused and far less prone to zoning out entirely when medicated. So, this is the more extreme version. I get more highs and lows now when it comes to my reaction to my own productivity. But, I'm less anxious in general and tend to not stress the small stuff as much as I used to, in that it's really surprising to me when I catch myself doing that anymore.
Voice:
I feel a little silly for still making voice recordings daily because nothing has changed for a long time, and in almost every one I say something along the lines of "today was a good voice day" because I don't really think about it anymore. I've noticed that my voice sounds very naturally, smoothly deep when I come in from the cold, and gets caught in an uncomfortably high range when I'm out of breath or have a dry throat.
Everything else:
As is evident from this post, I'm continuing to take T, and at the same dose. I'm generally feeling good about my own existence every day, and I like that. I'm not just getting by but actually succeeding in a lot of ways, and I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that and feel confident rather than only focusing on my failures (which are still abundant, obviously). I feel like I'm better able to handle the real world most of the time, and I don't even think about gender stuff that much anymore, at least not unintentionally from being hit with bouts of dysphoria. Also, when it comes to real world stuff, I'm making a lot of progress with not giving a fuck about being non-binary. In particular, I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can let down my guard and be not-100%-masculine in some ways at some times.
I'm still using one 1.25 g pump of Androgel 1% daily, applied mostly to my thighs and hips because if I apply it to areas that are easier to dry off after a shower and larger areas in general, then I have to spend less time naked in the freezing cold bathroom in the morning.
Body hair:
The hair on my stomach, on the midline above my navel, is now visible in the mirror, not just when I look down along my torso. I am getting really irritating ingrown hairs all over my chest, abdomen, and thighs. Oh, and then there are the angry ingrown hairs deep within the already gnarly pubes. Not fun at all! I hope this phase doesn't last much longer. The only place where I'm getting more hair without ingrown hairs is on my arms. I'm really excited that it's finally getting a little darker/thicker.
Facial hair:
The vellous hairs on my cheeks and chin are getting somewhat frighteningly long. I don't have much of anything resembling a mustache but am a little afraid that I'm close to getting there and will have to shave. I feel like my sideburns are getting thicker or darker, but I'm not certain. I do know that they stand out quite a bit after I cut my hair last week, enough that I thought shaving might make it less noticeable in general, contrary to my previous opnion that stubble growing in would be more conspicuous.
Acne
I get pimples wherever I apply my T, so I've been rotating the application site as much as i can stand. I'm getting more really enormous cysts, especially around my ears and sideburns, but I've been washing those areas extra carefully for over a month, so I think I've ruled out my own negligence at this point. I'm also still getting nodules on my cheeks that are less obvious but still no fun at all. My face feels oily in the afternoon 6-8 hours after I wash it with benzoyl peroxide, but at that point I have another 6-8 hours of work ahead of me so I've just been dealing with it. I'm thinking of getting those alcohol-based cleaning pad things, but my skin's already getting dry from the joys of winter.
Muscles:
My shoulders have beefed up further. I'm actually outgrowing shirts now. It feels really good. Not sure where to put this, but I'm getting shin splints, or whatever it's called, again, the thing where my feet are flat enough that walking causes the muscles in my lower legs to rip off of the bones in a really painful way. I've tried biking more but am getting a lot of inflammation in my knees, which is also painful. It hasn't been this bad in years and definitely not since I moved back to where there are seasons. Given that it's previously gotten worse in the cold, I'm afraid there are going to be days this winter when I can't make it to work.
Chest:
Not sure whether this is good or bad, but my broader shoulders are changing how my binders fit. For most of the summer, I preferred binding with too-tight sportsters even though I found it a bit invalidating. Now I don't find it invalidating, but tank-style binders are more comfortable and effective for me. I'm spending as much time not binding as possible because my lungs have been hurting when I get up in the morning (I had problems with fluid building up in my lungs when I sleep before I even started binding). The cold weather is making this easy, and I'm comfortable interacting with people when I have a sweatshirt on without any tit-restraining-devices underneath -- I don't feel invalidated by having a hint of chesticles visible to people who recognize me as not-female.
Cycles:
I keep thinking it's going to stop, even though my dose is low and all. I find myself really believing it and being honestly surprised when it happens. So, yeah, still having periods. They're short and not too hard to deal with, but it would be pretty sweet if they went away already. Oh, and cramps, haven't had those in a few months and was taken by surprise. I'm good at playing the stoic game, but not that good. Also, I'm really sick of getting PMS, something I never experienced before T. I can feel myself being irrationally emotional, but I can't seem to control it.
Scent:
For as long as I can remember, I've had to wash T-shirts (pretty much the only shirts I wear) after wearing them once, without exception regardless of how hot or cold it was, which I would have thought would correlate to how much I sweat and thus how much I stink. I noticed in the last month of increasingly cold weather that my worn shirts don't always smell bad, or even like they've been worn at all! I still wash them every time mostly out of habit, but I'm contemplating not doing that anymore.
Metabolism:
I was surprised that my heat tolerance improved over the summer because I figured I would "run hot" like I did when I was working out regularly. It turns out that my cold tolerance has also improved. I used to be an accurate thermometer in that I could not sleep if the temperature was less than 55F in my room. I can now sleep at temperatures down to 50F with the same blankets/pajamas/etc. I haven't needed long sleeves under any outerwear yet, and it has gone below freezing. I remember wearing a winter coat when it hit the low 40s last year, and I can get away with a sweatshirt and no long sleeves underneath now.
Fat:
I've put on weight, just 5lbs, but it seems to be staying put. Seeing as that's upping my bodyweight by 5%, I consider it notable. My officemate keeps a huge box of candy in the office, and I've eaten more than my fair share of it when at work alone all through the night. I never used to have much of a sweet tooth, and now I can't seem to control myself once I start. I feel like at least some of this weight is fat that's hanging out on my butt/hips. There's some more padding just south of my hip bones, and my pants are riding a little higher than they used to and refusing to stay put where I like them. I'm trying to cut out the candy entirely and hoping my hips go back to normal so I don't have to get new clothes.
Downstairs:
There's a lot more surface are down there than I thought there was. . . which is to say, I think I'm getting used to cleaning my junk as it is now. I've discovered I still can tuck everything away, just barely, but only if I'm 100% not even a little bit aroused when I do it. This is surprisingly hard to enforce. . . There's just one problem: I'm having trouble wearing pants that don't have extra room in the crotch. It just feels like everything's too tight. I may need to replace my pajamas, mostly women's since they were gifts from my mother from many years ago. On the bright side, I can now wear boxers as underwear rather than just as pajamas -- I never understood how anyone could wear boxers because I believed it felt like not wearing any underwear, but now I see the light.
Sex drive:
It doesn't fit perfectly under this heading, but I'm making progress with re-learning to masturbate since, yeah, the way I've been touching myself just isn't cutting it anymore. It takes more work to get off, and I have to do it more often otherwise I'll have too much trouble concentrating. But, I've adapted better than I expected to when it comes to re-learning and have been trying out new things without beating myself up over having any difficulties at all.
Emotions:
When taking Adderall, I've been doing this thing more where I'm either totally mentally absent from situations and zone out like it's my job or I get hyperfocused and work extremely efficiently. Pre-T, I'd be kind of unfocused sometimes zoning out horribly when unmedicated and somewhat more focused and far less prone to zoning out entirely when medicated. So, this is the more extreme version. I get more highs and lows now when it comes to my reaction to my own productivity. But, I'm less anxious in general and tend to not stress the small stuff as much as I used to, in that it's really surprising to me when I catch myself doing that anymore.
Voice:
I feel a little silly for still making voice recordings daily because nothing has changed for a long time, and in almost every one I say something along the lines of "today was a good voice day" because I don't really think about it anymore. I've noticed that my voice sounds very naturally, smoothly deep when I come in from the cold, and gets caught in an uncomfortably high range when I'm out of breath or have a dry throat.
Everything else:
As is evident from this post, I'm continuing to take T, and at the same dose. I'm generally feeling good about my own existence every day, and I like that. I'm not just getting by but actually succeeding in a lot of ways, and I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that and feel confident rather than only focusing on my failures (which are still abundant, obviously). I feel like I'm better able to handle the real world most of the time, and I don't even think about gender stuff that much anymore, at least not unintentionally from being hit with bouts of dysphoria. Also, when it comes to real world stuff, I'm making a lot of progress with not giving a fuck about being non-binary. In particular, I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can let down my guard and be not-100%-masculine in some ways at some times.