T update: seven months
For reference, months six, five, four, three, two, one.
I'm still using one 1.25 g pump of Androgel 1% daily in the morning, applied mostly to my thighs and hips at this point and rarely to my back, which is still recovering from acne. The larger area dries a lot faster, and because I can see/reach it better, I apply it more evenly. Why didn't I start doing this sooner?!
Facial hair:
I'm growing a visible mustache, just a little, not as noticeable as what one of my cis female co-workers of similar ethnicity has, but definitely there. Though I've always had some sideburns-y stuff, I never had upper lip hair. I'll leave the feelings about this for another post. . . Also, the vellous hairs around the sides of my mouth have gotten longer, too, and my sideburns are getting thicker/darker/denser, although moreso on the right side of my face than the left. I think it's really time for me to start shaving though. My sideburns look pretty serious in the mirror now and the vellous hairs along my jawline are getting really long if not dark. Not sure if it counts, but my unibrow was getting kinda fierce, so I plucked the four hairs growing right in between to make it look less like a single structure.
Body hair:
I stopped getting ingrown hairs on my thighs but still get them on my chest. Even that seems to be improving, but now I've got chest hair to replace it. The hair down the midline of my abdomen is very visible in the mirror, as is my happy trail, although the chest hair and nipple hair are not. My armpits are hairier than they were before, and they were plenty hairy to start with. I can't tell if it's gotten denser, longer, or widespread than before. I'm starting to get pubes growing farther and farther out from my crotch, too. I had a bunch of ingrown hairs in my pubes over the past month and have noticed the entire area is denser than pre-T. The hair on my big toes is also more noticeable than before, although that's not saying much.
Voice:
I can hear a change between two months ago and this month in my recordings, but it's not as obvious comparing this month to last month. I've been recovering from a cold for the past couple weeks and have had a really hard time speaking from my chest because my throat is full of mucus that forces me to use more of a head/throat voice. I'm constantly clearing my throat to maintain a comfortable range, and it's kinda gross and not great for my confidence. Because I've been consistently emptying fluid from my lungs, I haven't been binding as hard as I'd like, which is contributing to the confidence issues.
Acne:
The oiliness is manageable at this point. I basically don't get little pimples anymore, just cysts and nodules, and I'm getting them everywhere. Most notably, I've gotten one in my armpit, a few buried in my pubes, and more on my mid-lower back than I've ever seen before. And of course I have plenty on my face, ears, neck, and shoulders. People seem to think my skin's pretty good though, because cysts aren't necessarily visible, and I only have a few nodules on my face at any given time. The only really visible nodules are in my sideburns-space and jawline because I have bangs that cover most of my forehead and my chin and nose really only get little comedones that have largely cleared up in the past month.
Fat:
I am having persistent problems with food for the first time in memorable history. As a result of the candy discussed last month, my hips have gotten bigger (determined from pants that were previously too big now fitting), and I'm also getting belly fat. I'm developing an exercise plan to start in the new year (and planning next semester's schedule around it).
Sex drive:
High but manageable. I've been better about finding time every day to jerk off, and my interest in partner sex is increasing again (although I think it dropped in the first place due to non-T related stress).
Downstairs:
The whole too-much-junk thing is getting pretty old. I just want to be able to tuck the inner labia into the outer labia without having to constantly rearrange myself to prevent chafing, pinching, and pulling. It's better if I wear boxers and pants with lots of room in the crotch, but that's really not my style. On the bright side, I'm kinda getting my masturbatory mojo back in terms of learning how to get off with the new topography, so I'm hopeful that this too shall pass. Also, I gained some perspective on the matter from looking for porn I could more easily relate to body-wise, and I can safely say I haven't had enough growth to justify the amount of complaining I'm doing.
Cycles:
I'm still getting regular periods. The last one was longer but lighter than the previous few on T, with some fatigue replacing cramps, very reminiscent of my first decade of menstruation. I'm still getting PMS that I'm not thrilled about, especially given that I never experienced that pre-T.
Emotions:
I've been feeling more emotional than I'm used to -- in ways that are pretty stereotypically PMS -- but at least I seem to be hiding it better. I had a couple difficult meetings with folks in authority and felt like breaking down and crying but didn't -- this is a thing that's happened to me a couple times in the past due to being way too stressed to deal with emotions on top of whatever reality was responsible for the stress, and being able to hide that weakness is a huge relief. On the other hand, I've been lot more outgoing and, I guess, unrestrained when talking with people. I'm by no means an extrovert, but I'm less pathologically private than I was before. Perhaps I just care less about what other people think about me. The unrestrained thing isn't entirely a good thing though, as I'm being more argumentative because I'm quicker to say things before considering things from every angle like I used to because I would only talk if it was worth the pain of hearing my voice. Even when bad stuff happens, I seem to get over it faster, as if nothing can keep me down for very long. Because I'm less anxious overall, I don't feel the fire under my ass when it comes to work and haven't been able to get ahead of my deadlines by any reasonable margin, which is no good at all. I was afraid T would be a distraction from work, and I was right, but it didn't end up happening quite the way I thought it would.
Scent:
Well, so much for not stinking. I don't always stink, but I've had a few incidents when my deodorant seems to utterly fail to do anything. I'm inclined to think the scent changes aren't actually related to T. My junk gets rather musky unless I shower every day, but I'm not doing that because my skin is sad now that the weather's colder.
Muscles:
I don't think anything has changed in the last month, but when shopping on Black Friday, I discovered I don't always need the absolute smallest size available in men's anymore because my shoulders are finally approaching the size of a small man's instead of a small woman's. I was able to buy my first suit!
Everything else:
I really have no clue how I'm read, in general. The fact that I'm not getting stares probably means I'm being read as male, since perceived lesbians do attract attention where I live, but I still feel uncertain a lot of the time. If I were more confident in passing, I'd be more comfortable expressing myself in more androgynous ways, but I'm not always sure I'm there yet. I've been relating to my own past, sort of working out the kinks in my own trans* narrative, and getting all introspective about how I was in the past versus how I am now. I expected to be confronted with me rewriting the past to make it more obvious that I'm trans*, but I've encountered as much of the reverse and am feeling somewhat validated if also troubled by re-living some difficult times. Other things: I had some big comings out (which contributed to the walk down memory lane) and have more on the horizon, so that's something to be worrying about. I also changed my legal name and have more paperwork in my immediate future.
I'm still using one 1.25 g pump of Androgel 1% daily in the morning, applied mostly to my thighs and hips at this point and rarely to my back, which is still recovering from acne. The larger area dries a lot faster, and because I can see/reach it better, I apply it more evenly. Why didn't I start doing this sooner?!
Facial hair:
I'm growing a visible mustache, just a little, not as noticeable as what one of my cis female co-workers of similar ethnicity has, but definitely there. Though I've always had some sideburns-y stuff, I never had upper lip hair. I'll leave the feelings about this for another post. . . Also, the vellous hairs around the sides of my mouth have gotten longer, too, and my sideburns are getting thicker/darker/denser, although moreso on the right side of my face than the left. I think it's really time for me to start shaving though. My sideburns look pretty serious in the mirror now and the vellous hairs along my jawline are getting really long if not dark. Not sure if it counts, but my unibrow was getting kinda fierce, so I plucked the four hairs growing right in between to make it look less like a single structure.
Body hair:
I stopped getting ingrown hairs on my thighs but still get them on my chest. Even that seems to be improving, but now I've got chest hair to replace it. The hair down the midline of my abdomen is very visible in the mirror, as is my happy trail, although the chest hair and nipple hair are not. My armpits are hairier than they were before, and they were plenty hairy to start with. I can't tell if it's gotten denser, longer, or widespread than before. I'm starting to get pubes growing farther and farther out from my crotch, too. I had a bunch of ingrown hairs in my pubes over the past month and have noticed the entire area is denser than pre-T. The hair on my big toes is also more noticeable than before, although that's not saying much.
Voice:
I can hear a change between two months ago and this month in my recordings, but it's not as obvious comparing this month to last month. I've been recovering from a cold for the past couple weeks and have had a really hard time speaking from my chest because my throat is full of mucus that forces me to use more of a head/throat voice. I'm constantly clearing my throat to maintain a comfortable range, and it's kinda gross and not great for my confidence. Because I've been consistently emptying fluid from my lungs, I haven't been binding as hard as I'd like, which is contributing to the confidence issues.
Acne:
The oiliness is manageable at this point. I basically don't get little pimples anymore, just cysts and nodules, and I'm getting them everywhere. Most notably, I've gotten one in my armpit, a few buried in my pubes, and more on my mid-lower back than I've ever seen before. And of course I have plenty on my face, ears, neck, and shoulders. People seem to think my skin's pretty good though, because cysts aren't necessarily visible, and I only have a few nodules on my face at any given time. The only really visible nodules are in my sideburns-space and jawline because I have bangs that cover most of my forehead and my chin and nose really only get little comedones that have largely cleared up in the past month.
Fat:
I am having persistent problems with food for the first time in memorable history. As a result of the candy discussed last month, my hips have gotten bigger (determined from pants that were previously too big now fitting), and I'm also getting belly fat. I'm developing an exercise plan to start in the new year (and planning next semester's schedule around it).
Sex drive:
High but manageable. I've been better about finding time every day to jerk off, and my interest in partner sex is increasing again (although I think it dropped in the first place due to non-T related stress).
Downstairs:
The whole too-much-junk thing is getting pretty old. I just want to be able to tuck the inner labia into the outer labia without having to constantly rearrange myself to prevent chafing, pinching, and pulling. It's better if I wear boxers and pants with lots of room in the crotch, but that's really not my style. On the bright side, I'm kinda getting my masturbatory mojo back in terms of learning how to get off with the new topography, so I'm hopeful that this too shall pass. Also, I gained some perspective on the matter from looking for porn I could more easily relate to body-wise, and I can safely say I haven't had enough growth to justify the amount of complaining I'm doing.
Cycles:
I'm still getting regular periods. The last one was longer but lighter than the previous few on T, with some fatigue replacing cramps, very reminiscent of my first decade of menstruation. I'm still getting PMS that I'm not thrilled about, especially given that I never experienced that pre-T.
Emotions:
I've been feeling more emotional than I'm used to -- in ways that are pretty stereotypically PMS -- but at least I seem to be hiding it better. I had a couple difficult meetings with folks in authority and felt like breaking down and crying but didn't -- this is a thing that's happened to me a couple times in the past due to being way too stressed to deal with emotions on top of whatever reality was responsible for the stress, and being able to hide that weakness is a huge relief. On the other hand, I've been lot more outgoing and, I guess, unrestrained when talking with people. I'm by no means an extrovert, but I'm less pathologically private than I was before. Perhaps I just care less about what other people think about me. The unrestrained thing isn't entirely a good thing though, as I'm being more argumentative because I'm quicker to say things before considering things from every angle like I used to because I would only talk if it was worth the pain of hearing my voice. Even when bad stuff happens, I seem to get over it faster, as if nothing can keep me down for very long. Because I'm less anxious overall, I don't feel the fire under my ass when it comes to work and haven't been able to get ahead of my deadlines by any reasonable margin, which is no good at all. I was afraid T would be a distraction from work, and I was right, but it didn't end up happening quite the way I thought it would.
Scent:
Well, so much for not stinking. I don't always stink, but I've had a few incidents when my deodorant seems to utterly fail to do anything. I'm inclined to think the scent changes aren't actually related to T. My junk gets rather musky unless I shower every day, but I'm not doing that because my skin is sad now that the weather's colder.
Muscles:
I don't think anything has changed in the last month, but when shopping on Black Friday, I discovered I don't always need the absolute smallest size available in men's anymore because my shoulders are finally approaching the size of a small man's instead of a small woman's. I was able to buy my first suit!
Everything else:
I really have no clue how I'm read, in general. The fact that I'm not getting stares probably means I'm being read as male, since perceived lesbians do attract attention where I live, but I still feel uncertain a lot of the time. If I were more confident in passing, I'd be more comfortable expressing myself in more androgynous ways, but I'm not always sure I'm there yet. I've been relating to my own past, sort of working out the kinks in my own trans* narrative, and getting all introspective about how I was in the past versus how I am now. I expected to be confronted with me rewriting the past to make it more obvious that I'm trans*, but I've encountered as much of the reverse and am feeling somewhat validated if also troubled by re-living some difficult times. Other things: I had some big comings out (which contributed to the walk down memory lane) and have more on the horizon, so that's something to be worrying about. I also changed my legal name and have more paperwork in my immediate future.