Two Crows Joy, Chapter 31
Two Crows Joy
a "Brokeback Mountain" fanfiction by Mad Lori
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3 -- Chapter 4 -- Chapter 5 -- Chapter 6 -- Chapter 7 -- Chapter 8 -- Chapter 9 -- Chapter 10 -- Chapter 11 -- Chapter 12 -- Chapter 13 -- Chapter 14 -- Chapter 15 -- Chapter 16 -- Chapter 17 -- Chapter 18 -- Chapter 19 -- Chapter 20 -- Chapter 21 -- Chapter 22 -- Chapter 23 -- Chapter 24 -- Chapter 25 -- Chapter 26 -- Chapter 27 -- Chapter 28 -- Chapter 29 -- Chapter 30
Ennis changed into his pajamas (bottoms only), brushed his teeth and flossed, put his clothes into the hamper, straightened the bedding, climbed in and propped pillows behind his back. He drew the quilt up to his waist, arranged himself into a comfortable position, took a few calming breaths, picked up the phone, and dialed.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jack.”
He heard Jack sigh. “Hey there, handsome. Been waitin on yer call.”
“Jus gettin in bed now.”
“So? How’d everything go? What’s yer brother like?”
“He’s…he’s all right. Seems to’ve mellowed out some since we was young.”
“Like you.”
“Guess so.”
“What’s he look like?”
“Uh…kinda like me, I guess. Little taller, little bigger. Lizzie said he looks a lot more’n two years older’n me.”
“You have been well preserved by clean livin and loud bitchin.”
Ennis chuckled. “Anyway, he seemed real impressed with the place, and the ranch. And he ain’t here fer a handout, that’s fer sure.”
“That’s a relief.”
“It surely is.” He sighed. “But Jack…” He trailed off.
“What?” Jack prodded, gently.
“I cain’t fuckin do this,” Ennis said, the words tumbling out. “I cain’t hide it. I mean, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad fer a few days, jus don’t talk about it, right? Well, it ain’t so easy as all that. He’s curious, askin questions about this wife I’m s’posed ta have and if I talk about ya I gotta act like yer a woman and it jus sounds so damned wrong every time. And he’s wonderin why I ain’t got no pictures a my wife and every time somethin ain’t true comes outta my mouth it’s just like diggin myself deeper n deeper into a big black hole.” He took a breath. “I don’t know if I can keep this up.”
There was silence for a moment. “You…act like I’m a woman?”
Ennis shifted in the bed. “Kinda.”
“And what’re you callin me, then?”
He flushed and played with the phone cord. “Aw, I don’t like ta say…”
“C’mon, Ennis.”
He shut his eyes. “Jackie.”
Another moment of silence, and then Jack burst into laughter. “Well, if ya gotta do it…”
“It ain’t funny, Jack! This is fuckin pullin my guts out!”
Jack stopped laughing. “Yer right, I’m sorry. It ain’t funny. Ennis, I didn’t want ya ta be upset. If you wanna tell him, then that’s yer call. I jus…” He heard Jack sigh. “I don’t want ya ta lose no more family cause a me.”
Ennis stared into space, thinking of Francie. “I know ya don’t, but Jack…ya know that whatever family I got starts with you, don’tcha? It ain’t right ta hide ya under the rug fer the sake a my brother, who I don’t even know no more, and if he’s gonna cut me off when he finds out then I guess I ain’t gonna know him anyhow.”
“Jus thought maybe waitin would give ya some better odds.”
“I know. But it’s…it ain’t right.”
“Hmm. Ta think I’ve lived ta see the day when Ennis Del Mar was fightin in favor a comin out while I’m the one tellin him ta stay in the closet.”
“I guess that’d be yer influence, then.”
“Sure hope so.” Ennis sighed. “Guess I’ll tell him tomorrow, then. Find a good moment.”
“If there can be a good moment fer such a thing. Listen, Ennis…I can make light, but ya don’t know what it means ta me that yer so anxious fer yer brother ta know the truth. That you ain’t ashamed no more.”
Ennis nodded. “I don’t rightly know how or when that happened. I can remember bein plenty ashamed, or at least careful. I guess…” He hesitated. “I guess I’m jus lookin around me and thinkin that if the life we got is somethin I oughta be ashamed of, then I don’t know what shame means no more.” There was silence on the other end; it stretched out long enough that Ennis wondered if Jack had gotten cut off. “Jack?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“You okay, bud?”
“Yeah. Jus…that’s some shit ta warm my heart, darlin.”
Ennis smiled to himself. “I aim ta please.” He settled a little lower in bed, the most difficult part of the conversation past him. “How you doin today, bud?”
He heard Jack sigh. “Oh…I been better, ta tell the truth.”
“Yeah?”
“I, uh…talked ta Lureen on the phone earlier.”
“Ya did, huh?” Ennis knew what that meant. “You feelin low about Bobby?”
“Yeah.” He heard the weariness in Jack’s tone.
“Ya coulda called me, ya know,” he said.
“I didn’t like ta bug you none, with yer brother due there anytime. Anyhow, sometimes…and don’t take this wrong, but sometimes it’s like I jus gotta talk ta her.”
“Mmmm,” Ennis murmured. “Some sense ta that, I guess.”
“Anyways, it helped some. We had a chat and I felt better.”
Ennis grunted. “Ain’t it my job ta help ya with that?”
He heard Jack let out an exasperated sigh. “You cain’t do it all yerself, ya know. Jus knowin yer there and that ya care enough ta wanna do fer me is plenty help.”
“Guess so,” Ennis said. “Jus seems that if I was really helpin I’d be able ta jus say the right thing or do the right thing and make it all go away for ya.”
“Ain’t nobody can do that, not even a big strappin cowboy like you.”
“Shit,” Ennis said, embarrassed.
“What, you suggestin that you ain’t a big strappin cowboy?”
“You cut that out, now.”
Jack chuckled. “All right, I’ll leave ya be. You oughta be gettin some sleep, anyhow.”
“You ain’t my mother, now.”
“Well, I’m the next best thing, then. I’ll be talkin to ya tomorrow night, then?”
“Sure enough.”
“Ennis…I know yer probly real scared a tellin yer brother the truth, but if that’s what ya want, then don’t make a big production. Jus come right out with it, let the chips fall where they might. And if ya decide ya just cain’t do it, then that’s all right, too. Yer the one gotta face the consequences.” He hesitated. “Wish I was there with ya.”
“Well, if ya were, it’d probly make all this moot,” Ennis said. “Be hard ta pass ya off as my fishin buddy.”
“Like we ain’t never done that before.”
“Okay, bud. I’ll, uh…give you a call tomorrow, then. My best ta yer ma.”
“She sends her love. Good luck, now.”
“Be needin it. Night, Jack.”
The next morning, Ennis took a longer shower than he normally would have. He stood under the spray, playing the variations in his head. The thing is, Ken, that I don’t got no wife. I got a husband.
That’s kinda blunt and confrontational.
Okay, ya know how I said my wife’s name is Jackie? It ain’t, it’s just Jack, well actually it’s John, and he ain’t a woman. He’s a man, and technically he ain’t my wife, not really my husband either since it ain’t legal, but see here’s the ring he gave me, and…
Shit. Make it a little more confusin while yer at it.
So, Ken…how ya feel about queers? Don’t s’pose you were all traumatized by seein Earl’s body too, were ya? What if I told ya that I was one?
Jesus Christ, Ennis.
Want the truth, Ken? My younger daughter’s disowned me, the town bigots tried ta burn my house down, and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at suckin dick.
Ennis rubbed soap through his hair, shaking his head and marveling at the unplumbed depths of his ineptitude at this sort of thing.
I’ve told you some things that weren’t true, Ken, and I’m sorry for it. The truth is that I’m gay, and I don’t live here with my wife, I live here with my partner. His name’s Jack Twist. Lemme show you a picture a him, and tell you about how I met him.
Ennis paused, then reached out and shut off the water. That might do.
He toweled off and dressed, then went across the hall to knock on Ken’s door. It was opened almost at once; Ken was just buckling his belt but was otherwise fully dressed. “Mornin,” he said.
“Sleep okay?” Ennis asked.
“Real fine, thanks.”
“Well, let’s get some breakfast and we’ll head out.”
“Sounds good!” Ken said, smiling and clapping Ennis on the shoulder. They walked to the kitchen, Ennis waiting for some new question he’d have to answer with a lie. So, did you talk ta yer wife last night? Betcha miss her, huh? She’d normally be goin out with ya, huh? But none came. He didn’t think that his revelation was suitable for the breakfast table; it’d be better when they were alone, in the stables or the barn or out on the ranch.
Lizzie and Junior came up from the bungalow for breakfast. Ennis was mildly surprised when Ken stationed himself at the stove and cooked everyone’s eggs; after his offhand comments of the previous day, he’d half-expected him to sit at the table for the women to wait on him.
“So, what’s on deck fer today, then?” Ennis asked, gruffly.
“Well,” Lizzie said. “Paul’s coming out to have a look at that calf, and give the horses a once-over. “I’ve got to drive up to Burlington this afternoon to pick up that part for the yard tractor.”
“I’ve got two classes today, then a study group.”
“Will ya be home fer dinner, then?”
“Oh, yeah. I oughta be home by four.”
Ennis nodded. “Reckon I’ll fire up the barbecue and grill some steaks fer dinner. Shame not ta take advantage a this balmy weather we’re havin.”
Ken smiled. “Ya fancy yerself a grill master there, little brother?”
Ennis shrugged. “I do all right. Usually comes out edible, anyway.”
“Why’nt ya let me show ya how it’s done tonight?” he said, his tone teasing.
“Ooh, that sounds like a challenge, Daddy,” Junior said.
“Hell, if you wanna do all the work while I set round with a beer n watch, then that’s jus fine with me,” Ennis said.
Ennis watched out of the corner of his eye as his brother saddled up Clairie. It didn’t appear that Ken had forgotten any of his horsemanship; he swung himself into the saddle with one practiced heave. Ennis mounted up on Saskatoon and led the way out of the stable.
It was unseasonably warm at nearly fifty degrees. They’d lost all of their holiday snow, leaving behind muddy, brown grass and dispirited trees. The damp air and ground soaked up all noise until the far-off cry of a hawk was strident and startling.
Ennis held up his end of the neutral conversation about the new calves, their staff issues, the ups and downs of the beef market, and if the maple syrup really was as good as Ken had heard. Meanwhile, in his head, he was rehearsing what he might say, how he’d bring it up, when he should broach the subject, and trying to imagine how his brother might react so he could be ready for it.
What if he screamed and yelled and cursed him? What if he was disgusted and horrified? In some ways, that reaction would be the easiest thing to deal with. His visit would simply be over, he’d leave, they’d likely never speak again. If he was confused or surprised but not hostile, there would be many lengthy conversations in Ennis’s future about how long he’d known he was gay, how he’d met Jack, how their relationship had evolved, about Ennis’s family and their feelings on the matter…conversations that Ennis felt at least somewhat able to handle, but which would be a long slog over ground he’d covered to his own satisfaction and now would have to present to Ken in a way that he’d understand.
Ennis wondered how much of a chickenshit it made him that part of him hoped that Ken would just call him a filthy faggot and stalk off, so he didn’t have to spend the next few days explaining himself.
Jack wouldn’t think like that. Jack would be glad fer the chance ta show somebody new that we’re jus like normal folks, that we ain’t evil or perverted. Jack would love ta bring Ken inta the fold and chalk up another tally-mark fer one more person’s mind opened up. He’d know jus what ta say and what not ta say and in what order ta say it so’s Ken wouldn’t be spooked, and he’d know when ta back off and let Junior talk, or Lizzie, and he’d know when ta break out the family photos and when it was okay for him ta put his hand on my knee, real brief and subtle, jus ta show that it’s normal.
Yeah, but Jack ain’t here, dumbfuck. It’s all on you. And if you fuck it up yer gonna spend a lotta time wonderin how you coulda done better.
In his head, he’d selected a good spot. They’d ride past the home paddock, out to the river past Rory’s place, then back around the rear perimeter of the ranch up to the little picnic area by the creek. They could have a sit-down before lunch and Ennis could tell him the truth. That way, if Ken wanted to leave right off, at least he wouldn’t have far to go to the house.
You should just go there now. Screw ridin around fer another hour. Jus go there, sit him down and tell him the fuckin truth.
It was good advice, he knew. Well begun is half done, as Jack would say. No time like the present, he’d also say. Get off yer ass and get to it, he would no doubt finish up with. And if that didn’t work he’d just grab Ennis by the arm and drag him to whatever task he was trying to avoid.
I jus need a little time ta work up my nerve, get my head clear.
Sure, whatever.
“Whose place is this?” Ken was asking, looking up to the back of Rory’s barns as they crossed the little creek bridge.
“Our neighbor Rory. Dairyman. Nice fella, kinda accident-prone.”
“He make any a that Vermont cheese I keep hearin about?”
“Nope, jus grows the milk. Got us a real fine cheesemaker other side a town. I know she gets her milk fresh from Rory, though. Makes this aged cheddar stuff.”
“Is it good?”
“Fuck, yeah. Bites ya back and then melts away.” They passed the back field that Ennis still could hardly stand to look at. Every time he was here, it was like it happened again. He heard the shot, saw Jack fall, and felt everything inside him come loose and float away on a great big tidal wave of terror. Even now, years later, it was hard to think about it. What made it worse was the knowledge that he had a fifty percent chance of feeling that way again, except there’d be no living Jack on the other end of it, hopping mad and with a bullet scrape across his arm. There’d only be the reality of a dead Jack and the life he would have to live without him. He had times when he prayed that he’d go first, just so he wouldn’t have to go through that, but he couldn’t wish for that too hard, because it only meant that he’d be sentencing Jack to suffer the loss in his place.
“So, we gonna do any work today?” Ken asked, a smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Or jus ride around like sightseers?”
“Ain’t much ta do, truth be told. Not till this afternoon when the vet gets here. But I’ll tell ya what…let’s pick up the pace and head back. Got a little spot down by our creek I wanna show ya.”
“Wanna smoke?”
“Nah, I quit.”
Ken chuckled. “Since when?”
“Well…still kinda work in progress, I guess.”
“Betcha the wife put ya up ta that. I know Barbara was after me enough ta quit.”
Ennis said nothing. They were seated in two of the teak lounge chairs that sat around the stone campfire-circle down by the creek. Ken puffed on his cigarette in silence; the only sound for several minutes was the quiet burble of the creek going by, swollen with thaw waters, rafted with sticks and winter debris from the hills.
Jus do it. Get it over with. Do it now.
Ennis took a deep breath.
“Can I ask you somethin?” Ken said.
He released the breath and composed himself. “Sure.”
“You, uh…ever have trouble with…with drink?” The question was quiet, posed with mock nonchalance, Ken’s eyes staked firmly ahead.
Ennis cleared his throat. “Well, it ain’t always been my friend. I guess I had my days in the bottle.”
“Not no more, though?”
“No, not fer years. Have myself a beer or whisky sometimes. Get drunk with…well, get drunk from time ta time.”
“Bet yer one a them quiet, morose drunks, ain’tcha?” Ken said. He was going for a teasing, joking tone, but Ennis wasn’t fooled.
He shook his head. “No, I’m just kind of a sloppy drunk.”
Ken’s jaw clenched. “I’m doin the steps, Ennis.”
“Oh.”
“Fuckin drink was like a demon on my ass my whole damned life. Since the folks died.”
Ennis frowned. “You was drinkin back then?”
“Oh, shit yeah. Did my best ta hide it.”
“Well, ya did a pretty fuckin good job.”
“When I think a all the times I was drunk behind the wheel with you in the car, or your sister…gives me a bad turn. Coulda killed us all.”
“Didn’t, though.”
Ken shifted in his chair. “I know yer wonderin why I’m here. Like ya said last night, maybe jus lookin fer some family?”
Ennis nodded. “Only natural, ain’t it?”
Ken turned toward him and Ennis drew back, surprised to see his brother’s eyes misted over. “Yer all I got left, little brother. You and Merle.”
“That ain’t so. Ya got yer kids, and…”
“My kids don’t speak ta me. They don’t wanna have nothin ta do with me.” He was looking away again, down at his hands resting on his thighs. Ennis watched his profile.
“So…yer a drunk, then?” Ennis said. It sounded harsh, he knew, but he had the feeling that Ken needed to be harsh about this.
“I am,” Ken said, sounding hoarse. “Took me long years t’admit that. Cost me everythin I had. Job, marriage, kids, money, everythin.”
“You done…bad things? When yer drunk, then?”
“I hardly know what I done when I was drunk. It’s like I’m somebody else, some monster comes outta my skin and looks like me but ain’t me.” He sniffed and swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “What kinda man lets that shit happen, Ennis?”
“Lotsa men get taken over by the bottle. You ain’t the first.” Ennis spoke carefully, feeling his way along. “You ever…hurt Barbara? Or the kids?”
Ken sat very still, his hands now clasped tight in his lap. “I never hit em, if that’s whatcha mean.”
“There’s other ways ta hurt.”
“Ain’t that the truth. I ain’t got no control over my temper or what I say when I’m in the bag, Ennis. And even if I never raised a hand ta my family, I did it ta plenty a other folks. Got inta bar fights, fights at work, fights with total strangers on the street. Did a couple short stints for assault.”
“Jesus, Ken.”
“Don’t know what I was always so fuckin mad about, anyhow.”
“Yeah, ya do. Same thing I was mad about fer a long time. Bout getting kicked out inta the world before you were cooked proper, havin ta fend fer yerself with no hope a escape.”
“Well, you found away.”
Ennis sighed. “I owe what I got now ta somebody else.”
“I don’t fuckin know how Barbara lasted as long as she did. Stayed with me fer the kids’ sake, when it’d probably a been better fer them ta be away from me. I weren’t no kinda father ta them.”
“Don’t try’n make it her fault fer not leavin,” Ennis said.
“I ain’t makin it no one’s fault but mine. That’s part a the steps, ya know. Facin what ya done, askin forgiveness, acceptin the consequences. Well, my kids ain’t forgivin me fer what I put their ma through, and them too. Barbara left me when they were grown and that’s when I hit bottom. Woke up in the hospital one day havin almost died a alcohol poisonin. Docs got me inta the program. Been two years sober now.”
Ennis stared at his own hands. It was easy to sit here and judge, but Ennis knew firsthand how it was when the bottle had you, when you lost control, when you couldn’t rein it in. He’d gotten into his share of fights, had raised his voice to his girls. Hell, he’d punched Jack when he was stone cold sober. If Jack hadn’t come when he had, if his life hadn’t changed how it had, he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have gone that road himself. “It’s good yer sober now,” he said.
“I don’t know how ta make up fer what I put my family through. And I…I guess I’d understand if ya didn’t want no more ta do with me now.” Ken trailed off.
Ennis thought for a moment. “You done had some problems. I ain’t lived a saintly life myself. And it ain’t no use lookin back. If yer getting straight and tryin ta do right these days, guess the best I can do is wish ya luck.”
Ken said nothing. Ennis glanced at him and saw his chin tremble for just a moment, quick enough for Ennis to wonder if he’d imagined it, then he let out a breath and nodded. “Thanks, Ennis.” He sniffed, then chuckled ruefully. “Damn, musta been some kinda heaven-sent fate that I found ya here. Didn’t know how I’d missed havin a brother.”
Ennis tried to smile along and agree, but it was hard. Man’s lost his whole family. No wonder he was so fired up ta get us reacquainted. How can I tell him about me now, and take it all away so fast?
Shit.
Jack walked into Cedar Crest just before noon, feeling guilty that he was just now getting here. He hadn’t slept too well the night before. His mind kept turning over the conversation he’d had with Ennis, worrying about how his brother would react to the truth, feeling guilty that he wasn’t there to help him through this. As a consequence, he’d overslept and hadn’t had a chance to drop by before he had to meet with a realtor about finding a house for his parents.
As he crossed the lobby, Alma emerged from the elevator. “Hello, Jack,” she said, pleasantly enough.
“Howdy, Alma,” Jack said, stopping. “Guess you been to see Ma.”
“Brought her some potato salad. Expect you might be partakin,” she said, one eyebrow raised. It had already been established that Alma’s cooking agreed with Jack just fine.
“Well, I’ll see if I cain’t choke some down,” he said, smiling.
Alma regarded him for a moment; she seemed to be considering something. “I, uh…plan ta bring Grace around to my house tomorrow,” she said. “Fer dinner. She wants ta meet my boys, and Monroe’d like ta meet her, too.”
“Oh, that’s awful nice a you,” Jack said, touched. “I bet she cain’t remember the last time somebody cooked a meal for her.”
Alma nodded, then spoke rapidly. “Yer welcome ta come.”
Jack blinked. “You…yer invitin me ta yer house?”
“Why not?”
“Oh, I can think a one or two reasons.”
“Ain’t we grownups?”
“I hope so. But…I don’t want things ta be…ya know. Awkward.”
“A course,” Alma said, cocking one eyebrow. “Cause they ain’t been awkward before now.”
Jack chuckled. “I guess ya got me there. Well…I appreciate it, Alma, but…I wouldn’t want t’upset Francine.”
“Girl could use some upset,” Alma said, a slight edge coming to her voice. “I am sick and tired a bein a slave ta her delicate sensibilities.”
Jack blinked, surprised. “Well, all right, then. I’ll be glad ta join. I’ll jus bring Ma with me, then?”
“Sure enough. Six o’clock.”
“Lookin forward to it.”
Alma risked a quick glance into his face, then took her leave with a brisk nod. Jack watched her go, still assimilating what had just happened. Christ, Ennis ain’t gonna believe this.
Ennis stood by and brushed Clairie while Paul McGill examined Gretchen’s hooves, laughing and joking with Ken. He was paying very close attention, although you wouldn’t have known it to look at him. He was half-hoping that Paul might make an offhand reference to his partner, just so he could see Ken’s reaction.
“I gotta say, you’re a lot more outgoing than your brother here,” Paul was saying, pointing at Ennis with the hoofpick.
“Aw, he was always the quiet, moody type,” Ken said. “Always hadta drag his ass to the dinner table or anywhere else there was people. Rather be out in the fields all by hisself.”
“I guess he’s changed some, then,” Paul said. “He’s got a lot of friends now.”
“That so?” Ken turned to Ennis. “When’m I gonna meet some a these friends a yers, Ennis? Or maybe yer embarrassed a yer hick brother,” he said, laughing.
“Ain’t embarrassed.” I just cain’t take the chance they’re gonna out me ta you. “Sure we’ll be meetin some a them before too long.”
“Hey, Daddy,” Junior said, coming into the stable.
“Well hey, darlin. How’s that study group goin?”
She shrugged, going right to Gretchen. “Same as usual. Equal parts studyin and gossipin. You want me to cut up some potatoes for dinner? I could make up a salad, too.”
Ennis looked at his watch. The day was getting away from him; it was just past four. “Yeah, that’d be great. Guess I’ll be wantin ta start up the grill round five. Lizzie back yet?”
“Her car’s here. I guess she’s in the office.”
Ennis nodded. “Reckon I oughta go up and check in.”
“Think I’ll stick down here,” Ken said. “Nice bein around horses again. Sure have missed that.”
“Sure. Take yer time,” Ennis said. “Jus come on up ta the house whenever ya want.” He strode out of the stable towards the house. Junior fell into step next to him.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?” she said out of the corner of her mouth.
“Tell him what?”
She shot him a sidelong glance. “C’mon, Daddy. I know you. You hated tellin all them lies about Jack so you made up yer mind ta tell the truth, didn’t you? But you haven’t.”
Ennis sighed and held the door for her as they reached the house. “I don’t know what ta fuckin do, Junior. Uh…pardon my French.”
She sat down at the kitchen counter. “What’s wrong?”
Ennis leaned against the counter, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Well…he laid some stuff on me this mornin. We was sitting down at the picnic shore and I swear I was openin my mouth ta tell him when he starts talkin bout how he’s an alcoholic.”
“Oh,” Junior said, sagging a little.
“Sounds like he’s really been through the wringer. Cost him his wife, and his kids don’t speak ta him, and the poor guy’s damn near alone in the world. He’s tryin ta rebuild his life and then he comes across me, and I think he’s reachin out ta me cause he’s been feelin so cut off.”
“Oh, Daddy.”
“Ya see my problem.”
“Well…”
“That coulda been me, ya know. If it weren’t fer Jack it probly woulda been. And I know what it’s like ta have a child not speakin ta you.” He paused for a moment, then cleared his throat and went on. “I guess I wanna help him. And if I tell him…well, maybe that’d be one more family member he’d lose.”
“If you were lost to him that wouldn’t be on you, it’d be on him.”
“Don’t matter.”
“You don’t know that he’d cut you off if he knew.”
“I don’t know, no. But I got a feelin. It’s more’n likely he wouldn’t wanna have no more ta do with me.”
“So you’re gonna deny who you are, and pretend Jack isn’t who he is, so that if Ken’s a close-minded bigot he won’t be troubled? Because you want to help him?”
Ennis shrank a little. “Sounds different when ya put it like that.”
“Daddy…if he’s the kinda man who’d disown you because you’re gay then he doesn’t deserve your help and support. And if he isn’t, then it won’t matter and you can tell the truth and still be his brother.”
Ennis rubbed a hand over his face. “Christ, I don’t know what ta do. I know yer right, darlin, but…ain’t so easy when I’m lookin him in the face.”
Junior was nodding. “I know what it is. You’ve got residual shame and you still don’t think you deserve equal treatment, so you’re subjugating your identity for the comfort of others.”
Ennis stared at her. “Damn, what they teachin you at that college?”
She spread her hands. “Political Science 135. Civil rights and social change.”
“Well, whatever that meant, yer probly right.” He scratched his chin. “Ya know, there’s a way maybe I could suss out how he’s gonna react.”
“What’s that?”
“He seemed ta get along real well with Paul. What if I get Paul ta bring Roger over fer dinner tomorrow night?”
“Like…a rehearsal?”
“Be a chance ta see how Ken deals with a pair a fellas.”
Junior shook her head. “I still don’t see the point, Daddy. If he’s fine with it then you might as well have told him now, and if he goes off the deep end there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Make it a lot easier ta tell him, though. Fer me. I’d know what I’d be walkin into.”
“So what’s harder? Pretending Jack’s a woman for another night, or telling him without a trial run?”
“That’s one goddamned bitch of a tough call.”
“Daddy…it’s okay to admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“That you’re terrified to tell him and that you’re looking for any excuse to put it off.”
His brow furrowed. “Well, I am scared ta tell him. Don’t know that I’m lookin fer excuses, though.”
“Reasons, then. Rationalizations.”
Ennis stared at his shoes for a moment. “I’m only human, darlin.”
“I know, Daddy. And this is a hard thing, really hard.” She sighed. “What does Jack think?”
“Jack jus wants me ta have a brother again. I think…I think it’s hard on him knowin how things are between me n Francie on account a us. Like he’s tryin ta make up for it. He told me that whenever I wanted ta tell Ken the truth was jus fine with him.” He met her eyes briefly, then looked away again. “And…well…”
She got up and came around the counter to put a hand on Ennis’s arm. “What?”
He shrugged. “Feels nice. Real nice, ta have a brother again. I know I got Jack fer the rest a my life. Is it so awful that…well, I wanna keep havin a brother fer another day?” He looked down into his daughter’s understanding eyes.
She smiled. “No, Daddy. It isn’t awful.”
Ennis reached out and embraced her. “Yer a good girl, Junior. Thanks fer the talk.”
“My pleasure, Daddy. But…what are you gonna do?”
He sighed. “I’m gonna sleep on it.”
a "Brokeback Mountain" fanfiction by Mad Lori
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3 -- Chapter 4 -- Chapter 5 -- Chapter 6 -- Chapter 7 -- Chapter 8 -- Chapter 9 -- Chapter 10 -- Chapter 11 -- Chapter 12 -- Chapter 13 -- Chapter 14 -- Chapter 15 -- Chapter 16 -- Chapter 17 -- Chapter 18 -- Chapter 19 -- Chapter 20 -- Chapter 21 -- Chapter 22 -- Chapter 23 -- Chapter 24 -- Chapter 25 -- Chapter 26 -- Chapter 27 -- Chapter 28 -- Chapter 29 -- Chapter 30
Ennis changed into his pajamas (bottoms only), brushed his teeth and flossed, put his clothes into the hamper, straightened the bedding, climbed in and propped pillows behind his back. He drew the quilt up to his waist, arranged himself into a comfortable position, took a few calming breaths, picked up the phone, and dialed.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Jack.”
He heard Jack sigh. “Hey there, handsome. Been waitin on yer call.”
“Jus gettin in bed now.”
“So? How’d everything go? What’s yer brother like?”
“He’s…he’s all right. Seems to’ve mellowed out some since we was young.”
“Like you.”
“Guess so.”
“What’s he look like?”
“Uh…kinda like me, I guess. Little taller, little bigger. Lizzie said he looks a lot more’n two years older’n me.”
“You have been well preserved by clean livin and loud bitchin.”
Ennis chuckled. “Anyway, he seemed real impressed with the place, and the ranch. And he ain’t here fer a handout, that’s fer sure.”
“That’s a relief.”
“It surely is.” He sighed. “But Jack…” He trailed off.
“What?” Jack prodded, gently.
“I cain’t fuckin do this,” Ennis said, the words tumbling out. “I cain’t hide it. I mean, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad fer a few days, jus don’t talk about it, right? Well, it ain’t so easy as all that. He’s curious, askin questions about this wife I’m s’posed ta have and if I talk about ya I gotta act like yer a woman and it jus sounds so damned wrong every time. And he’s wonderin why I ain’t got no pictures a my wife and every time somethin ain’t true comes outta my mouth it’s just like diggin myself deeper n deeper into a big black hole.” He took a breath. “I don’t know if I can keep this up.”
There was silence for a moment. “You…act like I’m a woman?”
Ennis shifted in the bed. “Kinda.”
“And what’re you callin me, then?”
He flushed and played with the phone cord. “Aw, I don’t like ta say…”
“C’mon, Ennis.”
He shut his eyes. “Jackie.”
Another moment of silence, and then Jack burst into laughter. “Well, if ya gotta do it…”
“It ain’t funny, Jack! This is fuckin pullin my guts out!”
Jack stopped laughing. “Yer right, I’m sorry. It ain’t funny. Ennis, I didn’t want ya ta be upset. If you wanna tell him, then that’s yer call. I jus…” He heard Jack sigh. “I don’t want ya ta lose no more family cause a me.”
Ennis stared into space, thinking of Francie. “I know ya don’t, but Jack…ya know that whatever family I got starts with you, don’tcha? It ain’t right ta hide ya under the rug fer the sake a my brother, who I don’t even know no more, and if he’s gonna cut me off when he finds out then I guess I ain’t gonna know him anyhow.”
“Jus thought maybe waitin would give ya some better odds.”
“I know. But it’s…it ain’t right.”
“Hmm. Ta think I’ve lived ta see the day when Ennis Del Mar was fightin in favor a comin out while I’m the one tellin him ta stay in the closet.”
“I guess that’d be yer influence, then.”
“Sure hope so.” Ennis sighed. “Guess I’ll tell him tomorrow, then. Find a good moment.”
“If there can be a good moment fer such a thing. Listen, Ennis…I can make light, but ya don’t know what it means ta me that yer so anxious fer yer brother ta know the truth. That you ain’t ashamed no more.”
Ennis nodded. “I don’t rightly know how or when that happened. I can remember bein plenty ashamed, or at least careful. I guess…” He hesitated. “I guess I’m jus lookin around me and thinkin that if the life we got is somethin I oughta be ashamed of, then I don’t know what shame means no more.” There was silence on the other end; it stretched out long enough that Ennis wondered if Jack had gotten cut off. “Jack?”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“You okay, bud?”
“Yeah. Jus…that’s some shit ta warm my heart, darlin.”
Ennis smiled to himself. “I aim ta please.” He settled a little lower in bed, the most difficult part of the conversation past him. “How you doin today, bud?”
He heard Jack sigh. “Oh…I been better, ta tell the truth.”
“Yeah?”
“I, uh…talked ta Lureen on the phone earlier.”
“Ya did, huh?” Ennis knew what that meant. “You feelin low about Bobby?”
“Yeah.” He heard the weariness in Jack’s tone.
“Ya coulda called me, ya know,” he said.
“I didn’t like ta bug you none, with yer brother due there anytime. Anyhow, sometimes…and don’t take this wrong, but sometimes it’s like I jus gotta talk ta her.”
“Mmmm,” Ennis murmured. “Some sense ta that, I guess.”
“Anyways, it helped some. We had a chat and I felt better.”
Ennis grunted. “Ain’t it my job ta help ya with that?”
He heard Jack let out an exasperated sigh. “You cain’t do it all yerself, ya know. Jus knowin yer there and that ya care enough ta wanna do fer me is plenty help.”
“Guess so,” Ennis said. “Jus seems that if I was really helpin I’d be able ta jus say the right thing or do the right thing and make it all go away for ya.”
“Ain’t nobody can do that, not even a big strappin cowboy like you.”
“Shit,” Ennis said, embarrassed.
“What, you suggestin that you ain’t a big strappin cowboy?”
“You cut that out, now.”
Jack chuckled. “All right, I’ll leave ya be. You oughta be gettin some sleep, anyhow.”
“You ain’t my mother, now.”
“Well, I’m the next best thing, then. I’ll be talkin to ya tomorrow night, then?”
“Sure enough.”
“Ennis…I know yer probly real scared a tellin yer brother the truth, but if that’s what ya want, then don’t make a big production. Jus come right out with it, let the chips fall where they might. And if ya decide ya just cain’t do it, then that’s all right, too. Yer the one gotta face the consequences.” He hesitated. “Wish I was there with ya.”
“Well, if ya were, it’d probly make all this moot,” Ennis said. “Be hard ta pass ya off as my fishin buddy.”
“Like we ain’t never done that before.”
“Okay, bud. I’ll, uh…give you a call tomorrow, then. My best ta yer ma.”
“She sends her love. Good luck, now.”
“Be needin it. Night, Jack.”
The next morning, Ennis took a longer shower than he normally would have. He stood under the spray, playing the variations in his head. The thing is, Ken, that I don’t got no wife. I got a husband.
That’s kinda blunt and confrontational.
Okay, ya know how I said my wife’s name is Jackie? It ain’t, it’s just Jack, well actually it’s John, and he ain’t a woman. He’s a man, and technically he ain’t my wife, not really my husband either since it ain’t legal, but see here’s the ring he gave me, and…
Shit. Make it a little more confusin while yer at it.
So, Ken…how ya feel about queers? Don’t s’pose you were all traumatized by seein Earl’s body too, were ya? What if I told ya that I was one?
Jesus Christ, Ennis.
Want the truth, Ken? My younger daughter’s disowned me, the town bigots tried ta burn my house down, and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at suckin dick.
Ennis rubbed soap through his hair, shaking his head and marveling at the unplumbed depths of his ineptitude at this sort of thing.
I’ve told you some things that weren’t true, Ken, and I’m sorry for it. The truth is that I’m gay, and I don’t live here with my wife, I live here with my partner. His name’s Jack Twist. Lemme show you a picture a him, and tell you about how I met him.
Ennis paused, then reached out and shut off the water. That might do.
He toweled off and dressed, then went across the hall to knock on Ken’s door. It was opened almost at once; Ken was just buckling his belt but was otherwise fully dressed. “Mornin,” he said.
“Sleep okay?” Ennis asked.
“Real fine, thanks.”
“Well, let’s get some breakfast and we’ll head out.”
“Sounds good!” Ken said, smiling and clapping Ennis on the shoulder. They walked to the kitchen, Ennis waiting for some new question he’d have to answer with a lie. So, did you talk ta yer wife last night? Betcha miss her, huh? She’d normally be goin out with ya, huh? But none came. He didn’t think that his revelation was suitable for the breakfast table; it’d be better when they were alone, in the stables or the barn or out on the ranch.
Lizzie and Junior came up from the bungalow for breakfast. Ennis was mildly surprised when Ken stationed himself at the stove and cooked everyone’s eggs; after his offhand comments of the previous day, he’d half-expected him to sit at the table for the women to wait on him.
“So, what’s on deck fer today, then?” Ennis asked, gruffly.
“Well,” Lizzie said. “Paul’s coming out to have a look at that calf, and give the horses a once-over. “I’ve got to drive up to Burlington this afternoon to pick up that part for the yard tractor.”
“I’ve got two classes today, then a study group.”
“Will ya be home fer dinner, then?”
“Oh, yeah. I oughta be home by four.”
Ennis nodded. “Reckon I’ll fire up the barbecue and grill some steaks fer dinner. Shame not ta take advantage a this balmy weather we’re havin.”
Ken smiled. “Ya fancy yerself a grill master there, little brother?”
Ennis shrugged. “I do all right. Usually comes out edible, anyway.”
“Why’nt ya let me show ya how it’s done tonight?” he said, his tone teasing.
“Ooh, that sounds like a challenge, Daddy,” Junior said.
“Hell, if you wanna do all the work while I set round with a beer n watch, then that’s jus fine with me,” Ennis said.
Ennis watched out of the corner of his eye as his brother saddled up Clairie. It didn’t appear that Ken had forgotten any of his horsemanship; he swung himself into the saddle with one practiced heave. Ennis mounted up on Saskatoon and led the way out of the stable.
It was unseasonably warm at nearly fifty degrees. They’d lost all of their holiday snow, leaving behind muddy, brown grass and dispirited trees. The damp air and ground soaked up all noise until the far-off cry of a hawk was strident and startling.
Ennis held up his end of the neutral conversation about the new calves, their staff issues, the ups and downs of the beef market, and if the maple syrup really was as good as Ken had heard. Meanwhile, in his head, he was rehearsing what he might say, how he’d bring it up, when he should broach the subject, and trying to imagine how his brother might react so he could be ready for it.
What if he screamed and yelled and cursed him? What if he was disgusted and horrified? In some ways, that reaction would be the easiest thing to deal with. His visit would simply be over, he’d leave, they’d likely never speak again. If he was confused or surprised but not hostile, there would be many lengthy conversations in Ennis’s future about how long he’d known he was gay, how he’d met Jack, how their relationship had evolved, about Ennis’s family and their feelings on the matter…conversations that Ennis felt at least somewhat able to handle, but which would be a long slog over ground he’d covered to his own satisfaction and now would have to present to Ken in a way that he’d understand.
Ennis wondered how much of a chickenshit it made him that part of him hoped that Ken would just call him a filthy faggot and stalk off, so he didn’t have to spend the next few days explaining himself.
Jack wouldn’t think like that. Jack would be glad fer the chance ta show somebody new that we’re jus like normal folks, that we ain’t evil or perverted. Jack would love ta bring Ken inta the fold and chalk up another tally-mark fer one more person’s mind opened up. He’d know jus what ta say and what not ta say and in what order ta say it so’s Ken wouldn’t be spooked, and he’d know when ta back off and let Junior talk, or Lizzie, and he’d know when ta break out the family photos and when it was okay for him ta put his hand on my knee, real brief and subtle, jus ta show that it’s normal.
Yeah, but Jack ain’t here, dumbfuck. It’s all on you. And if you fuck it up yer gonna spend a lotta time wonderin how you coulda done better.
In his head, he’d selected a good spot. They’d ride past the home paddock, out to the river past Rory’s place, then back around the rear perimeter of the ranch up to the little picnic area by the creek. They could have a sit-down before lunch and Ennis could tell him the truth. That way, if Ken wanted to leave right off, at least he wouldn’t have far to go to the house.
You should just go there now. Screw ridin around fer another hour. Jus go there, sit him down and tell him the fuckin truth.
It was good advice, he knew. Well begun is half done, as Jack would say. No time like the present, he’d also say. Get off yer ass and get to it, he would no doubt finish up with. And if that didn’t work he’d just grab Ennis by the arm and drag him to whatever task he was trying to avoid.
I jus need a little time ta work up my nerve, get my head clear.
Sure, whatever.
“Whose place is this?” Ken was asking, looking up to the back of Rory’s barns as they crossed the little creek bridge.
“Our neighbor Rory. Dairyman. Nice fella, kinda accident-prone.”
“He make any a that Vermont cheese I keep hearin about?”
“Nope, jus grows the milk. Got us a real fine cheesemaker other side a town. I know she gets her milk fresh from Rory, though. Makes this aged cheddar stuff.”
“Is it good?”
“Fuck, yeah. Bites ya back and then melts away.” They passed the back field that Ennis still could hardly stand to look at. Every time he was here, it was like it happened again. He heard the shot, saw Jack fall, and felt everything inside him come loose and float away on a great big tidal wave of terror. Even now, years later, it was hard to think about it. What made it worse was the knowledge that he had a fifty percent chance of feeling that way again, except there’d be no living Jack on the other end of it, hopping mad and with a bullet scrape across his arm. There’d only be the reality of a dead Jack and the life he would have to live without him. He had times when he prayed that he’d go first, just so he wouldn’t have to go through that, but he couldn’t wish for that too hard, because it only meant that he’d be sentencing Jack to suffer the loss in his place.
“So, we gonna do any work today?” Ken asked, a smile crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Or jus ride around like sightseers?”
“Ain’t much ta do, truth be told. Not till this afternoon when the vet gets here. But I’ll tell ya what…let’s pick up the pace and head back. Got a little spot down by our creek I wanna show ya.”
“Wanna smoke?”
“Nah, I quit.”
Ken chuckled. “Since when?”
“Well…still kinda work in progress, I guess.”
“Betcha the wife put ya up ta that. I know Barbara was after me enough ta quit.”
Ennis said nothing. They were seated in two of the teak lounge chairs that sat around the stone campfire-circle down by the creek. Ken puffed on his cigarette in silence; the only sound for several minutes was the quiet burble of the creek going by, swollen with thaw waters, rafted with sticks and winter debris from the hills.
Jus do it. Get it over with. Do it now.
Ennis took a deep breath.
“Can I ask you somethin?” Ken said.
He released the breath and composed himself. “Sure.”
“You, uh…ever have trouble with…with drink?” The question was quiet, posed with mock nonchalance, Ken’s eyes staked firmly ahead.
Ennis cleared his throat. “Well, it ain’t always been my friend. I guess I had my days in the bottle.”
“Not no more, though?”
“No, not fer years. Have myself a beer or whisky sometimes. Get drunk with…well, get drunk from time ta time.”
“Bet yer one a them quiet, morose drunks, ain’tcha?” Ken said. He was going for a teasing, joking tone, but Ennis wasn’t fooled.
He shook his head. “No, I’m just kind of a sloppy drunk.”
Ken’s jaw clenched. “I’m doin the steps, Ennis.”
“Oh.”
“Fuckin drink was like a demon on my ass my whole damned life. Since the folks died.”
Ennis frowned. “You was drinkin back then?”
“Oh, shit yeah. Did my best ta hide it.”
“Well, ya did a pretty fuckin good job.”
“When I think a all the times I was drunk behind the wheel with you in the car, or your sister…gives me a bad turn. Coulda killed us all.”
“Didn’t, though.”
Ken shifted in his chair. “I know yer wonderin why I’m here. Like ya said last night, maybe jus lookin fer some family?”
Ennis nodded. “Only natural, ain’t it?”
Ken turned toward him and Ennis drew back, surprised to see his brother’s eyes misted over. “Yer all I got left, little brother. You and Merle.”
“That ain’t so. Ya got yer kids, and…”
“My kids don’t speak ta me. They don’t wanna have nothin ta do with me.” He was looking away again, down at his hands resting on his thighs. Ennis watched his profile.
“So…yer a drunk, then?” Ennis said. It sounded harsh, he knew, but he had the feeling that Ken needed to be harsh about this.
“I am,” Ken said, sounding hoarse. “Took me long years t’admit that. Cost me everythin I had. Job, marriage, kids, money, everythin.”
“You done…bad things? When yer drunk, then?”
“I hardly know what I done when I was drunk. It’s like I’m somebody else, some monster comes outta my skin and looks like me but ain’t me.” He sniffed and swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. “What kinda man lets that shit happen, Ennis?”
“Lotsa men get taken over by the bottle. You ain’t the first.” Ennis spoke carefully, feeling his way along. “You ever…hurt Barbara? Or the kids?”
Ken sat very still, his hands now clasped tight in his lap. “I never hit em, if that’s whatcha mean.”
“There’s other ways ta hurt.”
“Ain’t that the truth. I ain’t got no control over my temper or what I say when I’m in the bag, Ennis. And even if I never raised a hand ta my family, I did it ta plenty a other folks. Got inta bar fights, fights at work, fights with total strangers on the street. Did a couple short stints for assault.”
“Jesus, Ken.”
“Don’t know what I was always so fuckin mad about, anyhow.”
“Yeah, ya do. Same thing I was mad about fer a long time. Bout getting kicked out inta the world before you were cooked proper, havin ta fend fer yerself with no hope a escape.”
“Well, you found away.”
Ennis sighed. “I owe what I got now ta somebody else.”
“I don’t fuckin know how Barbara lasted as long as she did. Stayed with me fer the kids’ sake, when it’d probably a been better fer them ta be away from me. I weren’t no kinda father ta them.”
“Don’t try’n make it her fault fer not leavin,” Ennis said.
“I ain’t makin it no one’s fault but mine. That’s part a the steps, ya know. Facin what ya done, askin forgiveness, acceptin the consequences. Well, my kids ain’t forgivin me fer what I put their ma through, and them too. Barbara left me when they were grown and that’s when I hit bottom. Woke up in the hospital one day havin almost died a alcohol poisonin. Docs got me inta the program. Been two years sober now.”
Ennis stared at his own hands. It was easy to sit here and judge, but Ennis knew firsthand how it was when the bottle had you, when you lost control, when you couldn’t rein it in. He’d gotten into his share of fights, had raised his voice to his girls. Hell, he’d punched Jack when he was stone cold sober. If Jack hadn’t come when he had, if his life hadn’t changed how it had, he couldn’t say that he wouldn’t have gone that road himself. “It’s good yer sober now,” he said.
“I don’t know how ta make up fer what I put my family through. And I…I guess I’d understand if ya didn’t want no more ta do with me now.” Ken trailed off.
Ennis thought for a moment. “You done had some problems. I ain’t lived a saintly life myself. And it ain’t no use lookin back. If yer getting straight and tryin ta do right these days, guess the best I can do is wish ya luck.”
Ken said nothing. Ennis glanced at him and saw his chin tremble for just a moment, quick enough for Ennis to wonder if he’d imagined it, then he let out a breath and nodded. “Thanks, Ennis.” He sniffed, then chuckled ruefully. “Damn, musta been some kinda heaven-sent fate that I found ya here. Didn’t know how I’d missed havin a brother.”
Ennis tried to smile along and agree, but it was hard. Man’s lost his whole family. No wonder he was so fired up ta get us reacquainted. How can I tell him about me now, and take it all away so fast?
Shit.
Jack walked into Cedar Crest just before noon, feeling guilty that he was just now getting here. He hadn’t slept too well the night before. His mind kept turning over the conversation he’d had with Ennis, worrying about how his brother would react to the truth, feeling guilty that he wasn’t there to help him through this. As a consequence, he’d overslept and hadn’t had a chance to drop by before he had to meet with a realtor about finding a house for his parents.
As he crossed the lobby, Alma emerged from the elevator. “Hello, Jack,” she said, pleasantly enough.
“Howdy, Alma,” Jack said, stopping. “Guess you been to see Ma.”
“Brought her some potato salad. Expect you might be partakin,” she said, one eyebrow raised. It had already been established that Alma’s cooking agreed with Jack just fine.
“Well, I’ll see if I cain’t choke some down,” he said, smiling.
Alma regarded him for a moment; she seemed to be considering something. “I, uh…plan ta bring Grace around to my house tomorrow,” she said. “Fer dinner. She wants ta meet my boys, and Monroe’d like ta meet her, too.”
“Oh, that’s awful nice a you,” Jack said, touched. “I bet she cain’t remember the last time somebody cooked a meal for her.”
Alma nodded, then spoke rapidly. “Yer welcome ta come.”
Jack blinked. “You…yer invitin me ta yer house?”
“Why not?”
“Oh, I can think a one or two reasons.”
“Ain’t we grownups?”
“I hope so. But…I don’t want things ta be…ya know. Awkward.”
“A course,” Alma said, cocking one eyebrow. “Cause they ain’t been awkward before now.”
Jack chuckled. “I guess ya got me there. Well…I appreciate it, Alma, but…I wouldn’t want t’upset Francine.”
“Girl could use some upset,” Alma said, a slight edge coming to her voice. “I am sick and tired a bein a slave ta her delicate sensibilities.”
Jack blinked, surprised. “Well, all right, then. I’ll be glad ta join. I’ll jus bring Ma with me, then?”
“Sure enough. Six o’clock.”
“Lookin forward to it.”
Alma risked a quick glance into his face, then took her leave with a brisk nod. Jack watched her go, still assimilating what had just happened. Christ, Ennis ain’t gonna believe this.
Ennis stood by and brushed Clairie while Paul McGill examined Gretchen’s hooves, laughing and joking with Ken. He was paying very close attention, although you wouldn’t have known it to look at him. He was half-hoping that Paul might make an offhand reference to his partner, just so he could see Ken’s reaction.
“I gotta say, you’re a lot more outgoing than your brother here,” Paul was saying, pointing at Ennis with the hoofpick.
“Aw, he was always the quiet, moody type,” Ken said. “Always hadta drag his ass to the dinner table or anywhere else there was people. Rather be out in the fields all by hisself.”
“I guess he’s changed some, then,” Paul said. “He’s got a lot of friends now.”
“That so?” Ken turned to Ennis. “When’m I gonna meet some a these friends a yers, Ennis? Or maybe yer embarrassed a yer hick brother,” he said, laughing.
“Ain’t embarrassed.” I just cain’t take the chance they’re gonna out me ta you. “Sure we’ll be meetin some a them before too long.”
“Hey, Daddy,” Junior said, coming into the stable.
“Well hey, darlin. How’s that study group goin?”
She shrugged, going right to Gretchen. “Same as usual. Equal parts studyin and gossipin. You want me to cut up some potatoes for dinner? I could make up a salad, too.”
Ennis looked at his watch. The day was getting away from him; it was just past four. “Yeah, that’d be great. Guess I’ll be wantin ta start up the grill round five. Lizzie back yet?”
“Her car’s here. I guess she’s in the office.”
Ennis nodded. “Reckon I oughta go up and check in.”
“Think I’ll stick down here,” Ken said. “Nice bein around horses again. Sure have missed that.”
“Sure. Take yer time,” Ennis said. “Jus come on up ta the house whenever ya want.” He strode out of the stable towards the house. Junior fell into step next to him.
“You didn’t tell him, did you?” she said out of the corner of her mouth.
“Tell him what?”
She shot him a sidelong glance. “C’mon, Daddy. I know you. You hated tellin all them lies about Jack so you made up yer mind ta tell the truth, didn’t you? But you haven’t.”
Ennis sighed and held the door for her as they reached the house. “I don’t know what ta fuckin do, Junior. Uh…pardon my French.”
She sat down at the kitchen counter. “What’s wrong?”
Ennis leaned against the counter, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Well…he laid some stuff on me this mornin. We was sitting down at the picnic shore and I swear I was openin my mouth ta tell him when he starts talkin bout how he’s an alcoholic.”
“Oh,” Junior said, sagging a little.
“Sounds like he’s really been through the wringer. Cost him his wife, and his kids don’t speak ta him, and the poor guy’s damn near alone in the world. He’s tryin ta rebuild his life and then he comes across me, and I think he’s reachin out ta me cause he’s been feelin so cut off.”
“Oh, Daddy.”
“Ya see my problem.”
“Well…”
“That coulda been me, ya know. If it weren’t fer Jack it probly woulda been. And I know what it’s like ta have a child not speakin ta you.” He paused for a moment, then cleared his throat and went on. “I guess I wanna help him. And if I tell him…well, maybe that’d be one more family member he’d lose.”
“If you were lost to him that wouldn’t be on you, it’d be on him.”
“Don’t matter.”
“You don’t know that he’d cut you off if he knew.”
“I don’t know, no. But I got a feelin. It’s more’n likely he wouldn’t wanna have no more ta do with me.”
“So you’re gonna deny who you are, and pretend Jack isn’t who he is, so that if Ken’s a close-minded bigot he won’t be troubled? Because you want to help him?”
Ennis shrank a little. “Sounds different when ya put it like that.”
“Daddy…if he’s the kinda man who’d disown you because you’re gay then he doesn’t deserve your help and support. And if he isn’t, then it won’t matter and you can tell the truth and still be his brother.”
Ennis rubbed a hand over his face. “Christ, I don’t know what ta do. I know yer right, darlin, but…ain’t so easy when I’m lookin him in the face.”
Junior was nodding. “I know what it is. You’ve got residual shame and you still don’t think you deserve equal treatment, so you’re subjugating your identity for the comfort of others.”
Ennis stared at her. “Damn, what they teachin you at that college?”
She spread her hands. “Political Science 135. Civil rights and social change.”
“Well, whatever that meant, yer probly right.” He scratched his chin. “Ya know, there’s a way maybe I could suss out how he’s gonna react.”
“What’s that?”
“He seemed ta get along real well with Paul. What if I get Paul ta bring Roger over fer dinner tomorrow night?”
“Like…a rehearsal?”
“Be a chance ta see how Ken deals with a pair a fellas.”
Junior shook her head. “I still don’t see the point, Daddy. If he’s fine with it then you might as well have told him now, and if he goes off the deep end there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“Make it a lot easier ta tell him, though. Fer me. I’d know what I’d be walkin into.”
“So what’s harder? Pretending Jack’s a woman for another night, or telling him without a trial run?”
“That’s one goddamned bitch of a tough call.”
“Daddy…it’s okay to admit it.”
“Admit what?”
“That you’re terrified to tell him and that you’re looking for any excuse to put it off.”
His brow furrowed. “Well, I am scared ta tell him. Don’t know that I’m lookin fer excuses, though.”
“Reasons, then. Rationalizations.”
Ennis stared at his shoes for a moment. “I’m only human, darlin.”
“I know, Daddy. And this is a hard thing, really hard.” She sighed. “What does Jack think?”
“Jack jus wants me ta have a brother again. I think…I think it’s hard on him knowin how things are between me n Francie on account a us. Like he’s tryin ta make up for it. He told me that whenever I wanted ta tell Ken the truth was jus fine with him.” He met her eyes briefly, then looked away again. “And…well…”
She got up and came around the counter to put a hand on Ennis’s arm. “What?”
He shrugged. “Feels nice. Real nice, ta have a brother again. I know I got Jack fer the rest a my life. Is it so awful that…well, I wanna keep havin a brother fer another day?” He looked down into his daughter’s understanding eyes.
She smiled. “No, Daddy. It isn’t awful.”
Ennis reached out and embraced her. “Yer a good girl, Junior. Thanks fer the talk.”
“My pleasure, Daddy. But…what are you gonna do?”
He sighed. “I’m gonna sleep on it.”