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Daily Entry for you #2
I seem to find it very hard to just function normally. Today I did not have a difficult schedule or any big projects, but I still managed to sleep through my psychologist appointment and my first two classes. I wish I could say that I wish I could bring my life under control, but the truth is that when my life is under control I get bored and very ( Read more... ) -
So...Daily Entry for you #1
I'm sitting here in the gulf between intention in action, the whole world holding its breath. Or is that just me? That subtle push and pull, not wanting to give away too much, but wanting so much to just sweep away all the bullshit already. Is it worth it? Who the hell knows. It makes very little difference. Anyone who knows me knows I'll push ( Read more... ) -
Well...
I've done it. I've broken it off. I wish I could feel like it was anything other than a Pyrrhic victory. I know that I had to do what was right for me, but I also know that no matter what I say, I'm lying to myself, and to anyone I'm talking to. I'll still be keeping one eye open for him, always. I'm going to try like hell not to, but I always ( Read more... ) -
Silence
Continual and utter silence. Silence filled only with the sound of my brain ticking away, inventing dozens of reasons for and scenarios leading to the silence, each more depressing and less likely than the last. My heart feels like it's swelled, like I've got some sort of sickness that causes me to feel so fragile, so frail. I'm so afraid inside, ( Read more... ) -
I hate fighting
My lover and I have spent all of last night and all of this morning fighting, and I don't think I can get much more discouraged. After a while, we're just going around in circles getting hopelessly tangled up. It gets to the point where I don't know why we're fighting any more. I'm upset and he knows it and he even agrees that I have a good reason ( Read more... ) -
Memory
I wish I could understand why I am the way that I am. People always make very nice zen speeches about how there is only today, how you have to live in the moment, but I think that's because they've never had to live with no other choice. I do. Without something to jog my memory, something strong, I literally cannot remember the things in my past. ( Read more... ) -
Decisions, decisions...
Why is this all so complicated? It's supposed to be straightforward: I love you, you love me, end of story. But add 2,000 miles of distance and instead it turns into how can you love me but have sex with someone else? How can you love me but disappear for days at a time with no warning? How can I believe that you miss me? Why do you bother? Why do ( Read more... ) -
Journaling
Wow, it's been awhile since I wrote anything. One of the problems of hanging in the limbo of cyberspace trying to reach out for real human face to face contact is that you use up a lot of your eloquence trying to persuade people to share their time. Also, the long-distance relationship I've (unwittingly) found myself in also drains me of my furor ( Read more... ) -
Lovely lovely lovely
I want to capture this feeling, to store it away for later, when things get complicated and difficult and I feel hopeless again, so I'll try to pin it down with words. Despite the fact that I know that the path that I've chosen will be difficult at times, it's my choice and I can't imagine making other. When I start to worry that these things will ( Read more... )