Memory
I wish I could understand why I am the way that I am. People always make very nice zen speeches about how there is only today, how you have to live in the moment, but I think that's because they've never had to live with no other choice. I do. Without something to jog my memory, something strong, I literally cannot remember the things in my past. I know that they happened, but it's a bit like a story I heard from someone else or something that I read somewhere. There is none of the immediacy of it actually being MY memory. This is what makes it so hard for me to maintain friendships, because who want's a friend who needs constant reassurance of their place in your life? It also affects my relationships. It's not so bad when my lover is face to face with me, or even on the phone, because then there is the constant, concrete reminder. But when one is living vicariously through a few notes, a few pictures, a few fragments of conversation... the need for affirmation becomes unbearable, not to mention unreasonable. What can I do? But here's my lover, to the rescue! Of course he would have just the concrete reminder that I needed in his magic bag of tricks! And then he has the audacity to wonder why I love him! Though it's a fair enough point when I can't remember him... I wish I could share with him the lovely simple warmth that flows through my body when I talk to him on the phone, or when I read one of his wonderful poetic messages, or when we have the rare but lovely IM conversation where our minds and hearts are in sync. I wish I didn't feel the need to air every feeling of resentment and abandonment with him, that I could just dismiss them without their festering. I also wish that I could express how happy he makes me as well as I manage to express the pain he occasionally causes me. I wish I could find the words to tell him that the pain in person is a drop in an ocean of happiness. Over this distance, the pain is much larger, but it is still far far far outweighed by the joy he brings me. Either way, I'm tired and it's bedtime.