Diary of the Last TARDIS, part III
Peddling yet more crack. Previous parts are here. Dedicated to selenak, without whom I would have nobody to blame for this.
Entry 1: New diary. Must write up everything that’s happened since last entry. Believe I ended with “Who the hell is that?” Turns out Miss The Hell was one Donna Noble, unlucky near-bride with a bad case of huon poisoning. Was forced to play taxicab in attempt to get her to church on time, but huons played hell with systems. Got in actual car chase--new experience, not one I’d care to repeat. Plus found self at beck and call of huon energy. Very undignified. Anyway, Empress of Racnoss turned up, usual world-destroying ensued, Doctor went medieval on Racnoss and committed genocide (again), Thames got drained, and Donna refused to book passage. Good. Was getting on nerves. Thank Rassilon will never see her again!
Entry 2: Doctor still emo over Rose. I miss her, too, but enough! Need to get back into swing of things. Doctor making ridiculous statements about not taking any more companions, going all Lone Wolf, blah-de-blah. As if! Have twigged onto strange energy patterns. Am hoping it distracts Emo Doc.
Entry 3: Finally! Doctor and entire hospital got kidnapped to moon by Judoon, Doctor saved day with help of nice girl named Martha and then crossed own timeline to impress her. Martha now on board for “just one trip.” He may think so, but I like having new girl on board. She’ll stay, just you watch. Besides, Miss Martha Jones has rather nice backside. Potential for rebound? She seems to be eyeing Doctor in particularly favorable way. Doctor now going on about Rose and how new girl’s not replacing her, etc. Wish I had eyes to roll. Way to make an impression!
Entry 4: So, went to see Shakespeare, ran into Carrionite witches. Also seems to have upset Queen Elizabeth I. Perfect. Now just need to visit Bloody Mary and Elizabeth II and will have whole set of angry British female rulers. Doctor dithering about taking Martha back home. I love it when I’m right.
Entry 5: Right, so, Doctor decided no trip in TARDIS would be complete without jaunt into future, so have gone back to New Earth, which Martha has correctly pegged as “rebound”--smart girl! Something’s amiss here. Ooh, Martha’s getting snatched! Bad form! That’s my Martha--you can’t have her! Doctor giving chase. This might be good.
Entry 6: Word on Face of Boe--last words were “You are not alone.” Hmph. Enigmatic much? Martha sat Doctor down and forced him to talk Gallifrey. Am liking girl more and more. Unfortunately, think she may be developing unrequited crush on Doctor, who is not yet finished with emo. *Sigh* Rose would so kick his ass if she could see him.
Entry 7: Now Doctor has made some excuse about side trip to Depression-era New York under pretext that it’s all “one trip”, technically, until he takes her home again. Oh, he’d be annoying if he weren’t so transparent! He likes having companion again, even if he is utterly oblivious to said companion’s charms. Lovely skin Martha has, and her cleavage is work of art. One would think he’d notice, with their respective heights. Sometimes wish he weren’t such gentleman. Doctor and Martha are off now, so might as well check on World of Warcraft.
Entry 8: If had head, it would hurt by now. Daleks--Cult of Skaro, to be precise--made another appearance, breeding Dalek/human hybrids, which Doctor somehow got mixed around with Gallifreyan DNA (and if he’s that desperate to reproduce, might I suggest the old-fashioned way?), but all are dead now save for one Dalek. Martha questioning Doctor about semi-suicidal behavior. Honey, he would need an entire battalion of psychologists to work out his Issues!
Entry 9: Poop! Doctor really taking Martha home this time. Twit! Think his heart not in it, though . . . and there we are! Just the pretext Doctor needs to go back in three, two, one--formalwear! And, of course, he can’t ditch the bloody Chucks even while sporting tuxedo. Martha, at least, resplendent in deep purple cocktail dress. Surprising she’ll be seen with him.
Entry 10: Cheating ass just set me back in WoW! I’ll show him. Ah, Martha and Doctor are back! Still looking lovely in formalwear, though I gather something went wrong with formal event. Want to know just how surprised I am? Martha snickering about mum smacking Doctor now. Why can’t I ever witness these precious moments?
--on second thought, might have to find some way to smack Doctor myself. He’s offering her another one-nighter when she wants relationship. That’s right, Martha--don’t let him get away with it! Oh, what do you know? It worked. Martha now semi-permanent resident. Good! Doctor can be taught. Speaking of teaching, need to teach cheating ass lesson in fair play. Or at least how to cheat better. Back later.
Entry 11: Having flashbacks to Krop Tor. Landed on some sort of industrial structure having difficulty, imminent danger, Doctor and companion separated from me, the usual. We appear to be falling toward sun. Well. That sucks. On better note, Doctor gave Martha’s mobile jiggery-pokery treatment. Bodes well. Have also exacted vengeance upon cheating ass in WoW, which boosts mood.
Entry 12: What is Doctor emo about now? Day has been saved, losses could have been worse, Martha now in possession of key, yet Doctor still emo. Annoying, that.
Entry 13: We’re having quite the time here. Doctor and Martha getting chased by hunters, so Doctor’s genius plan is to make self human via Chameleon Arch. Never pleasant prospect. Landed us in 1913, which will be none too pleasant for Martha, but best bet for letting her keep eye on him without worrying about matters of dubious consent. Note to self: next trip will be to matriarchal planet where Doctor must walk three steps behind Martha at all times.
Unfortunately, Doctor being Doctor has managed to bugger things up royally by falling in love in human guise. Martha moping. Wish I could tell her he’s not worth it. Martha currently pouring tea down throat and bitching about Doctor, to which I can only say, “Honey, you don’t know the half of it!” Wish I could tell her stories of other harebrained schemes of his. Not to mention entire harebrained incarnations! Which this one might prove to be before all is said and done.
Entry 14: Hiding over, Doctor back, has inflicted epic punishments upon Family of Blood. Haven’t seen him in this foul of mood since sixth incarnation. Note to all future adversaries of Doctor: do not dangle happy human life in front of Doctor only to snatch it away again. It annoys him proper.
Speaking of, have found perfect matriarchal planet. Doctor will not be allowed to speak unless given permission by female companion, i.e. Martha. Must also make her tea and bring her shoes. Excellent!
Entry 15: Oh, for . . . just when I think all possible indignities have been visited upon me, I get nicked by a bunch of statues! Martha and Doctor stuck in 1960s while nice little time loop plays out. Find these things tiresome. Sally Sparrow seems nice, though, and hello, hottie cop! Too bad he’ll get stuck in past. Gyeah, angels creepy!
Entry 16: Have fetched Doctor and Martha, thanks to Sparrow & Nightingale, and Martha is telling interesting story about having to support Doctor via job in shop while he messed around with electronics. Isn’t that just like him? Headed to Cardiff for pit stop. On side note, am totally kicking ass at WoW.
. . . and do my sensors deceive me, or is that my Captain Jack? Captain Jack! Granted, the “fixed point” thing is a bit creepy, but who cares? It’s our Captain Jack! Doctor! Cut that out! We’re not leaving without him. Ah, good! He won’t be left behind this time. Not my lovely Jack! Let’s celebrate! Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters at Milliway’s, anybody? Off to the end of the universe!
Entry 17: Oh, crap. Missed target. I blame years of crappy piloting. Romana, now--there was someone who knew how to fly a TARDIS. Jack temporarily dead again, Doctor doing a good impression of total SOB, Martha doing good impression of doctor. And there’s Jack, from dead to flirting in less than a minute. How I love him! How have we gotten along without you all this time, sweet Captain? Doctor still being bastard and not explaining. “I was busy”?!? Martha, honey, hook up with Jack. He may screw you, but only in the best way.
Entry 18: Have been taken in by pseudo-military types after some poking at by cut-rate Reavers. Something’s a little odd here. Doctor has made new friend who ain’t quite right. Hm. Near as I can tell, they’re sending last survivors of the human race off to some promised utopia. These things never turn out well.
Oh, hello--Doctor and Jack finally having heart-to-heart. Jack’s in radiation-filled room on dangerous mission with Doctor on other side of thick door. Males! But at least they’re talking, and oh, no, he didn’t! I did not try to shake Jack off! I just wanted to take everyone for cocktails at the best bar in the universe, that’s all. Get him, projecting his own prejudices onto me. Why do I put up with him again? Oh, yeah, because he’s the last of the--
--waitaminute.
Entry 19: Great. Just perfect. Turns out there is one other Time Lord left, and guess who’s coming to dinner? The Master! Yes, that Master. Who currently has his grubby hands all over my console. Of all the Gallifreyans to survive . . .
Why? Why him? The most psychotic Time Lord in the history of time, for the Other’s sake! Is this fair? No! Why not Romana? Why not Susan? Why not the Overseer, or the Teacher, or the Slacker, or the Belcher of Poetry, or the bloody Performance Artist? On second thought, scratch that last one--he was too annoying to live in the first place. I mean, Time Lords are supposed to be pretentious, but there’s such a thing as taking it too far.
HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS, YOU WALKING PERSONALITY DISORDER!
Entry 20: Am too old for this shit. Have been given appalling makeover by Master and am now a Paradox Engine. No prizes for guessing how badly this will turn out. Master has given self makeover as politician, which, hey, kinda apropos. Has also picked up Hitchcock blonde for arm candy/political wife. Took her to end of universe, which seems to have made her brainpan spring a leak. Am to be deployed to hold paradox in place while Master does the usual “take over the world” bit. On bright side:
--Master has ditched goatee
--appears to have read up on Evil Overlord Rules at some point and is thus slightly less annoying
--possible survival of another TARDIS, if Master still alive, which means I might conceivably Get Some before Doctor runs out of incarnations
On downside, access to WoW has been cut off. Am deadly bored.
Entry 21: Lovely. Doctor and friends found me, only to realize that messing with me before paradox goes into action problematic on a galactic scale. Friends taken into custody along with Martha’s family, and now paradox is in action, bringing the Master’s insane little buddies through a rift in time. Feeling very depressed now.
Entry 22: Depressed and bored. Have taken to messing with temperature controls in Master’s bath. Noises he makes are only fun in my life. Toclafane highly irritating, too.
Entry 23: Same as yesterday.
Entry 24-300: See Entry 23.
Entry 300: Finally! Sweet Martha returned, managed to pull off Doctor’s loony plan. My darling Captain Jack broke the paradox, turning back time. Am now in process of cleaning self up so as to be presentable to Family Jones. Have also made triumphant return to WoW. Cheating ass seriously done for.
Entry 301: First, the good news: Martha’s family has been returned home, and we’re taking Jack back to Cardiff--but not before he shags Martha rotten. She deserves it, the dear. Also, Doctor completely open to idea of Jack traveling with us. Finally getting some sense, that one, but unfortunately not enough to join Jack and Martha for a little rest and a lot of relaxation.
Bad news: Doctor more emo than ever thanks to Master’s death at hands of Hitchcock blonde. I’d swear he likes it. First he goes all droopy because of Rose. Now it’s his favorite psycho ex-boyfriend. Insisted on funeral pyre, which might be the only sensible idea he’s had in the last year (or two). Not that I put a great deal of stock in the idea that the Master’s gone for good. He’s harder to knock down than a Weeble-wobble.
Entry 302: Crap. Jack gone back to dysfunctional Torchwood family, Martha to slightly-more-functional Jones family. Yes, she left. Has to take care of traumatized relations and get over ill-advised crush on Doctor. Not that I blame her, but Doctor gets so weird when he’s alone. Plus, I’m tired. Need a holiday. Say, maybe a cruise . . .
Entry 1: New diary. Must write up everything that’s happened since last entry. Believe I ended with “Who the hell is that?” Turns out Miss The Hell was one Donna Noble, unlucky near-bride with a bad case of huon poisoning. Was forced to play taxicab in attempt to get her to church on time, but huons played hell with systems. Got in actual car chase--new experience, not one I’d care to repeat. Plus found self at beck and call of huon energy. Very undignified. Anyway, Empress of Racnoss turned up, usual world-destroying ensued, Doctor went medieval on Racnoss and committed genocide (again), Thames got drained, and Donna refused to book passage. Good. Was getting on nerves. Thank Rassilon will never see her again!
Entry 2: Doctor still emo over Rose. I miss her, too, but enough! Need to get back into swing of things. Doctor making ridiculous statements about not taking any more companions, going all Lone Wolf, blah-de-blah. As if! Have twigged onto strange energy patterns. Am hoping it distracts Emo Doc.
Entry 3: Finally! Doctor and entire hospital got kidnapped to moon by Judoon, Doctor saved day with help of nice girl named Martha and then crossed own timeline to impress her. Martha now on board for “just one trip.” He may think so, but I like having new girl on board. She’ll stay, just you watch. Besides, Miss Martha Jones has rather nice backside. Potential for rebound? She seems to be eyeing Doctor in particularly favorable way. Doctor now going on about Rose and how new girl’s not replacing her, etc. Wish I had eyes to roll. Way to make an impression!
Entry 4: So, went to see Shakespeare, ran into Carrionite witches. Also seems to have upset Queen Elizabeth I. Perfect. Now just need to visit Bloody Mary and Elizabeth II and will have whole set of angry British female rulers. Doctor dithering about taking Martha back home. I love it when I’m right.
Entry 5: Right, so, Doctor decided no trip in TARDIS would be complete without jaunt into future, so have gone back to New Earth, which Martha has correctly pegged as “rebound”--smart girl! Something’s amiss here. Ooh, Martha’s getting snatched! Bad form! That’s my Martha--you can’t have her! Doctor giving chase. This might be good.
Entry 6: Word on Face of Boe--last words were “You are not alone.” Hmph. Enigmatic much? Martha sat Doctor down and forced him to talk Gallifrey. Am liking girl more and more. Unfortunately, think she may be developing unrequited crush on Doctor, who is not yet finished with emo. *Sigh* Rose would so kick his ass if she could see him.
Entry 7: Now Doctor has made some excuse about side trip to Depression-era New York under pretext that it’s all “one trip”, technically, until he takes her home again. Oh, he’d be annoying if he weren’t so transparent! He likes having companion again, even if he is utterly oblivious to said companion’s charms. Lovely skin Martha has, and her cleavage is work of art. One would think he’d notice, with their respective heights. Sometimes wish he weren’t such gentleman. Doctor and Martha are off now, so might as well check on World of Warcraft.
Entry 8: If had head, it would hurt by now. Daleks--Cult of Skaro, to be precise--made another appearance, breeding Dalek/human hybrids, which Doctor somehow got mixed around with Gallifreyan DNA (and if he’s that desperate to reproduce, might I suggest the old-fashioned way?), but all are dead now save for one Dalek. Martha questioning Doctor about semi-suicidal behavior. Honey, he would need an entire battalion of psychologists to work out his Issues!
Entry 9: Poop! Doctor really taking Martha home this time. Twit! Think his heart not in it, though . . . and there we are! Just the pretext Doctor needs to go back in three, two, one--formalwear! And, of course, he can’t ditch the bloody Chucks even while sporting tuxedo. Martha, at least, resplendent in deep purple cocktail dress. Surprising she’ll be seen with him.
Entry 10: Cheating ass just set me back in WoW! I’ll show him. Ah, Martha and Doctor are back! Still looking lovely in formalwear, though I gather something went wrong with formal event. Want to know just how surprised I am? Martha snickering about mum smacking Doctor now. Why can’t I ever witness these precious moments?
--on second thought, might have to find some way to smack Doctor myself. He’s offering her another one-nighter when she wants relationship. That’s right, Martha--don’t let him get away with it! Oh, what do you know? It worked. Martha now semi-permanent resident. Good! Doctor can be taught. Speaking of teaching, need to teach cheating ass lesson in fair play. Or at least how to cheat better. Back later.
Entry 11: Having flashbacks to Krop Tor. Landed on some sort of industrial structure having difficulty, imminent danger, Doctor and companion separated from me, the usual. We appear to be falling toward sun. Well. That sucks. On better note, Doctor gave Martha’s mobile jiggery-pokery treatment. Bodes well. Have also exacted vengeance upon cheating ass in WoW, which boosts mood.
Entry 12: What is Doctor emo about now? Day has been saved, losses could have been worse, Martha now in possession of key, yet Doctor still emo. Annoying, that.
Entry 13: We’re having quite the time here. Doctor and Martha getting chased by hunters, so Doctor’s genius plan is to make self human via Chameleon Arch. Never pleasant prospect. Landed us in 1913, which will be none too pleasant for Martha, but best bet for letting her keep eye on him without worrying about matters of dubious consent. Note to self: next trip will be to matriarchal planet where Doctor must walk three steps behind Martha at all times.
Unfortunately, Doctor being Doctor has managed to bugger things up royally by falling in love in human guise. Martha moping. Wish I could tell her he’s not worth it. Martha currently pouring tea down throat and bitching about Doctor, to which I can only say, “Honey, you don’t know the half of it!” Wish I could tell her stories of other harebrained schemes of his. Not to mention entire harebrained incarnations! Which this one might prove to be before all is said and done.
Entry 14: Hiding over, Doctor back, has inflicted epic punishments upon Family of Blood. Haven’t seen him in this foul of mood since sixth incarnation. Note to all future adversaries of Doctor: do not dangle happy human life in front of Doctor only to snatch it away again. It annoys him proper.
Speaking of, have found perfect matriarchal planet. Doctor will not be allowed to speak unless given permission by female companion, i.e. Martha. Must also make her tea and bring her shoes. Excellent!
Entry 15: Oh, for . . . just when I think all possible indignities have been visited upon me, I get nicked by a bunch of statues! Martha and Doctor stuck in 1960s while nice little time loop plays out. Find these things tiresome. Sally Sparrow seems nice, though, and hello, hottie cop! Too bad he’ll get stuck in past. Gyeah, angels creepy!
Entry 16: Have fetched Doctor and Martha, thanks to Sparrow & Nightingale, and Martha is telling interesting story about having to support Doctor via job in shop while he messed around with electronics. Isn’t that just like him? Headed to Cardiff for pit stop. On side note, am totally kicking ass at WoW.
. . . and do my sensors deceive me, or is that my Captain Jack? Captain Jack! Granted, the “fixed point” thing is a bit creepy, but who cares? It’s our Captain Jack! Doctor! Cut that out! We’re not leaving without him. Ah, good! He won’t be left behind this time. Not my lovely Jack! Let’s celebrate! Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters at Milliway’s, anybody? Off to the end of the universe!
Entry 17: Oh, crap. Missed target. I blame years of crappy piloting. Romana, now--there was someone who knew how to fly a TARDIS. Jack temporarily dead again, Doctor doing a good impression of total SOB, Martha doing good impression of doctor. And there’s Jack, from dead to flirting in less than a minute. How I love him! How have we gotten along without you all this time, sweet Captain? Doctor still being bastard and not explaining. “I was busy”?!? Martha, honey, hook up with Jack. He may screw you, but only in the best way.
Entry 18: Have been taken in by pseudo-military types after some poking at by cut-rate Reavers. Something’s a little odd here. Doctor has made new friend who ain’t quite right. Hm. Near as I can tell, they’re sending last survivors of the human race off to some promised utopia. These things never turn out well.
Oh, hello--Doctor and Jack finally having heart-to-heart. Jack’s in radiation-filled room on dangerous mission with Doctor on other side of thick door. Males! But at least they’re talking, and oh, no, he didn’t! I did not try to shake Jack off! I just wanted to take everyone for cocktails at the best bar in the universe, that’s all. Get him, projecting his own prejudices onto me. Why do I put up with him again? Oh, yeah, because he’s the last of the--
--waitaminute.
Entry 19: Great. Just perfect. Turns out there is one other Time Lord left, and guess who’s coming to dinner? The Master! Yes, that Master. Who currently has his grubby hands all over my console. Of all the Gallifreyans to survive . . .
Why? Why him? The most psychotic Time Lord in the history of time, for the Other’s sake! Is this fair? No! Why not Romana? Why not Susan? Why not the Overseer, or the Teacher, or the Slacker, or the Belcher of Poetry, or the bloody Performance Artist? On second thought, scratch that last one--he was too annoying to live in the first place. I mean, Time Lords are supposed to be pretentious, but there’s such a thing as taking it too far.
HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS, YOU WALKING PERSONALITY DISORDER!
Entry 20: Am too old for this shit. Have been given appalling makeover by Master and am now a Paradox Engine. No prizes for guessing how badly this will turn out. Master has given self makeover as politician, which, hey, kinda apropos. Has also picked up Hitchcock blonde for arm candy/political wife. Took her to end of universe, which seems to have made her brainpan spring a leak. Am to be deployed to hold paradox in place while Master does the usual “take over the world” bit. On bright side:
--Master has ditched goatee
--appears to have read up on Evil Overlord Rules at some point and is thus slightly less annoying
--possible survival of another TARDIS, if Master still alive, which means I might conceivably Get Some before Doctor runs out of incarnations
On downside, access to WoW has been cut off. Am deadly bored.
Entry 21: Lovely. Doctor and friends found me, only to realize that messing with me before paradox goes into action problematic on a galactic scale. Friends taken into custody along with Martha’s family, and now paradox is in action, bringing the Master’s insane little buddies through a rift in time. Feeling very depressed now.
Entry 22: Depressed and bored. Have taken to messing with temperature controls in Master’s bath. Noises he makes are only fun in my life. Toclafane highly irritating, too.
Entry 23: Same as yesterday.
Entry 24-300: See Entry 23.
Entry 300: Finally! Sweet Martha returned, managed to pull off Doctor’s loony plan. My darling Captain Jack broke the paradox, turning back time. Am now in process of cleaning self up so as to be presentable to Family Jones. Have also made triumphant return to WoW. Cheating ass seriously done for.
Entry 301: First, the good news: Martha’s family has been returned home, and we’re taking Jack back to Cardiff--but not before he shags Martha rotten. She deserves it, the dear. Also, Doctor completely open to idea of Jack traveling with us. Finally getting some sense, that one, but unfortunately not enough to join Jack and Martha for a little rest and a lot of relaxation.
Bad news: Doctor more emo than ever thanks to Master’s death at hands of Hitchcock blonde. I’d swear he likes it. First he goes all droopy because of Rose. Now it’s his favorite psycho ex-boyfriend. Insisted on funeral pyre, which might be the only sensible idea he’s had in the last year (or two). Not that I put a great deal of stock in the idea that the Master’s gone for good. He’s harder to knock down than a Weeble-wobble.
Entry 302: Crap. Jack gone back to dysfunctional Torchwood family, Martha to slightly-more-functional Jones family. Yes, she left. Has to take care of traumatized relations and get over ill-advised crush on Doctor. Not that I blame her, but Doctor gets so weird when he’s alone. Plus, I’m tired. Need a holiday. Say, maybe a cruise . . .