“It’s O.K., love. It was an accident.” Barbossa whispered into Jack’s ear. Part 1/2
TITLE: Blessed Curse
CULPRIT: Yamirenamon
MAJOR, MAJOR WARNING! Jack/Barbossa mpreg. You heard me. Leading to Davy/Jack non-con tentacle sex. Which ought to make further warnings redundant, but I’m rating this one NC-170 because really, in a perfect world, no-one should be reading shit like this. The offences against English syntax and canon characterisation are in fact worse than the foetal tentacle rape threesome.
SUMMARY (mine, because the author didn't write one): Due to an accidental shortage of rum, Jack takes up sex with Barbossa, which becomes nauseatingly affectionate. Understandably, he throws up a lot. Tia Dalma and her mystic crystal diagnose mpreg. (It’s a girl.) The crew are freaked or cool depending which paragraph they’re in. Will is totally freaked rigid. Davy Jones turns up and kidnaps Jack for evil tentacle rape. Norrington appears. Barbossa makes everything better (except Norrington, who dies, but we’re used to that now). Birth. Happy End. Snuggles.
If you've only got time or stamina for one scene, go straight to the next post and chapter 5 for the mid-battle maternity dress fitting. A unique moment in combat/fashion fanfiction.
BEST LINE: Weeks passed since Jack had been separated from his love. His undesired diet and unsatisfied cravings continued to irritate his stomach. Though that was nothing compared to being raped constantly by the captain of the Flying Dutchman.
THE VERDICT
NAME: Jack Sparrow or, if Barbossa’s feeling especially tender, just “Sparrow”
HAIR: dark, presumed canon
EYES: dark, wide, usually gushing with tears
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: pregnant belly, constant puking, general helplessness
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: the undying adoration of Hector Barbossa, also a “maternal dress”
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: none
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS: Hector Barbossa’s lover. Nothing wrong with that-I’ve written loads of it. But here’s the implausible bit: they trust and cherish one another and make sure to keep as safe as possible, especially during sea battles.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: can haz babies
TRAGIC PAST: nope. It’s his present I’m worried about
THE "PLOT": alternate lovey-dovey snuggles and brutal sex torture, relieved by fashion moments.
EXCERPT :
“I don’t think you should be having this right now,” Barbossa said, taking the weapon out of Jack’s hand.
“Well if you don’t like it then you can do the shopping yourself,” Elizabeth said.
“Fine,” Jack said stiffly as he took the dress.
NOTE: I would like to hug the first person who reviewed this on fanfiction.net. She/he is a model of tact and restraint. "The term 'OK' in this story kind of irks me" (meaning, presumably, "makes me want to tear my eyes from their sockets and dynamite my monitor") is just beautiful!
Chapter 1. Love?
“Ah! P-Please! Faster!” a voice whined in the steaming hot cabin. The one with the built-in sauna. It was hard, What was hard? but Jack was still trying not to be heard by the rest of the crew. Never in the pirate’s life did he imagine resorting to this. But as the saying goes; When you break an addiction, you’re really just replacing it with another. A long journey and they forgot the rum. Jack forgot the rum. And didn’t notice until it was too late to turn the ship round. Great characterisation. The rum! It was as if an abomination had struck Captain Jack Sparrow. To be without his precious rum caused his body to go into withdrawal. Some of the superstitious crew members thought that he was posessed by a demon. Pirates not being familiar with the DTs.
This wouldn’t be the first time Jack would find himself at the mercy of Barbossa. I think she means the mutiny, but it looks more like a prediction. It started off as temporary ‘Comfort’. Isn’t that a brand of fabric softener? But even after the pain stopped, the two of them continued this routine. Jack continued to moan and beg as he felt himself getting closer. It didn’t take long for them to reach their climax as Barbossa thrusted into Jack one last time. The older man collapsed on top of his captain, both of them completely exhausted.
“How was that?” Barbossa asked as he slowly lifted his body off of Jack and laid beside him.
“A bottle of rum could have done better,” Jack panted. Just as well they forgot it. Or we could be in for eight chapters of Jack having glass shards extracted from his rectum without anaesthetic.
Barbossa chuckled at Jack’s response, “You’re a terrible liar, Sparrow.”
“Oh?”
“That’s because I know you’re a dishonest man.”
Jack wasn’t even going to bother continuing their argument. Can’t really blame him. Slumber came on faster every time after their intimate moments. Doesn’t it just? Jack snuggled closer to his ‘lover’. I really hope he didn’t do that irritating air-quotes thing with his fingers. That is if he were to call him that. It was true that this affair started off as purely physical. But now Jack wasn’t too sure. He constantly caught himself jealous of anyone else who would even so much as look at Barbossa. There are more kinds of weirdness in that sentence than I want to list.
“Do you love me?” Jack whispered with his face buried into the other man’s neck.
“What?” Barbossa asked, trying to look into Jack’s eyes.
“Because I do,” he continued. Just then Jack pressed his lips against the other captain’s. After what seemed like forever, the two finally broke their kiss. Jack then snuggled up against Barbossa again. The other captain felt suddenly lonely.
“You say the strangest things, Jack.”
But when he looked down, Jack had already fallen asleep.
“Why do you think I came to you in the first place, fool?” Barbossa whispered before falling asleep. I don’t know. Was it for the Aztec gold? The Black Pearl? Part of a deal with Tia Dalma?
It was barely sunrise when Captain Barbossa awoke. It was actually the other man in the bed that had stirred him. Jack was curled up against him How many men are there in this bed? and looked to be in pain.
“Jack? What’s wrong?” Barbossa asked as he sat up.
“My stomach. It’s killing me,” Jack groaned. He then rolled over to the other side of the bed and tried to get up. But when he did, Jack suddenly became violently ill. Barbossa, other man, and two Jacks. That makes four…
“Jack!” Barbossa nearly flew off the bed as he quickly made it to Jack’s side.
Sparrow made another attempt to get up, but collapsed on to the floor and vomited again.
“Aughh!” Remember this. It will be used to indicate vomiting. A lot of vomiting.
It didn’t take too long for some of the others in their cabins to hear the disturbance. Does everyone get their own cabin on this ship? What is this ship, anyway? I kind of assumed it was the Pearl, but it isn’t. You’ll find out in the last chapter, if you’re still reading then.
“What is going on in...! Ahhh!” Will Turner left the room as suddenly as he came in. But with slightly more authorial description. The couple in Jack’s cabin were still in their birthday suits, and this sight had just traumatized their intruder. I’m pretty traumatised myself from reading “birthday suits” in this context.
“Please don’t tell me you two did what I think you did!”
Jack turned red in the face not only from becoming sick on the floor, but that Will now knew their secret. And it was most likely that he wasn’t going to be the only one to find out.
“Get out!” Barbossa yelled as he slammed the door shut.
He then returned his attention back to the sick Jack. See? Definitely more than one Jack. And this was written without seeing AWE. Uncanny!
“Are you all right?”
Jack thought for a moment, then said, “I think so.”
Barbossa made sure that Jack wasn’t going to be sick again before he started to get dressed. Afterwards, he helped Jack into his own clothing. But while he was buttoning up Jack’s shirt, he suddenly threw himself against Barbossa.
“Jack?”
Jack didn’t say a word. But Barbossa knew that he was upset as he was shaking in his arms. Trying to calm him, the older pirate lifted up the younger one and sat back on the bed, caressing him.
“It’s O.K., love. It was an accident.” Barbossa whispered into Jack’s ear. Is there going to be no attempt at all at recognisable character speech? At least let the poor bugger say “It be OK, lad. It be naught but an accident.”
A light knock came at the cabin door.
“Is it safe to come in?” Called a soft voice outside the door. Have you guessed who it is yet?
“Come in,” Barbossa answered.
The dark-haired man tighten his grip on Barbossa’s shirt.
“We can’t hide forever in here.”
It wasn’t Will who entered this time, but Elizabeth. She was still dressed in her night gown and was carrying an oil lamp. Elizabeth’s face read ‘I can’t believe it! Will wasn’t lying!’ Though she tried to avoid starring by moving her attention to the mess. Because a girl who looks at mess is just a supporting part.
“Can someone please get this floor cleaned?” she said to someone outside the door. Someone called a contract cleaner on his cell phone.
“Is Jack down with something?” Elizabeth asked.
“I’m not sure. He’s not feverish,” Barbossa said, putting his hand over Jack’s forehead.
This just made Jack curl up even closer to Barbossa, hiding his face. This was going to be a long day.
Chapter 2. Strange Sickness
’It couldn’t be a hangover,’ Jack thought to himself. He had told his crew that he just ate something bad the night before. So then why did it only last for that morning? There wasn’t any other signs of sickness. Is that an attempt to give Jack some mockney grammar? Maybe the drowsiness he was feeling at the moment might be one. All these questions raced and repeated in his mind, fighting off his body’s urge to rest.
“Still in bed?” came a voice at the door.
Jack looked up to see Barbossa.
“I’m just tired, that’s all.”
Barbossa wasn’t sure whether or not to believe him. Jack had been hiding in his cabin at every opportunity he got. It was strange to see such a flamboyant person hide away from everyone. You can say that again! Barbossa walked over to the bedside and sat beside him.
“You’ve been hiding all day.”
“And? The crew as been eying and avoiding us as well. It’s so strange.”
Barbossa just looked at him and laid beside the worried pirate. Who let the worried pirate in?
“That’s just something they’re going to have to get used to.” he said, holding Jack in his arms.
Jack thought about those words. ’I guess they were bound to find out sooner or later. But I like this. To be in his arms.’
Much to Barbossa’s surprise, Jack really was tired. Because he had just fallen asleep, in the middle of the afternoon. Falling asleep causes tiredness. Well known fact.
When Jack woke up again, he saw that it was dark and that it must have been night. He also noticed that the ship wasn’t moving.
“Barbossa?”
“Yes?”
Jack turned over his side to see Barbossa looking over him.
“Were you watching me sleep?”
“You’re cute when you’re like that.” Pur-lease! Hector would say, “Ye be cute when ye be like thaaat.”
“What’s going on?” Jack asked.
“We’ve landed ashore on Tortuga,” Barbossa said. “The crew has gone out to restock on supplies.”
“We’ve got rum!”
When Jack heard that wonderful news, he ran out of the room to find it.
“Where’s the rum!” Jack shouted all the way out to the deck.
“Well that sure did the trick,” Laughed Elizabeth, who was now wearing a newly bought, scarlet dress.
It wasn’t long before the entire ship was in high spirits. Having “landed ashore” in the rum warehouse. It had been weeks since anyone had enjoyed the pleasure of drinking. Elizabeth, of course, seemed to be the only one who would protest to it. But it was the first time anyone had seen Jack so happy all day long. But Jack’s fears became a reality when he took his first sip. He suddenly felt the same nauseated feeling previously that morning. I think it’s timesickness. It was only his luck that he was out on deck and was able to empty his stomach over the side of the ship.
“Jack!” a few of the crew shouted.
It didn’t last too long as Jack barely ate all day. But the lack of food, along with the alcohol upsetting his stomach, he was once again in pain. Too weak to do much, he dropped the bottle he was holding, causing it to break and spill its contents. Jack then dropped to the floor, wrapping his arms around his stomach.
“Augh! Not again!” he groaned. Vomiting, remember?
“Why didn’t you say that you were still sick?” Barbossa said, scooping Jack up.
“I didn’t know. I felt O.K. a minute ago,” Jack protested.
“Well it doesn’t look like rum is going to help right now,” Barbossa said as he placed Jack back into his bed.
’It’s not fair,’ Jack thought, ’Why is it so much to ask to have just one drink? What’s wrong with me?’
“I bought some tonic, in case Jack still wasn’t feeling well,” Elizabeth said when her, and a few others, followed the two into Jack’s cabin.
Jack tried to get down the medicine, but failed to do so. Barbossa quickly handed Jack the pail he kept at the foot of the bed.
“Ugh!” Same thing as Aughh.
Jack sat there for a moment, still holding the pail. He then felt his stomach jump up, and his lungs tighten.
“Ahhh!” Same thing as Ugh, only on an empty stomach.
The sick man lunged forward, as if to vomit again. But his stomach was already empty. The pain caused a few tears to trail down his face.
’I’m dying,’Jack thought. But he was headed for a fate much worse than death…
Barbossa set the pail aside when it seemed that Jack had calmed down. Jack then lowered himself on the bed, completely weak.
“He needs a doctor,” Elizabeth said.
“How can we do that?” Will said, “Jack will get arrested before anyone will help him.”
Everyone in the room stood silent, not knowing what to do.
“What about that witch lady?” One-Eyed Ragetti suggested. Two-Eyed Ragetti could have told them it was a stupid idea, but he was still in Tortuga with Bald Pintel.
“Tia! Why does it have to be her?” Jack said.
“We don’t have any other choice,” Barbossa said.
Jack spent the rest of the night in his cabin. Even though he was starving, he was too afraid to try to eat anything. But with Barbossa constantly advising him to just try to snack on something, he eventually gave in. Jack would keep down the food for no more than three hours before bringing it back up. The only thing that would cooperate with his stomach was water and apples. And Jack was relieved that he didn’t have a problem with them, because he seemed to have developed a sudden craving for them. A pirate with a craving for apples. At last something recognisably PotC canon!
“Hey! Bring that back you scurvy rat!”Jack yelled as he ran out of his cabin. Confused? Concussed? Never fear. The rat is the monkey.
Throughout the journey, Jack’s "illness" kept getting stranger and stranger. He was very protective of his treasure-like apples. And by his, that meant every one of those red fruits on the ship. Barbossa finished off the green ones before all this started. It wasn’t so much of a problem if the monkey wasn’t around. Every time he snuck into Jack’s cabin, he made sure to be seen just for spite. When the pirate turned the corner at the deck, he bumped into Barbossa.
“Careful, love.”
Jack looked up at the other man. And up there on his shoulder was that monkey, which was also still named Jack.
“That flea bag stole my apple!” Jack Sparrow pouted.
The other captain looked at his pet to see that it had already began to eat the stolen apple.
“You don’t want that anymore,” Barbossa said. Good thing Uncle Hector’s here to protect little Jacky from nasty germs. But can undead monkeys get pregnant?
Jack had a look on his face that said ‘I don’t care! It’s still mine!’
“But the good news is that we’re almost there.”
Chapter 3. You, Me, and…
“Well, well. Captain Jack Sparrow. What brings you back so soon?” Tia said when she saw her visitors.
The crew that was crowded in the small hut explained the situation more that Jack did. They had to, for he didn’t talk much. To ask for advice and help because of a stomach bug felt embarrassing. Not to mention anachronistic.
“I see. Well we can’t have you running around without your strength, can we?” The sorceress said.
Tia then disappeared into her storage room in search of some bizarre tools. She’d seen at once that regular tools would not suffice.
“I’ve dealt with many strange situations before. But I’d say that this is a first for me with this one. And after hearing your situation, I think I know the problem. But we must be sure. I’m going to have to ask the rest of you to wait outside. There’s not enough room for me to work with everyone here.”
With that the others waited in the boats.
“Not you though,” Tia stopped Barbossa, “Jack and I are going to need you.”
“Will he be O.K.?” Can’t you just hear Barbossa saying that?
“He should be. But I just need to be sure that I’m correct.” This is Tia talking now. You can tell by her distinctive dialect.
Barbossa was really worried now as he joined Jack’s side. Tia came back with what looked like a simple necklace.
“Plus I think Sparrow here would want your support,” Tia added.
Jack and Barbossa both looked at her with wide eyes. And yelled in unison, “It’s Captain Jack Sparrow and what have you done with the real Tia Dalma?”
“How did you...! You know!” Jack exclaimed.
“I knew before you even came to me,” Tia smiled.
She lead the couple to the other room where Jack laid down on a weaved mat. His legs were woven from lack of rum.
“If you knew about us, then you must know what’s wrong with me,” Jack said.
“When did you guys have your first?” Tia asked, ignoring what Jack said. What? First what?
“What!” Quite.
“Two, three months ago?” She guessed.
“What does this have to do with Jack’s illness?” Barbossa asked.
Tia ignored his question as well, keeping silent. She then lifted Jack’s worn out white shirt, exposing his bare stomach. Tia took the trinket and dangled it over his abdomen with the little crystal pointing down. It stood still for a moment, but after a minute the pendulum moved in a small circle.
“Just as I thought.”
“What?” The two asked simontaniously. A word that here means, “wondering how the hell they could free themselves from this terrible fic, er, plight”.
“Well you’re not sick, Jack. You’re pregnant,” Tia said.
“You’re kidding,” Jack said. If only.
But a part of him knew that it was the truth. While the rest of him was in denial. The color drained away from Jack’s face from the shock. And had he be standing, he’d fall to the floor. But, luckishly, Barbossa had seizen the opportune moment and Jack was already well laid, down on the weaved mat.
“I’m afraid not. My pendulum says that you’re carrying a baby girl.”
“But that’s impossible!” Jack shouted, sitting up at once.
“I’m a man! I can’t have babies! Only women can do that!” Everyone’s thinking it. He’s just saying it.
OK, I know: mpreg. *Suspends disbelief and moves right on.*
“Well my only guess is that you’re a hermaphrodite. The vomiting you’re experiencing is morning sickness.” Obvious really.
“No! This isn’t right!” Jack stood up but was so weak that he fell into Barbossa’s arms.
“This can’t be!” Jack sobbed into the other man’s shoulder. But there’s only one man here, love. One man, and one hermaphrodite.
“It’s O.K. love. We’ll figure this all out,” Barbossa said, stroking Jack’s back. For the last time, that’s: “It be OK, love. We’ll be a-figurin all this out, I promise ye, me fluffy bunnikins. Aarrrr!”
Questions and worries raced through his mind. Half of them came from the crew. Jack couldn’t speak. He couldn’t even stand from feeling too sick and anxious. How could this be happening? Cursed Aztec gold? No problem. The fierce crew of Davy Jones? What a joy. But this! It was even worse than the time he woke up to find he’d become a theme-park animatronic.
“Do you want to wait?” For what? The author to die of old age?
“Huh?” Jack looked up at Barbossa who broke him free from his delusional state. Jack was so out of it that he couldn’t recall how he got back to his cabin.
“Do you want to wait to tell the others? Or do you want to get it over with now?”
Jack looked up at him with sorrowful eyes. With that Barbossa knew the answer. Barbossa sat beside Jack on the bed and pulled him into his embrace. Jack held on tightly, almost shaking.
“They’re going to find out sooner or later,” Barbossa said, softly kissing Jack’s forehead.
“Will you do it?”
“You want me to tell them for you? Are Aaarrrr you sure?”
“I can’t do it,” Jack whispered.
Barbossa wished as much as Jack that they didn’t have to make his condition known. Jack felt like a freak. But they both knew it was best to get it done and over with.
“Please don’t leave me,” Jack sobbed into Barbossa’s shoulder.
“Jack...”
“I know you will. Just look at me!”
Jack’s outburst must have been from the fear and mood swings. After all, there’s no rational reason to fear Hector might maroon abandon him. He didn’t look or act like himself anymore. Jack seemed like a small child running to his parent for comfort. Augh! And Aughh! And possibly Ugh!
“I’m not leaving you, Jack. I love you too much,” Barbossa said, lightly stroking his hand over Jack’s flat stomach. “And our child as well.”
Jack looked up into his lover’s eyes and lunged forward to kiss him as if to say “Thank you.”
Unbelievably, it gets worse. But that’s all one entry will hold.
See Part 2 for Chapter 4. Love Boat , Jack’s maternity dress, tentacle sex, and a comedy slash cameo from Pintel and Ragetti.