Maintaining the Distance, Part 8/9
Title: Maintaining the Distance 8/9
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 1,307 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucketload, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead.
In this chapter: After a difficult day, Steve makes an even more difficult decision.
Previous Parts: One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven
Can also be found here on AO3
As it turned out, not long after they arrived at the Iolani Palace, they got a call about a murder that fitted the MO of a previous case they'd worked on, and it was all hands on deck for the rest of the day. Kono came at Danny's call - Steve was too unsure about their fragile relationship to call himself - and the team got to work. Thankfully, both of them were able to put aside everything in favour of the job.
Chin and Danny were both offering him careful looks from time to time during the course of the day, but Steve did notice they were being just as watchful with Kono, so he tried his best to ignore it. After all, there were more important things to do than think about their love-lives.
By 7pm, when they were finishing off what could be done that day, Kono looked exhausted enough that Steve told her to head home.
"I'm okay, Steve. I can do this." Her tone said he didn't need to treat her with kid gloves.
"I know you can, but we've pretty much exhausted all avenues tonight, and we can pick it up again in the morning. Go home and rest. I'm telling the others the same thing, I'll just close up and head off too."
She looked at him sharply. "Are you going to…" She stopped and shook her head. "Never mind, I don't need to know."
"Do you want to? Would it make it easier or harder if I tell you?" Steve genuinely wanted to know and his voice was soft as he spoke.
"You'd better be going to see him," she got out after a moment of looking into his eyes. "Because if you're not, maybe I still have a chance."
Steve let his eyes fall to study the end of his boots as he stood there, arms folded across his chest. He swallowed hard before meeting her eyes once more. "I have to know if it could work. I haven't… had much luck with this kind of thing before."
Kono licked her lips and gazed aside for a moment before answering. "I know you haven't, and if you really love each other, you should give it a chance. But if you don't… or it doesn't work… you should know that I'll be waiting, and…" Her eyes went fierce and hard. "If he comes back to me, I won't let him go again so easily."
Steve was so gobsmacked that he took a step backward, his arms falling away from his chest as she pushed past him and left the office.
He was still standing there, heart thudding harshly in his chest when Danny spoke in the doorway behind him. "Hey, Steve, I'm leaving now… You okay?"
The worry was evident in Danny's voice and Steve turned to look at him, sure he must look pretty vacant.
"I saw Kono leave. Everything okay with you two?"
Steve gulped air and nodded, snapping back to himself. "Yeah, we're good. You go. Chin too. I've got everything under control."
But did he?
~//~
By the time Steve had locked up, there was only one place he wanted to go: to see Adam. Sitting in his truck for a good five minutes before starting the engine, thinking about the half-lies Adam had told Kono, and the probable ones he'd told Steve, he knew he couldn't do it. No matter that Adam owed him explanations, he knew he couldn't put himself or Kono through whatever additional heartache it was going to cause. He started the engine and headed for home.
He had a beer in his hand and was sitting out on a chair by the water when he heard the gentle steps in the grass behind him, and he knew instantly who they belonged to. He waited until Adam sat down in the chair next to him before speaking.
"I can't do it, Adam."
"I know."
The last words Steve had expected to hear caused him to turn and stare at the man in surprise. "You do? Then why are you here?"
Adam smiled tightly and looked away, letting out a breath as he gazed toward the setting sun. It was a moment before he spoke, almost too softly to hear. "To say goodbye."
Steve swallowed hard and looked away from him at last, twisting the bottle in his hands as he tried to gain control of his voice. "Isn't it better if we don't?" he finally got out.
Adam shook his head. "I've lied, but I'm not going to do that anymore. Kono said you told her the truth, and I admitted it all to her. I don't know what I was thinking, playing you off against each other like that. It wasn't fair on any of us, her especially."
Steve just nodded, but said nothing as he continued to play with the bottle in his hands.
Adam took a breath. "I'm sorry, Steve."
Steve lifted his head and looked into the warm brown eyes of the man he loved more than anyone. "It's not me you should be apologising to."
"I've already apologised to Kono. She gets it." He shrugged, blinking slightly as if he had something in his eyes. "She still wants me, despite everything. I have to believe that means she loves me. I… I love her too, even though…"
He stopped, and Steve knew this had to be as hard for Adam as he was finding it. Steve was still searching for something to say himself when Adam spoke again.
"I love you, Steve. Like I've never loved anyone else, man or woman. But you're right; this isn't the right time for us. Maybe it never will be, and I… I have to live with that. We both do."
Steve could feel a physical pain in his chest like he was having a heart attack, though he knew that wasn't what it was. He wanted to say the words too, but he couldn't get his voice to co-operate. He couldn't even say goodbye.
"It's okay," Adam said after a moment, "You don't have to say anything. I'll do my best to keep out of your way. It'll be too hard for both of us if we have to see too much of each other. It's gotta get easier with time, right?"
Steve sniffed into a nod, he knew Adam was reading him as easily as he'd read Adam. "Yeah," was all he managed.
Adam stood up and smiled down at him, his eyes shimmering with what could only be tears.
Standing up unevenly, Steve licked his lips nervously. He had to show he could do this. He moved the bottle to his left hand and held out his right.
"Good luck with everything." Steve was amazed at how even his voice sounded.
Adam looked at his face and then his outstretched hand for a moment before reaching out and taking it in his own. His expression was neutral despite the held-back tears. "Mahalo, Steve. I hope you find what you need with someone else."
The touch of his hand was as electric to Steve as any previous time they'd touched, but he held himself still and didn't give in to the screaming demands of his heart or body. He shook Adam's hand firmly and let go as quickly as he could manage without seeming rude.
He was turning away before Adam moved to leave, and he resolutely didn't turn to watch him go. He couldn't bear it if the man gave him another of those looks that wouldn't allow him to let Adam leave.
It was some minutes before he could turn again. Adam - of course - had left. Shakily, Steve lowered himself back into his deck chair and gulped from the nearly-empty bottle of beer as his tears began to flow.
~//~
Part Nine
Characters: Steve McGarrett/Adam Noshimuri, Kono Kalakaua/Adam Noshimuri; also featuring Danny Williams and Chin Ho Kelly.
Rating: M
Beta: The always generous siluria, who probably doesn't know how much she helps me! Thanks, babe!
Word Count:This part: 1,307 words of 16,162 for the total fic.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, haven't a hope in hell of any of this story being canon.
Warnings: Angst by the bucketload, an emotionally challenged Steve, and a little unable-to-resist-each-other cheating in one chapter, so if that kind of thing isn't to your taste, you may not want to read any further. Also be aware that there is no real Happy Ever After here, although my muses tell me a third instalment should be written. It has been started but is not progressing very quickly.
Summary: Adam is back in town, and Steve finds out that Kono and Adam are now together. He's not sure how he feels about that considering what Adam and Steve were to each other last time Adam was in town.
Author's Notes: This is the very late sequel to Blinking Against the Distance, about a short-lived relationship between Steve and Adam that happened around the time Adam's father was missing, presumed dead.
In this chapter: After a difficult day, Steve makes an even more difficult decision.
Previous Parts: One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven
Can also be found here on AO3
As it turned out, not long after they arrived at the Iolani Palace, they got a call about a murder that fitted the MO of a previous case they'd worked on, and it was all hands on deck for the rest of the day. Kono came at Danny's call - Steve was too unsure about their fragile relationship to call himself - and the team got to work. Thankfully, both of them were able to put aside everything in favour of the job.
Chin and Danny were both offering him careful looks from time to time during the course of the day, but Steve did notice they were being just as watchful with Kono, so he tried his best to ignore it. After all, there were more important things to do than think about their love-lives.
By 7pm, when they were finishing off what could be done that day, Kono looked exhausted enough that Steve told her to head home.
"I'm okay, Steve. I can do this." Her tone said he didn't need to treat her with kid gloves.
"I know you can, but we've pretty much exhausted all avenues tonight, and we can pick it up again in the morning. Go home and rest. I'm telling the others the same thing, I'll just close up and head off too."
She looked at him sharply. "Are you going to…" She stopped and shook her head. "Never mind, I don't need to know."
"Do you want to? Would it make it easier or harder if I tell you?" Steve genuinely wanted to know and his voice was soft as he spoke.
"You'd better be going to see him," she got out after a moment of looking into his eyes. "Because if you're not, maybe I still have a chance."
Steve let his eyes fall to study the end of his boots as he stood there, arms folded across his chest. He swallowed hard before meeting her eyes once more. "I have to know if it could work. I haven't… had much luck with this kind of thing before."
Kono licked her lips and gazed aside for a moment before answering. "I know you haven't, and if you really love each other, you should give it a chance. But if you don't… or it doesn't work… you should know that I'll be waiting, and…" Her eyes went fierce and hard. "If he comes back to me, I won't let him go again so easily."
Steve was so gobsmacked that he took a step backward, his arms falling away from his chest as she pushed past him and left the office.
He was still standing there, heart thudding harshly in his chest when Danny spoke in the doorway behind him. "Hey, Steve, I'm leaving now… You okay?"
The worry was evident in Danny's voice and Steve turned to look at him, sure he must look pretty vacant.
"I saw Kono leave. Everything okay with you two?"
Steve gulped air and nodded, snapping back to himself. "Yeah, we're good. You go. Chin too. I've got everything under control."
But did he?
~//~
By the time Steve had locked up, there was only one place he wanted to go: to see Adam. Sitting in his truck for a good five minutes before starting the engine, thinking about the half-lies Adam had told Kono, and the probable ones he'd told Steve, he knew he couldn't do it. No matter that Adam owed him explanations, he knew he couldn't put himself or Kono through whatever additional heartache it was going to cause. He started the engine and headed for home.
He had a beer in his hand and was sitting out on a chair by the water when he heard the gentle steps in the grass behind him, and he knew instantly who they belonged to. He waited until Adam sat down in the chair next to him before speaking.
"I can't do it, Adam."
"I know."
The last words Steve had expected to hear caused him to turn and stare at the man in surprise. "You do? Then why are you here?"
Adam smiled tightly and looked away, letting out a breath as he gazed toward the setting sun. It was a moment before he spoke, almost too softly to hear. "To say goodbye."
Steve swallowed hard and looked away from him at last, twisting the bottle in his hands as he tried to gain control of his voice. "Isn't it better if we don't?" he finally got out.
Adam shook his head. "I've lied, but I'm not going to do that anymore. Kono said you told her the truth, and I admitted it all to her. I don't know what I was thinking, playing you off against each other like that. It wasn't fair on any of us, her especially."
Steve just nodded, but said nothing as he continued to play with the bottle in his hands.
Adam took a breath. "I'm sorry, Steve."
Steve lifted his head and looked into the warm brown eyes of the man he loved more than anyone. "It's not me you should be apologising to."
"I've already apologised to Kono. She gets it." He shrugged, blinking slightly as if he had something in his eyes. "She still wants me, despite everything. I have to believe that means she loves me. I… I love her too, even though…"
He stopped, and Steve knew this had to be as hard for Adam as he was finding it. Steve was still searching for something to say himself when Adam spoke again.
"I love you, Steve. Like I've never loved anyone else, man or woman. But you're right; this isn't the right time for us. Maybe it never will be, and I… I have to live with that. We both do."
Steve could feel a physical pain in his chest like he was having a heart attack, though he knew that wasn't what it was. He wanted to say the words too, but he couldn't get his voice to co-operate. He couldn't even say goodbye.
"It's okay," Adam said after a moment, "You don't have to say anything. I'll do my best to keep out of your way. It'll be too hard for both of us if we have to see too much of each other. It's gotta get easier with time, right?"
Steve sniffed into a nod, he knew Adam was reading him as easily as he'd read Adam. "Yeah," was all he managed.
Adam stood up and smiled down at him, his eyes shimmering with what could only be tears.
Standing up unevenly, Steve licked his lips nervously. He had to show he could do this. He moved the bottle to his left hand and held out his right.
"Good luck with everything." Steve was amazed at how even his voice sounded.
Adam looked at his face and then his outstretched hand for a moment before reaching out and taking it in his own. His expression was neutral despite the held-back tears. "Mahalo, Steve. I hope you find what you need with someone else."
The touch of his hand was as electric to Steve as any previous time they'd touched, but he held himself still and didn't give in to the screaming demands of his heart or body. He shook Adam's hand firmly and let go as quickly as he could manage without seeming rude.
He was turning away before Adam moved to leave, and he resolutely didn't turn to watch him go. He couldn't bear it if the man gave him another of those looks that wouldn't allow him to let Adam leave.
It was some minutes before he could turn again. Adam - of course - had left. Shakily, Steve lowered himself back into his deck chair and gulped from the nearly-empty bottle of beer as his tears began to flow.
~//~
Part Nine