back again. I really have missed interacting with people who understand and accept the issues i face. i thought maybe lj was triggering me, but i don't think so. "out there" no one knows cuz they cannot comprehend my inner anguish and constant food battles.
I already feel more relaxed knowing i have somewhere to go to talk, to listen. XO!

here i am again. the world is too big for me. it is a place of anominity, if i spelled it right. i live under a cover of darkness i wove for myself. i feel weighted down by my fears, insecurities and a need to act like i'm okay. inside, i seethe, or i am not there at all. why am i back? i'm not sure. i hate to ask for anything. i love to help ( Read more... )

2.4 ( Read more... )

"Our lives are about getting the outside to match the inside." Carl Jung

'kay. i figured it out. all this stress clouding everyone? Full moon. it's 8AM and the moon is full and pale against a cloudness blue sky. it's always there, playing havok (?) with our moods and souls. i've decided to just give in to it and feel more relaxed already.

so weird how i am craving all these "no" foods. fk. my fav jeans are tight at the waist after washing and i'm sure it is me and not them. i feel really anxious today. wonder if i am PMSing? periods so irregular or not at all but still seem to get hormonal all the same :/ hope you all have lovely plans for the weekend!

all i want to do is sleep. i procrastinate about everything and barely seem to accomplish anything. i blow off friends and plans i've made, then feel sad and lonely. i'm never hungry lately and either don't eat or eat guilt food and feel bad afterwards. how do i stop this cycle? i want energy, motivation. any thoughts on how to break through this

so lately, i've been required to participate in family meals. there's definitely stuff i won't touch and the fam is used to me passing on meat and starch products, that helps. i feel so awful after i eat though, both emotionally and physically. i been hitting the bathroom right after a meal and downing a bunch of Alli and lax. i thought this would ( Read more... )

so i agreed to be the designated driver tonight. good, cuz i won't drink, but i was worried about having pretty much fasted the better part of four days, so i ate a little. goodbye fast. 200 cals worth of tuna. atleast i won't be afraid of zoning at the wheel tonight, so i guess that's some compensation :/ a la Scarlet "i'll do that...tomorrow!"

So, i stepped off my fast during the afternoon. I guess i can't blame anyone but myself. trying not to hate my friends who just happened to have food and happen to be slim and "normal" eaters. i ate about 400 cals, i think. I immediately felt awful, more from guilt and the fact the food wasn't even worth it--not healthy, not worth the cals. shit ( Read more... )