Fade Into The Background Chapter 10
Banner by naomi0211 ♥
Title: Fade into the Background //You can't lose what you never had//
Pairing: Akanishi Jin X Kamenashi Kazuya (Akame to make it short XD) //KAT-TUN//
Genre: Romance, ANGST, lots of Fluff
Rating: from PG-13 to NC-17
Disclamer: Do not own them. If anybody I'd like to own Ueda. But well... one can't have everything, right?
Summary: Kazuya is getting married and while watching him from the background Jin suddenly remembers their story. His thoughts are going back in time and he starts to regret and realize....
A/N: First of all: English isn't my mother tongue, but I tried my best and since I'm living in the UK at the moment I'm pretty much used to write and speak it. But you're welcome to correct mistakes.
Other than that... it's not the final chapter, but just as Chapter 5 it is something like a end of a part of this fanfiction again. After realizing in the last chapter that things are going too far between them, what is Jin deciding to do? And how will Kazuya react?
WARNING: This is extremely angsty, I suppose.
Previous Chapters:
Prologue
First Memory: A Winter Illusion
Second Memory: All I want for Christmas
Third Memory: Broken Promise
Fourth Memory: Losing Faith
Fifth Memory: Confessions
First Flashback: Still on my Mind
Sixth Memory: Missing
Seventh Memory: Powder Happiness
Eighth Memory: Best Friends and Lovers
Ninth Memory: Treat me right
Tenth Memory: If I'd let you you
“I tell you, it’s so annoying.” Yamapi said and cut his Okonomiyaki before he ate a piece. “I really don’t know what happened during that time we didn’t spend as a band, but this boy changed so much.”
“Mhm.” Jin said and cut his own Okonomiyaki, but didn’t bother to eat. He just cut it even smaller. Lifting it with his chopsticks, dropping it again. Yamapi had already talked about Masuda’s bad fashion sense, Koyama’s bad jokes, the way Shige tended to ignore them sometimes; now he was getting rid of everything that annoyed him about someone else, Jin had forgotten which name had been falling.
It wasn’t the first time he did that, so Jin was just listening; way too occupied with his own thoughts to really care for it. It was not his problem, after all. Not his band.
“When he has those days he can get so strange. He’s going to get on everybody’s nerves then. Begging Shige to explain him things or to help him with a song; or he gets mad at Masuda for no real reason. He drags me and Koyama out to have Ramen and makes one of us pay. He’s so selfish. A spoiled brat, if you’d ask me.”
Jin nodded, lifted his head. He watched Yamapi eating his Okonomiyaki, before he continued to speak with his mouth full: “And the only one who definitely has a weak point for him and is completely understanding is Ryo. Okay, besides Masuda, since Masuda somehow really likes Tegoshi, he did that from the beginning.” Yamapi shook his head a bit. “I really wonder what happened in that time, but he’s much more open now and I wish he’d be as he was before again.”
“It’s probably good that he changed like that. He seems more self-confident.” Jin answered and thought more of Kazuya than of Tegoshi, whom Yamapi was apparently talking about. “He can be on his own now.”
“Yeah.” The other one mumbled. “Ryo said that as well. He meant it was the best for Tegoshi; he needs some freedom, needs to find himself. His styling changed, even his face. He’s more handsome now and quite popular…”
He was, Jin thought. He had changed a lot and had become a stronger self, a handsome boy who was popular and about to reach his biggest aim. He could be on his own; he needed freedom. “I’m going to break up with Kazuya.”
Yamapi stared at Jin for a second, forgot his Okonomiyaki. “Well, he’s not that different from before.”
Jin sighed and clicked his tongue. “I’m not talking about that kid.”
“Oh, you were just being sarcastic?” Yamapi laughed slightly and ate some more. “Sorry, I didn’t get it.”
“No, I wasn’t.” Jin said and gave up on trying eating. He wouldn’t be able to, anyway. “I’m serious. I’m going to break up with him.”
“You’re not joking.”
“Obviously not.”
The younger one could just stare and frowned then. “What’s wrong?”
Jin shrugged his shoulders. He’d been friends with Yamapi for so long now, but he still couldn’t show his emotions to him. He couldn’t do that to anyone but Kazuya. “It’s not the same anymore.”
“You don’t love him anymore?”
How could he ever stop loving Kazuya, Jin thought. It was more like he fell in love with him every day again; even deeper than the day before. “I don’t feel like I felt in the beginning. Things are getting too complicated.”
He had thought about that for a long time.
They had just debuted, they were officially a band now, and the media had loads of interests in them. They were followed and photographed even more than before and Jin had concerns they could find out about them. Kat-tun would be over with that. The scandal their relationship would cause was way too big.
And even though his feelings had not changed at all, even though he still loved Kazuya, they had reached a point where they needed to make a decision.
Their career or their love.
They couldn’t have both. Because, if their love was uncovered they would not just lose the career, but also that love. So, Jin had made his decision to give up their love and keep up their careers.
He would talk to Kazuya about it and he knew the other one would understand.
“Because of your debut?” Yamapi asked and neglected his meal now.
Jin nodded. “Yes, that as well.”
Shrugging his shoulders, the younger one leaned back. “It’s not that difficult, you know. I mean, nothing has changed so much from before, except from more attention, has it?”
“It’s too much of attention. What if they’re going to find out about us?”
“How long have you been together now?” Yamapi just asked.
“Well, it started in 2003, in New York, but things actually just developed about two years ago.” Jin remembered.
“You’ve made it quite a while without being uncovered.”
“But only because people didn’t have that much interest in us. No one bothered to discover things about our private life. But now they do.”
“They already did before.” Yamapi said as he drank his tea. “But I guess, I get what concerns you. The question is, will you be able to keep things up?”
Jin frowned. “What do you mean?”
Yamapi remained silent for a little longer, then he leaned in to the older one. “Don’t you think it would be difficult to stay friends?”
In confusion, Jin stared at him, not quite getting what the other one wanted to say.
“Wouldn’t it be hard to bear being around him every time? Knowing, he didn’t really want to break up? Wondering, what went wrong? What could you have done to avoid it?”
Jin lowered his look from Yamapi’s face to his plate. He was right. He didn’t think they were able to handle that situation. He wasn’t sure if Kazuya could handle it.
“And in which way could it affect the band?” Yamapi went on. “Breaking up is not just between you and Kazuya, Jin. It has consequences you’ll have to think of.”
“But it’s too risky to keep it up. It would have bad consequences for the band as well.” Jin said, trying to justify his decision, the necessity of making that step.
“I know, I thought about that million times myself. But I can’t do that step, since he means too much to me. And I wouldn’t be able to work with him after that anymore.”
As Yamapi left some money at the table and got up from his chair, Jin took his jacket and got up as well.
Lately, the two of them had fought more often than before. Actually, since that night when Kazuya had found out that Jin had told Yamapi about them, they had started to fight more often.
They were just unimportant arguments most of the times, but things started to get complicated. Why was Kazuya spending so much time with Koki? Why did Jin treat Kazuya so coldly when other people were around? What was that answer in the interview about?
They had started to focus at each other way too much; everything they did and said had a meaning to the other one.
Of course, in some way that was what lovers just were like, but in their case it made it difficult to keep their work up.
To do their job properly, they had to distance themselves from each other.
Jin followed Yamapi outside and before they both went their own ways again, Yamapi turned to Jin and gave him a sorrowful look.
“They are watching you, are more interested in the two of you now. And I know quite well the whole situation is damn complicated. But Jin,” he said in a gentle voice that showed how much he felt with the friend. “Once you take the step you can never go back.”
Jin just nodded, not wanting to talk about it anymore, and turned around then to go home.
The dazzling autumn sun was setting already, painting everything in a deep orange light.
Jin thought of the last autumn when Kazuya had been so busy with that Drama he’d been filming with Yamapi. They had always just met in the evenings and often watched scenes like this one when they were walking with the dogs.
He wouldn’t see Kazuya today, Jin thought and opened the door to his empty apartment. He was already dissociating himself from the other one.
As he closed the door and stared at the plain white wall across the corridor, Jin knew Yamapi was right.
It would be difficult, almost impossible to work together afterwards. They both couldn’t be that professional to let no one else see, take notice of their break up.
He had to think of something to avoid that.
Recently, Jin somehow wasn’t his usual self.
Kazuya lay on his back, panting, sweaty and tired. But completely satisfied. Jin’s head was resting on his chest and the older one was more lying on top of him than beside him, but Kazuya didn’t mind, since this way he could feel Jin’s warmth.
Jin had held himself back, lately, and Kazuya wasn’t too sure what was wrong, but he wouldn’t talk about it. If Jin wanted to talk about it, he would tell Kazuya; that’s how things worked between them, how they had always worked.
Gently, Kazuya ran his fingers through Jin’s hair and closed his eyes. He drifted off into his thoughts and sighed slightly.
Whatever it was troubling Jin so much, it concerned Kazuya. The brunette knew that what was worrying Jin was something about him. Jin had avoided meeting him lately. He had been acting different from usual; Kazuya would even say he had been cold towards him.
But today, after Jin had finished that promotion with Nakamaru for tomorrow’s 24 Hours TV, he had come by without sending one of his short messages first and when Kazuya had opened the door, it had just needed one glance to see that Jin had lost his patience.
Just a few seconds later he had found himself on the floor, Jin’s lips on his and those hands all over his body.
Not that Kazuya had minded it; not at all. At least they had made it into bed after they had spent almost ten minutes kneeling on the floor of his corridor; undressing themselves in between kisses.
From that moment on, everything had gotten slow and gentle and intoxicating, even.
It had been intensive. More than that; it had left Kazuya feeling completely filled by warmth and overwhelmed of his love for Jin.
As Jin slowly moved his head, Kazuya opened his eyes again and looked into those deep brown ones that were watching him now.
It should have better been like that, the younger one thought as he gave Jin a slight smile; for the last time they had been together like this.
He knew what Jin’s behaviour was about. No matter what was on his mind it led him to distance himself from Kazuya; to break up, most likely. Kazuya knew it; he could feel it, but he hadn’t done anything to stop Jin from planning their break up.
Jin lowered his head again, placed a gentle kiss over Kazuya’s heart.
“Let’s end it.”
Kazuya didn’t even bother to move. He was sure Jin had felt how his heart had skipped a beat, hearing those words. His fingers were still tangled into Jin’s hair. “I thought it would take you another week, to build up the courage to finally say it.”
Jin observed him with a serious look. “You knew?”
“Intuition.”
That made Jin smile slightly. “You’re such a girl, Kazuya.”
“And look, I’m still manlier than you. Life holds so many mysteries” the younger one answered, apparently completely relaxed.
Jin put his head back to Kazuya’s chest. “I’m serious.”
“I know.”
“I thought about it for a while.”
“I know.”
Jin’s hand found Kazuya’s and he tangled their fingers. “Everything’s too complicated now.”
“I know.”
“Kazuya…” he said with a slightly annoyed voice.
“Well, you know, this is quite bizarre. You’re breaking up with me after we just had sex and still lie in bed. You’re even holding my hand.” He lifted their hands to demonstrate Jin. “You’re doing a pathetic job here.”
“You know we can’t avoid it.” Jin just said.
Of course, Kazuya had thought about it as well. He had tried to tell himself several times that they could manage it, but it seemed they couldn’t. Apparently, Jin didn’t believe they could. And if Jin didn’t believe in them, there was no point in going on.
It took two to cherish a relationship; to maintain a love.
Details, Kazuya thought again as he watched the ceiling. He had always told himself, everything else was just details; that only his love for Jin counted. But gathering all those details, they became so important suddenly. All together, they were something the both of them couldn’t overcome.
It remained silent between them, as they lay like that. Kazuya’s fingers were playfully moving through Jin’s hair, while the older one shifted a bit to rest his head on his lover’s shoulder. Feeling Jin’s warm breath against his neck, Kazuya closed his eyes.
This had probably just been a bad dream and when he opened his eyes now, Jin would wake up from a slight slumber as well and kiss him. They’d cook together and go to bed after watching some television and talking for a while.
He would wake up next to Jin tomorrow morning.
Kazuya wished it wasn’t real, but he knew it was; the way Jin’s hand hold his, the way the other male gently nipped at the skin of his neck--- all that was real; just as his words were.
“What will happen next?” Kazuya asked quietly. He knew it was not just about them, what would happen to them after this, but also about the band.
Jin didn’t answer straight away. He felt lost in Kazuya’s warmth, his scent, his touches. There was no way he could live without it, but yet he had made his decision. No way back, he thought again; once the step was made, there was no way back. “I’m leaving.”
Now Kazuya sat up, pulling Jin in a sitting position as well. “We’ve just debuted! You can’t!”
Jin shook his head, pulled the covers over them, though he knew Kazuya wasn’t shaking because of the cold. Their fingers were still slightly tangled and he fidgeted with them, avoiding looking at Kazuya. “We couldn’t handle being around each other after it.”
Kazuya on the other hand was observing Jin’s face with a sorrowful look. “We’ll have to.”
“We both know we couldn’t.” Jin just answered. “We’ll both need some time to get over this.”
Naturally, Kazuya had thought about that, as well. He remembered that time when he first had started to think about it; when he had realized that he and Jin could never be only friends again.
But he had also realized then that being completely without Jin was even worse. No matter what, he needed the older one around.
“But there has to be another way than you leaving the band.”
Jin lifted their hands and placed a short kiss to their entangled fingers what left Kazuya with a confusing feeling. Then he let go and pulled his hand back. “I’ve already talked to the managers and Johnny about it.”
Kazuya gaped and stared at Jin. “What did you tell them? What did you say why you want to leave?”
Now Jin raised his head and looked into Kazuya’s eyes. “I won’t leave the band, Kazuya. I’m going to have a hiatus for a while.” He swallowed thickly, struggling to say what needed to be said. “I’ll be going to L.A.”
Kazuya couldn’t say anything; he just stared at Jin as the other male got out of the bed and dressed. He turned his look back to the white sheets which were covering his legs and waist, unable to move.
So, after all, he would lose Jin completely. What he had realized was the worst for him to happen, would come true.
As he felt a hand on his shoulder, he slowly raised his head and looked at Jin. His eyes had that pitiful look and Kazuya couldn’t stand it. Why didn’t Jin seem as hurting as he was?
“That’s best for us, Kazuya.”
“No.” Kazuya said, as he got up himself. “It’s best for everyone else. For the situation we’re in. But not for us.”
Jin didn’t answer that. He observed Kazuya silently and tried to hide his pain. Of course, Kazuya was right. Best for them would most likely be to stay together, to share what was between them.
But that wasn’t prudential.
“You know, I’ve always wanted to go, anyway, so this is probably just the perfect chance.”
Kazuya just nodded, still with his back to Jin as he was looking for his shirt. He gave up and just opened his wardrobe to get a new one.
“I’ll be going to take curses in English and do what I’ve always wanted to do; see some new faces, meet some new people, get to know their lifestyle.”
Still no answer, as Kazuya headed towards the door.
The distance between them was gaping now, becoming wider and wider and made both of them feel uncomfortable.
As Kazuya went into the hallway he picked up the shirt he had been looking for and he couldn’t believe it was the same person who had stripped him from it, that was saying all those things now.
Feelings could fade; die even, Kazuya realized as he turned to Jin and managed a smile. Apparently, Jin’s feelings for him had died. “Well, then. What a lucky coincidence.”
“Kazuya…” Jin started, but didn’t really know what to say. He had made it sound too easy, even though it wasn’t easy at all for him. But he suffered just as much.
“It’s okay.” Kazuya said and turned to the kitchen. He needed something to drink. He wondered whether he had some wine stored somewhere. “As you’ve said, we can’t avoid it.”
Jin followed him and stood in the door frame, watching Kazuya filling a glass with water. It was difficult to say those words, Jin realized. He had thought it would be easy to ask Kazuya for it, since they had always been friends, but right now he was struggling to bring those words over his lips. “I want us to stay friends.”
Kazuya didn’t answer first, but nodded then. “Same here.”
Relieved, Jin nodded, but still, he felt insecure. Probably Kazuya just needed a little bit more time to think about it. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”
He wanted him to change his mind, to take back all the words he had just said, to go back to that point when he had placed a kiss over Kazuya’s heart. It felt like the spot was burning now. He wanted Jin to stay. “I guess.”
Jin just nodded and remained there; a clumsy and awkward atmosphere between them. He didn’t really want to leave, it felt wrong to go now, but things hadn’t turned out as he had expected them to.
“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
Kazuya didn’t turn; he just nodded and took another sip from his glass.
He bowed his head and sighed heavily, as he heard the door falling closed and pressed his lips together.
It already hurt to know Jin was gone now. Even though he would see him tomorrow, it wasn’t the same anymore.
It just hurt.
“Kame, you’re timing is horrible.” Taguchi said as they practiced the dance for their performance later on TV again.
They had all been working for about fifteen hours already and were tired, and Taguchi was probably the only one of them who was still able to concentrate.
Kazuya felt drained. He hadn’t slept that well the past night and then that 24 Hours TV had started and now he had still so long to go before he could finally rest again.
Nakamaru gave him a sorrowful look. “Are you already that tired?”
“No, sorry, I just wasn’t concentrated.” Kazuya apologized and rubbed his forehead.
Jin didn’t even pay attention; at least not obviously. He listened and he was worried, because he could imagine that Kazuya must have had a long night before. He was just the same. And even though he felt the urge to go over and drag Kazuya into the next best changing room to take everything back and put everything back into order, Jin knew he couldn’t.
For now, things between them were still awkward and they both didn’t know how to handle each other. That was, why he really had to leave soon, otherwise it would drive them both insane.
Someone of the staff came over and called them out. They’d appear next, would have a talk and then perform.
Jin threw Kazuya a look, before they went out and slightly touched the piece of paper in his pocket. The other ones didn’t know about the letter he had written and would read out in a few minutes. Live on TV. Jin snorted slightly over that thought. That wasn’t really him, but he had wanted to do it. He wanted them to know what he thought, how he viewed them, before he would tell them after the programme that he was going to leave the band to go to America.
He thought about the very few lines he had written about Kazuya. They didn’t even nearly express what he felt for him; compared to the lines he had written to the others they may even felt flat and cold.
He’d been afraid to say too much, to make his relationship to Kazuya too outstanding.
As he was asked to read it, he tried not to look at anyone, he just read out loud what was written on his paper; he just wasn’t the type to get emotional. Writing this had been enough of an emotional act for him.
He noticed that beside him, Kazuya stood completely still, and he knew the younger one’s face showed a completely indifferent mask.
“Kamenashi,” Jin read out loud, and it felt strange to call him by his surname. “Although we were working with a lot of strangers when we were filming Gokusen, you’re presence at the set helped me a lot.”
It wasn’t nearly what his presence had meant for Jin, and he felt like betraying the one next to him with his words. Having Kazuya around back then had meant the whole world to Jin. They had spent every single day together and thinking back now, it had probably been their very best time. Everything had been so uncomplicated and peaceful back then. They hadn’t had any worries at that state; they had only been happy with each other and enjoyed their love.
Regardless of that, he went on reading his letter and felt much better after he had finished it. He didn’t want to hear what the others were thinking about it, but of course they were asked and Jin didn’t even dare looking at one of them; especially Kazuya.
He managed to laugh at their comments and views, but when Kazuya was asked for his opinion, he tried not too show off how important that comment was to him. Though, he didn’t think Kazuya had a lot to add.
Kazuya seemed to struggle a bit first. “Well, it seems that Akanishi and I are always together.”
Jin wondered if anyone noticed the guilty look in his eyes.
“We have conflicts, break up and make up.” Kazuya added and Jin felt his heart skip a beat. “It seems like every time--- though, I have my own problems and so does Akanishi, of course--- when we reach our limits, I always end up wanting talking it out with him.” Jin noticed the cameras and managed a slight grin. He wondered how Kazuya could carry their personal problems out like that, without letting anyone notice the deep meaning hidden in them. Not anyone, but Jin. “At the end, Akanishi would talk to me and me with him.”
Jin didn’t really hear the rest of the words; he was almost perfect in hiding his own feelings and thoughts, so it was no problem for him to do so now as well, but inside his head he repeated Kazuya’s words over and over again.
Was that Kazuya’s message to him after what had happened yesterday? To talk about it? To find a solution? To let things not end up like this?
But before he could spend more thoughts on it they were asked over to the stage to perform and Jin cleared his head from his thoughts to concentrate on it.
Afterwards they were all lead to different locations and he didn’t see Kazuya alone anymore until he came back to the studio for the final.
He felt tired and exhausted when they went backstage and met up in their room again. There were bentos for all of them and Nakamaru and Koki were already eating. Kazuya threw him a quick look as he entered the room and then pretended to eat, though Jin could see that the younger one hadn’t eaten a lot yet. He most likely had as much appetite as Jin had.
Taguchi was playing video games, just as usual when they had a break while Ueda seemed already asleep. But as Jin cleared his throat and closed the door, he opened his eyes and looked at him.
“I guess I need to talk to you guys.” Jin noticed the look in Kazuya’s face. No, he wouldn’t talk to him about it once more first. He would tell them now, finalize it.
And take all of Kazuya’s hope for another solution.
“I guess we all can’t take another emotional outburst from you today.” Koki said dryly.
Jin gave him a grin, appreciating the try to cheer up the mood. “I just wanted you guys to know” Jin started. “that I’m really glad we met and that I really like to be a part of Kat-tun.”
“We like you being a part of Kat-tun, too.” Taguchi answered and even though Jin gave him an annoyed look for that, he felt grateful for those words.
“Lets see if you’ll still think that way afterwards.”
“What is it, Akanishi?” Ueda asked now.
“I’ll be going to America for at least six months.” Jin said into the silence and noticed everyone staring at him in disbelieve. Except for Kazuya who was sitting on his chair in the corner, being no part of the scenery at all.
“Why?” Nakamaru asked.
“Because I’ve always wanted to do that and they let me go now.”
Koki neglected his bento. “What about Kat-tun?”
“You guys just go on as before, I suppose.”
“Are you quitting?”
Jin looked at Ueda. “No, I’ll be coming back.”
“What if we won’t accept you back in the band, after you decided you had enough of your freedom?”
That sentence pierced Jin’s heart and he didn’t even dare turning to Kazuya. “Well, I’ll have to handle that then” he said in his indifferent voice, acting completely calm.
It remained silent; they all didn’t know what to add.
“I just wanted to say it now. We’ll all be off for the next days, so you can think about it. But I’ll go, anyway, no matter what you think of it.”
That attitude was typically Akanishi Jin, Kazuya thought and put his chopsticks onto the table before he got up and took his things. “I’ll be leaving then.”
Koki looked after him, then at Jin and frowned, getting the situation.
Jin just went over to his things to pick them up. “I’m sorry.”
Nakamaru shook his head. “No, we all know you were always up for it.”
Ueda nodded in agreement and leaned back, observing Jin with calm eyes.
It was too much to take for Jin; he felt pity to leave them, but he knew he had no other chance. Staying would mean to stress the band out, to probably even lead it to a break up.
This was the best decision he could have made; he just had to stay strong and make it till the end.
With a murmured excuse, he left the room to get home. He’d finally get some sleep tonight, because no matter how much he thought of Kazuya and how badly he missed him, he was way too exhausted.
As he reached his car, he saw Kazuya starting his. Their eyes met for a second, before Kazuya turned his look away and drove off.
Always together, Jin repeated Kazuya’s words in his head and closed his eyes with a sigh.
Eventually, those days were completely gone now.
He wouldn’t treat Kazuya different from the others, Jin told himself as he had just one day left before he would take off to L.A.
He had packed already, his apartment was empty and he had decided to spend the last evening with his parents.
So, time had come to say Goodbye to his fellow band members and he wasn’t quite sure how to manage that. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go; by now he was pretty much excited about it, but he also felt depressed not to see the other ones for so long.
They stood in their band room in the Jimusho after they had had rehearsals for the last time together. It was late already, but they all didn’t care; they usually had practices until late.
“Well, then…” Nakamaru said into the silence, as no one else made a move. “It’s about time then.”
Jin nodded and looked at him, not quite sure what to say.
“Nakamaru and I got that for you when we’ve been to the temple.” Ueda said and pulled a protection charm out of his pocket. He handed it over to Jin. “Take care.”
Jin smiled over that gesture and nodded. “Thanks.”
The other two just smiled at him, and then Taguchi made a step towards Jin and hugged him, what dragged a surprised noise out of Jin. But he returned it shyly, since he knew it was Taguchi’s way to say that he was going to miss him.
As the taller one let go of him, he turned to Koki and they both just grinned at each other. “You better bring me something nice, when you’ll return.”
“There’s no way I would spend money to buy something for you.”
Koki’s grin got just even wider, then he held his hand out and Jin took it. “Make the best out of it.”
“I will.” Jin answered and as Koki let go of his hand, he wanted to turn and leave the room. But he had told himself not to treat Kazuya any different.
Slowly he turned his look at the younger one and his smile surprised Jin. There was no sadness in Kazuya’s eyes, no sorrow, no pity, no pain. They were completely clear and gave him that look he had always loved to see.
Cheerful and happy, Kazuya was smiling at him.
“Good luck, Jin.”
Jin nodded slightly and swallowed thickly. He wanted to say something, but he couldn’t. Words were running through his head, but they couldn’t find their way out. He was struggling with his own feelings and wishes, but finally he gave in and embraced Kazuya. He didn’t care the others were around. To them, the two of them had always been best friends, so there was nothing wrong with hugging his best friend, was there?
Jin didn’t bother what they thought. He would leave and he couldn’t just say Goodbye like that; with only a smile. He wanted to hold Kazuya for a last time.
He probably held the other male a second too long; longer than necessary. But he wanted to remember that feeling of having Kazuya like this.
His scent, the way the tips of his brown hair brushed against Jin’s cheek, how his hands loosely held his waist and his lips gently pressed against Jin’s neck.
Every evening, Jin thought, he would remember that feeling, before he fell asleep. For the rest of his life; he would never forget how this felt.
He let go and couldn’t quite tell why it hurt to still see that carefree smile in Kazuya’s eyes. But it was still there and it even remained when Jin turned at the door again and waved at them.
Kazuya watched him leave without any move. He remained where he was, saw Jin closing the door behind himself, but still smiled.
Jin had left, he wouldn’t see him for half a year now, but he could still feel his warmth, could still feel his arms around him, his cheek against his hair.
He could still feel Jin.
The others started to get their things together and Kazuya turned to do so, as well. But he couldn’t quite concentrate on it, his hands always stopped, his heart skipped a beat every few seconds, whenever he realized over and over again that he had let Jin go just a few minutes ago and he couldn’t hold him back anymore.
When he was ready to leave, he noticed that the others were all gone already. He hadn’t perceived they had left while being in his thoughts.
He was still in that state when he came back home. His gaze was empty, his lips felt dry and his heart wouldn’t stop to pound wildly.
Kazuya felt, as if he had made the biggest mistake in his life.
Although, he had told himself to let Jin go with a smile, to not let him see how painful it was for Kazuya, he now felt as if that had been wrong.
But what would have been the right thing to do?
He dropped his things in the corridor and went over to his bedroom, falling onto his bed and staring at the wall.
Usually his bed had that smell; that scent of Jin’s hair on his pillows, the one of Jin’s skin on his sheets. But it was gone now. It had been nearly a month since Jin had stayed in this bed the last time.
Kazuya remembered how they had been lying here, how Jin had said those words.
His hand reached up and he laid it over his heart. Had Jin really wanted to break up? Kazuya didn’t think so. They both hadn’t really wanted that.
Why else had Jin placed a kiss over Kazuya’s heart back then? Wasn’t that a symbol of deep love? Why had he done it, just in nearly the same moment as he had broken up with Kazuya?
The thoughts took over and Kazuya shifted, until he lay on his back.
It was best to break up, Jin had said, and the brunette knew he had agreed to that. The situation required them to be prudential. But was it really prudent to separate like this? They wanted to stay friends, but how could they build up a friendship when Jin was at the other side of the world?
How could they build up a friendship when they never saw each other, when they couldn’t meet up as usual to have a walk with the dogs or just sit together and talk?
Kazuya closed his eyes and felt the urge to do something, hit something, just to get rid of his frustration.
How could he build up a friendship with the one he loved?
There was no way they could manage that. They had been lovers for too long; they couldn’t be friends anymore. Everything, Jin could ever be to him was being his lover, his boyfriend; only being Kazuya’s.
He curled up under his blankets and shut his eyes to find some sleep. But he felt that embrace over and over again, felt Jin’s hands slightly pressing him against his body until his memories mixed up and he felt Jin’s presence next to him again, remembered what it was like to hold him or to be held by him.
He couldn’t possibly survive without Jin for so long. The last weeks had been a torture, but Kazuya had always believed--- every day again when he had seen Jin--- that things would change, that Jin would change his mind.
He had believed that he would hold Jin soon again; that he would hear him say those words again.
How often had Jin told him that he loved him? Had all that been a lie? How could he leave Kazuya like that if he really loved him?
No matter how bad Kazuya tried to, he couldn’t get rid of those thoughts. He couldn’t forget; he couldn’t let go.
But it was too late. Jin would leave the very next morning and Kazuya had not been able to make Jin stay with him.
Jin still wasn’t able to forget that smile, as he got his luggage down from his apartment the next morning. He placed it in the hallway and knew the driver would pick it up before they’d leave to the airport.
Then he went back upstairs and as he stood in his apartment, he stared at the empty room. He would find a new one when he’d come back. Staying here had been the worst for the last month. It was probably a cliché, but every single room, the whole furniture, every situation--- was it taking a shower, preparing a meal or just watching TV--- remembered him of Kazuya.
They had spent so much time here together. How often had Kazuya fallen asleep at that couch? And how often had they showered together? How often had they been in the kitchen, preparing a simple dinner?
All that was too much for Jin to take and he had decided to leave to forget those moments, to get rid of those memories.
Coming back to this place wouldn’t help that, so it was better to give it up and start completely new when he would come back next year.
He looked at his watch as the door bell rang and frowned. His driver was a little early, but it was almost time to leave, anyway. He went and pressed the button to open the door downstairs to let him in.
As he got his jacket and bag, someone knocked the door and Jin wondered why the driver had come up to get him, but every single thought disappeared from his mind as he opened and saw Kazuya.
“What…?”
He didn’t get to say much more, however, since in the next moment, Kazuya had caught his lips with his own. He gently brushed them together and framed Jin’s face with his hands.
Jin’s resistance was like a sandcastle against the waves; he couldn’t do much more than to give in and let Kazuya have the kiss. He wanted it just as much.
When the younger one broke their kiss and heavily leaned against Jin, he couldn’t refuse to slightly hold him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
Jin pulled all his strength together to gently push Kazuya away. “We’ve already talked about this, Kazuya. My plane is going in a few hours.” He could see that pain in those eyes and wondered how he could have fallen for that fake smile yesterday.
Right now, Jin thought, as he saw Kazuya fighting with himself, the younger one was about to give up all his pride.
“I just can’t…”
“Kazuya, don’t.” Jin interrupted him.
“Don’t you, Jin!” Enraged, Kazuya made a step towards him. “That’s simply not right. You can’t leave like this. We did well, didn’t we? I mean, nothing has changed that much, we can still go on like we did before.”
“But…”
“You just returned my kiss, didn’t you? You don’t really want to leave, either. So why do you? What makes you? No one’s forcing you to take that step!”
He had decided, Jin told himself. He had to think of Kazuya, of the other ones. If Kazuya couldn’t do that, he had to do it for him. It’s been a million times that he had reminded himself of the exigency of this step. “It’s already decided.”
“How can you?” Kazuya asked in a quiet voice; it seemed all his anger and enragement were gone now; he just stared at Jin with those hurt eyes, that desperate need in them.
“It’s best for us.”
Kazuya wondered if Jin had ever listened to him. “I told you, it’s not.” Kazuya answered and lowered his head.
It broke Jin’s heart to see Kazuya like this. The other one doubted Jin’s love for him and even though he knew it was best this way, that Kazuya would get over him more easily like this, he didn’t want him to.
Because his love for Kazuya was the only thing that was real; the only reason why he could go through this. Only, because Kazuya was most important to him.
Jin took his bag into his left hand and reached out his right, gently touching Kazuya’s cheek. The other male didn’t lift his head, but nuzzled against the warmth of it; apparently longing for it so badly.
“Kazuya.” Jin just said and as he could look into those eyes again, he leaned in and brushed their lips together.
He nipped at Kazuya’s lips, which, he was sure, were perfectly suiting his own, before the kiss deepened and he felt like the first time when they had kissed. Kazuya’s relieved sigh echoed in him and Jin drew him close, his hand loosely holding Kazuya’s jaw.
Slow, gentle and loving; Jin laid all his love into that one kiss, felt Kazuya returning just as much of it, as he titled his head to the side, changed his angle to get more from that kiss.
The door bell rang again and Jin broke it.
There were a thousand reasons to stay, a million to ignore the door bell and do as he wished and lock himself up here with Kazuya forever. But that one reason to go exceeded them all.
He loved Kazuya.
The younger one pulled his arms around Jin and let completely go of his pride. “Don’t go, Jin” he begged.
Jin didn’t answer, just pressed his lips together, still tasting Kazuya on them. He drew back and without looking at Kazuya once more, he went past him.
“Jin, please.” Kazuya said with a thin voice. “If I’d let you go now, we’ll never be like this again.”
Jin didn’t answer, he just opened the door.
“I can’t let you go.” Kazuya said and reached his hand out, taking Jin’s, but he still didn’t turn. “I love you, Jin.”
Those were the words he had been longing to hear for the past two years. Never hearing them had made him doubt Kazuya’s feelings for him, so often.
Wasn’t that the reason why he could have made this decision? Because he had thought Kazuya didn’t love him back, anyway?
Jin raised his head and looked at Kazuya, his impression as indifferent and cold as possible. Did Kazuya really mean it? Didn’t he just say it to get what he wanted? Jin wouldn’t hear Kazuya say those words ever again if he left now.
But, the older one thought, as he freed his hand from Kazuya’s grasp, he probably wouldn’t hear them again, anyway, even if he stayed.
“As usual, bad timing, Kazuya.”
With that, he turned again and left, leaving Kazuya behind in his empty apartment.
He had taken everything with him.