Fic: Don't Let Go (5/7)

[gradgirl_07]

Title: Don’t Let Go (5/7)

Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)

Rating: PG-13

Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Ameera, Casey and OC

Summary: AU-When INS Agent Reid Oliver gets called to Oakdale, a simple case turns into the last thing he expects.

Warnings: None

Author’s Notes: Based upon this prompt. Thank you reilaroo for the wonderful prompt and your awesome beta work. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. And I have to thank all of you who stopped by and commented. And I have to thank all of you who stopped by and commented. I enjoy reading your comments, questions and ideas. They are brilliant. Thank you. ~Ali


{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3a} { Chapter 3b} { Chapter 4}

Chapter Five

Three weeks later…

When Reid got to his class, he had to remind himself not to call on Luke first. Today was the day when the students were going to “lead” the class, sharing the poems they found. Reid was a little excited, and he was surprised to admit that even to himself. He was looking forward to his classes and teaching. He still loved being an agent, and he thought that was all he was. If something were to change, then he wouldn’t know what he would do. But going to class, lecturing, he enjoyed it. Reid also refused to acknowledge how much of that enjoyment was tied to seeing Luke.

“All right, everyone ready?” Reid asked as he began the class. He knew better than to ask for volunteers because without a doubt, Luke would raise his hand first.

There were a few grumbles, but most of the class appeared excited. Reid’s gaze met Ameera’s. She was still shy but always respectful. He had a feeling that reading a poem in front of the class would be uncomfortable for her. He decided to put her out of her misery and have her go first. Another insight he might not have noticed or used if it wasn’t for teaching. Maybe this would help him to become a better agent, he mused. But by doing that, it would mean the case would be over and he’d have to leave Luke.

Almost without thought, Reid’s eyes met the young man’s. Luke smiled and the blonde’s gaze never wavered. It made Reid’s mouth go dry. “Um…” He breathed deeply. “Ms. Aziz, why don’t you lead us?” he asked.

Ameera jumped slightly in her seat. “Pardon me, Sir?”

Reid finally tore his gaze away from Luke. “Ms. Aziz. All I want you to do is read your poem and tell us a little bit about it, why you chose it. We’ll keep it simple.”

Unlike Luke, Ameera’s gaze didn’t meet Reid’s. She looked at Casey instead. Reid was surprised. He made a mental note to check with Sam about reports regarding Ameera and Casey. Casey smiled encouragingly to Ameera, and she briefly nodded her head. She stood and picked up a few pieces of paper. The room was silent, and Reid could hear the way the papers shook in her hands. “I chose If I Could Tell You by W.H. Auden,” she said.

“Ms. Aziz?” Reid slowly made his way towards her. Her eyes skittered up to meet his.

“Could you speak a little louder?” his voice was soft, not wanting to frighten the girl. The rest of the class remained silent. They’d never seen Professor Oliver so kind before. It was a little unnerving actually.

Ameera nodded her head. “Yes, of course.” She cleared her throat and her voice was louder.

Reid made his way back to the front of the class. Again, his gaze made its way toward Luke’s. The younger man smiled at him again. Reid wanted to tell him to stop, that he wasn’t nice and the smile made him think about things he could not have. But he would have to acknowledge how much Luke affected him.

“I chose If I Could Tell You by W.H. Auden,” Ameera said and began to recite the poem. “Time will say nothing but I told you so,/Time only knows the price we have to pay;/If I could tell you I would let you know.”

Reid’s attention was focused back on the young woman. He wondered if there was something hidden in why she chose that particular poem. The lies often got to the people he interrogated. Is she ready to admit the truth?

Ameera continued with the next few stanzas. Her gaze met Casey’s for a moment. Then she read the last stanza. “Suppose all the lions get up and go,/And all the brooks and soldiers run away;/Will Time say nothing but I told you so?/If I could tell you I would let you know.”

The class remained silent, waiting for Ameera to continue. “I grew up in Iraq and I didn’t have the freedoms that I do here. When I first read this poem as a little girl, it made me think of my life, that things happen, terrible, bad things and sometimes there is no explanation. I used to beg my mother to tell me why my father had to die and why there were soldiers everywhere but…” Her voice caught.

“Thank you Ms. Aziz,” Reid finally said.

Everyone turned away from Ameera to their professor. His kindness had not wavered. “I think you helped to show what I planned with this assignment. Did anyone else have an interpretation they would like to share?”

Luke slowly raised his hand.

“Mr. Snyder?” Reid asked.

“It’s like bad things happen, and you want an explanation. Auden wants to give you one, but he can’t, so he uses time. Like you want to be happy, well it’s not always going to happen. You want to know the truth? Sometimes you won’t get it. So get over it.”

There were a few nervous chuckles throughout the room.

Reid would have said the same thing. “Get over it?” he prompted.

“But sometimes you just can’t,” Luke said. “You want an answer and I think with time, you can tell yourself the reason… Why you screwed up or why you no longer can be with someone. In the moment you can justify it for yourself, but it takes time for you to learn all the reasons why.”

Like why I had to meet you now? Reid wondered. Why couldn’t I meet you in five years when you’re older and I’m not investigating the people in your life?

Silence filled the room, and it was oppressive. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Reid asked if anyone else had a response. Since that class a few weeks earlier, the students were used to discussions that would take place, in which their professor and Luke seemed to be the only ones involved. Today was another one. No one said anything.

Reid called on some other students. Noah read a poem by e.e. cummings. Reid didn’t agree with the interpretation. He thought that Luke did as well, but for some reason the young man was holding his tongue. Reid wondered why Luke could share everything with him but not in front of his supposed “best friend.” The redhead decided not to pursue it. Just as he was about to call on another student, Luke offered to go next.

“All right, Mr. Snyder,” Reid finally allowed. He had tried to put this off for as long as possible, but he couldn’t delay the inevitable.

Some of the class sat up a little straighter. It was always curious what types of heated discussions would take between their classmate and the professor.

“I chose I Do Not Love You by Pablo Neruda.”

Reid was leaning against his desk, his palms slipped, and he tried to right himself. His gaze locked on the blonde. It was his favorite poem. He tracked back his conversations and realized he’d never mentioned it to Luke.

“I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,/or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off./I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,/in secret, between the shadow and the soul,” Luke read the first stanza, but it was obvious he knew the poem well. His gaze had met Reid’s blue eyes and neither man could look away.

“I love you as the plant that never blooms/but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;/thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,/risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.”

Casey glanced at Noah. He began to feel a little uncomfortable. Casey might like to tease Luke about his “crush” on their professor, but this was going too far.

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where./I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;/so I love you because I know no other way.”

Luke finally tore his gaze away from Reid’s. He could feel Noah’s eyes on him, and as far as those close to them, Luke and Noah were still together. Luke loved Noah, but what he felt for Professor Oliver…

“that this: where I does not exist, nor you,/so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,/so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep,” Luke finished. He smiled at Noah, hoping to make him understand that he still loved him, that he still cared. But Luke wasn’t sure if he could admit that while he loved Noah, he didn’t think that was enough any more.

The look that passed between Luke and Noah did not go unnoticed by Reid. He felt a burn of jealousy in his stomach. He had seen looks and touches between the two young men, but he would deny it was anything more. Reid didn’t want to believe Luke would help Noah commit a fraud. More than that, Reid thought if Luke was with Casey, it wasn’t serious and there was a chance for Luke to feel something for Reid. But if Luke was with Noah… he couldn’t finish that thought.

“And why did you choose that particular poem, Lu- Mr. Snyder?”

Luke quickly turned, his eyes meeting Reid’s. He’d heard the slip up in his professor’s voice. Luke smiled shyly, hoping for a reaction from the older man. “I used to wonder what it would be like, when I fell in love.”

Reid had to bite back a response. The last thing he wanted was to listen to Luke talk about his love life with Casey Hughes. But his gut told him that the blonde was referring to Noah.

“And it was amazing,” Luke finished. “But it wasn’t like anything I ever imagined either. It wasn’t fireworks and happy all the time.”

“That’s part of being a grown up, Mr. Snyder.”

Luke shook his head. “But when you have to work for it, then what are you doing? When can you just be? When I’m with a guy and I’m not thinking about anything but him, that it is just him and me, why can’t that be enough?”

“You have to learn how to have that, even when the outside world is going to intrude,” Reid said, and he slowly straightened, taking a few steps closer to the younger man. “You have to learn how to trust him and believe that no matter what, he wants to help, he wants the chance to love you in return.”

“Will that be enough?” Luke asked. And once again, it was as though they were the only two people in the room. Luke had stood up to read his poem and his feet started to shuffle toward Reid.

“For the right man, yes. Sometimes, though, you don’t find him the first time out. You grow up and you make mistakes, and you forgive him the mistakes he’s made as well. Because like Neruda says, ‘I love you because I know no other way.’”

Luke opened his mouth to say more, but Casey’s voice rang throughout the room. “I’m ready to read my pick now, Professor Oliver!”

Reid jumped slightly and he turned to the Hughes kid. Reid was certain that Luke wasn’t talking about Casey. But he wouldn’t allow himself to think of the other possibilities. He didn’t want to admit his suspicious about Luke and Noah, and he couldn’t hope that Reid was part of that either. “Of course, Mr. Hughes. What poem did you choose for today?”

Luke knew that he was being dismissed, and he felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He bent over slightly as he moved to sit at his desk. He couldn’t look at anyone, especially not Reid.

“I chose The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.”

Reid almost rolled his eyes. He had been waiting for someone to pick that one. It was a good poem but easy to interpret. He had no doubt that Luke picked it for Casey, so the young man would get through the assignment without trouble. He just hoped that Luke hadn’t written the paper for him as well.

Casey picked up the paper with the poem and some of his notes. He cared about Luke, and he didn’t want to see his friend get hurt. But even Casey could see something was happening between Luke and the professor, and he didn’t know what to do, besides stop it.

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,/And sorry I could not travel both/And be one traveler, long I stood/And looked down one as far as I could/To where it bent in the undergrowth:”

Casey stopped. He hated speaking in front of people, and he could feel that he was talking too fast. Taking a deep breath, he continued, “Then took the other, as just as fair/And having perhaps the better claim,/Because it was grassy and wanted wear;/Though as for that the passing there/Had worn them really about the same,”

The young man looked over at Ameera. She always brought a smile to his face, and this time was no exception. She smiled softly, her gaze gentle.

“And both that morning equally lay/In leaves no step had trodden black./Oh, I kept the first for another day!/Yet knowing how way leads on to way,/I doubted if I should ever come back.”

He took a deep breath before reading the last stanza. “I shall be telling this with a sigh/Somewhere ages and ages hence:/Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-/I took the one less traveled by,/And that has made all the difference.”

“Thank you, Mr. Hughes,” Reid replied. And he knew he should be thanking him for stopping him and Luke earlier as well. “And what do you think of Frost’s work?”

“I know it talks about following your dreams and creating your own way in life, but… I was once in a position where I could have chosen the right thing, the thing that would have been better for me, and I didn’t.”

“Casey,” Luke murmured and unconsciously his hand reached for his friend.

The action didn’t go unnoticed by anyone. Their classmates might not have thought anything of it, to the world Luke and Casey were dating. To Reid, it sent a burning poker of jealousy right through his body. If he wasn’t so caught up in his own feelings, he would have seen Noah react the same way.

“I did some really stupid things, and I went to prison. And now, I keep thinking that I’m back at that place. I have this path to choose, and I’m not sure which one to take.”

“But don’t we all feel that way?” Julie, one of their classmates, questioned. “We’re in college and yet I feel like my parents have my whole future planned for me, and I can barely make it through some weeks.”

This time Reid rolled his eyes. When he talked to Luke, he could forget that the young man was the same age as the rest of this class. He had a maturity about him that Reid found so appealing.

The class continued on its discussion until finally Reid had to call it a day.

*

Reid wasn’t surprised to find Luke waiting for him by his office door after class. They had been meeting pretty much every day under their “advisor/advisee” relationship. Reid would attempt to ask the questions he needed to. For the rest of the students he advised, that was taken care of in their first appointments. But with Luke, they would veer off in different topics.

Reid has learned all about Luke’s family. Reid found himself telling Luke about his own, like the fact that both of his parents were dead and he had a mentor who he was close to. Reid loved to work and had devoted himself to it, sometimes at the cost of personal relationships, not that he would complain though. Luke even shared some of his writings with Reid. The older man had been impressed and had assured Luke that he didn’t think he’d be living on his family money if he tried to pursue it professionally.

Today, though, Reid was a little nervous. His reaction to Luke in a room full of people wasn’t the best. Now that it was going to be just the two of them, Reid didn’t know if he could control his emotions. He couldn’t believe this 20-year-old kid did this to him.

“Hello, Mr. Snyder,” the older man said.

Luke smiled shyly. His eyes looked at Reid’s mouth for a moment before meeting the redhead’s gaze. “Hi, Professor Oliver.”

Reid unlocked his door and ushered Luke inside. Luke wasn’t sure what they were going to talk about today, but he knew he couldn’t skip an opportunity to see Reid either. The two men took their seats. Reid behind his desk, always trying to create a barrier, but it generally didn’t last long. Eventually they would walk around or Reid would take the other chair next to Luke’s.

“Do you want to talk more about your career goals?” Reid asked.

Luke chuckled ruefully. He couldn’t believe that the professor was going to pretend. He stopped suddenly. Maybe he was the only one who felt something here.

“Or maybe you want to tell me who the guy is?” Reid suggested.

Luke jumped slightly. “What?”

“I don’t believe for one moment that Casey Hughes is the guy you were referring to when you described that Neruda poem today.” Sometimes Reid would ask Luke questions about his relationship Casey. Luke usually deflected, just noting that they were dating and it wasn’t anything serious.

“I told you, Professor Oliver, Casey and I are-”

“What? You’re in it for the sex?” The moment the words left his mouth, Reid wanted to shove them back in. He had crossed a line and seeing the way Luke’s face crumbled was enough to prove that.

The young man stood up, his gaze not able to meet Reid’s. He walked to the left then the right, trying to stumble his way toward the door.

“I’m sorry.” Reid got up instantly and came around the desk. “Luke, that was… I’m sorry.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, so he wouldn’t reach out for the younger man.

Luke finally looked at Reid. “Casey and I…it’s not…serious.” He was going to say not what it looks like, but he stopped himself just in time.

“You’re good friends with Mr. Mayer and Ms. Aziz, right?”

Luke nodded his head, not sure where Reid was going with this.

“Seeing a good friend married so young, that might put you off the prospect.”

“No.” He shook his head. “My friends Will and Gwen are married, they’re my age and… I don’t think it matters how old you are, when you meet the right person you know.”

Before now, Reid would attribute that sentiment to naiveté, but it was how he felt since meeting Luke.

“Have you met him yet?” Reid quietly asked.

Luke offered a sad, half-smile. It was rare for Reid to see it, and it made his heart hurt. “I thought so, but…”

“It’s not Casey, is it?” his voice was soft. He wasn’t trying to interrogate Luke, but he did want answers.

“No,” Luke replied. And suddenly he was tired of the lying and the pretending. He just wanted to be honest. “I love Noah.”

Reid knew that would be Luke’s response, but he didn’t want to hear it either. This could be the break in his case. But could he use Luke like that? And could he really say good-bye? He wanted more time. He didn’t want to believe Luke would break the law. Most of all, Reid wanted to believe he and Luke somehow stood a chance.

“I mean, I didn’t mean that,” Luke was quick to take back the words. “I meant, I could have loved Noah but he’s not free.”

The redhead quickly worked out the details for himself. If Luke and Noah were involved, then they would still want to be together. Bring in the Hughes kid to act as a cover. He felt sick to his stomach, but he needed to know the truth as well.

“So the poem was about Noah,” Reid deduced. “That must be difficult for you to be in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.”

“What makes you think that Noah doesn’t love me back?” Luke countered. His eyes were blazing again. Luke was hurt because he had begun to wonder the same thing.

This was one argument Reid didn’t want to have. And yet he had to because this was the break they needed. But could he hurt Luke? You’re an INS agent first, Oliver, he reminded himself. He’d never let his personal life get in the way of doing his job before. He can’t now.

“Noah is married…” And off the look Luke gave him, the dare to try and argue with him about Noah’s feelings, Reid had all the answers he needed.

“Guess you can’t tell what goes on in other people’s relationships,” Luke said.

“But you can,” Reid countered. “You told me that Noah has confided in you. That day I saw the two of you at Java-”

“He doesn’t anymore,” Luke cut him off. “And I shouldn’t…” his voice cracked and his eyes were shining.

Reid couldn’t take it anymore. He had to touch Luke. He pulled his left hand out of his pants pocket, and he reached out, gently cupping the blonde’s cheek in his hand. “Are you okay?” he whispered.

Luke nodded his head but made sure to keep his cheek resting against Reid’s palm. He was nervous but excited too. He hadn’t ever felt this way before. It went beyond physical attraction. Luke wondered if he had focused on his professor because he wanted to have something. Noah was so caught up in Ameera. But it was more than that. He hadn’t felt his connection to Noah for weeks. When he was with Professor Oliver, he felt more like himself or the person he could be. Reid was helping him find that. Beyond that, though, Luke was wildly attracted to the older man. “I’m tired of not being someone’s first choice,” he admitted, and his voice was a little shaky.

Reid’s thumb gently worked across the younger man’s cheekbone. He actually couldn’t speak, and Reid was surprised. He often felt like he had an opinion about something, and he usually had no trouble expressing it. But he didn’t want to hinder Luke from telling him everything the blonde needed to say.

“In the past, I’ve fallen for guys who are straight or taken or…” His tongue darted out to wet his lips. “They didn’t…I couldn’t…”

The redhead swallowed nervously. He knew he wasn’t alone in his attraction. But could he actually go through with this? “Noah’s a fool,” he admitted. “Ameera seems like a sweet girl, but if it’s between you and her… There is no choice.”

Luke shook his head. “You don’t have to say that.”

“You’re worth it,” Reid told Luke, realizing he meant what he was saying. He wasn’t playing with the young man. He couldn’t imagine…

“What?” Luke murmured.

“Risking everything.” Reid’s other hand came up and pulled the young man close for a kiss.

The minute his lips touched Luke’s the older man knew he was lost. The kiss was desperate, their lips slipping and sliding across each other. Luke’s hands reached for Reid’s back, trying to keep the redhead as close as possible, their torsos pressed together, and Reid bent down. His feet spread apart, trying to get a firmer grasp while his world titled on its axis.

They breathlessly pulled apart, but Reid kept his hands on Luke’s face. Their foreheads gently rested against each other’s. They couldn’t bear the thought of being any further away.

“I thought I was alone,” Luke whispered. After Kevin and Noah, to finally have someone he liked want him back… It was so much more than he could ever expect.

Reid jumped away. What had he done? He couldn’t do this. “I-”

“Please don’t take it back,” Luke begged, and he reached for Reid, tugging on the man’s shirt.

“I would never regret kissing you, Luke,” Reid admitted, and it was the truth. No matter what happened, Reid would always know what that felt like. Could that be enough? “But I’ve taken advantage of you and this situation.” The last thing Reid wanted was to hurt Luke.

“I-I could drop your class,” the blonde insisted. “I can find another advisor.”

Luke was still holding on tight to Reid’s shirt, and the redhead had trouble tracking the conversation. “What? Advisor?” Reid was talking about the case. He was afraid he was taking advantage of Luke to break his case.

“Reid…” It was the first time Luke said the older man’s name aloud. “Reid,” he said again and a smile tugged at his lips. “Please say something.” He let go of the shirt but gently ran his finger down the older man’s torso.

“I can’t think when you touch me,” Reid admitted honestly. His voice was a little breathless.

“Maybe it’s best not to think,” Luke offered with a small shrug. “Maybe I’m tired of thinking.” He pulled Reid close for another kiss.

Luke’s hands worked their way into Reid’s hair, tugging and pulling. It sent all of the older man’s nerve endings to stand on end. They’d break for a moment, heated breath mixing together, and then their mouths would meet again.

Slowly, reluctantly, Reid pulled away. Luke leaned in for another kiss, and Reid allowed it. But then his hands came up and he pushed against the younger man’s chest. “Luke, we can’t.”

There was a flash of hurt in Luke’s eyes. He felt like finally he had found someone who understood and wanted him as much as Luke did. Was this another mistake? But it didn’t feel that way.

Reid wanted to assure the younger man. He could see the doubt and fear flicker across his face. “Remember, I don’t regret this, but we can’t…” He took a deep breath. “Give me a few days, please, Luke. Just to figure out-”

Luke’s eyes met Reid’s. He nervously bit his lip. There were so many questions Luke had; he didn’t want this moment to end. He didn’t want to walk out the door because the questions would come and the doubts, and the world outside would intrude. He was afraid of losing this, of not feeling this way ever again. Luke knew that once Reid left the room, he would remember that he was making out with a 20-year-old kid with no experience and a bad kidney and a drinking problem and a boyfriend.

“Reid…”

“You’re not alone,” Reid promised him. “I feel it too.” He had felt it the moment he saw Noah and Ameera’s wedding photo. Then he met Luke, and it went beyond physical-although Reid never wanted anyone more. This guy got Reid, he argued with him, teased and taunted, and yet Luke understood Reid as well. The older man had been more honest with Luke than any other man. But he never told Luke what he did, and if Reid wasn’t careful, it could destroy any chance they had.

Luke’s bright and beautiful smile greeted him again, and Reid knew that he had to make this right. Luke leaned over and kissed Reid. He kept it short, even when the older man groaned and pulled him close. “Okay,” Luke finally agreed. “Okay, I believe you. I trust you, Reid.”

The redhead felt the air leave his body. Reid went over to the door. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times. “You have to leave now or else I won’t be able to control myself.”

Luke still had trouble believing that he wasn’t alone and that this brilliant, older, charismatic guy liked him. “Call me as soon as you-”

“I promise.”

Luke brushed by Reid one more time. The redhead reached for him and rested his forehead against Luke’s. “I promise,” he said again.

The younger man smiled. “I can’t wait…Reid.” He hurried out of the room and shut the door behind him. Luke leaned against the door, trying to catch his breath. His hand came up and his fingers touched his lips. He smiled to himself, but then he realized…

“Noah.”

Luke’s joy quickly turned to concern. How was he going to tell Noah that it was really over? He didn’t want to hurt Noah, he loved him. Luke knew that no matter what, Noah would always have a place in his heart, but he never felt with Noah what he did with Reid. And then there was Reid. The way he had kissed him… The older man was obviously more experienced, and he would have certain expectations. Was he just interested in sex? No, Luke assured himself. Luke wasn’t ready for that with Noah yet, could he be ready with Reid? What if he didn’t know how? What if he was awful at it? What if...

With a shake of his head, Luke straightened up. He wouldn’t talk himself out of this. He needed to face the truth, and he needed to go talk to Noah.

*

Reid’s cell phone buzzed. He jumped slightly. He still couldn’t believe what had just transpired. He had to make plans, talk to Sam, figure out a way to be with Luke.

“Oliver,” he picked up the phone.

“It’s Sam. We need you to come in.”

Reid looked around the room, afraid that someone had seen what he had just been doing with Luke. “What? Why?” he demanded.

“There’s been a break in the case. We’re bringing Aziz in now.”

“I’m on my way.”

=============================

Poems I used (and are property of their respective owners). If I Could Tell You by W.H. Auden, I Do Not Love You by Pablo Neruda, and Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

Did you enjoy the poetry discussion? More importantly, now what? Reid had to get this case solved but what does that mean for him and Luke? Next update will have to be Sunday. ~Ali

Onto Chapter Six...