Fic: Don't Let Go (4/7)
Title: Don’t Let Go (4/7)
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Ameera, Casey and OC
Summary: AU-When INS Agent Reid Oliver gets called to Oakdale, a simple case turns into the last thing he expects.
Warnings: None
Author’s Notes: Based upon this prompt. Thank you reilaroo for the wonderful prompt and your awesome beta work. Constructive criticism and comments are appreciated. And I have to thank all of you who stopped by and commented. I enjoy reading your comments, questions and ideas. Thank you. ~Ali
{ Chapter 1} { Chapter 2} { Chapter 3a} { Chapter 3b}
Chapter Four
Luke was just heading out for the day when he found Noah sitting on the porch at the Snyder farm.
“Noah,” he greeted him, the surprise evident in his voice. “What are you doing here?”
Luke could see the surprise and hurt on Noah’s face, but the brunette had been the one who was always warning Luke about them getting caught.
“I, um…” Noah sighed. “I wanted to see you. After yesterday I wanted to make sure that… Are we all right?” he asked.
Luke frowned for a moment as he tried to figure out what to say. He loved Noah, that hadn’t changed. And, yes, Casey was right, Luke had developed a crush on their professor, but he knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere. It couldn’t. But in way, Luke felt that was how his relationship was with Noah. How could they be okay? How could they have a relationship while Noah was married?
“I care about you, Luke,” he said. Luke’s silence had scared him, and Noah rushed to fill it.
The blonde smiled sadly because he cared about Noah as well. He loved Noah, and Noah couldn’t say it back or say it as easily as Luke did. “I care about you too, Noah. But…” He shook his head. “Nothing.”
“What?” Noah insisted, and he reached out taking Luke’s hands in his own.
“I know why we can’t be together, and I know that we’re all just trying to help Ameera.”
“But?” Noah asked and squeezed Luke’s hands. Luke was the most honest and upfront person Noah knew. He was depending on that honesty to get them through this time.
“I don’t know what we are any more,” Luke admitted. He felt sad and yet a little relieved to actually admit it, too. He felt like he had been living in limbo. He was “Noah’s boyfriend,” but Luke didn’t know what that meant anymore. And he wasn’t sure if the label fit either.
Noah let go of Luke’s hands and took a couple of steps back. He couldn’t believe Luke would do this to him.
Luke immediately rushed towards Noah, trying to assure him. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about you and still love you, but that’s just how I feel. I’m not mad, Noah.”
“You’re not?” Because Noah felt mad. He felt hurt and confused and so many other things, but he didn’t know how to put any of that into words.
After leaving Noah yesterday, Luke didn’t think anything could make him feel better. Since he had started to develop feelings for the brunette, Luke found there was always some sort of obstacle or problem in their way: Noah and Maddie, the Colonel, Luke being in a wheelchair. He didn’t necessarily want simple and carefree. He knew relationships took effort, but all they seemed to do was work. He remembered how special Christmas felt, when Noah finally told him he loved him. But now that felt like another time. Noah and Ameera had been married for several weeks. Luke couldn’t remember the last time they had kissed or hugged. Then, Luke had gone to Professor Oliver’s office, and…
The blonde smiled gently. He’d actually laughed and talked and it felt good. It felt so nice. He wasn’t the one needing to reassure someone else. He wasn’t the one pretending that everything was okay.
And it was all because of Professor Oliver. Reid, he silently amended.
“Luke?”
The blonde was pulled from his thoughts. “I know you and Ameera are working to get her paperwork in order, and you’re stressed because of all the questions and keeping up appearances,” Luke replied. He tried to be diplomatic, never wanting to upset Noah. But Luke felt the brunette wasn’t doing the same for him. Why couldn’t Luke have that same support and care?
“But?” Noah pressed.
“No buts,” Luke replied. He didn’t want to get into another fight or a long discussion, when nothing would change. They were in this situation until Ameera could stay in the country legally without Noah. The only way to make it different would be for them to break-up. And Luke couldn’t…could he?
“Luke…”
“Noah, I have to go.”
“A date with Casey?” the brunette’s voice had a hard edge to it.
Luke was hurt. How could Noah be jealous? Luke felt like he was always waiting for Noah to catch up. “You’re married, Noah. You live with Ameera. Casey is my straight friend. How could you-”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Noah reached out for Luke, but the other man pulled back. “Forget it.”
Now the blonde was afraid he would say something he couldn’t take back. He longed for advice but didn’t know who he could turn to either. “I have another appointment with my advisor,” Luke finally said.
Noah’s face showed his confusion. “Already? What’s there to talk about?”
“So, as your advisor I’m supposed to talk to you about your career plans and ‘map out your courses.’ I don’t know why they make it sound like we’re about to discover new worlds, when really you’re just getting a liberal arts degree from a mediocre college.”
“Luke?” Noah asked. He could feel the distance between himself and Luke growing every day. There was never enough time to be together and never any privacy. Even now, they were arguing.
The blonde shook his head, trying to clear it of Professor Oliver’s voice. “Career plans. Our appointment was cut short yesterday, and we both had free time today. I really shouldn’t miss this appointment.” It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Noah it was with Professor Oliver, and he didn’t want to make the guy angry, especially since he was their professor. But Luke stopped. Something in him didn’t want to share that bit of news with Noah.
“And you’re sure we’re okay?” Noah checked.
Luke offered him a half-smile and gave him a hug. “We’re okay.” But neither one of them believed him.
*
Reid checked the wall clock in his office. Luke was five minutes late, and he tried not to be concerned…or disappointed. Part of the rules he had established for his class was that no one be late. Luke was often there (with the others but Reid barely noticed) on time. He stood up and walked around the small room for a moment. He wasn’t sure what to do. Granted, he had work, but Reid didn’t want to leave. And yes, okay, he might have been worried about Luke.
“I’m sorry, Professor Oliver,” Luke said breathlessly. He rushed into the redhead’s office, holding two cups from Java.
Reid turned abruptly. The young man was panting slightly, his face was flushed, but he was smiling. Reid found himself frozen in place, staring at Luke. Yeah, you want him.
“I got…” Luke shook his head. “No excuses, just be on time, right?” he said, quoting from the syllabus.
Reid shook himself out of his own thoughts. “You got my coffee?”
Luke’s left hand reached forward, indicating the drink that was for Reid. The redhead’s fingers brushed against Luke’s, and he held them there for a moment. He was shocked because he actually felt shoots of electricity. Luke’s tongue darted out, trying to wet his dry lips. Reid’s gaze locked on the blonde’s mouth and a small groan escaped his lips.
The sound of footsteps, people walking by the door, broke the spell, and both men jumped slightly. Reid gripped his coffee tighter and moved towards his desk. Luke stood for a moment, not sure what was going on, and if what had happened was in his imagination or not.
“Okay, so Mr. Snyder-”
“I thought it was Luke now.”
Reid, who had been reaching for some of papers, stood still. He didn’t know how, but this kid got to him. From the first moment Reid had seen a picture of Luke, he wanted him. Physical attraction was one thing. Of course, Reid couldn’t act on it: the age difference, the fact that Reid was supposedly a person of “authority,” and he was investigating Luke and his friends. But the hurt in Luke’s voice, the pain, it was too much for Reid. He never wanted to hear that again, and the last thing he wanted was to be the person who could cause it to happen. Unfortunately, it certainly seemed inevitable at this point.
“Professor Oliver?” Luke took a seat in the chair across from Reid’s desk.
The older man was grateful; he felt that he needed a barrier between himself and Luke. “In class, I should call you Mr. Snyder.”
“And in here?” Luke asked. His eyebrows rose hopefully, and he nervously bit his lip.
Another groan made its way past Reid’s lips. He shook his head determined to keep it together. “Luke,” he assured him.
The smile that split open the young man’s face was so beautiful. Reid loved that smile, and he wished that he would see it and be the cause of it from now on. He sighed. He thought he’d been reading too much of the poetry for their next section. He didn’t want to think about stupid stuff like beautiful smiles. He was a grown up. This wasn’t high school, and he didn’t have a crush. (Or maybe it was college, and he could fall for this kid.)
“I promise to keep calling you Professor Oliver though,” Luke assured him, but Reid knew he was trying to sneak an invitation to be allowed to call Reid by his first name.
“Good,” Reid said tersely.
The blonde smiled in response.
“So, I have a list of questions I’m supposed to ask you,” Reid noted. He took a sip of his coffee, letting the warm caffeine and sugar work its way through his system. He let out an appreciative sigh.
Luke shifted a little in his seat. Since when did watching a man drink coffee become such a turn on? he wondered. He tried to attribute it to loneliness, but Luke had been curious about (wanted) the older man since the he first laid eyes on Reid.
Picking up the papers from earlier, Reid glanced over the questions before looking at Luke. The young man’s face was flushed, and his pupils had grown. The redhead was glad, grateful that he wasn’t the only one affected by their close proximity. You can’t do anything about it, he reminded himself.
“So, first question,” Reid began. “What’s your major?”
“It’s kind of undecided at the moment, but I’m leaning towards creative writing.” He felt stupid saying that. Professor Oliver was young, but he appeared successful. Luke doubted that the older man was ever “undecided” about anything in his life. He wanted to appear older, more mature in Reid’s eyes. Luke wouldn’t allow himself to understand why though.
“It’s stupid, right?” Luke finally asked.
Reid leaned back slightly in his chair. He wasn’t going to say anything, just let the young man work through his thoughts. Truth be told, Reid wasn’t sure if he had an opinion about what career path Luke took. He just wanted the young man to be happy.
“I’m not really sure what I want to do with my life. Noah’s known since he was six that he wanted to be a filmmaker. And…” He took a breath. He couldn’t talk about Noah; he didn’t want to bring him into this room. This time was about Luke…and Professor Oliver. “But if I major in creative writing? What do I do with that?”
“Become a writer,” Reid responded. “Actually, I think it’s something that you either are or you aren’t. You have to decide, no major or piece of paper can you tell you that.”
“But it feels like some way to live off of my parents indefinitely. And I don’t want to be a cliché: the rich kid who doesn’t do anything. Play tennis all day and hang out at ‘the club.’ I hate tennis, by the way. I played basketball a lot in high school.”
The image of Luke in a basketball uniform came unbidden. Reid shook his head. He needed to either nip this in the bud or get the kid out of here, so he could focus on a few of these fantasies.
Luke bit his lip, wondering what it was about his professor/advisor that made him want to talk, to share every little detail of his life. And yet, he felt like the older man could care less.
“I don’t think you would turn out that way, Luke,” Reid finally spoke. “I don’t think you’d live off your parents.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Just a hunch.” Reid shrugged. “I have a way of reading people,” he replied truthfully. But then he reached for his coffee again, trying to do something with his hands. He couldn’t admit that the reason he was so good at reading people was his extensive training and years on the job as an INS agent. What made him the best was the fact that he could read people and he had insights into them.
“Did you always want to be a college professor?” Luke asked. He leaned closer, his chin resting on his right hand.
Reid smiled softly at the younger man’s eagerness. But then he had to once again remind himself of why he was in Oakdale. “This is how we got into trouble last time we met. We didn’t talk about what we were supposed to.”
“Well, yeah, but…” Luke lifted his shoulders. “You’re easy to talk to.”
A loud laugh echoed through the room.
Luke’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “Professor Oliver, what’s so funny?” He was also a little embarrassed by the older man’s reaction. He didn’t mean for it to be flirtatious, but he wanted to be taken seriously as well.
Reid quickly lost his smile, and almost of his own accord, his right hand reached across the desk and patted Luke’s for a moment. He pulled away quickly when he felt more of that spark. The blonde’s mouth fell open, a silent O of surprise and something more. Reid knew that Luke had no idea what he was giving away in that look, but Reid knew he couldn’t pursue it either.
“No one has ever said that to me before. That I’m easy to talk to,” the older man admitted.
“Maybe your job gets in the way of relationships,” Luke noted with an insight that Reid wouldn’t have suspected. “I mean, you’re pretty busy right? You have to move for your work, trying to find a college, get tenure. If you’re so focused on your career, maybe that’s why no one’s ever told you you’re easy to talk to, and with your job…”
Reid couldn’t move, and he was afraid to speak. He knew that Luke thought of him as a professor, but so much of what the young man was saying was true.
“Well…” Luke’s voice trailed off, and he looked down for a moment. As easy as Reid was to talk to, it didn't mean that he felt comfortable with what he was about to say.
“What, Luke?” Reid asked. “Don't stop now.”
He smiled softly. “Well, if your job does get in the way of relationships, maybe it's because your job doesn't allow you to talk to people.”
“I talk to people all the time,” Reid argued. But he couldn't get into much further detail. He questioned family members, friends, and witnesses. He talked to colleagues and supervisors.
“You talk to people,” Luke argued.
“That's what I just said.”
“No.” The blonde shook his head. “You talk to us. You lecture to us. You fire questions at us. You tell us what we should know about Fitzgerald and Isabel Allende or John Knowles. But you don't talk to us about…what you think and what you feel.” He hesitated for a moment, but he couldn't stop himself from saying, “I think you feel a lot. I think you feel so much, but you don't show us. You keep this wall up; you facilitate the discussion, but… Well, except for yesterday, I don't think I've ever gotten the idea what you think about anything we've read.”
Luke, of course, was referring to Reid's comment about Charlie Wales from Babylon Revisited. Reid's observation to get the discussion going led to a heated exchange between himself and Luke. But could the redhead tell Luke that the whole reason he didn't want to express his opinion was because he was afraid? Reid was worried that if he continued to do so, that if he started more of these verbal matches, then he wouldn’t be able to keep his emotions or his desire for Luke hidden.
“Professor Oliver?” Luke was worried he'd gone too far, but then he had to wonder if you could go too far with Reid Oliver.
“I don't want my opinions to color the discussions,” he replied weakly. He couldn't tell the young man what he was really thinking.
It was on the tip of Luke's tongue to say there was more than that. In fact, his mouth opened, but no sound came out.
What are you thinking, Luke? Reid wondered, but he was too afraid to ask.
*
The next time class met, Reid led the discussion, but he didn't voice any of his opinions. He constantly sensed Luke's gaze on him. It felt like a taunt; the young man was daring him to admit what he thought about their assignment. But Reid held it in, he was too afraid of another heated exchange, of not being able to control himself or his emotions. He had no idea how, but Luke had gotten to him and seen more of him than probably anyone else in his life, except Sam.
As he was wrapping up the class, Reid noted, “I have a new assignment for you. It wasn't in the original syllabus, but items are subject to change, and you're here to learn. I don't want to hear any complaints.”
There were a few nervous twitters of laughter throughout the room. Despite his antagonistic nature with almost all of them, the students were learning and they did like their professor. Of course, none of the students would dare admit to that.
“I want each of you to pick a poem. We'll do a sign-up in the next class, so come up with a few ideas in case one of your classmates picks it first. Then, you will recite the poem to the class, provide a brief interpretation and write a five page essay on the poem. The assignment will be due in three weeks.”
He looked around the room, trying to gauge their reactions. “I was…” He sighed when his eyes landed on Luke's. “I was advised recently about the fact that I talk to you, lecture too much. Now it's your turn. I want to know more about what you think, and I may even offer my own opinion about some of your poems.”
Luke shifted in his chair, and his eyes left Reid's to become glued to the desk in front of him. His cheeks were stained red. He was simultaneously embarrassed and flattered that his conversation with Professor Oliver had such an effect on him.
“All right, class is dismissed,” Reid announced. He watched Luke stand up and quickly gather his things.
Casey, the “boyfriend,” reached and placed his hands on both of Luke's shoulders. Reid's lips pursed until they were a thin line. “You're going to have to help me, man. You know I only took this class for you.”
One of Luke's hands reached up and patted Casey's in assurance, but Reid didn’t care for the easy affection between them. “Come over to the farm tonight and we'll work on it,” he assured him.
Despite the fact that he didn't like Casey's hands on Luke, Reid also noticed that Noah wasn’t Luke's focus either. Usually when the two couples left his class room, Luke and Casey would follow the newlyweds, with Luke's eyes on Noah's back as though it held all the secrets to the world. Reid wasn't sure what had caused that change, and he wouldn't allow himself to believe he had anything to do with it.
*
Reid was walking to his car, when his cell phone went off. “This is Oliver,” he answered.
“Reid, it's Sam, I want to meet.”
“Something going on?” Reid asked, his stomach twisted a little, concerned about Luke. He knew it was irrational; the young man had left his class not more than an hour ago.
“Just want to check-in,” Sam noted. “You've been on the case four weeks, this isn't like you. Normally, you'd have this thing cracked within one. I figured you'd be back in Dallas by now.”
“Right. Well, if you're going to judge the way I do my job, then I'll want food. Chinese. My place. Six o'clock.”
*
Sam had apologized immediately upon his arrival. He didn't want to insult Reid. Something about this case seemed to have everyone on edge. Sam thought it was the idea of what it would mean for all these kids if it was found out that they were trying to defraud the government.
“So, how's college life?” Sam queried.
Reid shook his head in disgust. He was mad at himself because his gut was telling him that Noah and Ameera weren't in love and that the marriage was a sham. But his heart (that completely ridiculous and useless organ) was keeping him from pushing as far as he should because he didn't want to hurt Luke, and Reid wasn't ready to give him up yet. Reid had to remind himself, though, that there wasn't anything to give up. They hadn't kissed. They've barely touched. There wasn’t a relationship between them, and it’s not like he could…
But it was the possibility that prevented Reid from pushing. He couldn’t give up the possibility of a chance or a future with Luke.
“Reid?”
The redhead shook his head again. “I'm not sure how to proceed,” he admitted, and he hated to do so. He was letting his feelings interfere with the case. He never expected to be in that position. “I see these kids in class three times a week. What do the field agents have to say?”
“They claim things are on the up and up. Whenever Mayer and Aziz are in public, they appear to be the devoted couple. Except for when Mayer is having coffee with Snyder, and Aziz has that class with Hughes, they're never apart. The only thing…”
“What?” Reid asked, his stomach clenched.
“Mayer was over at the Snyder farm yesterday morning. The visit didn't appear to be too long, and the Snyder boy ran out of the house. Not sure what was discussed.”
That's why Luke was late to our appointment, Reid deduced. “What were they doing?” he asked, his voice a little harsh.
“Nothing. Just talking according to the notes.”
“I see,” Reid murmured, and he tried to ignore the feeling of relief that worked its way through him.
“You’re the Snyder boy's advisor, right? Has he said anything to you?” Sam checked.
If there were agents on Luke, then Reid knew that he couldn't keep his appointments a secret. The last thing he wanted was to betray Luke's confidence, but Reid had a job to do. And your job comes first, he reminded himself. But at what cost? another voice countered, and Reid didn't want to think how much that voice sounded like Luke's.
“I'm his advisor, Sam,” Reid began, choosing his words carefully. “We talk about his major and career plans.”
“That’s it?” the older man pressed. He knew there was more to the story. Reid could lie when it suited him, but he was doing a piss poor job right now.
“The encounter the agents saw the other day? Luke told me that Noah admitted to him that Noah's feeling pressured. 'Newlywed stress' is how Luke referred to it.” God, he hated betraying Luke’s confidence like that.
“Are we wrong?” Sam wondered. “Mayer and Snyder claim to be best friends. If Tricia and I were having problems, I would tell you about it. I know you won't want to listen, but I'd turn to you. But what about the Hughes kid and Aziz, and those pictures?”
“Luke…” He swallowed. He had a job to do. Nothing's stopped you before. “Luke claims that Casey is his boyfriend. Luke is upfront about the fact that he's gay. He wouldn't be in a relationship with a guy who didn't feel the same way.” Reid was certain of that.
“And what does your gaydar say?”
For the first time all night, Reid laughed. It felt good. He would be glad once this case was over, even if it meant leaving Luke. The redhead wasn’t able to do his job the way he had in the past. He wasn’t being the agent he could be. “I'm… I wasn't so sure that Casey was gay, but… I don't ask for details about Luke's personal life.”
“Well, I'd hope not. You're still an authority figure for this kid. I don't want you to cross any lines just to solve this case.”
Reid had a feeling that Sam was talking about more than professor/student or advisor/advisee. “Yeah, Hughes is gay.”
And any wishful thinking on your part that Luke might be free, that doesn't matter, Oliver.
==================
So there was more one-on-one time for Reid and Luke, hope you enjoyed it. And Sam has some suspicions. When will Reid crack this case and do you think he wants to? ~Ali
Onto Chapter Five...