[drabbles] Giving Debts: Gaara character-piece (implied NaruGaa)
Giving Debts
Naruto
Gaara character-piece, NaruGaa
Short drabbles from different years of Gaara’s life, starting from 5 years old to current manga up through unwritten age of 17. Some Sand-sibling interaction, implications of one-sided NaruGaa. On what people give you, what you give them back, and what you can’t. Slightly cynical remote Gaara.
100-200 words average.
5 Years Old
Yashamura gives him freedom from lies.
Yashamura exposes the truth, gives him light,hatred, and despair, and Gaara no longer lives under illusions. He knows that he is a deceit, a thing that looks human but is not.
Yashamura frees him of the childhood delusions that his father loves him, unintentionally warns him against the coming dangers, and delivers Gaara from the obligation ever having to love others, since no one has ever loved him.
To repay his debt, Gaara gives Yashamura the freedom to take his own life, but not Gaara's.
8 Years Old
Kaza looks inside the darkness, at the lonely creature that had once been a child. In the cold, carefully patrolled portion of the shinobi’s mind he wonders if assassinating a monster that looks like a child should be as easy as killing a monster that looks like an adult.
He never gets his answer because Gaara kills him first, and leaves the distant midnight vista without setting off the traps.
Gaara tries to pretend Yashamura never existed, and some days he can.
11 Years Old
Gaara meets a girl and boy several years older than him for the fourth time in his life.
Kankuro’s bigger, his eyes still sharp, warm, and wary, but there’s a quiet nervous energy around him that hadn’t been there before. He watches Gaara curiously when he thinks he’s being unobtrusive.
Temari hasn’t grown much taller, her eyes still snarl, her posture is still posed to leap, but sometimes she tries to talk to him without expecting him to respond.
“I can kill you,” Gaara tells her, and knows there’s no one alive who can hurt him.
13 Years Old
He goes AWOL for 8 weeks. Search teams are dispatched on the 4th week, going as far as Grass and Cloud.
Kankuro finds him on the outskirts of Sand on accident, and talks easily without fear, but still careful of his words, his tone. Kankuro and Temari meet his eyes easier now, almost never flinch and sometimes smile, but never for long.
He hates being touched, so they don’t. He dislikes smiling but they never ask, and when they look for his company or offer their aid or loyalty, ready to take on the Council for him, they seem to enjoy it. They act like he’s the one doing them a favor.
Since he doesn’t know what to do in return, he does nothing.
14 Years Old
“You were creepy back then,” Kankuro says ruefully while oiling the gears inside Karasu before working on Kuroari. “Can’t really blame us for being nervy all the time; you wanted us nervy all the time.”
Gaara says nothing, sitting on Kankuro’s low bed in his room covered in magazines, tools, and posters.
Neither Kankuro nor Temari have figured it out: he hasn’t changed. He’s still a monster, still the creature he was when he went on killing rampages. He can still massacre hundreds without qualms, without mercy, the only difference is he doesn’t have the motive anymore, the inclination.
He’s no more human now than he was before; he’s simply more thoughtful.
Kankuro looks at him suddenly and grins hopefully, lightly tapping his knuckles against Gaara’s thigh, “Hell, don’t worry-you’re still creepy now. Good thing too, the Council’s going to be a bitch this afternoon. Just scare the piss out of them one more time, and the job’s yours.”
15 Years Old
He wakes up in Naruto’s arms and Gaara wants to vomit because he hates being touched, but wants Naruto’s attention, Naruto’s approval. He hates his body for being weak, useless, vulnerable, and is horrified to realize it enjoys the relaxed feel of his almost-dead muscles and nerves, almost-enjoys the strength and warmth of Naruto’s arms.
He stands up and alone as soon as circumstances permit. It's not soon enough.
The Leafs return to Sunagakure for the night before leaving at sunset the next day. Naruto seeks him out at dusk, talking and demanding, pleasantly surprised when Gaara responds, but still ready to argue with him. He doesn’t seem to notice Gaara doesn’t know what to say. He’d rather hear Naruto’s voice than his own. Naruto doesn’t seem to notice when Gaara stares.
He catches Temari watching them from a distance and thinks he sees her smirk, but mostly he wants her to go away.
Naruto acts differently when they’re alone, and he doesn’t want it to stop. Naruto doesn’t smile except when he means it or wants to, says whatever he feels like and he’s never afraid and he’s always genuine and he doesn’t hide.
As they walk, the packed sand turns gray, then ivory, then pale orange as the sun rises, and Naruto shrugs and smiles and tells him good morning, because he’s gonna hit the sack now.
Naruto gives without realizing, and never asks for anything in return. It’d be easier if he was just a little bit selfish, but since Gaara doesn’t know how to even his debt, he’s almost glad when Naruto leaves. The nagging sensation he forgot something does not.
17 Years Old
When she realizes it, Temari tells him, “You don’t owe us anything. You don’t have to pay for family. For having family-we just are. We’ll be here as long as you need us.”
She’s wrong, but Gaara doesn’t say so. Arguing with Kankuro is easier than his sister, and they can both tell when he’s merely withdrawing instead of agreeing.
The price of having family is protecting them, for caring for them when they aren’t strong enough to care for themselves. He can protect them from physical dangers, but caring for them is difficult, ambiguous, awkward, clumsy, and painful. Since they rarely need his care-care they cannot get from each other, or from someone else-it’s not a pressing issue.
Naruto rarely asks for his help, but when he does, it feels like he’s holding Naruto. Gaara has yet to refuse him. He never encourages Naruto, and sometimes wishes he could.
He reluctantly tolerates Naruto’s casual touching (because Naruto still and always will do things without thinking, without remembering the blood spilt), but never admits he thinks about wanting it.
Years
Living is expensive. Being constantly warm and content is difficult, tiring, and chafes.
The truth is, he never feels safe enough to give pieces of himself away, the way Temari, Kankuro, and Naruto do. He feels too much in danger of losing himself, of losing the demon, of losing them to take the chance. He never believes he’ll be normal, as normal as possible for shinobi to be, and he doesn’t want to risk contaminating others.
In a way, the light Yashamura gave him still burns true. It could be for the best.
He continues to fall in debt, because he can’t pay back what they give him, but there’s a place where Yashamura lied to him without words, one final time before he lost his life and Gaara didn’t give him his.
He can’t pay back what they give him, but he can give them his life, his strength, become the monster so they don’t have to.
Sometimes he can believe that’s enough.
***
One of the greatest disservices you can do a man is to lend him money that he can't pay back.
--Jesse H. Jones
***
A/N: I think this is as close to sap as I get these days. Drabbles nudged by the_loud_monk who said, "It's never too late for a birthday present."
I'm seriously going to live on a train.
Naruto
Gaara character-piece, NaruGaa
Short drabbles from different years of Gaara’s life, starting from 5 years old to current manga up through unwritten age of 17. Some Sand-sibling interaction, implications of one-sided NaruGaa. On what people give you, what you give them back, and what you can’t. Slightly cynical remote Gaara.
100-200 words average.
5 Years Old
Yashamura gives him freedom from lies.
Yashamura exposes the truth, gives him light,hatred, and despair, and Gaara no longer lives under illusions. He knows that he is a deceit, a thing that looks human but is not.
Yashamura frees him of the childhood delusions that his father loves him, unintentionally warns him against the coming dangers, and delivers Gaara from the obligation ever having to love others, since no one has ever loved him.
To repay his debt, Gaara gives Yashamura the freedom to take his own life, but not Gaara's.
8 Years Old
Kaza looks inside the darkness, at the lonely creature that had once been a child. In the cold, carefully patrolled portion of the shinobi’s mind he wonders if assassinating a monster that looks like a child should be as easy as killing a monster that looks like an adult.
He never gets his answer because Gaara kills him first, and leaves the distant midnight vista without setting off the traps.
Gaara tries to pretend Yashamura never existed, and some days he can.
11 Years Old
Gaara meets a girl and boy several years older than him for the fourth time in his life.
Kankuro’s bigger, his eyes still sharp, warm, and wary, but there’s a quiet nervous energy around him that hadn’t been there before. He watches Gaara curiously when he thinks he’s being unobtrusive.
Temari hasn’t grown much taller, her eyes still snarl, her posture is still posed to leap, but sometimes she tries to talk to him without expecting him to respond.
“I can kill you,” Gaara tells her, and knows there’s no one alive who can hurt him.
13 Years Old
He goes AWOL for 8 weeks. Search teams are dispatched on the 4th week, going as far as Grass and Cloud.
Kankuro finds him on the outskirts of Sand on accident, and talks easily without fear, but still careful of his words, his tone. Kankuro and Temari meet his eyes easier now, almost never flinch and sometimes smile, but never for long.
He hates being touched, so they don’t. He dislikes smiling but they never ask, and when they look for his company or offer their aid or loyalty, ready to take on the Council for him, they seem to enjoy it. They act like he’s the one doing them a favor.
Since he doesn’t know what to do in return, he does nothing.
14 Years Old
“You were creepy back then,” Kankuro says ruefully while oiling the gears inside Karasu before working on Kuroari. “Can’t really blame us for being nervy all the time; you wanted us nervy all the time.”
Gaara says nothing, sitting on Kankuro’s low bed in his room covered in magazines, tools, and posters.
Neither Kankuro nor Temari have figured it out: he hasn’t changed. He’s still a monster, still the creature he was when he went on killing rampages. He can still massacre hundreds without qualms, without mercy, the only difference is he doesn’t have the motive anymore, the inclination.
He’s no more human now than he was before; he’s simply more thoughtful.
Kankuro looks at him suddenly and grins hopefully, lightly tapping his knuckles against Gaara’s thigh, “Hell, don’t worry-you’re still creepy now. Good thing too, the Council’s going to be a bitch this afternoon. Just scare the piss out of them one more time, and the job’s yours.”
15 Years Old
He wakes up in Naruto’s arms and Gaara wants to vomit because he hates being touched, but wants Naruto’s attention, Naruto’s approval. He hates his body for being weak, useless, vulnerable, and is horrified to realize it enjoys the relaxed feel of his almost-dead muscles and nerves, almost-enjoys the strength and warmth of Naruto’s arms.
He stands up and alone as soon as circumstances permit. It's not soon enough.
The Leafs return to Sunagakure for the night before leaving at sunset the next day. Naruto seeks him out at dusk, talking and demanding, pleasantly surprised when Gaara responds, but still ready to argue with him. He doesn’t seem to notice Gaara doesn’t know what to say. He’d rather hear Naruto’s voice than his own. Naruto doesn’t seem to notice when Gaara stares.
He catches Temari watching them from a distance and thinks he sees her smirk, but mostly he wants her to go away.
Naruto acts differently when they’re alone, and he doesn’t want it to stop. Naruto doesn’t smile except when he means it or wants to, says whatever he feels like and he’s never afraid and he’s always genuine and he doesn’t hide.
As they walk, the packed sand turns gray, then ivory, then pale orange as the sun rises, and Naruto shrugs and smiles and tells him good morning, because he’s gonna hit the sack now.
Naruto gives without realizing, and never asks for anything in return. It’d be easier if he was just a little bit selfish, but since Gaara doesn’t know how to even his debt, he’s almost glad when Naruto leaves. The nagging sensation he forgot something does not.
17 Years Old
When she realizes it, Temari tells him, “You don’t owe us anything. You don’t have to pay for family. For having family-we just are. We’ll be here as long as you need us.”
She’s wrong, but Gaara doesn’t say so. Arguing with Kankuro is easier than his sister, and they can both tell when he’s merely withdrawing instead of agreeing.
The price of having family is protecting them, for caring for them when they aren’t strong enough to care for themselves. He can protect them from physical dangers, but caring for them is difficult, ambiguous, awkward, clumsy, and painful. Since they rarely need his care-care they cannot get from each other, or from someone else-it’s not a pressing issue.
Naruto rarely asks for his help, but when he does, it feels like he’s holding Naruto. Gaara has yet to refuse him. He never encourages Naruto, and sometimes wishes he could.
He reluctantly tolerates Naruto’s casual touching (because Naruto still and always will do things without thinking, without remembering the blood spilt), but never admits he thinks about wanting it.
Years
Living is expensive. Being constantly warm and content is difficult, tiring, and chafes.
The truth is, he never feels safe enough to give pieces of himself away, the way Temari, Kankuro, and Naruto do. He feels too much in danger of losing himself, of losing the demon, of losing them to take the chance. He never believes he’ll be normal, as normal as possible for shinobi to be, and he doesn’t want to risk contaminating others.
In a way, the light Yashamura gave him still burns true. It could be for the best.
He continues to fall in debt, because he can’t pay back what they give him, but there’s a place where Yashamura lied to him without words, one final time before he lost his life and Gaara didn’t give him his.
He can’t pay back what they give him, but he can give them his life, his strength, become the monster so they don’t have to.
Sometimes he can believe that’s enough.
***
One of the greatest disservices you can do a man is to lend him money that he can't pay back.
--Jesse H. Jones
***
A/N: I think this is as close to sap as I get these days. Drabbles nudged by the_loud_monk who said, "It's never too late for a birthday present."
I'm seriously going to live on a train.