Comments | fushigi_na_chou: Well, that went better than expected

fushigi_na_chou

Well, that went better than expected

Dec 10, 2010 13:06

~.: Guille and I took our lunch together, and at the urging of my anxiety, I sort of hastened our talk to take place on our lunch break, rather than tonight. It went surprisingly better than expected. I was able to keep my resolve, and presented him with my ultimatums, of which there are three: he has to let me set the pace of the relationship from ( Read more... )

drama, holy crap, finally, better, boyfriend, omg

Comments 22

ohkaye December 10 2010, 18:25:20 UTC

Okay, I know I'm not around you and I haven't experienced you two as a couple, save from what you've written on LJ, so maybe my opinion is not quite as valid but: why are you bothering? If someone makes you unhappy enough to look up whether or not what they're doing is considered abuse, why the HELL are you still allowing that person in your life?

And I don't know what happened with your roommate but, man, that entire paragraph made me side-eye.

fushigi_na_chou December 10 2010, 18:34:55 UTC

.... Well, I chock a lot of it up to "too much too fast." And on top of it, maybe a little backwards. As for the looking up the site -- it was mostly out of curiosity. Someone linked me to it and said "check it out" and I was like "well, can't hurt, might help," though I'd never for one second felt I was in an abusive relationship. I still don't think it was abuse.

As for the situation with my roommate -- I don't feel comfortable making any decision on the matter with the little information I have. Trying to read more into it is driving me crazy, because I will never be able to make a final decision, and not being able to makes me uncomfortable. It's a he-said, she-said thing, so I'm just leaving it alone.

ohkaye December 10 2010, 18:37:38 UTC

He just seems to have very rarely made you genuinely happy, and consistently made you feel bad about yourself or like you're doing something wrong. In my opinion, those are not the signs of being in a healthy or worthwhile relationship.

It's a he-said, she-said thing, so I'm just leaving it alone.
I think that depends on a lot on what he's saying versus what she's saying. That just... doesn't apply to some things.

fushigi_na_chou December 10 2010, 18:53:39 UTC

Granted, he has made me feel pretty miserable, but all the stuff he's said has been because he wrongfully took his stress out on me (and not in a way like he was blaming me or punishing me -- in the way where he kept needing things from me that I just couldn't give). He recognizes now that it was wrong, he sees how hurtful it's been, and he understands that emotionally, I am unable to provide for a lot of those needs at this time. Beyond practical solutions like baking cookies or watching a movie, he knows I can't give him anything else ( ... )

Thread 17

hideincarnate December 10 2010, 22:51:51 UTC

I know you are done talking about the part involving your room mate, so I will not bring it up for discussion. I do not agree with how you are handling it, but I am not going to tell you how to handle it. Enough said on that.

I am glad he is willing to meet your ultimatums. I am glad you talk to him and try to express your concerns, and your own needs.

I have never met Guille. I doubt I ever will. But from what I read when you post about him, I do not personally like him. I do not like how he makes you feel. How me makes you act.

I know you feel the need to put others before you, but a relationship that is called boyfriend-girlfriend is a mutual exchange of fulfilling one another's needs. It is not you mothering him, or him fathering you.

I hope things improve. But if they do not, then I hope the two of you both can let go of the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, and perhaps just remain as friends, if you both want to.

kendobunny December 11 2010, 06:01:29 UTC

I know I've long been a lot of a know-it-all, and I know it's the thing about me that bothers you the most... but this guy sounds like a Grade-A creep, and a fantastic manipulator. He gets inappropriately sexual with other girls when he's been drinking, but it takes him getting violent for you to tell him to stop? Of course he's sorry, now that you're telling him you won't be his girlfriend if he doesn't stop drinking, but I watched the same thing with Bess and Jared. He cheated on her while drunk - she told him to stop drinking, and he very contritely promised to. He physically assaulted her while drunk - she told him to stop drinking, and he very contritely promised to. He kidnapped her while drunk and locked her in his room... you see a pattern here ( ... )

ohkaye December 11 2010, 12:21:47 UTC

+1 to this ENTIRE comment and your later one. Bravo and standing ovation.

kendobunny December 11 2010, 06:21:06 UTC

One more point - look at this from the outside, as a trained therapist. If a patient came to you, confiding that her boyfriend did half the things that Guille does to you, would you tell her it was her fault for not being sensitive enough to his needs to make the relationship work? Or that obviously his outside stressors were coming into the relationship, and she needed to be more understanding?

I'm not trying to be petty or poke fun, but really. From a trained psychological standpoint, would you suggest that anyone stay in this relationship?

fushigi_na_chou December 11 2010, 21:17:50 UTC

To be honest, probably not. I would probably tell them they need to take a break, at least to straighten out their needs and wants before coming into a relationship with them. If they had also told me they're boyfriend was suspected to have assaulted their roommate, but they were as ambivalent about the situation as I am, all I could tell them was that there was a chance it might not be safe, but that I couldn't make up their mind for them, and they had to be the judge of the circumstances themselves. And then I would hope for the best ( ... )