Positive things I got out of an abusive relationship

[friend_of_tofu]

Well, generally abuse is considered to be a *bad* thing, and rightly so. But I hear there's a silver lining to every cloud, so let's see

Comments

[encephelopathy]

Hey...not sure, of course, what you're going through, as I'm not you and I don't know you very well, but...I've been on Citalopram for about a year and a half, dropped from 20 mg to 10 mg about 6 months ago, and, dude, that shit saved my life. Minimal side effects for me, though I know everyone's body chemistry is different. All I got was dry mouth and bizarre shifts in my alcohol tolerance. I do believe it has severe libido issues, but since the depression had already gotten rid of that, I saw no change. I wish you luck if you have to go on the meds, and you can always talk to me since I've done it, though I have an unusually rosy outlook on that.

[friend_of_tofu]

No, it's really useful to know that, thanks. It's mostly the bad side effects I worry about - I can't be taking more time of work, and I really don't want my nausea/digestion to get any worse (something I was warned about). As you observe, er, my libido is a bit fuxx0red anyway, but fortunately sex isn't usually my primary motivation for much.

Thank you for the offer, I'm more than happy to talk about it at other times.

[puzzled_anwen]

Hello, I added you because I had seen you around and stuff but I forgot to ask if it was ok to do so, so, er, is it? Argh, etiquette!

[friend_of_tofu]

That's fine! I don't mind people adding me at all. Most of my posts are public anyway.

Please don't be offended if I don't add you back yet; I generally only add as friends people I've met IRL (for general internet security reasons), that's not any reflection on you or anyone else. If I do meet you then, of course, different biz!

[puzzled_anwen]

Oh, not at all! I was just a bit worried as you're posting about some fairly srs bsns stuff and I don't want you to feel like you're being Watched or something, like.

[friend_of_tofu]

Ah no, that's fine. I tend not to lock very much stuff, unless it's very identifying or about work. I'm all for being honest about srs bsns.

[graciousviv]

We met once at Poptimism via Kat but I don't presume that you would remember me. I have read a lot of your posts and have not commented before. Mostly because everyone's experiences of depression and anxiety are different and, a bit like going on forums about any illness, you can end up feeling more anxious reading other peoples experiences and wish you'd never bothered. Well here goes anyway.. I have been on Citalopram since just before Wobs to combat anxiety attacks and depression

[graciousviv]

apologies - didn't mean to write an essay!

[friend_of_tofu]

I do remember you, I shall add you back right now :-)

Thanks very much for your comment, it's really helpful. So far, people have seen very keen to give me drugs and possibly CBT, I've not had to fight at all, which worries me a little bit! Maybe it's too easy? Certainly, I know other people have had terrible times trying to get the help they need. Perhaps it helps that I'm working full-time and there's an active incentive to prevent me going off sick or something? I know plenty of other people who've found it much harder.

Your input about CBT is very useful. I was frankly dubious about doing it, ftb I'm v stubborn and I just wasn't 'convinced' by the idea that it'd do much. I will probably try it and see though.

[feanelwa]

Towards the end of this post you sound like somebody who is trying to berate themselves so an abuser might punish them less, feeling them to have achieved some of the required suffering already.

I also wonder if maybe you are having a sort of abusive relationship with this Masters course and the incompetence and idiocy of it. It is stupid and hurtful, you feel you can't get along without it and that it is improving you.

[feanelwa]

(The incompetence and idiocy of the organisation, teaching, other students and course material, that is.)

[friend_of_tofu]

I don't and never did think that I deserve abuse. I'm more observing that however bad it all was, *I* got positive things out of it. *I* learnt permanently useful things. I don't think that at all justifies it, but when thinking about it recently I genuinely couldn't decide if, were I able to change the past, I'd go back and not have been there, because I changed in many positive ways as a result. Fuck him, this is entirely and egocentrically about me.

I think my relationship with horrid course of horrid is a bit similar though, yes, you're right there, and it's in some ways much harder just to get up and leave. Importantly, it's quite indifferent to whether or not I'm suffering.

As yet, I'm unconvinced that it's improving me - it's just a box to tick.

OTOH, I did do something quite unheard of for me - a job application! So maybe I'm wrong there.

[friend_of_tofu]

(NB I *do* know I'm stubborn, and also that I'm lazy. I don't regard these as terrible things, they're just me *shrug*, so I'm not berating myself there, if that's what you mean.)

[dr_f_dellamorte]

Yes, I'm a firm believer in bad experiences making you a better person - I know this has definately been the case in my life (well, SOME bad stuff has come from them as well, but, eh, I seem to be doing alright at the moment).

I'm starting coming off the Escitalopram this week myself (My dose halves on Monday) so I will see if it continues....watch this space, eh?