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Just like a real penis
Oh, fuck me. Not really, but...well. There's no one arooooound. Eliot is, though. And good thing, too; otherwise he wouldn't find the double-ended penis that's strapped into his front seat. Oh, for a small, penis-operable camera...
This will be a chuckle anyway.
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A little glass vial? A LITTLE GLASS VIAL!
Y'know, Manswers is actually a really informative show. I don't know how I'd have stumbled onto the Three Ways to Tell Whether a Hooker is a Hooker or a Cop, or how 15 beers a day will give a woman tits that other guys can stare at, or that hippopotami are cute. Seriously, I feel more educated than a pedophile in a Hello Kitty broom closet on an ( Read more... ) -
A Helpful Reminder
The line between what's perfectly lawful and what will get a radio station's license yanked seems undeniably fuzzy, but some examples may clarify the FCC's position.
Indecent: "Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way..."
Not ( Read more... ) -
Their dead black nothing-eyes, you want to fall and hope your own fall with you...
I'm only as goth as the hell-ravaged white whales on crucifixes that line the dusted bloody-crusted avenues of my mind ( Read more... ) -
Well, that's just silly
I would expect no less from myself. Hopefully more...and better thought out, and more terrifying, as far as battle cries go.
IFT: Lint rollers
Blowtorches
Haberdasheries
The Agro
Bear Traps
Mercury Thermometers
Musical Greeting Cards
Nuclear Submarines -
Forceps: One Surgical Instrument that will Hopefully Never Have a Fetish Built Around It
I think it would be amazing to be taught the theory of evolution by a slick-haired begoggled fellow assisted by a choir of dissectable cadavers in latex sleeping bags with socks over their heads. The real sauce of the spectacle is the dance which can only be performed by victims of tendon-seeking weasels. Since this will never happen, Professor ( Read more... ) -
Okay, who put these partially digested teenage bathers here?
*Wades into dark and peeling room with faded green flood stains, leaving eel-like trails in three months' worth of accumulated volcanic ash. In the middle of the room a cracked yellow light leaches flickering shadows from my crumbling Sandwich of Castigation.* Oh, Livejournal...to think I've been paying attention to college things instead of you ( Read more... ) -
I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger, please
Need to play less Bookworm Adventures, so will ooze factoids onto livejournal account. Oktopos tastes like chicken being raped by spice ents under water. Baklava is as multilayered as the prose of Giac#omo Heilhänder*, and it remains uncertain whether it is acceptable to get angry at a god for rhyming 'chortle' with 'mortal'.
I hope no one ever ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
It only goes to show that you can't trust anything in this virulent* modern world. You think you're safe looking at upsetting clothing, and what do you find but a skull with a breast inside of it. Suspect I may have coined the term 'nipplenose'. Needs must check with internet for confirmation ( Read more... ) -
It's like there's a party in my head and everyone I don't like is invited!
Just kidding. Phlegm is an awesome buddyfriends. Speaking of which, here is the new, as-yet unapproved slogan for a certain community college: "It is and is not like high school." Before you have time to compliment my powers of observation, I will...not explain. But in all the important ways, it is not like high school. This is sometimes good ( Read more... )