The $64,000 Conundrum: Chapter 19
Title: The $64,000 Conundrum: Chapter 19
Authors: fernedakki
Pairing: Daniel Agger / Fernando Torres, Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso, David Beckham / Iker Casillas, Gerard Piqué / Cesc Fabregas
Rating: NC-17 (This part)
Genre: AU / Romance
Word Count: 4,292 Words
Disclaimer: This is not real.
Summary: Do you know what love is? Why do humans fall in love? Do we all have 'soul mate' waiting for us? What does it take for one to love another? Does 'love at first sight' really exist?
David Beckham will court Victoria Adams with Iker Casillas' help. Gerard Piqué will conduct an experiment because he has this bullshit love theory about dogs. Fernando Torres loves piano and hates Daniel Agger. And Xabi Alonso has this penchant of solving every mystery in the world.
Their journeys through the teenage years will lead you to the discovery of the biggest conundrum in the universe, and back.
Previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
A/N: I'm sorry for disappearing, again. We're drawing to a close now: only 3 chapters left and I'd already finished all of them! YESSS!!!
Please feedback.
The $64,000 Conundrum
Chapter 19
"Fernando, your friend Martin is here."
Fernando raised his brow. Martin? What Martin? He doesn't have a friend named Martin. The Spaniard got up off the bed, mostly out of curiosity, and strode down the stairs.
The boy he met in the living room was unexpected.
"Martin?" Fernando blurted out in surprise, his guard was up immediately. It's Martin Škrtel, friend of Daniel Agger. "What are you doing here?!" He asked then realized that it wouldn't be wise if his family heard the conversation. The blonde looked around nervously and felt a bit relieved that no one's in the proximity.
"Hi, Nando." The Slovak smiled brightly at him, though Fernando found it a bit predatory, with Martin's looks and demeanor. "You haven't been to practice lately," he stated.
Actually Fernando hadn't been to practice at all. After that day he’d fought with Agger, the Spaniard ignored him completely. The Dane had tried to talk to him at school but Fernando acted like he's invisible. He came to his house but the blonde refused to meet him. He tried calling him from time to time but Fernando had never picked up the calls.
It’d been almost a week, and Agger kept trying until Fernando almost caved in, just almost. And then Martin showed up on his doorsteps. "Did Agger send you?"
"Agger?" Martin raised his brow, sitting in a couch. "You go by his last name these days?"
"I always go by his last name." The Spaniard crossed his arms, didn't sit down. "What do you want?"
"He misses you," Martin stated matter-of-factly, looking at the blonde to observe his reaction. Fernando raised his brow.
"Did he say so?"
"He didn't, but if you know him enough, he said it in his silence." Here we go again, the thing about saying without saying that Agger's so good at. He's just so sick of it. "I thought you knew him enough," Martin pointed out.
"We don't anymore." Fernando glared at him.
"Why not?"
"Well, to make it clear, Agger doesn't miss me, he misses my skills," the blonde sneered.
"That's not true. He dragged you into our band because he wanted you to be near. I don't know how you became his friend in the first place but you surely mean something to him. I've never seen him like this, he's crazy for you."
"No, he doesn't!" Fernando snapped. He just wanted me because I could be what he wanted me to be, he's in love with my potentiality, not with me. The Spaniard felt something constrict in his chest. "Why are you here really?"
"Well, to tell the truth, not only Danny that misses you." Martin grinned mischievously. "We are all waiting for our guitarist."
"You don't need me, you already have Agger."
"We need two guitarists."
"No, you don't. That's redundant."
"Seriously, Nando, I came here to plead you and you're rejecting me?"
"That's what I'm doing, yes." Fernando pressed his lips. "I won't play for the band, tell Agger that he can find someone else. And if that's all, I think we're done now."
Christmas came and went, Agger texted him wishes but Fernando never replied. Other than that, everything went back to normal, Fernando practiced piano and played football with his friends after class. Agger tried to talk to him a couple of times more but he didn't really try that hard and Fernando was disappointed because he'd never got a proper apology from him though it might be because he’d never given him a chance. But from his experience, Agger would never say it even if Fernando had given him that chance, it all came down to a game of equivocation. As days turned into months, Agger had stopped trying and it's just like that that they didn't talk to each other anymore.
***
He can't keep on doing this anymore, he just can't.
Xabi had been sneaking out with Steven for a couple of weeks and he knew it's wrong, but he didn't have the courage to tell the truth to Mikel, yet. Mikel didn't ask, though he had suspicions in his dark eyes, he unwillingly let Xabi go to wherever he went every time Xabi asked to. Other than that, they still abided by the routine, Mikel still picked him up every morning but Xabi never had breakfast at Mikel's place anymore. After class, some days he played football with Mikel's friends or had dinner with him, but some days he also excused himself early to run some errands. He couldn't say he wanted to go home though because then Mikel would accompany him home. No, Xabi didn't actually want to go home and Mikel couldn't know that.
But Mikel wasn't a fool, Xabi knew he knew something was off but he'd never said it. There's always something flickering in his eyes every time he suspected Xabi was lying and Xabi always felt chills run down his spine every time he saw that.
Then one day, he decided he couldn't keep on being a cheater anymore.
He's having dinner with Mikel at a quiet diner and the other Basque had been really quiet lately, they didn't really talk about anything anymore. They still kept their routine but just out of duty, Xabi just knew that Mikel would never be the one who broke it first. Even when he suspected anything, he'd never said a word. If there'd be anyone who ended this, it would have to be Xabi.
This is it, then, Xabi thought. His first actual relationship was about to end, he'd never thought it would end like this, and so soon, too. He thought that they'd be good together, they had something in common and Mikel could broaden his mind to the area he didn't know, anything but physics of course because Xabi’s quite certain that Mikel would never know better than him in this topic. No offence, he's just confident like that when it came to his favourite subject. But no, it didn't work out like he'd thought and he didn't think they should hold each other back anymore.
"Do you think we should break up?" Xabi asked, didn't look the other in the eyes.
Xabi didn't know whether Mikel had been expecting that. He looked mildly surprised, but not shocked. "You think so?" He looked at Xabi.
"Umm, yes," he murmured, still didn't look back at Mikel.
"Why?"
Why? Well, this is the tricky part. He didn't prepare any speech and he didn't want to lie, not anymore. "It would never work out, between us," he said in a low voice.
"Do you have someone else?"
Xabi knew this would come eventually, sooner rather than later. As he said, he didn't want to lie again. "I met someone whom I knew three years ago. Apparently he's in Madrid right now." He didn't want to say any further. Mikel raised his brow.
"So he’s your ex?"
"We didn't have an actual relationship back at the time, I'm still too young to realize what we had between us. And the period was too short, I met him when I went to a science summer camp in England."
"So he's a Brit?" Mikel didn’t sound that much surprised.
"Yeah."
"You like him then?"
"I think so." This time he looked up at his boyfriend, to show him sincerity. "I'd never thought I would ever meet him again, with me in Spain and him in Liverpool. We'd even lost contact but then I ran into him in town and we were really surprised. That's how we caught up again."
"All these past weeks when you said you had to run errands with your mom, did you go out with him?"
Xabi swallowed hard. "Yes," he whispered low.
"Umm, I thought so." He crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair. "I'm not an idiot, you know?"
"I know, and I've never thought you're an idiot or anything, Mikel," Xabi rushed to say.
"Then why did you lie to me? You thought I would buy you and never find out?" His voice sounded hurtful and Xabi felt so ashamed, he blushed in disgrace.
"No, I..." He took in a deep breath when he realized he didn't have an answer for this. "I'm so sorry, Mikel," was what he said.
Mikel stared at him like he couldn't believe that Xabi would just easily admit his wrongdoing: no excuses, no alibis. Right now, he didn't know which he preferred more: truth or lies.
"I forgive you," Mikel said at last. Though he felt his heart ache, he also felt relieved that eventually one of them voiced this out and they actually talked about it.
"Thanks." Xabi looked at him. Mikel smiled, and his eyes smiled with him so Xabi smiled, too, because right now that they had taken out their masks, they could be actually sincere with each other. Xabi didn't feel obliged to do what he's supposed to do as Mikel's boyfriend anymore, but what he really wanted to do. And it felt so great, he felt light like the weight was lifted off his shoulders. He felt a bit guilty about it but squashed the unpleasant feeling down. Wouldn't it be great that finally they could act the way they want? No more pretending, no more masquerading, no more impressing one another. Love shouldn't make him feel burdened, shouldn't make anyone feel forced, he understood that now. You shouldn't try to make it work, if it works, then it works, and if it doesn't, then no one could force it. He tried to stick to the theories of love just too much before: birds of a feather or the attraction of the opposites or whatever. Despite chemistry, two people wouldn't mean anything to one another if that one element didn't occur of its own accord, without manipulation and obligation, the element which is 'love'.
As Xabi looked into Mikel's eyes and saw the hazily complacent honesty he had never seen in there before, he knew he had done the right thing.
***
D: Do you believe in destiny?
B: Yes, I think. If it isn't for destiny, why do we meet a particular someone but not others?
C: Why don't you think it’s random? The one sitting here could have been you or anybody else. Does it really matter?
B: Are you saying I don't matter?
C: For Christ's sake, you're matter as much as I am!
D: If it's not for destiny, why do we cross paths with a particular someone over and over again?
A: Who are you talking about? Now you make me wanna know about that 'particular someone'.
C: What's your opinion then? Does destiny mean to you more than chemistry?
D: In this case, yes.
A: Wow, that's surprising coming from you, Xabi who reveres sciences more than anything else actually says he believes in fates, which are scientifically unproven, rather than some laws of attractions.
Xabi: Love has no laws, and is not sciences.
C: Some, like me, will say that the feelings of love can be detected as distinctive patterns of electrical activity in the brain.
Xabi: Yes, but that's what happened when you're already in love. We're talking about before that event, what triggered love?
C: I'd say opposites attract and complement each other, like Yin and Yang.
Xabi: Not in every single case, no. From my experience, I could say that that's a controversial hypothesis, as well as birds of a feather flocking together. There's no rule of falling in love.
B: What's your assumption then?
Xabi: I'm telling you now that there's no exact theory of this universe's deepest mystery, there's no right or wrong about love, no universal law of affection, no equation of heart. Each love is unique, and since it cannot be explained by science, it is magic.
E: If you put it like that, let me ask you a question, do you believe in love at first sight?
B: Hey, who are you?!
A: David?! How can you get in here?!
David: Oh, please, Iker, do you really think you can get away from me?
***
"Iker, won't you listen to me for a second?!" David gnarled frustratingly at the Spaniard who'd been turning away from him all day. Iker won't talk to him, had ignored him completely like he’s nothing but air. And he's so tired of this game, he just wanted his Iker back, come on.
But Iker didn't agree to this and didn't indulge David anymore. He's hurt but he still tried and tried, hoping that eventually Iker would succumb, but he didn't. And by the end of the day, David was fatigued and as he’s having dinner date with Victoria, his mind was somewhere else most of the time.
The next day, he tried again, but Iker acted the same as yesterday, no matter what he said or did, Iker didn't show any sign that he noticed. David knew what he's doing and also knew that he's being selfish once again, but he just couldn't lose Iker. He's the only one that could keep him right. He knew this excuse was getting old but that was the truth and he'd never lied when he said he felt like he lost his mind a bit when Iker's not right by his side, their dynamics were like that from the start and he'd never questioned what it meant. But now, now that he saw everything more clearly, he kind of understood it,
He loved Iker. Like, he's 'in love' with Iker. Had been for a long, long time.
But he also loved Victoria, at least that's what he thought, though she came later. Could a person love two people at the same time? Iker said that it couldn't be, that it's wrong, but what would he expect him to do? Breaking up with Victoria? How could he do that to her? That would be so wrong since she'd done nothing wrong.
But the more Iker ignored him, the more he felt like getting closer to losing his mind.
Days passed into weeks, the more an hour ticked by, the nearer he got to insanity.
One day, he hit up Álvaro's place and got drunk on purpose. Álvaro didn't even ask him much since he'd seen everything everyday even if he didn't want to.
"If you're going to ask me what to do - well, even though you aren't, I’d tell you anyway - I would say I can't decide for you," as the evening wore on and they'd had quite a full bottle of beer each, Álvaro said that out of the cramped silence. "Love for everyone is different but there's one thing I know, and it has to be common, one can't be in love with two at the same time." He toyed with his empty beer bottle, didn't look at David while the other also stared at the television but didn't actually see anything. "David, dude, you need to choose."
David didn't ask how he knew about that, but as he left Álvaro's house at dusk, he'd made up his mind.
He chooses Victoria.
***
Cesc woke up to find Gerard still in bed with him. The morning shaft of sunlight that poured in through the window fell on Gerard's sleeping countenance making Cesc's heart beat rapturously like he had just found a lifeboat under a beacon, Cesc just wished he could be his savior. He looked at Gerard for quite some time, light danced on the other boy's baby face glowing his skin bright. He held out his hand to touch Gerard's lips lightly, the sensations of last night's kiss still vivid in his mind, his heart raced faster, and that's when Gerard opened his eyes.
Cesc snatched his hand back so fast in reflex.
Gerard looked at him, and Cesc could keep their eye contact for just a couple of seconds before he had to look away, afraid that the depth of his stare would betray too much for his liking.
Silence started to become really uncomfortable when Gerard finally asked, "What are you thinking about?"
What kind of question was that?! Cesc's heart was still beating like crazy.
"Don't you have to go to Barcelona?"
It's practically the question that nagged him since last night and the first thing he could think of when he’s asked.
Gerard stared at him. "Do you want me to leave?"
Fuck, no, that's not what he meant! "Don't you have to?"
"I've cancelled the trip."
"What?" Cesc’s eyes snapped back to Gerard's.
"I can't leave you alone," he answered slowly, "when everything is this messed up."
"You don't have to cancel the trip. What will Lionel think?"
"Who cares?"
That took Cesc aback. He stared at Gerard, trying to find a grain of truth in those words. Gerard didn’t sway and Cesc wondered what he's thinking behind those eyes. "What are you trying to do?" His voice was ice-cold.
Gerard looked at him for a couple of seconds more before steering his eyes away. His arms were still around Cesc’s smaller body since last night and Cesc had no idea of their presence around him until Gerard made him aware of it by tightening the embrace. Cesc stiffened. They lay still, Cesc’s body was rigid while Gerard evaluated the situation. Then the taller Catalan slowly leaned closer, nuzzled against Cesc’s neck which had him completely paralyzed, hot breaths on his skin sending him shiver.
What the hell is going on here?!
"I'm trying to fix things," Gerard mumbled, kissing his neck softly, hot lips burnt his flesh and Cesc understood nothing.
"Fix what?"
"Us."
The word wasn't that clear being murmured against his skin and Cesc's mind spun. A part of his brain told him to push Gerard away, that this is too confusing and he needs space and Gerard couldn't simply do this, but the other part told him that it's okay of course, Gerard is his friend and he's just trying to console him.
And if they don't fix 'us' right now, how would he be able to get up and live another day?
He'd just lost Arsenal, he didn't think he could stand to lose Gerard to someone else's arms right at the moment.
Gerard kissed Cesc's neck again, nibbled the soft skin which sent the other boy tingle from head to toes. Cesc squeezed his eyes shut, his hands caught Gerard's forearms, half-pushing, half-holding him there while fighting with himself whether to keep the moment like this or break it. Gerard's hands roamed over his back and the gesture sent heat to shoot straight to his groin. Cesc stiffened, but it wasn't until his friend's hand landed on his butt that he suddenly pushed him away.
"Gery, that's enough," the boy panted, his heart beat so fast like he'd been running for miles even though in reality he just lay there, being led on by his friend who didn't really think of him more than anything but a pathetic gay boy who fell in love with his best friend albeit knowing better. What he doesn't understand is what the fuck Gerard is playing at? He shuddered, if this was all a joke, it should stop right fucking now.
But Gerard didn't take any of it, he grabbed Cesc's nape, hauled him close and crushed their lips together.
Cesc was in no shape to fight the bigger boy at all, though he shoved, hit, and even kicked. Gerard manacled both of Cesc's wrists in one hand to restrain all the attacks, whispering solace in his ears, "It’s okay, Cesc. You don't have to be scared."
But Cesc still fought, though not with all his might. He bit Gerard's lower lip and tasted the steely flavor of blood, he begged Gerard to stop that he almost sobbed, but Gerard simply turned him over with one flip, locked Cesc under his body while the other lay helplessly on his stomach. He still captured Cesc's wrists in one hand, this time behind his back, while he bend down to nibble the tip of Cesc's ear. "Cesc, please," he whispered.
Cesc was petrified.
Because after all these, Gerard's voice still quivered, and suddenly Cesc stopped all the struggles. Though his body still shook uncontrollably from both exhaustion and fear, his mind was slowly placated. The wayward and rather stupid part of his heart told him it's alright, the other part with a lot higher intelligence thrashed around and screamed desperately.
"Cesc," Gerard pleaded faintly and kissed down Cesc's spine while his hands worked with Cesc's pajamas bottom. Cesc stiffened, struggled faintly, his wrists were still held captive. Taking off his bottom roughly, Gerard worked his way to Cesc's entrance. Biting his lip, Cesc held his breath and gasped when Gerard pushed his fingers in.
It didn't hurt much when Gerard entered him, he didn't know where Gerard got the lube and he might be gotten used to being penetrated from the past week and it made him sad, because a nostalgic part of him still wished Gerard was his first. But it was too late.
It's rough and fast and kind of happened in a blur, like everything didn't actually register to his just-waking-up numb mind. Gerard grunted, panted his name in his ear over and over as he moved. Cesc swore and almost screamed aloud as the rhythm got frantic. He climaxed before Gerard, seeds splattered all over the sheets, his stomach and his shirt. The spasm of his body affected Gerard that only a couple of thrusts more, he came.
As they lay panting, Gerard still on top of him and hadn't pulled away, a hundred questions ran through Cesc's mind, mostly starting with 'why'. Why did you do this? What about Lionel? What about Robin? Is it because you don't want to lose me? Do you think of me as more than just a friend? If so, why didn't you tell me, talk to me before? Why didn't you come sooner? Why didn't you fight for me before? Why let everything happen to an extent beyond repair? You said you want to fix us, Gerard, has it ever occurred to you that there are things that cannot be mended: broken relationship like shattered glasses?
Cesc felt something warm drop from the corner of his eyes. He didn't know what to do, he disgusted himself, he didn't think he liked Robin anymore and he hated Gerard who made him being like this even more: being this ruined fragment of bones, rotten chunk of flesh, worthless piece of shit, all of those irremediable, neither by Gerard nor anyone else,
Because it’s just too fucking late.
***
'The Lyman series of hydrogen spectrum lies in what region?'
Xabi stared at his phone and a lot of things ran through his mind at the same time. Mr. Anonymous. He'd already broken up with Mikel. Though with Mr. X they didn't have that kind of relationship, hell, they didn't have any kind of relationship at all but still they couldn't keep doing this. If whatever they had did make any senses, he didn't think he should give him any hope anymore when nothing was ever going to come of it. 'They' would never happen anyway when right now there's Steven Gerrard in the equation.
Xabi thought he should just tell Mr. X his decision, he should end this once and for all, whatever it was. He realized he might miss those texts a bit after this, those puzzles he used to wait for every day. They triggered his mind and excited his brain, but just only in the beginning. It's getting old quite fast, or maybe he lost interest in it just because Mr. X wasn’t Steven.
That simple.
And he should clear everything up before he made further move with Steven. He'd yet to ask the Scouser of course, but he thought it wouldn't be fair to anyone. He who hunts two hares leaves one and loses the other, and he even hunted three at first. He had been a selfish git long enough.
'Hey,' so he typed back. 'I don't know who u r but I appreciate everything u've done 2 me. So thank u.' He hit the message send, then, 'but we might have 2 stop this now.'
He waited, five minutes then there popped a reply. 'Is this because of Arteta?'
'No, I broke up with Arteta.'
'Oh.' Then there's silence for quite a long time, before, 'u have a new boyfriend then.'
Xabi felt guilty, but not by much. He'd prepared for this and he'd be honest to him though he didn't even know who he was. 'Kind of, yeah.'
'Don't u want 2 know who I am?'
That question took the Basque off guard, his heart beat fast. Of course he wondered who Mr. X was, always, but it didn't matter anymore though it must be nice to know the answer to this unresolved enigma. 'I want 2, of course,' he replied.
'Then we shall meet.'
'But u have to understand that this thing between us will have 2 end eventually. I'm so sorry but I can't keep on talking 2 u anymore.'
'So we have 1 more reason 2 meet up then, that's how we end this game perfectly. ;)'
Xabi stared at the message and realized that it's true, this was the only way that they should end this play. If they didn't meet now, he would wonder for the rest of his life who Mr. X was and it'd remain the deepest mystery he'd never find out in this life.
'Same place, same time?' He typed.
'Perfect,' Mr. X typed back.
To be continued in Chapter 20.
.
Authors: fernedakki
Pairing: Daniel Agger / Fernando Torres, Steven Gerrard / Xabi Alonso, David Beckham / Iker Casillas, Gerard Piqué / Cesc Fabregas
Rating: NC-17 (This part)
Genre: AU / Romance
Word Count: 4,292 Words
Disclaimer: This is not real.
Summary: Do you know what love is? Why do humans fall in love? Do we all have 'soul mate' waiting for us? What does it take for one to love another? Does 'love at first sight' really exist?
David Beckham will court Victoria Adams with Iker Casillas' help. Gerard Piqué will conduct an experiment because he has this bullshit love theory about dogs. Fernando Torres loves piano and hates Daniel Agger. And Xabi Alonso has this penchant of solving every mystery in the world.
Their journeys through the teenage years will lead you to the discovery of the biggest conundrum in the universe, and back.
Previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18
A/N: I'm sorry for disappearing, again. We're drawing to a close now: only 3 chapters left and I'd already finished all of them! YESSS!!!
Please feedback.
The $64,000 Conundrum
Chapter 19
"Fernando, your friend Martin is here."
Fernando raised his brow. Martin? What Martin? He doesn't have a friend named Martin. The Spaniard got up off the bed, mostly out of curiosity, and strode down the stairs.
The boy he met in the living room was unexpected.
"Martin?" Fernando blurted out in surprise, his guard was up immediately. It's Martin Škrtel, friend of Daniel Agger. "What are you doing here?!" He asked then realized that it wouldn't be wise if his family heard the conversation. The blonde looked around nervously and felt a bit relieved that no one's in the proximity.
"Hi, Nando." The Slovak smiled brightly at him, though Fernando found it a bit predatory, with Martin's looks and demeanor. "You haven't been to practice lately," he stated.
Actually Fernando hadn't been to practice at all. After that day he’d fought with Agger, the Spaniard ignored him completely. The Dane had tried to talk to him at school but Fernando acted like he's invisible. He came to his house but the blonde refused to meet him. He tried calling him from time to time but Fernando had never picked up the calls.
It’d been almost a week, and Agger kept trying until Fernando almost caved in, just almost. And then Martin showed up on his doorsteps. "Did Agger send you?"
"Agger?" Martin raised his brow, sitting in a couch. "You go by his last name these days?"
"I always go by his last name." The Spaniard crossed his arms, didn't sit down. "What do you want?"
"He misses you," Martin stated matter-of-factly, looking at the blonde to observe his reaction. Fernando raised his brow.
"Did he say so?"
"He didn't, but if you know him enough, he said it in his silence." Here we go again, the thing about saying without saying that Agger's so good at. He's just so sick of it. "I thought you knew him enough," Martin pointed out.
"We don't anymore." Fernando glared at him.
"Why not?"
"Well, to make it clear, Agger doesn't miss me, he misses my skills," the blonde sneered.
"That's not true. He dragged you into our band because he wanted you to be near. I don't know how you became his friend in the first place but you surely mean something to him. I've never seen him like this, he's crazy for you."
"No, he doesn't!" Fernando snapped. He just wanted me because I could be what he wanted me to be, he's in love with my potentiality, not with me. The Spaniard felt something constrict in his chest. "Why are you here really?"
"Well, to tell the truth, not only Danny that misses you." Martin grinned mischievously. "We are all waiting for our guitarist."
"You don't need me, you already have Agger."
"We need two guitarists."
"No, you don't. That's redundant."
"Seriously, Nando, I came here to plead you and you're rejecting me?"
"That's what I'm doing, yes." Fernando pressed his lips. "I won't play for the band, tell Agger that he can find someone else. And if that's all, I think we're done now."
Christmas came and went, Agger texted him wishes but Fernando never replied. Other than that, everything went back to normal, Fernando practiced piano and played football with his friends after class. Agger tried to talk to him a couple of times more but he didn't really try that hard and Fernando was disappointed because he'd never got a proper apology from him though it might be because he’d never given him a chance. But from his experience, Agger would never say it even if Fernando had given him that chance, it all came down to a game of equivocation. As days turned into months, Agger had stopped trying and it's just like that that they didn't talk to each other anymore.
***
He can't keep on doing this anymore, he just can't.
Xabi had been sneaking out with Steven for a couple of weeks and he knew it's wrong, but he didn't have the courage to tell the truth to Mikel, yet. Mikel didn't ask, though he had suspicions in his dark eyes, he unwillingly let Xabi go to wherever he went every time Xabi asked to. Other than that, they still abided by the routine, Mikel still picked him up every morning but Xabi never had breakfast at Mikel's place anymore. After class, some days he played football with Mikel's friends or had dinner with him, but some days he also excused himself early to run some errands. He couldn't say he wanted to go home though because then Mikel would accompany him home. No, Xabi didn't actually want to go home and Mikel couldn't know that.
But Mikel wasn't a fool, Xabi knew he knew something was off but he'd never said it. There's always something flickering in his eyes every time he suspected Xabi was lying and Xabi always felt chills run down his spine every time he saw that.
Then one day, he decided he couldn't keep on being a cheater anymore.
He's having dinner with Mikel at a quiet diner and the other Basque had been really quiet lately, they didn't really talk about anything anymore. They still kept their routine but just out of duty, Xabi just knew that Mikel would never be the one who broke it first. Even when he suspected anything, he'd never said a word. If there'd be anyone who ended this, it would have to be Xabi.
This is it, then, Xabi thought. His first actual relationship was about to end, he'd never thought it would end like this, and so soon, too. He thought that they'd be good together, they had something in common and Mikel could broaden his mind to the area he didn't know, anything but physics of course because Xabi’s quite certain that Mikel would never know better than him in this topic. No offence, he's just confident like that when it came to his favourite subject. But no, it didn't work out like he'd thought and he didn't think they should hold each other back anymore.
"Do you think we should break up?" Xabi asked, didn't look the other in the eyes.
Xabi didn't know whether Mikel had been expecting that. He looked mildly surprised, but not shocked. "You think so?" He looked at Xabi.
"Umm, yes," he murmured, still didn't look back at Mikel.
"Why?"
Why? Well, this is the tricky part. He didn't prepare any speech and he didn't want to lie, not anymore. "It would never work out, between us," he said in a low voice.
"Do you have someone else?"
Xabi knew this would come eventually, sooner rather than later. As he said, he didn't want to lie again. "I met someone whom I knew three years ago. Apparently he's in Madrid right now." He didn't want to say any further. Mikel raised his brow.
"So he’s your ex?"
"We didn't have an actual relationship back at the time, I'm still too young to realize what we had between us. And the period was too short, I met him when I went to a science summer camp in England."
"So he's a Brit?" Mikel didn’t sound that much surprised.
"Yeah."
"You like him then?"
"I think so." This time he looked up at his boyfriend, to show him sincerity. "I'd never thought I would ever meet him again, with me in Spain and him in Liverpool. We'd even lost contact but then I ran into him in town and we were really surprised. That's how we caught up again."
"All these past weeks when you said you had to run errands with your mom, did you go out with him?"
Xabi swallowed hard. "Yes," he whispered low.
"Umm, I thought so." He crossed his arms over his chest and sat back in his chair. "I'm not an idiot, you know?"
"I know, and I've never thought you're an idiot or anything, Mikel," Xabi rushed to say.
"Then why did you lie to me? You thought I would buy you and never find out?" His voice sounded hurtful and Xabi felt so ashamed, he blushed in disgrace.
"No, I..." He took in a deep breath when he realized he didn't have an answer for this. "I'm so sorry, Mikel," was what he said.
Mikel stared at him like he couldn't believe that Xabi would just easily admit his wrongdoing: no excuses, no alibis. Right now, he didn't know which he preferred more: truth or lies.
"I forgive you," Mikel said at last. Though he felt his heart ache, he also felt relieved that eventually one of them voiced this out and they actually talked about it.
"Thanks." Xabi looked at him. Mikel smiled, and his eyes smiled with him so Xabi smiled, too, because right now that they had taken out their masks, they could be actually sincere with each other. Xabi didn't feel obliged to do what he's supposed to do as Mikel's boyfriend anymore, but what he really wanted to do. And it felt so great, he felt light like the weight was lifted off his shoulders. He felt a bit guilty about it but squashed the unpleasant feeling down. Wouldn't it be great that finally they could act the way they want? No more pretending, no more masquerading, no more impressing one another. Love shouldn't make him feel burdened, shouldn't make anyone feel forced, he understood that now. You shouldn't try to make it work, if it works, then it works, and if it doesn't, then no one could force it. He tried to stick to the theories of love just too much before: birds of a feather or the attraction of the opposites or whatever. Despite chemistry, two people wouldn't mean anything to one another if that one element didn't occur of its own accord, without manipulation and obligation, the element which is 'love'.
As Xabi looked into Mikel's eyes and saw the hazily complacent honesty he had never seen in there before, he knew he had done the right thing.
***
D: Do you believe in destiny?
B: Yes, I think. If it isn't for destiny, why do we meet a particular someone but not others?
C: Why don't you think it’s random? The one sitting here could have been you or anybody else. Does it really matter?
B: Are you saying I don't matter?
C: For Christ's sake, you're matter as much as I am!
D: If it's not for destiny, why do we cross paths with a particular someone over and over again?
A: Who are you talking about? Now you make me wanna know about that 'particular someone'.
C: What's your opinion then? Does destiny mean to you more than chemistry?
D: In this case, yes.
A: Wow, that's surprising coming from you, Xabi who reveres sciences more than anything else actually says he believes in fates, which are scientifically unproven, rather than some laws of attractions.
Xabi: Love has no laws, and is not sciences.
C: Some, like me, will say that the feelings of love can be detected as distinctive patterns of electrical activity in the brain.
Xabi: Yes, but that's what happened when you're already in love. We're talking about before that event, what triggered love?
C: I'd say opposites attract and complement each other, like Yin and Yang.
Xabi: Not in every single case, no. From my experience, I could say that that's a controversial hypothesis, as well as birds of a feather flocking together. There's no rule of falling in love.
B: What's your assumption then?
Xabi: I'm telling you now that there's no exact theory of this universe's deepest mystery, there's no right or wrong about love, no universal law of affection, no equation of heart. Each love is unique, and since it cannot be explained by science, it is magic.
E: If you put it like that, let me ask you a question, do you believe in love at first sight?
B: Hey, who are you?!
A: David?! How can you get in here?!
David: Oh, please, Iker, do you really think you can get away from me?
***
"Iker, won't you listen to me for a second?!" David gnarled frustratingly at the Spaniard who'd been turning away from him all day. Iker won't talk to him, had ignored him completely like he’s nothing but air. And he's so tired of this game, he just wanted his Iker back, come on.
But Iker didn't agree to this and didn't indulge David anymore. He's hurt but he still tried and tried, hoping that eventually Iker would succumb, but he didn't. And by the end of the day, David was fatigued and as he’s having dinner date with Victoria, his mind was somewhere else most of the time.
The next day, he tried again, but Iker acted the same as yesterday, no matter what he said or did, Iker didn't show any sign that he noticed. David knew what he's doing and also knew that he's being selfish once again, but he just couldn't lose Iker. He's the only one that could keep him right. He knew this excuse was getting old but that was the truth and he'd never lied when he said he felt like he lost his mind a bit when Iker's not right by his side, their dynamics were like that from the start and he'd never questioned what it meant. But now, now that he saw everything more clearly, he kind of understood it,
He loved Iker. Like, he's 'in love' with Iker. Had been for a long, long time.
But he also loved Victoria, at least that's what he thought, though she came later. Could a person love two people at the same time? Iker said that it couldn't be, that it's wrong, but what would he expect him to do? Breaking up with Victoria? How could he do that to her? That would be so wrong since she'd done nothing wrong.
But the more Iker ignored him, the more he felt like getting closer to losing his mind.
Days passed into weeks, the more an hour ticked by, the nearer he got to insanity.
One day, he hit up Álvaro's place and got drunk on purpose. Álvaro didn't even ask him much since he'd seen everything everyday even if he didn't want to.
"If you're going to ask me what to do - well, even though you aren't, I’d tell you anyway - I would say I can't decide for you," as the evening wore on and they'd had quite a full bottle of beer each, Álvaro said that out of the cramped silence. "Love for everyone is different but there's one thing I know, and it has to be common, one can't be in love with two at the same time." He toyed with his empty beer bottle, didn't look at David while the other also stared at the television but didn't actually see anything. "David, dude, you need to choose."
David didn't ask how he knew about that, but as he left Álvaro's house at dusk, he'd made up his mind.
He chooses Victoria.
***
Cesc woke up to find Gerard still in bed with him. The morning shaft of sunlight that poured in through the window fell on Gerard's sleeping countenance making Cesc's heart beat rapturously like he had just found a lifeboat under a beacon, Cesc just wished he could be his savior. He looked at Gerard for quite some time, light danced on the other boy's baby face glowing his skin bright. He held out his hand to touch Gerard's lips lightly, the sensations of last night's kiss still vivid in his mind, his heart raced faster, and that's when Gerard opened his eyes.
Cesc snatched his hand back so fast in reflex.
Gerard looked at him, and Cesc could keep their eye contact for just a couple of seconds before he had to look away, afraid that the depth of his stare would betray too much for his liking.
Silence started to become really uncomfortable when Gerard finally asked, "What are you thinking about?"
What kind of question was that?! Cesc's heart was still beating like crazy.
"Don't you have to go to Barcelona?"
It's practically the question that nagged him since last night and the first thing he could think of when he’s asked.
Gerard stared at him. "Do you want me to leave?"
Fuck, no, that's not what he meant! "Don't you have to?"
"I've cancelled the trip."
"What?" Cesc’s eyes snapped back to Gerard's.
"I can't leave you alone," he answered slowly, "when everything is this messed up."
"You don't have to cancel the trip. What will Lionel think?"
"Who cares?"
That took Cesc aback. He stared at Gerard, trying to find a grain of truth in those words. Gerard didn’t sway and Cesc wondered what he's thinking behind those eyes. "What are you trying to do?" His voice was ice-cold.
Gerard looked at him for a couple of seconds more before steering his eyes away. His arms were still around Cesc’s smaller body since last night and Cesc had no idea of their presence around him until Gerard made him aware of it by tightening the embrace. Cesc stiffened. They lay still, Cesc’s body was rigid while Gerard evaluated the situation. Then the taller Catalan slowly leaned closer, nuzzled against Cesc’s neck which had him completely paralyzed, hot breaths on his skin sending him shiver.
What the hell is going on here?!
"I'm trying to fix things," Gerard mumbled, kissing his neck softly, hot lips burnt his flesh and Cesc understood nothing.
"Fix what?"
"Us."
The word wasn't that clear being murmured against his skin and Cesc's mind spun. A part of his brain told him to push Gerard away, that this is too confusing and he needs space and Gerard couldn't simply do this, but the other part told him that it's okay of course, Gerard is his friend and he's just trying to console him.
And if they don't fix 'us' right now, how would he be able to get up and live another day?
He'd just lost Arsenal, he didn't think he could stand to lose Gerard to someone else's arms right at the moment.
Gerard kissed Cesc's neck again, nibbled the soft skin which sent the other boy tingle from head to toes. Cesc squeezed his eyes shut, his hands caught Gerard's forearms, half-pushing, half-holding him there while fighting with himself whether to keep the moment like this or break it. Gerard's hands roamed over his back and the gesture sent heat to shoot straight to his groin. Cesc stiffened, but it wasn't until his friend's hand landed on his butt that he suddenly pushed him away.
"Gery, that's enough," the boy panted, his heart beat so fast like he'd been running for miles even though in reality he just lay there, being led on by his friend who didn't really think of him more than anything but a pathetic gay boy who fell in love with his best friend albeit knowing better. What he doesn't understand is what the fuck Gerard is playing at? He shuddered, if this was all a joke, it should stop right fucking now.
But Gerard didn't take any of it, he grabbed Cesc's nape, hauled him close and crushed their lips together.
Cesc was in no shape to fight the bigger boy at all, though he shoved, hit, and even kicked. Gerard manacled both of Cesc's wrists in one hand to restrain all the attacks, whispering solace in his ears, "It’s okay, Cesc. You don't have to be scared."
But Cesc still fought, though not with all his might. He bit Gerard's lower lip and tasted the steely flavor of blood, he begged Gerard to stop that he almost sobbed, but Gerard simply turned him over with one flip, locked Cesc under his body while the other lay helplessly on his stomach. He still captured Cesc's wrists in one hand, this time behind his back, while he bend down to nibble the tip of Cesc's ear. "Cesc, please," he whispered.
Cesc was petrified.
Because after all these, Gerard's voice still quivered, and suddenly Cesc stopped all the struggles. Though his body still shook uncontrollably from both exhaustion and fear, his mind was slowly placated. The wayward and rather stupid part of his heart told him it's alright, the other part with a lot higher intelligence thrashed around and screamed desperately.
"Cesc," Gerard pleaded faintly and kissed down Cesc's spine while his hands worked with Cesc's pajamas bottom. Cesc stiffened, struggled faintly, his wrists were still held captive. Taking off his bottom roughly, Gerard worked his way to Cesc's entrance. Biting his lip, Cesc held his breath and gasped when Gerard pushed his fingers in.
It didn't hurt much when Gerard entered him, he didn't know where Gerard got the lube and he might be gotten used to being penetrated from the past week and it made him sad, because a nostalgic part of him still wished Gerard was his first. But it was too late.
It's rough and fast and kind of happened in a blur, like everything didn't actually register to his just-waking-up numb mind. Gerard grunted, panted his name in his ear over and over as he moved. Cesc swore and almost screamed aloud as the rhythm got frantic. He climaxed before Gerard, seeds splattered all over the sheets, his stomach and his shirt. The spasm of his body affected Gerard that only a couple of thrusts more, he came.
As they lay panting, Gerard still on top of him and hadn't pulled away, a hundred questions ran through Cesc's mind, mostly starting with 'why'. Why did you do this? What about Lionel? What about Robin? Is it because you don't want to lose me? Do you think of me as more than just a friend? If so, why didn't you tell me, talk to me before? Why didn't you come sooner? Why didn't you fight for me before? Why let everything happen to an extent beyond repair? You said you want to fix us, Gerard, has it ever occurred to you that there are things that cannot be mended: broken relationship like shattered glasses?
Cesc felt something warm drop from the corner of his eyes. He didn't know what to do, he disgusted himself, he didn't think he liked Robin anymore and he hated Gerard who made him being like this even more: being this ruined fragment of bones, rotten chunk of flesh, worthless piece of shit, all of those irremediable, neither by Gerard nor anyone else,
Because it’s just too fucking late.
***
'The Lyman series of hydrogen spectrum lies in what region?'
Xabi stared at his phone and a lot of things ran through his mind at the same time. Mr. Anonymous. He'd already broken up with Mikel. Though with Mr. X they didn't have that kind of relationship, hell, they didn't have any kind of relationship at all but still they couldn't keep doing this. If whatever they had did make any senses, he didn't think he should give him any hope anymore when nothing was ever going to come of it. 'They' would never happen anyway when right now there's Steven Gerrard in the equation.
Xabi thought he should just tell Mr. X his decision, he should end this once and for all, whatever it was. He realized he might miss those texts a bit after this, those puzzles he used to wait for every day. They triggered his mind and excited his brain, but just only in the beginning. It's getting old quite fast, or maybe he lost interest in it just because Mr. X wasn’t Steven.
That simple.
And he should clear everything up before he made further move with Steven. He'd yet to ask the Scouser of course, but he thought it wouldn't be fair to anyone. He who hunts two hares leaves one and loses the other, and he even hunted three at first. He had been a selfish git long enough.
'Hey,' so he typed back. 'I don't know who u r but I appreciate everything u've done 2 me. So thank u.' He hit the message send, then, 'but we might have 2 stop this now.'
He waited, five minutes then there popped a reply. 'Is this because of Arteta?'
'No, I broke up with Arteta.'
'Oh.' Then there's silence for quite a long time, before, 'u have a new boyfriend then.'
Xabi felt guilty, but not by much. He'd prepared for this and he'd be honest to him though he didn't even know who he was. 'Kind of, yeah.'
'Don't u want 2 know who I am?'
That question took the Basque off guard, his heart beat fast. Of course he wondered who Mr. X was, always, but it didn't matter anymore though it must be nice to know the answer to this unresolved enigma. 'I want 2, of course,' he replied.
'Then we shall meet.'
'But u have to understand that this thing between us will have 2 end eventually. I'm so sorry but I can't keep on talking 2 u anymore.'
'So we have 1 more reason 2 meet up then, that's how we end this game perfectly. ;)'
Xabi stared at the message and realized that it's true, this was the only way that they should end this play. If they didn't meet now, he would wonder for the rest of his life who Mr. X was and it'd remain the deepest mystery he'd never find out in this life.
'Same place, same time?' He typed.
'Perfect,' Mr. X typed back.
To be continued in Chapter 20.
.