Deathly Hallows uberwank: complete chapter list
The Deathly Hallows Uberwank
by fera_festiva
Being a complete review and recap from a very jaded fan's perspective of the seventh Harry Potter book
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
~ or ~
What Harry did on his gap year
Chapter list
Chapter one: The dark lord ascending. In which Voldemort and the death eaters enjoy an evening of nibbles and light music.
Chapter two: In memoriam. In which Harry emos and reads the paper.
Chapter three: The Dursleys departing. In which the Dursleys depart.
Chapter four: The seven Potters. In which the clone wars begin.
Chapter five: Fallen warrior. In which we throw the horns in salute of a mighty brother of metal.
- Bonus material! You can hear the earliest known recording of Constant Vigilance, the song which eventually made Cruciatus - Mad-Eye Moody's death metal band - as well-known as they are today, over here courtesy of evil_underlord.
Chapter six: The ghoul in pyjamas. In which some other stuff happens.
Chapter seven: The will of Albus Dumbledore. In which Harry explains to Ginny that he never liked sand because it's not soft like her ass is.
Chapter eight: The wedding. In which an event takes place.
Chapter nine: A place to hide. In which our intrepid trio visit a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and are required to be cautious.
Chapter ten: Kreacher's tale. In which Kreacher tells a tale. w00t!
Chapter eleven: The bribe. Oh, Remus...
Chapter twelve: Magic is might. In which the kids visit a disused building, a toilet, and an elevator.
Chapter thirteen: The muggle-born registration commission. In which Yaxley is all like, Come back, Potter, you WANKER!
Chapter fourteen: The thief. In which three go mad in Dorset and I lose the will to live.
Chapter fifteen: The goblin's revenge. In which there is bahleetion and flouncing and Ron leaves the fandom!
Chapter sixteen: Godric's Hollow. The Harry Potter holiday special! Starring Dan Radcliffe as Luke Skywalker. Rupert Grint as Han Solo. Emma Watson as Princess Leia...
Chapter seventeen: Bathilda's secret. In which I fangirl a variety of things, none of which is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
Chapter eighteen: The life and lies of Albus Dumbledore. Which is less of a review/recap/wank and really more of a stream of consciousness and wandering off on to tangents, but oh well.
Chapter nineteen: The silver doe. In which Ron caves and gets an IJ. Contains a moderately explicit handjob.
Chapter twenty: Xenophilius Lovegood. In which bugger all happens and I am reduced to embellishing the chapter with exciting pictures.
Chapter twenty-one: The tale of the three brothers. In which Xenophilius Lovegood rambles on about a load of complete rubbish and I get really frustrated and cut him to pieces through the use of sharpened logic and too much time on my hands.
Chapter twenty-two: The deathly hallows. In which Harry talks shit and then they all listen to the radio.
Chapter twenty-three: Malfoy manor. In which Hermione is... *shudder*... barely legal, Wormtail fails Voldemort for the last time, Draco reflects on lost opportunities, and Dobby takes one for the team.
Chapter twenty-four: The wandmaker. In which there are melodramatic musings on the meaning of love or some shit like that.
Chapter twenty-five: Shell cottage. In which the very first Big Bad Baby Name of the book makes its debut!
Chapter twenty-six: Gringotts. In which some ethical questions are raised.
Chapter twenty-seven: The final hiding place. In which Fera starts reflecting on The Experience of Writing - run! Run! Navel-gazing!
Chapter twenty-eight: The missing mirror. In which Aberforth Dumbledore finally starts dealing with some of his issues.
Chapter twenty-nine: The lost diadem. In which Neville is Luke Skywalker, I guess?
- Bonus material! nk_aoede's illustration of Ginny vs Cho wins the internet.
- Moar bonus material (of sorts)! matt_writer's fic, Buying Cho, explores Ginny's relationship with Cho and, in fact, the rest of the world. It's either very funny or mildly disturbing. Part 1 | Part 2
Chapter thirty: The sacking of Severus Snape. In which Snape would like to make it clear that he wasn't sacked, actually. He quit.
Chapter thirty-one: The battle of Hogwarts. In which there is H/D and the Star Wars moments start coming thick and fast.
Chapter thirty-two: The elder wand. Children's hour, apparently.
Chapter thirty-three: The prince's tale. In which I demonstrate that, really, there was a reason all those mean girls picked on me in high school.
Chapter thirty-four: The forest again. In which it sucks to be Harry.
Chapter thirty-five: King's Cross. In which Dumbledore, somewhat predictably, Explains It All.
Chapter thirty-six: The flaw in the plan. In which we learn that violence is, in fact, the answer. Except when it isn't. Nobody's really clear on this one, if I'm honest.
Epilogue: Nineteen years later. In which Arthur Fonzarelli puts on a lifejacket and a pair of waterskis.
And, finally... The Uberwank Awards!
Refs and Recs
- Other places of interest or inspiration.
Harry Potter and the Brisket Loaf - evil_underlord's much more badass alternative to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. When Professor Robert Langdon of Harvard University arrives at Hogwarts, it spells hilarious consequences... or grand adventures... well, explosions, if nothing else. Also contains McGonagall/Hooch and the Death Eaters in a Pizza Hut.
Wizard People, Dear Reader - Brad Neely's alternative soundtrack to the first Harry Potter movie. Contains Cribbage, Dazzler and many uses of the fuck-word. A vast improvement to Chris Columbus's wankstain directorial style and pissbucket cinematography. Here's a clip, in which Harry sees Platform 9 3/4 for the first time.
HBP Spork - Fizzled out a while ago (annoyingly before the sporking of OotP, which I was due to participate in, got underway), but the archives are worth a read. In any case, it would be wrong of me not to link to this, since it was such an inspiration (and showed me it's OK to be a fan who takes the piss out of canon).
mike_smith's reviews of HBP, PoA, PS/SS and now DH are better than this is. Read them.
Fake HP book jackets from Pointless Waste of Time. Read your Harry Potter books in public without fear of ridicule or someone yelling, "Snape kills Dumbledore!" at you. (You laugh, but I have employed both Murder at Zero Feet and Death Hall for the purpose of, um, Uberwanking on trains.)
The small print
The Deathly Hallows Uberwank is by fera_festiva. Do not steal. That said, it contains references, homages, quotes, and cheeky steals from all kinds of books, movies, TV shows, et cetera, including but not limited to: Star Wars (all the films, the holiday special and the odd bit of Extended Universe), Abigail's Party, the Legend of Zelda (in general), Cradle of Filth, the X-files, the Carry On films, Torchwood, X-Men, choose-your-own adventures, Benny Hill, Heroes, Die Hard, the Manic Street Preachers, the A-Team, Lord of the Rings, Barney the dinosaur, Watchmen, premiership football, Star Trek, Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar from Mitchell and Webb, Super Mario, 8 Mile, Kurt Vonnegut, the Incredible Hulk, TV Go Home, Brokeback Mountain, Wizard People Dear Reader, Garth Merenghi, Doctor Who, Modern Toss and, er, the Lion King. Oh, and Harry Potter. I own none of it and am far too poor to be worth suing.
The Deathly Hallows Uberwank contains high levels of creative profanity, in particular variations on the word "fuck"; scenes of a violent and/or sexual nature; potentially dangerous levels of sarcasm; extreme character-bashing; complete disregard for Bellisario's Maxim and fanwank of the highest degree. Please don't read it if you're of a nervous disposition or too young to be looking at this kind of thing.
Cheers.