Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 5, Fallen Warrior
This chapter is called "Fallen Warrior" because Mad-Eye Moody, we discover, has died. The strange thing is this - back in the day, Moody played bass and sang in a grindcore death metal band called Cruciatus. Their biggest-selling and best-known song was "Constant Vigilance", which reached number 19 in the UK chart in 1985 and was massively popular amongst metal fans for years afterwards - considered a classic, really. Their third album was called Fallen Warrior, and featured cover art of the band lying as if dead on a battlefield wearing quasi-viking, quasi-medieval costumes. That's what makes his death so very sad and so bitterly ironic.
So, chapter opens with Harry struggling to get out of a pond, then passing out. Tonks's parents are wheeled on stage and off again, presumably so that we'll feel really sad when the dad, Ted, dies in chapter 22. We learn that Tonks's mum is known as "Dromeda", which makes me think of a dromedary and is the third-worst nickname in this book. She looks a bit like Bellatrix. Her husband has a big belly. Once the Tonkses have had their few measly minutes in the spotlight, Harry and Hagrid piss off back to the Burrow. They're the first ones back, even though they should have been third. Hagrid immediately downs an entire bottle of brandy. (I'm not making that up, that is actually in the book.)
Soon, Lupin and George show up with their arms around each other. George is unconscious and covered in blood and being held up by Lupin, but nonetheless I find myself genuinely shipping them, because I am a slash slut. They get George inside and discover that he's missing an ear. I can't decide, here, whether to make a Reservoir Dogs reference, or to make a comparison with Wedge Antilles going, "I'm hit! I can't stay with you!" during the destruction of the first Death Star in Star Wars. Wedge is cooler than George... but before we can discuss this in further detail, Lupin grabs Harry and starts yelling about the first time they were alone in Lupin's office at Hogwarts. Harry starts talking about how that was when they first realised their feelings for each other might be deeper than sensei and, uh... padawan, but Lupin's all like, "No, you dick, what animal did I have?" and Harry's like, "... Oh. A grindylow, but I can't believe that night means so little to you..." Lupin ignores him, and flips out at him for constantly using the disarming charm, since it gave him away tonight. He's got a point. OK, so I know Harry uses it at the end of this book and it works, but I thought the whole point was simply that the Elder Wand wouldn't work against its master - so Harry could have produced a wine-out-of-nowhere spell and had the same result. For such an allegedly hardcore hero, Harry knows remarkably few spells. Anyway, Lupin tells Harry to sort it out, dude, start stunning or even killing. However, as any fule kno, Harry is way too noble and pure of heart to kill a relative innocent. They argue for a while, but things calm down when Hermione and Kingsley show up, shaken but unscathed. They all discuss the fact that Voldemort can now fly. After a moment of quiet, sober thought on this topic, everyone bursts out laughing at Voldemort, flying about for no good reason like Neo in the Matrix sequels. Oh no, wait, that was me. During this scene and indeed chapter, Hagrid repeatedly gets stuck in the doorway, which becomes tiresome very quickly.
Next back are Fred and Arthur. George makes a crap joke based on holy/holey and having a missing ear, which Fred, quite rightly, pwns him for, and calls him a n00b. They wait around some more. Lots of talk about how they wait for ages and look at the starry sky and wait and wait.
Next back, Ron and Tonks. Ron is bowled over by a massive hug from Hermione and her hair, while Tonks throws her arms around her gay, wolfy lush of a husband. More news is exchanged, including the fact that Ron was a badass who did lots of pwnage. Tonks explains why they were late; the simple fact of her presence seems to make Lupin angry. I do not get their relationship, I really don't. What's the point? Anyway, more waiting around.
Kingsley eventually heads back to Downing Street; he's involved in protecting the muggle Prime Minister. By my reckoning, this takes place in July 1997, therefore the PM is Tony Blair. Kingsley, mate, with the power of hindsight - don't feel you have to put too much effort into protecting him. And if you feel like imperio-ing him so that he never listens to George W Bush, well, that would be useful too. Thanks.
After more waiting, Bill and Fleur make it back. Mrs Weasley hugs Bill, yelling, "Thank God, thank God!" (Quite a lot of that in this book, I noticed - mentions of God, bible verses and stuff. Oh, I know it barely matters and it's not like it's explicit, but I certainly noticed a more Christian tone, where in earlier books it wasn't even relevant. Meh, whatever.) Bad news, though - Moody bit the dust in that last bit.
... OK, so I'll level with you. My original plan was to whack in that "Many bothans died" clip whenever any character died in this book. Already, though, we've hit a snag, since Moody was a total badass and his death is kind of surprising. He's so not a dead bothan.
He's a Jek Porkins.
The cast head back inside. After some more talk, Bill grabs out a bottle of firewhisky and pours everyone a full glass. (It's not specified how big these glasses are, but I like to think they're those big, chunky pint glasses Hoegaarden comes in.) Anyway, they all drink a hearty toast to Mad-Eye. Lupin downs his in one, which I didn't actually notice on the first read through, but it makes me utterly delighted considering I decided in the last chapter that he's drunk throughout this book. Harry, too, gets right into his whisky:
The Firewhisky seared Harry's throat: it seemed to burn feeling back into him, dispelling the numbness and sense of unreality, firing him with something that was like courage.
The fuck. I know there's debate about whether these are kids' books or not (and in the past, when, say, arguing that R/S was canon I might have said that they weren't, and it doesn't matter anyway), but in the context of the general tone of the book and the series as a whole I think "whisky gives you courage" is an interesting message to be sending out. (One which I'd drink to, but anyway...)
Time for a postmortem (a figurative one). Fleur floats the idea that they were betrayed; Harry brings on the noble hero act and is all "Nobody betrayed me" etc. Lupin schnortles at Harry's n00bishness. We have it blatantly spelled out that PETER PETTIGREW BETRAYED JAMES POTTER OH NOES in case we had forgotten. Lupin is not in the mood to take any of Harry's crap, so he and Bill decide to head out to find Moody's body. Harry, realising that several seconds have gone by since he last did any wangsting, starts giving it all
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come.
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
But nobody else is having any of that. They all got him there safely, and they're going to take care of him. For some reason that I can't really grasp, Fleur and Bill are going to get married at the Burrow instead of in France, which is kind of dumb. Surely that makes things more dangerous for all concerned?
Then there's some more exposition about Harry using the Force in the last chapter and Harry's pet bothan dying, Harry yells, wangsts some more, and then heads outside, where he gazes at a thestral grazing. Wait, I thought they ate raw meat? The Weasleys must have one of those beef lawns I've been hearing about. As he watches, he wangsts more about Dumbledore and how Dumbledore would have believed him but it's too late because Dumbledore is dead, and so is Mad-Eye, and so is Sirius, and so are Harry's parents, and so is that bloody owl, and blah blah blah blah and surely this is a bothans moment, but before Mon Mothma can even open her mouth to speak, Harry's old war wound plays up and, rather conveniently, he sees right into Voldemort's mind.
It turns out that Voldemort's got Ollivander, that old guy who makes wands and who breathes the smell of Branston Pickle right in Harry's face in book 1. Ollivander told Voldemort that using someone else's wand would allow him to pwn Harry, but it didn't work. Voldemort is way pissed and tortures Ollivander just to be a fuck. Here's an artist's impression of what this scene might look like:
DARTH VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? WHAT have you DONE with those plans?
[holding Captain Antilles off the floor, the Captain's feet are dangling at Vader's knees]
ANTILLES: We intercepted no transmissions... [gasps] ... This is a consular ship... We're on a - [chokes] diplomatic mission...
DARTH VADER: If this is a consular ship, where is the ambassador?
Chapter then ends abruptly with Hermione and Ron being Harry's therapists for a couple of paragraphs, telling him he looks like crap and stuff. That's it. More soon.
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So, chapter opens with Harry struggling to get out of a pond, then passing out. Tonks's parents are wheeled on stage and off again, presumably so that we'll feel really sad when the dad, Ted, dies in chapter 22. We learn that Tonks's mum is known as "Dromeda", which makes me think of a dromedary and is the third-worst nickname in this book. She looks a bit like Bellatrix. Her husband has a big belly. Once the Tonkses have had their few measly minutes in the spotlight, Harry and Hagrid piss off back to the Burrow. They're the first ones back, even though they should have been third. Hagrid immediately downs an entire bottle of brandy. (I'm not making that up, that is actually in the book.)
Soon, Lupin and George show up with their arms around each other. George is unconscious and covered in blood and being held up by Lupin, but nonetheless I find myself genuinely shipping them, because I am a slash slut. They get George inside and discover that he's missing an ear. I can't decide, here, whether to make a Reservoir Dogs reference, or to make a comparison with Wedge Antilles going, "I'm hit! I can't stay with you!" during the destruction of the first Death Star in Star Wars. Wedge is cooler than George... but before we can discuss this in further detail, Lupin grabs Harry and starts yelling about the first time they were alone in Lupin's office at Hogwarts. Harry starts talking about how that was when they first realised their feelings for each other might be deeper than sensei and, uh... padawan, but Lupin's all like, "No, you dick, what animal did I have?" and Harry's like, "... Oh. A grindylow, but I can't believe that night means so little to you..." Lupin ignores him, and flips out at him for constantly using the disarming charm, since it gave him away tonight. He's got a point. OK, so I know Harry uses it at the end of this book and it works, but I thought the whole point was simply that the Elder Wand wouldn't work against its master - so Harry could have produced a wine-out-of-nowhere spell and had the same result. For such an allegedly hardcore hero, Harry knows remarkably few spells. Anyway, Lupin tells Harry to sort it out, dude, start stunning or even killing. However, as any fule kno, Harry is way too noble and pure of heart to kill a relative innocent. They argue for a while, but things calm down when Hermione and Kingsley show up, shaken but unscathed. They all discuss the fact that Voldemort can now fly. After a moment of quiet, sober thought on this topic, everyone bursts out laughing at Voldemort, flying about for no good reason like Neo in the Matrix sequels. Oh no, wait, that was me. During this scene and indeed chapter, Hagrid repeatedly gets stuck in the doorway, which becomes tiresome very quickly.
Next back are Fred and Arthur. George makes a crap joke based on holy/holey and having a missing ear, which Fred, quite rightly, pwns him for, and calls him a n00b. They wait around some more. Lots of talk about how they wait for ages and look at the starry sky and wait and wait.
Next back, Ron and Tonks. Ron is bowled over by a massive hug from Hermione and her hair, while Tonks throws her arms around her gay, wolfy lush of a husband. More news is exchanged, including the fact that Ron was a badass who did lots of pwnage. Tonks explains why they were late; the simple fact of her presence seems to make Lupin angry. I do not get their relationship, I really don't. What's the point? Anyway, more waiting around.
Kingsley eventually heads back to Downing Street; he's involved in protecting the muggle Prime Minister. By my reckoning, this takes place in July 1997, therefore the PM is Tony Blair. Kingsley, mate, with the power of hindsight - don't feel you have to put too much effort into protecting him. And if you feel like imperio-ing him so that he never listens to George W Bush, well, that would be useful too. Thanks.
After more waiting, Bill and Fleur make it back. Mrs Weasley hugs Bill, yelling, "Thank God, thank God!" (Quite a lot of that in this book, I noticed - mentions of God, bible verses and stuff. Oh, I know it barely matters and it's not like it's explicit, but I certainly noticed a more Christian tone, where in earlier books it wasn't even relevant. Meh, whatever.) Bad news, though - Moody bit the dust in that last bit.
... OK, so I'll level with you. My original plan was to whack in that "Many bothans died" clip whenever any character died in this book. Already, though, we've hit a snag, since Moody was a total badass and his death is kind of surprising. He's so not a dead bothan.
He's a Jek Porkins.
Click to viewThe cast head back inside. After some more talk, Bill grabs out a bottle of firewhisky and pours everyone a full glass. (It's not specified how big these glasses are, but I like to think they're those big, chunky pint glasses Hoegaarden comes in.) Anyway, they all drink a hearty toast to Mad-Eye. Lupin downs his in one, which I didn't actually notice on the first read through, but it makes me utterly delighted considering I decided in the last chapter that he's drunk throughout this book. Harry, too, gets right into his whisky:
The Firewhisky seared Harry's throat: it seemed to burn feeling back into him, dispelling the numbness and sense of unreality, firing him with something that was like courage.
The fuck. I know there's debate about whether these are kids' books or not (and in the past, when, say, arguing that R/S was canon I might have said that they weren't, and it doesn't matter anyway), but in the context of the general tone of the book and the series as a whole I think "whisky gives you courage" is an interesting message to be sending out. (One which I'd drink to, but anyway...)
Time for a postmortem (a figurative one). Fleur floats the idea that they were betrayed; Harry brings on the noble hero act and is all "Nobody betrayed me" etc. Lupin schnortles at Harry's n00bishness. We have it blatantly spelled out that PETER PETTIGREW BETRAYED JAMES POTTER OH NOES in case we had forgotten. Lupin is not in the mood to take any of Harry's crap, so he and Bill decide to head out to find Moody's body. Harry, realising that several seconds have gone by since he last did any wangsting, starts giving it all
LUKE SKYWALKER: I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come.
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
But nobody else is having any of that. They all got him there safely, and they're going to take care of him. For some reason that I can't really grasp, Fleur and Bill are going to get married at the Burrow instead of in France, which is kind of dumb. Surely that makes things more dangerous for all concerned?
Then there's some more exposition about Harry using the Force in the last chapter and Harry's pet bothan dying, Harry yells, wangsts some more, and then heads outside, where he gazes at a thestral grazing. Wait, I thought they ate raw meat? The Weasleys must have one of those beef lawns I've been hearing about. As he watches, he wangsts more about Dumbledore and how Dumbledore would have believed him but it's too late because Dumbledore is dead, and so is Mad-Eye, and so is Sirius, and so are Harry's parents, and so is that bloody owl, and blah blah blah blah and surely this is a bothans moment, but before Mon Mothma can even open her mouth to speak, Harry's old war wound plays up and, rather conveniently, he sees right into Voldemort's mind.
It turns out that Voldemort's got Ollivander, that old guy who makes wands and who breathes the smell of Branston Pickle right in Harry's face in book 1. Ollivander told Voldemort that using someone else's wand would allow him to pwn Harry, but it didn't work. Voldemort is way pissed and tortures Ollivander just to be a fuck. Here's an artist's impression of what this scene might look like:
DARTH VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? WHAT have you DONE with those plans?
[holding Captain Antilles off the floor, the Captain's feet are dangling at Vader's knees]
ANTILLES: We intercepted no transmissions... [gasps] ... This is a consular ship... We're on a - [chokes] diplomatic mission...
DARTH VADER: If this is a consular ship, where is the ambassador?
Chapter then ends abruptly with Hermione and Ron being Harry's therapists for a couple of paragraphs, telling him he looks like crap and stuff. That's it. More soon.
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