As the chapter opens, Harry is back in the forest playing dead, whilst Voldemort makes a fuss because he fell over at the same time Harry went down, and all the death eaters are around him going, "Shit, are you OK?" and he doesn't want them to help him up because it's embarrassing. The correct thing to do in this situation, as anyone clumsy will know, is to pretend you're in a worse state than you are (I may have been known to fall over and pretend I fainted because slipping over makes you look more like a twat).
Anyway, to take the attention off himself looking like a tit, Voldemort orders Narcissa Malfoy to check Harry's body. She asks Harry, very very quietly, if Draco is OK, and he whispers back very very quietly that Draco is OK, so she lies for him, telling the assembled death eaters that he is dead. That right there is one of the moments in the book I think works really well and I liked reading. In other bits where the power of ~*a mother's love*~ is mentioned, it's often far too blatant and unnecessarily spelled out. We are told over and over again that LILY DIED FOR HARRY OMG LOL WTF!!!!!1!11one. Here it's done more or less right, if it had to be done again; Narcissa's actions speak for themselves, and I like that. I also like that she has a little more depth and a little more complexity, even if that depth and complexity is pretty much "is defined by/redeemed through motherhood", like half the other women in this series. In particular, I like that her version of this involves lying to Voldemort, which takes some balls (as opposed to cheering her only son on as he cheerfully skips off to be murdered for - ahem - the greater good).
Also, I've just noticed that she puts her hands under Harry's shirt during that sequence, the dirty minx.
Voldemort spends a little time demonstrating his superiority to Harry by desecrating his body (well, he isn't actually, obviously, but he doesn't know that). He does this by hitting Harry with the cruciatus curse, which rather handily doesn't hurt him. Harry's glasses fly off and are conveniently put back on him (according to Voldemort, so he'll be recognised, but really for narrative reasons, i.e. so that he'll be able to see properly in a few pages' time when he leaps back into battle, rather than casting Expelliarmus at a tree and spending several pages shouting at a suit of armour about remorse). Following this, Hagrid is ordered to carry him up to the castle. From time to time Hagrid lets out a sob or a wail, but is generally told to STFU. I wish one of the death eaters would just kill the stupid oaf, but no, JKR had to have him survive. WHY. (Probably because, for some reason, there are people who like him.) Harry, for once, uses his grey matter and doesn't attempt to tell Hagrid that he's alive really. On the way, they meet some centaurs; Hagrid attempts to guilt-trip them into feeling bad about Harry being dead, but the centaurs, for the time being at least, appear not to give a fuck.
The party reaches the edge of the forest, where dementors patrol. Harry isn't affected by them, partly because the elder wand will not harm its true master, but mainly because his trip into the land of the dead has given him the ultimate power: he is finally a true MARTY STU! Yes! He has all the true Stu qualities now, except for, you know, marrying Draco Malfoy or something. In fact, what am I talking about, he marries Ginny Weasley, which is even more Stu-ish!
Actually, this is kind of interesting - it says that Harry is no longer affected by the dementors because the fact that he survived dying makes him so happy he is more or less immune to them. It's odd, because for me, personally, the notion of not being able to die is the most disturbing idea I can think of. (As in the past, the fact that JKR is a Christian and I'm a massive atheist may account for the discrepancy here. I guess I can see what she's getting at, except that I, personally, find the whole idea thoroughly horrific. YMMV, of course.)
So Voldemort magically amplifies his voice and feeds the remaining, uh, Hogwartians (ahem) some bullcrap about how Harry was killed trying to escape. This blatant lie is just in case you were in any doubt as to what a nasty man he is. He then outlines his plan for the future with the aid of a flipchart: everyone will bow to him, and if they do that then he won't kill them and their families.
They arrive at the castle to find crowds filtering outside to assess the scene. A round of hearty screaming begins, spearheaded by McGonagall and her backup screamers Ron, Hermione and Ginny, but soon including everyone there, all wailing and beating their breasts like a host of Sicilian widows. Voldemort quickly tires of this melodrama and uses the Warm Glass of STFU charm on them all. He begins some melodrama of his own then, generally on the subject of how he is so much better than Harry, but is swiftly interrupted by Ron claiming that Harry beat him. Admirable stance, Ron, but absolute rubbish; as far as anyone within the confines of the story can tell, Harry's dead and Voldemort is alive, so claiming that Harry beat Voldemort is nonsense. Voldemort once again counters with the STFU hex. He is challenged again almost immediately by Neville Longbottom:
... who rushes forward - shirt off, muscles rippling, blood streaked down face, armed with a number of guns, riding on a tank, etc. Unfortunately he gets stunned or put in a body-bind or something like that right away.
Voldemort, recognising Neville's pureblood heritage, tries to win him over to the - ahem - Dark Side, and goes on about how in the new world order, everyone will be a Slytherin (that being included annoys me slightly; what's so bad about abolishing the sorting?). Neville's not having any of it and responds by making it clear he isn't interested, so Voldemort then attempts to pwn him, presumably to reduce morale, make an example of him and so on. It kind of reminds me of that bit in Return of the Jedi where... oh, for fuck's sake, it reminds me of the entire last half hour of Return of the Jedi. Here are some concrete illustrations of my point, though:
THE EMPEROR: If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.
THE EMPEROR: Come, boy, see for yourself. From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance and the end of your insignificant rebellion.
THE EMPEROR: As you can see, my young apprentice, your friends have failed. Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station.
LUKE: Never! I'll never turn to the dark side. You've failed, Your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
So, anyway, Voldemort brings on the Neville-pwnage. He does this by summoning the sorting hat, putting it on Neville's head and setting it on fire. This is kind of a weird way to pwn someone, but I guess so many of his options have been prohibited by the
Evil Overlord List by this stage that he has to be creative. Hey, I wonder if the sorting hat getting set on fire counts as a "many Bothans died" moment?
... Fuck it, this is probably the last time I'm going to be able to include this, let's whack it in anyway. :D
Click to view
I've said it before and I'll say it again. Neville is way more badass than Harry. I'm not going to ask, "Why aren't the books about Neville?", because the answer to that is obvious: JK Rowling wrote them about Harry. Maybe the question should be, why is Neville's "journey" (crap way of wording it, but you get what I mean) so much more interesting and well, Luke-Skywalker-esque than Harry's?
Stick with me, I'm going to unpack this a little. Harry doesn't actually change that much over the course of the series. He defeats Voldemort in book one, and again in book seven. Sure, he's more confident the final time, but there's no real evidence his powers have vastly improved or anything - crucially, every time he defeats Voldemort, even here, he does it more or less by accident (or, at least, by someone else's design). He does it passively, is my point. Whereas Neville has gone from a shy, insecure victim whose main achievement was managing to stand up to his friends and getting pwned by them anyway (in book one) to the Neville we see here: a rebel leader who stares into Lord Voldemort's eyes and gleefully tells him to get fucked.
In conclusion, Neville is a badass and I ♥ him. He proves this by throwing off Voldemort's curse, pulling the sword of Gryffindor out of the hat (it took Harry so much running-against-a-wall-with-a-bucket-on-his-head to get the sodding sword, and Neville just does it), and cutting off the head of that motherfuckin' snake. FUCK YES. At the same time, a bunch of centaurs, Hogsmeade inhabitants and ewoks (possibly) ride over the hill to join the battle. Harry, in the kerfuffle, hides under the Invisibility cloak. There is much confusion; he can't have disappeared, no wizard that small has a cloaking device!
For reasons that are mostly left unexplored, the opposing teams decide to move the battle indoors. More people show up - the families of Hogwarts students as well as everyone else (thanks, you guys, but you might have been even more useful if you'd shown up earlier, given that it's about 4am now) and a bunch of house-elves, led by Kreacher. Since Dobby's death, Kreacher has admirably taken up the role of annoying squeaky-voiced "cute" sidekick. He bellows about brave Regulus and stuff like that, and is wearing the fake-horcrux locket. I would care, but I don't.
In the hall, battles are raging; the bodies hit the floor; Harry the Stu, under the Cloak of Sue, sends out shield charms and curses left, right and centre, saving the lives of over 9000 people in the process. In the middle of the room, Hermione, Luna and Ginny are jointly fighting Bellatrix - between the three of them they are just about holding her off. You see, writers of the world - this is why we like villains. They rarely fail at being badass. Anyway, they fight until Ginny is almost hit with an AK and Molly's Mum Power kicks in, pushing her to cut into the battle. If JKR was hoping to use this scene as an opportunity to illustrate how
strong and feisty Ginny is, she just failed. (I argue she's already adequately shown Luna and Hermione to be badasses, so they get away with having Molly step in.) Word on the street is that Ginny's favourite movie is this:
You know what would have been really satisfying here? If Ginny had moved forward to battle Bellatrix, and Molly had screamed, "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" but it was too late because by the time she'd said all that, Ginny had thrown off one of her famous speshul-snowflake Bat-Bogey Hexes, and in response Bellatrix had cursed Ginny's skin off and left her in a quivering, bleeding, semi-conscious heap on the floor. No way JKR would have written it that way, of course, but if this were real life that is totally how this would have gone down.
So, I have been thinking a lot about Molly vs Bella, Molly using the word "bitch" and so on, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm more or less neutral on the whole thing. I suspect I was surprised to hear Molly using the word "bitch", back when I first read this - in fact, I was more surprised to hear her say that than I was that she killed someone. I'm not much of a Molly fan for the most part, but I guess it's cool that she got to take out someone as badass as Bellatrix. Before Molly steps in, Bellatrix is fighting three people at the same time, so I guess Molly gets props for winning that battle. On the other hand, as with many of JKR's Action Girls (sadly), there seems to have been little buildup to this moment of badassery - although I can much more easily accept Molly as a badass than I can, say, Tonks.
There's an interesting comparison to be made between Molly's Mama Bear moment and Narcissa's, though: Molly's is textbook Gryffindor (rushing into battle), and Narcissa's is Slytherin all the way down (lying). I wonder if that was deliberate. I think I like this, anyway. I'm wavering on it, but ultimately I think I like its message that there are different ways of protecting your loved ones.
Ooh, and there's a thought. Bellatrix just died. She was hardly a Bothan, but I'm not sure she counts as a Vader, or even a Grand Moff Tarkin. Maybe she's this random Sith lady from the Clone Wars cartoons?
Click to view
Meh, anyway, Molly kills Bella and Voldemort is pissed off at the loss of his most trusted lieutenant. He shows this displeasure by knocking down his own three opponents (McGonagall, Slughorn and Kingsley Shaftlebolt) and making to kill Molly, which is the point where Harry finally exposes himself. By which I mean he steps out from under his cloaking device, not that he gets his cock out, although he probably does that too, just to show what a big man he is. The assembled crowds (allegedly "hundreds of people", but seriously, that many? Even with all the Hogsmeade residents and the centaurs and everyone?) step back and form a circle around Harry and Voldemort, who prowl around flirting with each other for a while. (I forget if Draco Malfoy is watching at this point, but if he is, he can't help but recall that one time in the bathroom, when... oh, no, wait,
I've done this one already.)
And so, finally, Harry and Voldemort attempt to pwn one another. Again with the last half-hour of Return of the Jedi, and there are way too many to include them all, but a good example is:
LUKE: Your overconfidence is your weakness.
THE EMPEROR: Your faith in your friends is yours.
So they talk at each other for a while, explaining the plot of the book and stuff, and some stuff about Draco and Snape and some other guys, and Harry makes a couple of half-arsed attempts get Voldemort to show remorse...
OK. So I know I've been quite heavy on the Star Wars references. They do stand up, I think, because both JK Rowling and George Lucas (as well as the creators of a gazillion other series) are working to the same basic "hero's quest" structure. (In general, I'd argue that Snape is roughly equivalent to Vader, and Voldemort to the Emperor; there's a whole 'nother tl;dr post where I expand on that and I do intend to wank that one out at some point. It will probably involve rehashing what I say here anyway.) This point in the story, however, is where the analogy breaks down, to an extent, because Harry is a fairly monumental bastard.
I'll elaborate. Remember this bit in The Empire Strikes Back?
DARTH VADER: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.
Luke Skywalker wins, in the end, by not taking this advice. He succeeds in putting aside his own feelings, not giving in to the anger he feels, and forgiving. The good in him is what leads Vader to assist him in defeating the Emperor and to giving in to death. He does nothing to persuade Vader except having faith that Vader isn't wholly evil, and that faith is, in the end, what Vader is persuaded by.
Harry's taunting of Voldemort, on the other hand, is just that - taunting. It doesn't seem like a genuine attempt to persuade him to return to the "light side" (as it were) and be redeemed. At most, I'd argue it's an attempt to have Voldemort feel pain, or possibly die - we've previously heard that a horcrux-ed soul can heal if remorse is felt, but that it's unbelievably painful and can result in death.
In order to get to this point (both literally and figuratively: standing opposite Voldemort, wand in hand, equally matched), Harry has had to do the opposite of Luke Skywalker. He's done exactly what Vader wanted in The Empire Strikes Back: he's controlled his fear (to the point of standing in front of Voldemort, merrily taking the piss) and released his anger (performed the Imperius curse and the Cruciatus curse on unsuspecting opponents, amongst other things). And as Dumbledore babbled about at some point during HBP, that prophecy thing was pretty much irrelevant, or at least self-fulfilling, since Harry hates Voldemort for what he did to his family anyway.
My point is - I don't honestly think it's possible to argue that this series is about the power of love, not any more. Harry even says as much, when Voldemort starts angrily screeching about how
love is a totally stupid power, and Harry pretty much says, this isn't about love any more - it's about this massive gun I've acquired.
Meanwhile, back in the present, Harry is still taunting Voldemort, who is snarling like a teenager back at him. They do everything but insult each other's wand length (and in fact, this is pretty much the only sequence in the book without a dick joke in it), Harry's green lightsaber eyes meet with Voldemort's red, oh and Harry calls Voldemort "Riddle", and manages to sound way less badass than when Dumbledore did it. In another classic "As you know, your father, the king" moment (albeit one for the benefit of the assembled crowds and not just us), we get a full-on explanation of the elder wand and how it was supposed to go from Dumbledore to Snape to Voldemort, and in fact went from Dumbledore to Draco to Harry. I am a little unclear on this point. What was supposed to happen? Dumbledore wanted Snape to end up with it, but why? Surely allowing it to pass into the hands of someone so close to Voldemort was a crap idea? In
chapter 33, the one with all Snape's memories, Dumbledore refuses to tell Snape every part of his plan, precisely because telling everything to someone in close contact with Voldemort would be a bad idea, so I don't know what he was thinking, really.
Unless... surely Dumbledore's great plan wasn't just to be buried with the wand and hope nobody robbed his grave?
Oh, at some point during this, Harry actually says that Snape's doe patronus was "the same as my mother's". I wonder if that's JKR just making it clear, JKR making a mistake, Harry jumping to conclusions, me having missed something or what.
Anyway, blah blah blah, at one point Harry and Voldemort are actually arguing over who Snape liked the best, and we can tell Voldemort is getting desperate because he pretty much uses a "your mum" cuss on Harry - he strongly implies that even Snape wouldn't have shagged her, and Harry's comeback is "He so would have!" which is kind of a pyrrhic victory as cusses go, I feel, and then they talk about Draco - I'm describing all this in the wrong order, but if you're reading this you already know what happens in the book, so it doesn't matter - and, finally, Voldemort throws out an Avada Kedavra and Harry relies on his old favourite, Expelliarmus, and the AK bounces and... Voldemort dies. And that's it.
Gah - I - just - but - n00b!
This is what all this build-up has been for? That's how you defeat
Deku Scrubs! Granted, it's kind of how you defeat
Ganon too, but you have to use the Master Sword (which you acquire through skill, not by accident) and rally the pwnage back and forth a few times and usually there are Light Arrows involved too. (And Ganon always, always comes back eventually.)
This is not the death of an evil overlord. This is the death of a mini-boss. A mini-boss from the beginning of the game.
I don't think it exactly makes Harry look great, either. In earlier books, and even in this one, when Harry witnesses duels between (for want of a better term) grown-up characters, those battles are badass. For example, this fight between Voldemort and Dumbledore from OotP:
Another jet of green light flew from behind the silver shield. This time it was the one-armed centaur, galloping in front of Dumbledore, that took the blast and shattered into a hundred pieces, but before the fragments had even hit the floor, Dumbledore had drawn back his wand and waved it as though brandishing a whip. A long thin flame flew from the tip; it wrapped itself around Voldemort, shield and all. For a moment, it seemed Dumbledore had won, but then the fiery rope became a serpent, which relinquished its hold on Voldemort at once and turned, hissing furiously, to face Dumbledore. [Continues]
- p718, UK edition
Or this one, from earlier in this book:
Professor McGonagall moved faster than Harry could have believed: her wand slashed through the air and for a split second Harry thought that Snape must crumple, unconscious, but the swiftness of his Shield Charm was such that McGonagall was thrown off balance. She brandished at a torch on the wall and it flew out of its bracket: Harry, about to curse Snape, was forced to pull Luna out of the way of the descending flames, which became a ring of fire that filled the corridor and flew like a lasso at Snape -
Then it was no longer fire, but a great, black serpent that McGonagall blasted to smoke, which reformed and solidified in seconds to become a swarm of pursuing daggers: Snape avoided them only by forcing the suit of armour in front of him, and with echoing clangs the daggers sank, one after another, into its breast -
- p481, UK edition
I would have hoped that by this stage, Harry would have developed the skills necessary to fight like that, and, crucially, used this battle to showcase those skills. Hell, he was a badass of sorts in the past, like when he fought that giant snake with a sword at the age of 12. And yet, in this - his final confrontation with the Dark Lord - he uses a spell he learned, again, at 12, but one which was considered suitable for kids to learn as part of a supposedly fun extra-curricular activity (duelling club). And, honestly, he seems to have gained only a handful of new skills since then. In some ways it doesn't matter, because he wins, but my view is that is makes for a fairly underwhelming final showdown.
It's not just about being able to defeat Voldemort. It's about being the baddest motherfucker there is, you know? I guess I would have liked to have seen a bit more magic, really. The fight could have ended exactly the same way, with an AK and an Expelliarmus and a bounced curse and the elder wand flying to Harry's hand, but perhaps they could have peppered all the talking they did with curses and attempts at torture - Voldemort could perhaps have attempted to make Harry bow to him like he did in the graveyard in GoF, but this time Harry easily resists the curse, laughs as he calls Voldemort "Tom" and makes Voldemort bow at him in return. As Voldemort becomes more and more angry and shoots deadly spells all over the place, Harry calmly deflects them. And so on.
In fact, ending on an AK from Voldemort and an expelliarmus from Harry might have been really effective coming after a badass battle like that, because it would show that even though Harry can use dark magic and really cool hexes and things, he won't use them; he chooses to rely on disarming and stunning rather than instant death curses. (That would, of course, be dependent on him not having used both imperio and crucio in this book.) Ultimately, I think this would have worked especially well given that it would put Harry on the same level as Dumbledore; that is, able to use dark magic, but ultimately not willing to.
This fits in quite nicely - in my head - with the stuff I was saying earlier about Harry being a bastard. I suspect I'm going around in circles now, but my overall point is, if you're going to be a bastard, then be a magnificent one. If you're not going to take the Luke Skywalker route and stay calm, then for fuck's sake take the Darth Vader route and kick some ass. Throw the Emperor down a chasm, don't fire a water pistol at him.
Harry's assembled crowd of homies, it turns out, doesn't agree with me at all. They show this by rushing forth to pat him and lift him up; Ron and Hermione hug him, Neville kisses him (with tongues), Luna performs a piece of interpretative dance she has composed especially for this moment, Hagrid downs a bottle of whisky out of sheer joy, Jar-Jar cries out "Wesa freeeeee!", Arthur Weasley showers everyone in battery acid, the ewoks all go fucking nuts, etc, etc. Later, Wedge Antilles will be found playing a Stormtrooper's helmet like a drum. Grawp, who unfortunately survived the battle, is grinning outside a window as people chuck food into his open, drooling mouth, like he's some kind of grotesque fairground attraction. Feed the annoying freak! Win prizes!* * Prizes may not be won.
They party with the bodies of their dead comrades right there, which is sort of disturbing. Meanwhile, Voldemort's body has been put in a side room! What the fuck is up with that? (Later, they will get really drunk and start dancing with the corpses, just because if you can't be tasteless and inappropriate in the aftermath of war, when can you be tasteless and inappropriate?)
In the midst of all this, Harry is tired and pissed off. Luna is the only person to notice that he wants some peace (apologies for dead horse beating, but you'll notice it isn't Ginny, Harry's alleged soulmate, who fulfils this role), and she distracts everyone by yelling something about a "blibbering humdinger" so he can disappear under the cloaking device. Interesting that she uses that method of distraction, since it implies she knows everyone thinks she talks rubbish and exploits that fact so that people will leave her alone. I love Luna more and more.
Having disappeared, Harry seeks out Ron and Hermione, who are described as - paraphrasing here - the only people he wants to be around right now. Again, you'll notice Ginny isn't included in that. He does see Ginny while he's looking for Ron and Hermione, but reflects that they can talk later and therefore ignores her. He makes no move to comfort her or check she's OK or acknowledge her or anything. Soulmates! He also spots Neville, who is truly the man - he appears to have kept the sword, and he is surrounded by admirers; and the Malfoys, who are clinging together in a huddle and ignoring everyone else. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to, but I find that quite poignant. I dunno, maybe my period is due or something.
Anyway, finally reunited, our intrepid trio start making their way to the headmaster's office. On the way, they pass Peeves, who is singing some kind of whimsical, wacky song about the night's events. This makes me sad that poltergeists can't die, or at least go away for a while. They mostly ignore him, and Harry uses the journey upstairs to give his trusted lieutenants a rundown of how he died and all that stuff.
As they enter the headmaster's office, there is a ton of noise, but it's not the noise of battle, nay, it is the sound of all the portraits of dead former headteachers clapping and cheering. I can already tell exactly what it's going to look like on film, if it gets included: Daniel Radcliffe walks in, the noise begins, and the camera pans around his head to take in all the portraits, finally settling on his face which is beaming. Textbook.
So, yeah, all the portraits are cheering and clapping like Harry was the only student ever to do anything cool. They congratulate him in their annoying, cartoonlike way. Professor Rowling, speaking through the mouth of Phineas Nigellus, is going on about how Slytherin house played its part, even though it didn't. Harry, however, is only interested in one of the dead headmasters, and you get three guesses as to which one and the first two don't count. Yeah, you got it, it's Dumbledore again. He's actually crying, the manipulative fucker.
He and Harry have yet another conversation about the deathly hallows. Old meme, boys, old meme. But they aren't listening to me. Harry explains that he dropped the stone in the forest and won't be retrieving it, but he will be keeping the cloak, presumably to pass on to his own children so they, too, can engage in night-time hijinks once they come to Hogwarts. Yawn.
Harry doesn't plan to keep the elder wand, though, although he does use it to fix his own wand. His plan is to die a natural death, thereby breaking the chain of violence stemming from the wand - but that would suggest that he plans never to be disarmed again. Hell, we know from the events at Malfoy Manor that the elder wand will switch allegiance if a different wand is yanked out of its owner's hand, so this is clearly crap. I suppose maybe the point is that even if Harry does get disarmed or whatever, his opponent won't know they are now the master of the elder wand - except that a) Harry has just announced that he is to a room that contains, according to JKR, hundreds of people, and b) Harry explicitly says he plans to die a natural death and therefore the wand will never switch its allegiance because it won't have been "defeated".
And this isn't even going into the part where JKR told us (in interview canon, so whether it counts is debatable) that Harry went and became an auror.
Moreover, Ron makes a face and a noise to indicate his disappointment with the abandonment of the elder wand; this is presented as a joke, and not - as I feel it should be presented - with the implication that Ron has some deep-seated aggressive tendencies within him that really ought to be dealt with. What if Ron has a moment of temptation and takes Harry's own wand from his hand one day like it's no big deal, knowing he'll be able to go and retrieve the elder wand from wherever Harry's planning to put it?
Anyway, following this decision, Harry makes it clear that he wants no more trouble (again with, well, why become an auror then?) and that his main priority right now is going to his bed in Gryffindor tower. There, he hopes, Kreacher will bring him a sandwich. That's Kreacher, the slave he inherited - so I'm glad we've all learned something from this experience.
And, so, the Harry Potter series comes to a close. It's been an epic journey, and - hang on, what's this? There appear to be several more pages left to read! But surely Harry's story has come to a perfectly acceptable end?
Oh, that's right. We still have to do the epilogue.
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