In a Mirror Distorted and Indistinct - Soundtrack
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Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Epilogue | Author’s notes | Soundtrack
Soundtrack
In a Mirror Distorted and Indistinct (Zip file with songs, cover art and lyrics) [ETA. Re-uploaded April 2016, individual song files are no longer available]
CD cover art by winchesterxgirl (click for bigger)
1. Those teenage years
Jensen can’t help thinking that if God really was taking time off from his busy schedule to drop by Richardson, Texas, he could have shown up a bit sooner and made sure the damn car never hit him. Not that he’ll ever tell his mom that.
Sounds Like a Personal Problem / Ghost Of The Robot | [lyrics]
2. First heartbreak
Jason smiled at her and she giggled, batting her eyes and pushing her generous chest so far forward it was a wonder the wheelchair didn’t tip over. Jensen watched them settle down on a blanket, overlooking the small pond. His eyes stung. When Jason looked quickly around and then leaned over to kiss the girl on the lips, Jensen hurried out of there as fast as he could, limping stupidly like the gimp he was.
Believe / Voltaire | [lyrics]
3. Hitting rock bottom
When he finally gets home he stands in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. His bruised cheeks are round, his torn t-shirt strained over the slight boobs on his chest. His stomach feels bloated, the skin stretched uncomfortably around his belly. The disgust he feels for himself is so overwhelming he can’t stand it anymore.
He flips open the toilet, drops to his knees and puts a finger down his throat.
Rubber and Soul / Ane Brun | [lyrics]
4. Destined for Hell
‘Queers,’ his father calls them, sneering at the word as if it hurts his tongue.
“Rights?” The newspaper crumples in his fist as he pushes the glasses up his nose in anger. “Lets see what rights they’ll have in Hell.”
Jensen’s mother shakes her head, briefly touching the cross hanging at the dip of her throat before continuing her knitting, the needles’ metallic clicking loud and accusing in Jensen’s ears. He buries his face in the book he’s reading, his stomach tight as a knot, his throat so dry he’s surprised they don’t notice his labored breathing.
Hell. In Hell.
But not him. Because he isn’t. He’s not. Not that. Not that. Whatever he is it’s not that.
Please, God, don’t let me be that. Please, please, please.
God's Gonna Cut You Down / Johnny Cash | [lyrics]
5. Hiding in Hollywood
Being gay in Hollywood is kinda like being gay in the military. Don’t ask, don’t tell. For all their talk of the glamour and glitter of the West side, it’s still better to be caught snorting coke up your nose than sucking cock down your throat. Which is kinda funny, considering how many do one because of the other.
Boulevard Of Broken Dreams / Green Day | [lyrics]
6. The cracks start to show
“You’re not fooling anyone,” Tom suddenly says, his voice echoing in the quiet room, and Jensen scrambles to his feet and flees before Tom has time to tell him what exactly it is he’s failed to hide. He’s got too many secrets to even guess.
I Say No / Anna Ternheim | [lyrics]
7. And then there’s Jared
Despite his apprehension, despite all the warning bells ringing in his ears, Jensen finds himself being sucked into Jared’s world of easy happiness. It’s impossible to not smile back when met with Jared’s huge grin and so he does, smile the way he can’t remember doing for the longest time.
You're My Best Friend / Queen | [lyrics]
8. Feeling doubtful
“Yeah?” he says instead and sips his beer. “Bet you’d rather be there than here,” he then adds because he’s a damn masochist and maybe hearing Jared saying it flat out will stop his dick (heart) from being so goddamn stupid.
Jared sits silent for a while and when Jensen risks a glance over he finds Jared watching him.
“Not really,” he says, voice too soft and eyes too damn kind. “I’m feeling good right here, right now. This?” He indicates the room with a sweep of his hand, lingering at last on Jensen. “This is good.”
I Don't Sleep Well / Hello Saferide | [lyrics]
9. “I can see you.”
“I won’t make the same mistake again,” Jared finally says, his voice quiet but gentle. “I just wanted you to know that, man. You take your time.”
Little blue / The Beautiful South | [lyrics]
10. Breaking
“Don’t touch me! I’m so… ugly. I’m… I’m.... They called me… They said…” His breath is hitching and he blinks to try and clear the fog in his eyes. “They said I was…I was… They said…”
“They were wrong. They were wrong, Jen. Sshh. C’mon, Jen. Breathe. C’mon.”
“I couldn’t fight them. I couldn’t! And I just kept getting fatter and fatter and…”
He’s rambling. Rambling and telling. God, he’s telling. Stop. Shut up. Just shut the fuck up!
“I didn’t know what else to do! There was nothing else I could do!”
Breathe Me / Sia | [lyrics]
11. “Lean on me.”
“Jen,” Jared finally says and Jensen tenses. “I want you to really listen to me. Okay?”
“I am, I am listening,” he answers, still not looking up.
“That’s just it, Jen, you’re not. You don’t. You hear the words but you never believe them. But this time I want you to believe that what I’m going to say is the absolute truth.”
Better / Regina Spektor | [lyrics]
12. Letting him in
It’s light at first, no more than a brush of lips against lips, as if Jared’s giving him the opportunity to back away if he wants to. When Jensen doesn’t, more out of mere shock than anything else, Jared softens his lips and kisses him gently, fingers sliding through Jensen’s hair to cradle the back of his head. Dazedly Jensen parts his lips and a puff of air slips into his mouth as Jared moans in appreciation. Jensen hitches his breath in surprise, almost choking on the taste of Jared tingling the back of his tongue. Are they…? Oh God, they are. They are!
One of those days / Hera | [lyrics]
13. Settling in
It’s not really such a big change, they’ve been breathing in each other’s air practically 24/7 ever since they started this, but it still feels weird getting mail with Jared’s name over his address. And the dogs take up way more room than he’d ever noticed before. Jared’s talking about buying a house if they get a second season and it’s more than implied that it’s a house for them just as much as the dogs.
Jensen thinks he should probably have a small freak-out about that. Later. Right now he’s busy teaching Jared how to play More Than Words on his guitar.
Because it’s a song everyone can learn to play. *g*
More Than Words / Extreme [lyrics]
14. Someday
“Hey, you okay?”
Jensen looks up from his musings to find Jared watching him, brow creased in worry.
“Getting there,” he says after a brief hesitation and offers Jared a smile. “Slowly.”
Jared smiles back and squeezes his knee. “We’ve got plenty of time,” he replies and squints against the sun. “We’ll take it day by day.”
This may seem like a cliché choice for this compilation but this is no ordinary version of this song. This is the most powerful and just… awesome version ever. It makes you want to stand up and just shout from the rooftops, “This is me and fuck you who can’t deal with it.” This is how I hope Jensen will feel one day.
I am what I am - live / John Barrowman | [lyrics]
Bonus track
For those of us who actually are a little bit on the chubby side. *smiles*
Perfect 10 / The Beautiful South | [lyrics]
All lyrics together
Erm... I possibly have weird taste in music. Well, they sound good to me. Hope you enjoy!