In a Mirror Distorted and Indistinct - Author's Notes
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Author’s notes:
Okay. *deep breath*
This whole thing started as a drabble that I wrote over a year ago:
Belief
They keep calling him beautiful. Pretty. “Come on. Look this way. Give us a smile, Jensen.” He smiles and blinks against the flashes, fighting the urge to lower his eyes, to hide the blush burning under layers of makeup. Sweat runs down his back, his hands tremble.
.
He’s not pretty, not beautiful. He’s small and weak and pathetic and one day they’re all gonna figure it out. One day…
“This guy? Love this guy. Seriously. Butt-ugly but I love him.” Jared’s laughter rings in his ears, long arms clutching his chest.
This time? The smile is hundred percent real.
Ever since then, this Jensen has been haunting me. I wanted to know why, what made him feel that way, how he could possibly see himself so negatively. I considered abuse - emotional, physical and especially sexual - but it just didn’t feel right. So I thought to myself, what makes a person look in the mirror and see such a distorted image of himself? And then it came to me, this idea.
Now this was not an easy subject to approach. First off, I didn’t want it to be just another lets-hurt-Jensen-so-we-can-watch-him-cry fic, because those are a dime a dozen and frankly, exploiting something so serious for the sake of emo!porn, that’s not what I do.
Second, even if much has been written and discussed about eating disorders, almost all of it refers to women. So much in fact that in some of the books I read, the words ‘she’ and ‘her’ were used exclusively, because the author felt there were too few men suffering from these disorders that she could be bothered switching between the sexes in her analysis.
I can just imagine how insulting and even humiliating that must be to men who are trying to understand and come to terms with this disorder, and wherever they look they’re repeatedly told it’s a girls disease. In fact, some of them report, among the questions they’re supposed to answer when seeking medical help for eating disorders, is how it has affected their female body, including their menstruation.
It’s also been suggested that eating disorders among males are more common with gay men, although it is just as likely that gay men are more open about it, precisely because of that suggestion. If men are straight and afraid to be seen as gay, having people make a direct connection between eating disorders in men and homosexuality isn’t likely to encourage them to seek help. And manly men are not supposed to care that much about their appearance that they make themselves sick, are they?
Being told you have a narcissistic girly gay disorder (please note the sarcasm), on top of everything else, is probably not high on any guy’s wish list. No wonder so few men seek help.
So yes, even if in basics these disorders behave similar in men and women, some things are different, and finding ‘the male perspective’ was a challenge. I did have some luck though, especially in the patient help of one of my LJ friends who is as much of an expert as a ‘civilian’ can be, having studied this for years and sadly having personal experience in observing male bulimia. Without her input this would have been a lot less realistic than I hope it is.
Anyway…
I kinda suck at writing author’s notes.
A few things:
1. Levothroid is a medication used to treat hypothyrodism. One of its side effects is weight loss and, according to a doctor friend of mine, it’s quite popular among models and he’s repeatedly had girls ask him to prescribe it for them, under the table. This is of course not what it’s for. Very unhealthy.
2. You may have noticed that the script for Supernatural that Jensen is reading for his audition is a little different than the one we know from the Pilot. To my best knowledge this is the version the boys were given at first. If anyone is interested I can upload the .pdf version of it. It’s quite interesting to read but I’m very glad they changed it. No wonder Jensen thought Dean was an asshole. And you probably know that he was first brought in for Sam, although the change to Dean was probably not like this. Lol
3. Want to check out your favourite actor’s Bacon number? Go to Oracle of Bacon and play around.
4. I played a little with the timeline. The album Steve is working on, Rollin On, actually came out half a year earlier. Jensen sings backup on three songs, (I think it is) Wasted Jamie, Rocking Chair and Hummingbird Billy. Guess they managed to persuade him. *g*
5. I know absolutely nothing about golf. If that whole scene was ridiculous, blame Wikipedia for being a lousy source of information. *g*
6. The show Chris can’t wait to be killed off is not Angel, if anyone thought so, but Close to Home. A boring show featuring a whiny lawyer woman who Chris’ character was married to. He was killed in a car accident late in Season 1 and the show lost the little audience it had. Well, I think so anyway. Who really cares?
7. Title taken from an anonymous quote in the book "A New Analysis of Chronology and Geography, History and Prophecy" by William Hales. (1830)
That we may meet again, in that future state, where we shall have more insight than we now have, into those dark and mysterious writings: and discern plainly what we now see, in a mirror distorted and indistinct.
The book has absolutely nothing to do with this story, I just found the quote when Googling and thought it sounded good. *g*
8. Throwing up popcorn is the worst ever. Never eat it if you’re feeling nauseous. Just a sound advice from someone who lost 20 pounds in each of her pregnancies. Morning sickness my ass. More like around-the-clock sickness.
9. The awesome graphics that come with this are all by winchesterxgirl. I gave her some vague idea and she ran with it and made it a hundred times better. I love the way Jensen is looking startled over his shoulder, as if someone is just about to walk in on him, while at the same time his reflection in the mirror continues to stare back at him, so filled with anger and self-hatred. Brilliantly manipped. *hugs her*
Some helpful links:
Bulimia.com This one actually has articles for and about men.
Bulimia Treatment
Books I read:
Hunger pains: the modern woman’s tragic quest for thinness by Mary Piper
Anorexia & Bulimia: your questions answered by Julia Buckroyd
Horfin inn í heim átröskunar by Ásrún Eva Harðardóttir and Þórdís Rúnarsdóttir
Anorexi og bulimi: teori og praksis by Poul-Erik Gaarde Madsen
Hope that all made sense.