I'm told it's nearly Valentine's day. In that case, some of you may find the following information useful ( Read more... )

PETA is a more openly reprehensible organisation than most. When they aren't killing puppies at their no-kill shelters, brainwashing children, and demeaning women for being mammals, however, they apparently come up with delightful nonsense like this: sea kittens. They want people to start calling fish sea kittens. They drew pictures of fish wearing ( Read more... )

Bastard fish got me in the knuckle before I'd even taken a knife to its fat neck. I cursed and laughed at the thing, a big grouper, the spines on its back thick, and sharp, and apparently a fascinating oasis of poisons and bacteria. The knuckle swelled and ached, but we catch ourselves like this often, and that's normal. As my boss mentioned just ( Read more... )

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Monkfish, however delightful and distressing and delicious, most likely ought to be avoided. I'm displeased that we sell it. Besides being overfished, they're bottom feeders and thus caught by trawlers, those weighted and dragged nets that devastate the ocean floor, destroying life and habitat indiscriminately ( Read more... )

Filleting a monkfish feels a lot like giving a bris with your bare hands. Only the infant has a one and a half foot long tumourous monster cock completely covered in thick yet loose foreskin, and the foreskin is coated in pink and grey mucous.


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I am a fishmonger, and my hands are wounded as often as they are not. I am kissed by knives, tricked by oysters, and made swollen and sore by the spines of fish. I ought to tell you what I think of gods and of sacrifice, but for now let me tell you that I know precisely what the gods of the seas from which I pull my livelihood demand. Beings of ( Read more... )

It came to my attention on Saint Patrick's Day that my grandmother and some of my aunts and uncles were under the impression that I don't drink. As they've seen me do so at most family gatherings, it is apparent that their definition of abstinence ignores the consumption of three drinks or less. My dear family, I'm terribly sorry. I was not aware ( Read more... )

In creating the world, evolution, that god multi-limbed beyond reckoning, saw fit to create the oyster, to take a sharp, bastard little rock, and to fill it with food. Yesterday an older gentleman asked me to shuck a few for him, and, in his infinite wisdom and kindness, he tipped me fairly extravagantly for the service. In his honour, I'd like to ( Read more... )

On the worst of days, while enmeshed in the more crushing aspects of toil and drudgery, I like to attempt to incite class war. It lies somewhere between a joke, catharsis, and the smallest hope that my compatriots will join me and we can free ourselves from the evils of capitalism by savagely and gleefully unleashing hell. Recently, however, I was ( Read more... )