i don't think i'll ever be done mourning this.

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friday: his last day of law school. trying to quell my jealousy at hearing about tequila shots on the green while i stagnate at work. the anticipation of celebrating with him is squashed when i speak to him at two and he is at a strip club. i become indignant, so angry i feel like a seizure, and the word 'fine.' spills out of my mouth over and over ( Read more... )

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there are these moments in my life that just feel so bright and instantly right - it becomes ridiculous. the way i feel about him at these points is overwhelming, shuddering, one of the sweetest things. it feels like i've just now opened my eyes ( Read more... )

yesterday i bought new curtains for our apartment, a new duvet cover, a wooden chopping board, and a nightgown.

i am very happy!

we drank from six till two last night, mostly with people from his law school - aspiring prosecutors visibly blacked out, gesturing wildly and begging for a ride across the river to score some coke. the one girl i like from his class was there - a high strung 22 year old, over dressed most of the time in that california way, always 'legitimately ( Read more... )

oh my god. oh my god, please - i think we have made a huge mistake.

i can feel my heart beating in my throat, and it is as if he is lodged there as well. i hate him again, with a new and bright intensity; it feels yellow, solid, and rapid in its growth; young yet, but aging incessantly. a tumor, a flower, a small moon. a different kind of hatred, so much more aware: as if he were the only one, as if for the first ( Read more... )