Fic: I Need You to Trust Me (7/?)
Title: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Rating: PG
Words: ~2,550
Pairing(s): Future R/S
Warning(s): Angst
Summary: Remus and Sirius go to the Lupins' for the holidays and discuss gift ideas and pasts.
Disclaimer: None of the recognizable characters belong to me. They are all property of JKR and co. I make no claim to own them and am not making any profit from the publication of this story.
Prequel || Chapter One || Chapter Two || Chapter Three || Chapter Four || Chapter Five || Chapter Six || Chapter Seven || Chapter Eight
Mary Lupin watches as her husband shrinks the boys' trunks to take them upstairs and then turns, smiling broadly, to face Sirius. "I'm sorry, Sirius, but you'll have to share Remus' room with him while you're here. His aunt and uncle are coming to stay with us, and we've given them the guest room." She dips her head in a small, apologetic gesture. "I hope that's okay? I've asked John to fix up the cot so that it's something a little nicer." It always surprises Remus how easy it was for his mom to brush off her inability to perform magic - she never seems upset or slighted by it in the least.
"Of course it's no problem, Mrs. Lupin," Sirius grins, ever the Romeo. "Remus and I sleep in the same dorm at Hogwarts anyways."
"Just don't keep us up all night with explosions," she says, and Remus can hear the teasing in her voice. His father comes back downstairs.
"I've just put them up there in the middle of the room. You'll have to sort them out and resize them, okay?" He doesn't wait for an answer before putting his coat and boots back on to go outside.
"Where's he going?" Sirius asks, watching the front door close behind the man.
"You'll have to excuse John," Mary says, a slightly pained smile crossing her face. "He didn't have time to drop the hay earlier today and he's been griping about since we left to pick you boys up. I don't know what his problem is; the cows will be fine waiting a bit." Sirius frowns slightly but nods. "Well, your aunt's coming tomorrow, so I've got to sort out a shopping list and do some laundry."
"We can do it, mum," Remus offers - it would take him ten minutes to clean the guest room, where as it will take his mother over an hour to finish everything she wants to do.
"It's okay, Remus. I don't mind. Besides, you boys are on holidays - you should enjoy them." She puts a palm to her son's cheek and strokes her thumb over a scar before dropping her hand to her side. "I left those cookies on the counter for you, if you've a mind to have some." She turns and walks into the living room, leaving Remus and Sirius in the entry way.
"Cows?" Sirius asks, turning to look inquisitively at Remus.
"Yeah," Remus says, pulling off his coat to hang it up, taking Sirius' from him. "My mum grew up on a farm and when her parents died, my father said he would take over the family cattle business."
"What did your dad do before?" Sirius asks, following Remus up the stairs to his bedroom. The walls are lined with pictures of a slowly aging boy, some of them are wizard photos that move and wave cheekily, others are clearly muggle - eerily still in their frames. The boy in the pictures grows and ages as they ascend the stairs, his face gradually becoming more scarred as his arms and legs are eventually obscured from the viewer's eye by long sleeves and trousers as opposed to shorts.
"Sirius?" Sirius snaps his attention away from the most recent photo of Remus - it looks like it was taken just before the beginning of the school year - in which he is wearing a long sleeved shirt and trousers, standing next to horse and smiling broadly into the camera. His hand occasionally sweeps over the horse's flank and every so often the animal flicks its long tail through the air, but otherwise they are both quite still. "Sirius, have you heard anything I've just said?" He is smiling patiently at his friend, a hand on a brass doorknob while he waits for Sirius to come back to him.
"Sorry mate. Didn't know you had a horse." Remus frowns and turns the doorknob, stepping through the door.
"Not anymore. We had to sell her in order to move here. We were just a little short on space. My parents said we might be able to get her back but…" he doesn't finish his sentence as Sirius joins him in the large bedroom. There are two beds on the far wall and bookshelves line most of the walls, trinkets sitting atop them. There aren't any light fixtures in the room, but two large windows let in a sufficient amount of natural light.
"Your bedroom's bloody massive." Sirius walks around the large space, stopping at a desk to rifle nosily through some papers.
Remus grins and shuts the door. "Yes, I was telling you about that when we were coming upstairs, but I don't think you heard me." He walks over to one of the bookshelves and pulls off a thick, leather bound book, flipping it open. "This used to be my grandparents' farm and my mum was an only child. This was actually a study, but my parents wanted to have a guest room for my dad's sister to stay in when she visited. So they converted the study into a bedroom for me. I quite enjoy it - it's actually larger than my parent's bedroom. But they thought I might like all of the books." He smiles down at the book before closing it and putting it back onto the shelf. "This used to be my favorite room to go to when we came and visited."
Sirius stops rifling through the papers on the desk. "How come you never mentioned your grandparents before?"
Remus stills in front of the bookshelf and turns slowly to face the window. It is difficult for Sirius to make out his friend's expression as the winter sunlight shines on his face, making the golden highlights of his hair shine against his skin. "After I was bitten, my grandparents didn't want much to do with us. They had enough trouble dealing with their daughter marrying a wizard. I don't know if they ever really believed it all." Remus rubs his hands over his arms and smiles shakily at Sirius, who is realizing with a shamed rush of hot guilt that he doesn't know his friend nearly as well as thought he did. "We should resize our trunks. Do you want some of those cookies?"
Sirius doesn't say anything for a moment, just stares at Remus for a beat, swallows thickly. "Cookies?" he finally asks.
"Yeah - I told my mom that you ate all of mine. I guess she figured you liked them, so she made you some more."
Sirius finds a small smile on his face as he reaches for his wand, pointing at their trunks and un-shrinking them. "Sounds good to me."
Sirius and Remus come downstairs late in the morning the next day to find breakfast still on the table, if only a little cold from being out for some time. Remus puts the kettle on the stove and leans against the counter, scratching his shin with his heel. Sirius is stuck, suddenly, by how beautiful his friend looks, standing in the kitchen, dressed in his pyjama pants and cotton shirt, hair mussed from sleep and face covered in slight stubble. Remus cocks his head and smiles hesitantly, afraid of the thoughts that might be going through Sirius' head. "What?" he says, his voice loud in the silence of the kitchen.
"What what?" Sirius asks in response, picking a sausage up with his fingers and eating it in one swallow.
"You were staring at me." Remus bends to fix the folded cuff of his pyjama bottoms and by the time he straightens once more, Sirius' has readjusted his face so that he doesn't look shocked anymore.
"Don't know what you're talking about."
"You were -" Remus sighs and shrugs his shoulders as Sirius takes another sausage from the table. "Whatever. Just…tell me if I have something on my face, okay? Do you want a plate?" Remus runs his hand over his face subconsciously before opening a cabinet to get Sirius a plate. He sets it on the table and picks up a piece of toast, takes a small bit out of it. Sirius glares at the plate and defiantly eats without it, watching as Remus pours himself some hot water to make tea. "Do you want some?" he asks, moving to get another mug.
"No, I'm good. Just water." Remus grabs a glass instead and fills it with water from the tap, sets it on the table gently.
"Unless you want to drink it straight from the tap," he says flatly and Sirius knows he's joking, but only because he's known him for so long. He lets out a quiet chuckle and shakes his head, draining the glass in one go.
"Thanks. Didn't know how thirsty I was." Remus refills the glass without being asked and takes another piece of toast. Sirius watches as Remus bites into the buttered bread carefully, chews methodically and swallows. "Remus, can I ask you something?"
"You just did," Remus tells him, fishing the tea bag out of his mug and dropping it into the sink with a splat. "But you can ask me something else, if you want."
"Shut up." Sirius picks up the plate and turns it in his hands, looks at the blue patterns painted around the edges. "Are you…are you eating? Only, I've noticed you've been eating less lately and I'm a little worried. For the last month, or so. And I know usually after the full -"
Sirius is rambling and he knows it, so he's grateful when Remus cuts him off. "I'm eating, Sirius. You must not have been paying attention to me at dinner lately. No, I'm just not particularly hungry today. My aunt Ida is coming, you know. She makes me rather…uncomfortable." Sirius smiles easily and nods, setting the plate back down on the table.
"Why does she make you uncomfortable?"
"I think she's angry at my mum. She seems to resent her for making my dad leave his job. Although, mum didn't make him leave it. He chose to." Remus looks at his thumb and bites the nail carefully, his nose scrunched as he attempts to rip the hangnail from his finger without causing too much pain. "But she's always…a little bit rude to mum. Not noticeably, of course, because dad wouldn't have it. But in a roundabout way."
"Oh yes," Sirius says, leaning against the refrigerator. "I know all about roundabout ways. My family has those perfected." He thinks he does a rather good job of disguising the hatred in his voice, but Remus can read him just as well as he can read Remus. The werewolf offers Sirius a sympathetic smile and sucks in a breath.
"Are you done eating? I should bin all this up and put it away." Sirius nods and watches Remus put the food into containers, seal them and stack them in the fridge. He's never seen food stored that way - carefully sorted and placed in clear containers. He waits until Remus has closed the fridge to sit down at the table.
Remus picks his mug up from the counter and joins Sirius, sitting across from him, and accidently brushing Sirius' leg in the process. "What did you get me for Christmas?" Sirius asks quickly, hoping he can catch Remus off guard.
"Oh no, you're not getting me on that one again. And besides, maybe I haven't bought your gift yet. I thought we were going shopping with Lily and James tomorrow?" He smiles sardonically and lifts his mug in a mock toast to Sirius, drinks some of the steaming liquid.
Sirius rolls his eyes. "You always do your Christmas shopping in July, Moony. I know you've got my gift. What is it?"
"What have you gotten me, then?"
"Oh, no. I can't tell you that."
Remus opens his mouth to reply, but his mother comes into the kitchen and cuts him off. "Good morning, boys. I'm glad you're up. Did you get enough to eat?" She glances at the dishes that Remus has put in the sink and smiles.
"Yes, Mum. Put the left overs in the fridge." She opens the appliance and nods.
"Thanks." She turns to them and her smile flickers for a moment, it's so fast that Sirius almost misses it. "Your father went to pickyour aunt Ida up - just down the lane. They should be back soon." Remus nods and rises from the table.
"We'll go get dressed. There's enough water if you want tea," Remus says, gesturing for Sirius to come with him.
"Thank you, Remus," she says quietly as they leave the kitchen.
When they are upstairs in Remus' bedroom, Sirius falls back onto his bed, which - for having been transformed from a cot - is rather comfortable. He snuggles into the blankets and groans when Remus pulls open the curtains. It's only a small amount, but enough to let the very bright sunlight in so that it burns at Sirius' eyes. "What'd you do that for?" he asks, throwing his forearm over his eyes.
"I need to see what I'm picking out to wear. But I've got to shave first, I guess," Remus says, running his hand over his cheek once more.
"You should leave the stubble," Sirius says without thinking, still comfortable in the bed and worried about going blind. "It's sexy." He can hear the stillness of Remus when he stops moving and the silence is frightening. Sirius doesn't want to move his arm to see how Remus has reacted to his slip of the tongue. Remus' heart is hammering in his chest, his hands on the bottom of his shirt so that he can remove it. He has frozen at the end of his bed and he coughs when Sirius pulls his arm away to look covertly at him. "I didn't…mean…you know, I was just…"
"Joking, yeah," Remus says in a rush. But he pulls his shirt back on and hurries out of the room to shave, leaving Sirius angry with himself and his stupid mouth.
Very soon, the boys are dressed and downstairs, where Sirius is being introduced to Remus' aunt Ida, who looks remarkably like John Lupin and his uncle Ed, who looks nothing like he should be married to a wife so stocky. Remus notes that Sirius is his usual, charming self with both of them, polite and friendly. There is nothing of the nervous boy who Remus ran away from only twenty minutes before. Remus tries to be normal when his aunt Ida hugs him - a little too tight to be affectionate - and his uncle Ed shakes his hand, staring at the scar that drapes over Remus' hand. But Remus' mind continues to drift back to his earlier conversation with Sirius. Remus is sure that Sirius is embarrassed about what was said, he's sure that Sirius is scared Remus doesn't even want to be in a room with him anymore. But Remus doesn't know how to tell him none of that's true. Remus isn't sure how to say that he liked what Sirius said, and that's why he ran from the room.
He can't help wondering if that's even worse that what Sirius is afraid of.