Fic: I Need You to Trust Me (8/?)
Title: Truth
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~2,500
Pairing(s): RL/SB, JP/LE (background)
Warning(s): Angst, hints at homophobia, discussions of past rape
Summary: Remus has a nightmare and finds comfort in his friend, and find the opportunity to return the favor later on during a shopping trip.
Disclaimer: Any and all recognizable characters belong to JKR.
Prequel || Chapter One || Chapter Two || Chapter Three || Chapter Four || Chapter Five || Chapter Six || Chapter Seven || Chapter Eight
When Remus wakes in the middle of the night, his mind is muddled, his cheeks are wet and his throat is sore. The sheets are tangled around him and damp with sweat. Sirius is standing over him with a fearful look on his face. Remus shrinks subconsciously back from his friend's imposing silhouette and fumbles for his wand on the bedside table; as soon as his fingers grip the wood, the wand tip lights without him speaking. Remus realizes his chest is heaving with shallow breaths and he blinks up at Sirius. "What happened?" he asks the boy, swallowing at the dryness in his throat. Remus pulls at his pyjama shirt which suddenly feels too tight around his neck, and stares fearfully up at Sirius. "What's going on?" There's a soft knock on the door and John lets himself in.
Remus' father takes in the scene: Sirius hovering anxiously over Remus, whose eyes are darting everywhere but in John's direction. "Is everything okay?" he asks, his voice gruff with sleep. "Mary thought she heard something."
"Everything's fine Mr. Lupin," Sirius finally speaks. He reaches down to smooth Remus' hair back from his brow. "Remus just had a nightmare." Remus blinks up at his friend once more before looking at his father, who is standing - unsure - in the doorway. He won't leave until his son gives him some sort of confirmation.
"Sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to wake you and Mum up." John nods and backs out of the room, but doesn't close the door all of the way.
"What were you dreaming about?" Sirius asks, walking over to shut the door with an almost silent snick.
"I…I don't know." Remus answers honestly. The last thing he can recall is talking to Sirius about his Uncle Ed's motorcycle shop before falling asleep.
Sirius returns to the side of Remus' bed and regards the boy for a moment. "You were screaming pretty loud." Remus wonders if Sirius didn't see the tears, or if he's intentionally failing to mention them. Either way, he feels his face flush and Noxes his wand, just in case. "You asked someone what they were doing," Sirius mutters and it's almost resentful. As though the words have been forced from his unwilling mouth.
"It was just a nightmare, Sirius." Remus' voice is icy in the darkness of the bedroom. "I'm sorry I woke you."
Silence stretches between them and Remus isn't sure how long it is before Sirius tentative hand passes awkwardly over his neck, cool fingers against burning skin. "Are you ever going to tell anyone about what happened?" His voice is so quiet, Remus knows that he could ignore Sirius and pretend he never heard him.
But he knows that Sirius would just ask again, with more clarity and so he pulls back from the fingers that are gently untangling the knots in his hair and leans against his headboard with a muffled groan. "I don't see how that's any of your business."
"I think it would help if you did," Sirius murmurs cautiously, holding the fabric of Remus' blanket in his hands. Remus doesn't reply, he just rolls over so that his back is to Sirius. It's a good 20 minutes before he hears the rustle of fabric and Sirius' slowing breaths, indicating the other boy has fallen asleep. Remus takes and deep breath and pulls his bedding up around his chin, his knees to his chest and shivers.
"I was reading a book," he says and he hears Sirius' breaths change rhythm. He knows his friend is awake, but he can't stop. Not now that he's started. "And you came into the room, but you were acting a little weird. You were wearing the wrong clothes and you weren't talking much. At first, when you grabbed me, I didn't know what you were doing. I didn't even think I should be scared. But then you…you threw me to the floor and it's all really a blur." He sucks in a shaking breath and wonders if he should really be doing this. He feels sick to his stomach and gets out of bed to stand by the trash can. He can see that Sirius is lying quite still in his bed, the dark shape of his prone form comforts Remus somehow as he sits, cross legged, on the floor and holds the bin to his chest.
"I asked you to stop. I asked you what you were doing, even though I knew by that point." Remus lets out a quiet little sob and tilts forward, resting his forehead on the lip of the bin. "I didn't want to lose you again, Sirius. I gave you so many chances, but then you," Remus lets out a quiet, half-sob, "You went through with it and I knew I wouldn't…couldn't forgive you for that."
"No." Sirius' voice is quiet and cautious in the space that Remus leaves between his words.
"And then it was over so fast and James came upstairs and…well, you know the rest." Remus looks up from the rubbish bin and his heart is pounding but he knows he isn't going to be sick now. "I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone," he says, regaining control of himself, making his body move towards the bed.
"Of course not," Sirius says. And they both pretend to go to sleep.
S&R&S&R&S&R&S&R
When his alarm clock says 7:30, Remus figures it's early enough to get up without causing concern for his parents. He pushes his blankets off and his body falls out of the bed of its own accord, tired of the mind induced prison it has been forced to endure all night. Rising from the floor, Remus looks over to see Sirius watching him hesitantly, and there is something new in his gaze that sends a shiver through Remus' spine and makes him want to simultaneously turn away and run to Sirius all at once. "Is it time to get up?" Sirius asks, and Remus knows that voice. It's the voice of all-nighters, the voice of no sleep. He nods at Sirius and pulls his blankets back until his bed resembles something made.
"I couldn't just lie there anymore," Remus admits when Sirius' back is turned to him. "You want to go for a walk?" He sees the back of Sirius' head move with a short nod. They dress quickly and Remus leaves a note for his mum on the kitchen table before they leave. It's a windy morning and Remus pulls his coat tighter around him. Next to his, Sirius is trying to tuck his hair into his scarf so that it doesn't get even more tangled in the wind. He isn't having much luck. Remus laughs and stops walking to give Sirius a hand; once his hair is safe from the strong gusts of cold air, Remus asks Sirius if he wants to go a see the cows. "It's not too far of a walk," he offers.
"Sure, let's go." Sirius shoves his hands in his coat pockets and grins at the sun rise.
"What's so funny?"
"I've seen hippogriffs and thestrals -"
"Sirius, you can't see thestrals."
"Yeah, but I've seen them eating. And that counts, because that's all most people see. And I've seen all kinds of other animals that muggles will never see. But I've never seen a cow."
Remus laughs and bumps into Sirius as they avoid a hole in the ground and turn down the lane towards the barn. "A lot of muggles have never seen cows."
"Really?" Remus nods and laughs again when there's a loud moo from the barn, stopping Sirius in his tracks. He looks fearfully at Remus and then back to the barn.
"It's okay, that's a cow." Remus puts an arm around Sirius' shoulders. "Most farmers keep their cattle in the pasture unless they're milking them or getting them ready to go to the slaughterhouse. But my dad has a bit of a soft spot for them. He's scared they'll get too cold out there. So overnight, he keeps them in the barn." He opens the large barn door only enough for them to squeeze through, and shuts it immediately upon their entry. Sirius realizes that it's because the cattle, instead of being in stalls of their own, are all milling about the barn together. One smaller cow walks past him, brushing up against his side, in order to get to Remus.
The werewolf reaches out both hands to run them over the animal's face, and it closes its eyes, pressing forward into Remus' touch. Sirius doesn't know anything about cows, but he would bet that this one is enjoying itself. "This is Rebryna," Remus says, running his hands over the cow's chest and then patting her on the back. "She was far too small when she was born and the herd tried to kill her. That's what they do. But my father kept her safe and let me feed her. She doesn't give milk and she's certainly no good for beef, so my dad let me keep her as a sort of pet." The cow butts her head gently into Remus' chest, eliciting a quiet chuckle from the boy. "She gets along okay with the rest of them, now." He notices that Sirius is watching him with silent interest. "Would you like to pet her?" he asks quietly.
Sirius isn't sure what to say - he has pet hippogriffs, which are certainly larger and more imposing than the cow in front of him - but for some reason, there is something different about this herd of animals. He's not sure if it's the lack of magic in their veins, or if it's the love and affection that they've been given by John Lupin, but he's not familiar with this type of animal. He's not sure what to make of the cattle. Before he can answer Remus, though, the boy's hand is reaching out take his and running it over the cow's back. Rebryna stays very still under his hand and though her hair is coarse, she feels so warm under his fingers. Remus pulls his own hand back and Sirius realizes that he misses the other boy's touch, forces himself to stroke the cow and few times on his own before she starts to amble towards the water.
"There," Remus says, smiling brightly. "You can tell James all about that today. I'll bet that's something he's never done."
Sirius shakes his head and they go back to the house for breakfast. Remus' mom has already started breakfast in the kitchen when the boys come in, stomping the snow off of their boots and hanging up their coats. Remus has to grit his teeth to avoid being impertinent when he sees his aunt Ida lounging in a chair, watching his mum rush around the kitchen. It's as though Sirius reads his mind because he's in the kitchen before Remus, asking what he can do to help. "Oh, you boy's don't have to do anything," Remus' mom says, brushing Sirius off politely. But Remus starts to make some coffee anyways and sets Sirius to work on the eggs.
"Sit down and relax," Remus orders her. "You're on vacation, too." It takes some cajoling, but eventually, Mary is seated at the table with a steaming mug of coffee in her hands while the boys finish making breakfast.
"You boys sure are up early for a holiday," Remus' aunt says slowly.
"We couldn't sleep," Remus tells her. "So I took Sirius to meet Rebryna." He grins at his mum. "He's never seen a cow before."
"Yes," Ida says, effectively cutting off his mum's reply. "Because cows are so fascinating." Mary sighs, but she shoots Remus a look that plainly says he is to keep his mouth shut. Sirius, however, either doesn't see her warning look or doesn't care.
"Oh, I found them extremely interesting. I've never seen an animal like that before - one that doesn't have in magic in it. My parents would never let me." Ida just looks at him for a moment and Remus swallows, staring at the back of Sirius' head.
"Are you two going to go shopping today?" Mary asks quietly and the tension seems to dissolve.
S&R&S&R&S&R&S&R
"A what?" James stares at Sirius, eyes wide and listens to the description of the motorcycle. Sirius wishes he had brought the picture that Remus' uncle Ed gave him.
"A motorcycle. I'm going to buy one," Sirius says proudly. He runs his fingers over the soft leather jacket and glances at Remus and Lily, who are looking for something that Remus can give to his mother for Christmas.
"Sirius?" James asks quietly. When Sirius looks at his mate, the boy is staring out the window.
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something…personal?"
"Sure. What's up?" Sirius isn't sure what James wants to know, but there's only one thing that he doesn't want to share with his friend, and he's sure that James won't be asking about that.
"Are you seeing anyone?" James glances at Lily and Remus and looks away quickly. "That I don't know about?"
"No," Sirius says honestly, shaking his head, even though James still isn't looking at him. "Why?"
"Why not?" James asks, finally staring inquisitively at Sirius. "You dated five girls in fifth year alone. And just before winter hols, I thought you were seeing someone in -"
"Kia, yeah. Not anymore, though."
"Why not?" James asks again, and Sirius feels his ears ringing as another customer steps into the shop, the bell ringing on the door.
"I… I don't-"
"Are you gay?" James whispers the last word and moves close to Sirius when he says it, effectively blocking out the rest of the world.
Sirius stares at James and he wants to shake his head, he wants to refute the accusation, but he can't do anything. He can't move at all, his throat is dry and there aren't any words. James is staring at him, there's something discerning in his glare, and Sirius feels a shiver run though him. Goosebumps cover his arms, even under his wool coat. "Why would you ask that?" Remus says from behind him and Sirius finally feels it in him to move. He whirls around to see Remus behind him, holding a bag and regarding James carefully.
James blinks at Remus and shakes his head. "Never mind, doesn't matter anyways." They wait in silence until Lily returns from the loo and then they go for lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius' sandwich tastes like dust in his mouth, but Remus bumps his thigh under the table and he almost chokes on the food, smiles up at him in thanks and finishes eating.