Fic: I Need You to Trust Me (4/?)
Title: Open My Eyes, See That It's You
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~4,000
Warnings: References to rape, slight hints at societally induced homophobia
Summary: Remus faces his first days back in class since Friday night and Sirius does what he can to provide some semblance of assistance.
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, all of this is JKR's and I'm just borrowing it. No profit is being made off of this.
Prequel || Chapter One || Chapter Two || Chapter Three || Chapter Four || Chapter Five
When Remus wakes in the morning, his is the only body taking up space in his small four poster bed. He rolls over and wipes at his face before looking at the clock - it's still early and he could go back to sleep for a little longer if he wanted to, but now that he's awake, his nerves about the day ahead are coursing through his body with a crackling electricity and he believes that fighting for more sleep will be nothing if not fruitless. He forces himself out of the warm fortress of blankets and wraps his arms around his ribcage, pulling the fabric of his shirt tighter around him, wishing he had stopped to put on a pair of pyjama pants the night before. He pads to the small bathroom, running his hand over his face as he makes his way to there, deciding he needs a shave before breakfast. As he approaches the door, he registers that the light is on inside and there is steam billowing from above a small crack between where wall meets entrance. So lost was Remus in his thoughts about the day ahead that he did not notice one of him dorm mates was absent from their beds.
He pushes the door open and steps into the mist filled room, sucking in a breath of hot, damp air as he does so. "Hullo?" he calls, wondering who it is that he is joining in the wee hours of the morning. He doesn't wait for an answer as he digs around for his razor and shaving cream, swipes at the mirror with his hand so that he can see some of his reflection while shaving. The shower turns off with the squeak of old taps and Remus can hear someone rustling around, drying off. He rubs some of the shaving cream over his face, tilting his chin up so that he can get the underside of his neck as well. In the mirror, he sees James reflection climbing out of the shower, towel tied around his waist.
"Morning, Moony. What are you doing up so early?"
Remus grins before tightening his lips once more to ensure he has covered enough of his face with the white foam. "What are you doing up so early, James?" he asks before swiping at his face with the razor. He doesn't want to answer James' question, doesn't want to talk about nerves or shaking hands or inextricable feelings of terror that a 17 year old shouldn't be experiencing. James shrugs and pulls out his toothbrush, squeezing a thick blob of paste onto it.
"Woke up early, couldn't get back to sleep." Remus sees his friends eyes flick over to him in the mirror and James opens his mouth as if to say something, sucks in a small gasp of breath. But he doesn't say anything, just jams his toothbrush into his mouth and begins scrubbing his teeth. Remus tries not to watch as his friend bends to spit in the sink, but he is curious about what the boy is keeping from him. He turns on the tap and rinses some of the foam from his razor blade.
"What were you going to say?" he asks, scraping the underside of his chin in one deft stroke.
"Nothing. It's just…nothing." James sounds slightly dejected and Remus frowns, resting his razor against the side of the sink.
"Is something wrong, James?"
James is rinsing off his toothbrush, tapping it on the edge of the porcelain surface. "It just that…Remus, can I ask you something personal?" Remus narrows his eyes, unsure, but nods. "Why was Sirius in your bed this morning?" Remus blinks and swallows. His hand shakes on the sink and his fingers flex, dropping the razor into the basin with a clatter.
"Sorry, what?" he asks, not sure why it matters to James, or why James' asking matters to him.
"Nevermind," James says, gripping his towel on his hip. "It doesn't matter anyways." And with that he leaves the bathroom, still holding his toothbrush. Remus finishes shaving quickly and wipes his face off with a towel before brushing his teeth. He decides he'll take a shower later and heads back to the dormitory to find sunlight filtering through the windows already, James gone and Sirius beginning to stir in his own bed. Remus wants to dress quickly but his fingers are still shaking as he tries to do the buttons on his dress shirt and he swears quietly with frustration, falling onto his bed. He's been doing this for seven years, he can button a bloody shirt.
"Need some help with that?" Sirius' voice is hoarse with what sounds like sleep, but Remus knows that he can't have been asleep in his own bed for long. Remus shakes his head, doesn't trust himself to speak. He is too stunned by the offer to do anything but drop his hands to his sides when Sirius comes over, not waiting for a verbal answer before beginning to fumble with the buttons of Remus' shirt. He struggles through the first two before glancing up to grin sheepishly at Remus. "Different, doing up another bloke's shirt." Remus nods and gently pushes Sirius' hands away.
"I think I'll be alright now, Padfoot. Thank you." The last two words are sincere, but almost silent, because while Remus really does appreciate the help from his best mate, he is loath to acknowledge how petrified he truly is, or the effect his constant and unshakable humiliation is having on him. Sirius dresses quickly and he and Remus head down to breakfast, not stopping to wait for Peter, who has fallen back to sleep.
James is at the table, arm draped over Lily as he eats the last of his toast and Remus is grateful that at least something is normal about today. He and Sirius sit across from the other two and begin filling their own plates with breakfast food, Remus feels too sick to eat but takes some toast because he's scared that Lily is starting to get suspicious. "We were just discussing what Professor Slughorn will have us do in class today," Lily says, more to Remus than to Sirius because she still isn't overly fond of the latter. James rolls his eyes a little and Remus offers him a sympathetic smile. "He's been mentioning Amortentia a lot lately," Lily says with a fiendish glint in her eye.
Remus doesn't say anything as James starts to tell Lily why love potions are useless bunk, because now he's thinking about potions, which of course they've got with Slytherin, and his toast suddenly feels like crushed saw dust in his too wet mouth. He feels an overwhelming itch just under his skin and scratches at his nose absently, feeling a hot sense of shame suffuse him. He hopes that he isn't blushing, but his face feels hot beneath his cool fingers. "Morning, Pete," James calls, effectively derailing Remus' train of thought as their blonde haired friend sits down. Peter nods as Remus pushes his plate away from himself.
"'m not hungry," Remus declares, rising from the table. "I'll see you in class." And before he knows it, he's making his way from the Great Hall, following his feet blindly and leaving his friends confused staring quietly at his back. Remus finds himself in the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet with hands grappling on the slippery surface, disgusted that his knees are on the filthy floor and his thighs are pressing against the cool porcelain of the underside of the toilet, and who knows what's down there? His bag is next to him, spilling quills and parchment onto the floor and he doubles over the toilet, gagging on the absence in his stomach, wishing he had eaten more at breakfast so that he could be properly sick. His shaking fingers fumble for the lever and he presses down to flush the water away even though there's nothing in it. Wiping sweat from his forehead he leans back against the wall of the small cubicle and hears the resounding thump of his head landing on the hard surface. He shakes his head, mortified. Remus was sure that he could handle this, he was sure that he was fine. But as he pulls his feet out from under him, feeling the stirrings of a foot cramp, he realizes he's not so sure anymore.
Someone comes into the loo and walks over to the sink, turns on the tap and splashes the water around for a moment. Remus holds his breath and wonders if they'll notice a boy crouched on the floor. "Thought I might find you in here," the person says. And it's a voice that's almost familiar, that almost speaks of safety, but it's not exactly that. He recognizes Regulus' voice but doesn't respond. "I know what happened to you, Remus."
"You don't know anything," Remus chokes, because he can't know. Nobody should know.
"Yes, I do. And I bet you want to know why." His voice doesn't sound spiteful or cruel as Remus might expect, it's just flat. There's no hatred, but there's no caring there either. Remus finds himself drawn to the emptiness.
"Why?" he whispers, pulling his knees up.
"I can't tell you here. But meet me in the Astronomy tower tonight."
"How can I trust you?" Remus asks carefully. How can I trust anyone?
"You'll just have to, won't you?" And Regulus doesn't wait for a response, doesn't give him a time, just turns off the tap and leaves the bathroom. Leaves Remus. Remus sits still for a moment but decides he'll have to go to class - he misses enough because of the full moon as it is. He pushes his things back into his bag and forces himself to rise from the floor, brushes his trousers and robes off and pulls the lock to open the cubicle door.
"Sirius," he says upon opening it. "I didn't hear you come in."
"Must've been lost in your own thoughts." Sirius holds out a hand to take Remus' bag but Remus ignores him and shoulders it, moving to wash his hands quickly. "What was Regulus doing in here?" he asks quietly, standing next to Remus, so close that Remus can smell the doggishness of him. "What he bothering you?"
Remus shakes his head, a lock of hair falling in front of his eyes. He pushes it out of the way with his wet hands before wiping them on his trousers. "He wants to tell me something, I think." They leave the loo and begin their journey to the potions classroom, Remus guesses that James and Peter are already there. "He asked me to meet him at the Astronomy tower tonight."
"What?" Sirius sounds worried, anxious. "You're not going, are you?" Remus doesn't reply, just bites his lip. "Remus, you can't be thinking of going. What if it's another…sick joke of theirs?"
At the thought, Remus insides churn nauseatingly, he wishes he hadn't left the bathroom so hastily. "Sirius, he said he could tell me why."
Sirius glares at Remus. "You can't go," he states stubbornly.
"I've got to." Remus sighs when Sirius refuses to relent. "I've got to know why, Sirius." The werewolf runs a hand through his hair as they round the corner to their classroom.
"Fine." Sirius lets out a snort of anger. "But I'm coming with you."
Remus is glad, for once, that's he's paired with Peter for potions. Lily is with Severus and they are at the table next to his. He feels a burning flush of emotion painting his cheeks when the Slytherin looks at him, tries to make eye contact with him, but Peter is even worse at potions than Remus and their combined inaptitude means they have to focus in order to be able to even attempt to get the potion right. On their other side, James and Sirius keep shooting covert looks, first at Remus and then at Severus. Remus appreciates that they don't say anything all class, he appreciates that they stay quiet until the end when Sirius is going to hand in a vial of their completed potion and he accidentally elbows Severus in the rib cage. Surprisingly, Severus doesn't say anything. He just emits a quiet grunt of pain and continues walking as though nothing has really happened.
His next block is a spare and Remus goes back to Gryffindor tower while Sirius and James go to practice for Quidditch (even though they really don't need to) and Peter is off doing something else. Remus finds himself lying on one of the couches in the common room, hands resting on his stomach as he stares despondently into the fire. When Regulus had first told him to meet him in the Astronomy tower, Remus had been scared, but his longing to know why he was treated so terribly outweighed his fear. Now though, after Sirius insisted that he not go, Remus is starting to reconsider. Would Sirius not know his brother better than anyone else? Was Sirius' fear not reason enough for Remus not to go? Remus closes his eyes and groans, wondering why it is that something like this had to happen to him. Remus is not generally given to self-pity, however, in times such as these ones, it feels to him that self-pity is practically unavoidable.
"Remus?" Lily's quiet voice interrupts him and he opens his eyes to see her crouching in front of him, perching herself on the coffee table. He doesn't say anything to her, but she knows that he is listening. "Did I do something wrong?" she asks nervously. "Only you haven't been talking to me since Friday night and I can't figure out why."
"I've been talking to you," he says quietly. He hates this. He hates that he can't talk to Lily because he's too embarrassed she'll find out how weak he is and then she'll hate him for the rest of his life. And he's sure that if James has to pick Lily or him, James is going to pick Lily. Because who wouldn't choose the beautiful, kind, sweet red-head over the scarred and used werewolf? Remus doesn't want to lose two friends in one.
"Yes, but not like normal. I feel as though you're keeping something from me," she says. She reaches out to take his hand and he doesn't flinch but she feels him stiffen under his touch. "Are you upset with me?" she begs him to answer, pulling her hand away and not bothering to try to conceal the hurt in her face.
He shakes his head sadly and closes his eyes because he can't bear to see what he's doing to her. "No, I'm not. Lily, I'm not upset with you at all." He clenches the fabric of his jumper between his fingers, hears her shift her position.
"You know you can talk to me, right, Remus?"
"Of course," he says stiffly.
"Right then," her voice has gone flat and a little cold. "Well, just let me know when you're done keeping secrets from me, won't you?" Remus hears her walk away and he groans inwardly, pinching the bridge of his noise when he feels prickling at the back of his eyes. It isn't fair. First he lost his virginity to Severus against his will, and now James is keeping secrets from him and Lily doesn't trust him and it just isn't fair because his life was already fucked up enough before Friday night. He slams his fist angrily into the padding of the cushion behind his head and lets out a muffled sob before falling off of the couch to rush upstairs.
When he finds himself standing in the middle of the dormitory at a loss for what to do, Remus decides to take a shower and skip lunch - he's not hungry anyways. He goes into the bathroom and turns on the water, sticking his hand under the spray for second before stepping back to undress. Remus still isn't completely comfortable with his body yet - he was a late bloomer and his late puberty combined with the overabundant scars crisscrossing his skin makes him wary of looking at himself when he's undressed. He closes his eyes and steps under the warm deluge of water, placing one of his hands on the cool stone tiles to support himself. He uses the other hand to reach back and take the tie out of his hair, dropping it lamely to the floor. His shampoo smells like coconut when he squeezes it into his palm and massages it into his hair. The problem with sham, Remus thinks as he rinses the suds from his scalp, is that it never leaves you. There is no way to wash it off or cleanse yourself of it. It latches on to and makes itself a sickening part of you.
Remus tilts his head back and opens his mouth to admit some of the spray. His time is running out and he doesn't want to be late for History of Magic, so he reluctantly turns off the water and steps out, dries off quickly before fastening the towel around his waist and leaving the bathroom. "Sirius!" he yelps upon opening the door and finding said boy sitting cross legged on his bed. "Why aren't you at lunch?" He turns his back on his friend to grab a pair of pants and yank them on quickly.
"I noticed you didn't eat much at breakfast, and then you weren't at lunch." He neglects to mention the throwing up after breakfast, and for that, Remus is grateful.
"I'm not hungry," Remus says, deciding which socks to wear.
"I thought you might say that. But you really should eat something, Moony. I brought you some bread. Will you at least eat some of it?" Remus turns to look at Sirius while he's pulling on his socks and sees that the boy is holding out a stack of buttered bread, eyes plaintively begging Remus to take some. To keep Sirius from pestering him further, Remus takes a slice from the top. "See, that's not so bad. Is it?" Sirius asks, and Remus is sure that he does so while Remus is chewing so that he is unable to respond.
Remus swallows down the single piece of bread before continuing to dress. "Are you okay Remus?" Sirius asks quietly. When Remus looks up from doing his zipper, an eyebrow raise, Sirius sighs. "I mean, I know you're not okay,but…Nevermind. We need to talk about what we're doing tonight. And when we're going."
Remus picks at one of the patches on his trousers and glances around the room. "I don't know when. As for the how….I thought we could nick the cloak."
"You don't know when?"
"No. I told you that he didn't say what time."
"Shit…well, I guess we're just going to have to check the map every so often. I'll bet the prick expects you to stand around waiting for him all night." He glares silently out the window for a beat and Remus knows that his best friend's mind is far away. Then Sirius blinks himself back to the present. "I was thinking I could go as Padfoot. Regulus doesn't know."
Remus grimaces. "And what am I supposed to say? 'Oh, yeah, I just picked up this massive stray dog in the Gryffindor common room!'?" Sirius opens his mouth but Remus cuts him off. "No, Sirius. We need to cloak."
Sirius crosses his arms, but there is a flicker in his eyes that tells Remus he has won the argument already. "Fine, but we'll have to ask James. Last time I took the cloak with asking for it, he went bloody spare." Remus nods his assent.
With James' permission, Remus and Sirius have taken the Invisibility cloak and map to the library where they are watching closely for any movement under the guise of studying for their Transfiguration exam. It isn't late when they see Regulus' footsteps leave the Slytherin common room, but just as he's wiping the map, Remus sees that Lucius and Bellatrix are following the youngest Black at a distance. He shows Sirius who pulls a face. "I don't know if we should go," he says quietly, which shocks Remus. Sirius Black is never one to back down.
When Remus shrugs his shoulders, Sirius can read through the feigned indifference but doesn't say anything. "Nothing short of Severus' presence could keep me away tonight," Remus mutters, buttoning his cardigan before throwing the cloak over Sirius and checking to make sure he can't see any of the boy. "Let's go." Remus is breathing heavily as they walk the short distance to the tower, and Sirius can't help but wonder if his friend is having second thoughts.
"We can turn around," he offers in a near silent whisper. "No body's going to think any less of you if you don't go. No one will know."
"I don't want to," Remus hisses through the corner of his mouth and soon they are scaling the stairs to the Astronomy tower, Sirius careful not to trip on the overlong edges of the invisibility cloak. When they reach the top of the stairs, both of them are surprised to find Regulus alone, staring out over the turrets. He hears Remus' careful steps and turns quickly.
"I only just got here," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "Good timing."
"Grand," Remus mutters, glancing around for any signs of the other two Slytherins. Regulus either doesn't notice the flatness of Remus' voice, or he doesn't care.
"I think I might have been followed, so we don't have long. But you want to know why Severus raped you?"
Remus feels an unnatural amount of saliva fill his mouth as the words spill carelessly out of Regulus' mouth. This boy is the first one to say it, to give the events of Friday night their proper name and suddenly Remus feels like everything is so much worse than it was mere seconds ago. He clutches at his stomach as it rolls and groans, leaning back against the cold, stone wall to keep from toppling. He glares at Regulus and nods curtly. "Yes."
"It was an initiation," Regulus says calmly.
"An initiation?" Remus balks.
"Yes," Regulus says, scratching at his wrist. "Into the Dark Lord's circle." Remus swallows thickly and frowns. "He was to…deflower the werewolf, as it were." Regulus says it with such a carelessness, as though Remus isn't a human who will feel the pain of having something so important stolen from him. Then, Remus thinks, perhaps that is how Regulus feels. There is an angry blush spreading across Remus' chest, he can feel the heat underneath of his sweaters and he can hear Sirius' angry breaths coming from somewhere close to his right ear. He is surprised that Sirius has managed to stay hidden for this long. For a length of time, Remus stares at a chip in the stone and Regulus stares at Remus. Finally, Remus manages to find his voice, though it is shaking with emotion.
"And my wand? Why did he take my wand?"
"Oh, that was just a prank. He had planned to give it back eventually."
Remus laughs humorlessly. "Oh, of course. I can't believe I didn't think of that one myself. Just a harmless prank." Regulus nods sharply and it takes another moment for Remus to regain enough composure to ask his next question. "But why are you telling me?" he finally says.
Regulus opens his mouth to respond but there is a sudden movement behind Remus and the invisibility cloak is lifted from Sirius' head. Remus spins to see why Sirius has chosen now, of all moments, to reveal himself and is instead greeted with Bellatrix's rude smile and Lucius' hand, grasping the silvery fabric of the cloak. "Boys," Bellatrix says slowly, "we've been expecting you."