The Cross ~ (1/1)

[clawofcat]

Title: The Cross
Author: ClawofCat
Timing: Season 6, Post-Wrecked
Rating: PG
Pairing: Implied B/A and B/S
Word Count: 360
Summary: Today she chooses something different. Today she wears a cross.

A/N: Written for 

Comments

[kudagirl]

That cross was given to a very young innocent girl. That girl had disappeared completely. Poor Spike ends up getting all the anger that the men who hurt Buffy in the past deserved. "Kick the Spike" was a fitting nickname for how she treated him and his love. They both deserved better than they got.

[clawofcat]

Poor Spike ends up getting all the anger that the men who hurt Buffy in the past deserved.
The anger (but mostly sadness) that Buffy feels in this story isn't meant to be motivated by the men that have hurt her in the past. The difficulty she faces here is that her own changes are quite clear to her, and they're not for the better. So the hurt stems from what she perceives as a failure on her part rather than the failure of others. She's wrong, she hurts people she loves, etc. Spike's enabling of that behavior - of Buffy's worst fears about herself - makes it an easy place to escape to.

"Kick the Spike" was a fitting nickname for how she treated him and his love.It takes two. Spike is as culpable as Buffy is in enabling her behavior. Both of them made some poor choices in their relationship. I certainly wouldn't call Spike the blameless party. But given her past experiences, how could she, in good conscience, trust the love he offered? Her hang-ups about Spike stem as much from her own insecurity about what she is/does to men as

[kudagirl]

Your first comment says it isn't about the past relationships effecting how Buffy treats Spike, but your second comment says she couldn't trust Spike because of her past relationships.

We are a sum of all our experiences. Our past colors everything we are. It's up to us to allow our past to rule our current lives or to chose to change. Buffy was afraid and couldn't allow anyone close because of her father, Angel, Parker, Riley, the loss of her mother, and the teaching of the Council and Giles. All these things colored her feelings about herself and how Spike could never love. When she refused to accept his love as real he tried to used her fears of not coming back right to draw her to him. Not a healthy relationship on either side. If she had chosen to deal with her issues then she might have had happiness with Spike who did love her and would have given her anything she wanted or needed. Love the story.

[kudagirl]

Sorry, didn't realize I wasn't logged in when I replied. Duh.

[mere_ubu]

I'm sooo far behind in fic but wanted to say how beautiful and sad this is. I love this line:

There’s only one place to go to be the person she’s become, the person she hates and wants to tear off like an accessory.

Poor Buffy. Poor Spike. Poor everyone!

[clawofcat]

It is sad. Poor Buffy's got a lot of self-loathing to work through. Which, uh, she'll actually do in about half an hour. The sequel to this is with Eowyn as we speak.

[framedinlove]

Oh God, what a stunning piece this is! *loves* You've portrayed Buffy so very beautifully here - the characterization is just spot-on - and as painfully honest of a one-shot as this is, it also feels really good to be given this opportunity to get a glimpse of what's going on inside of her head when all we saw in the series were the actions resulting from that inner turmoil

[clawofcat]

Glad you liked it. It's been great seeing the response these two ficlets have gotten, especially because they're so short! Makes me puff out my chest a little bit as a representative of the 'short' fiction genre in fandom.

You've portrayed Buffy so very beautifully here - the characterization is just spot-on
*beams* That's wonderful to hear. My beta also told me that she thinks my best character is depressed!Buffy, which I think is a total compliment because IMO a lot of people get her wrong. She's a very layered character to write and I really love sinking my teeth into her. And you have every right to get teary reading about like this. It's tragic. Our poor heroine *hugs her*

Even as I find it comforting that at least when she's alone she's still able to cry, I just know that it can't be enough when you're downward-spiraling as fast as she is.Absolutely. I thought it was a nice contrast that while she's swimming in despair, she's also trying to get rid of all magical temptation for rock-bottom Willow. Through it all, she's still

[framedinlove]

You are one of my most detailed commenters I've ever seen. Everytime you review it seems like you've really thought about what you just read.

I guess I just can't help it, lol. Every time I finish reading something amazing (and your fics are always of the amazing kind) I feel like I'm about to burst with emotions and thoughts and associations and stuff I want to say. My mind is buzzing and my heart's singing (being it a happy or a sad tune - both equally wonderful) and it's all very disorderly and intense. At that point the best I can do as far as making any sense of it goes is make notes. Those I write fast - those almost unreadable, language-mixing scribbles - to make sure I wont forget anything. Then I'll usually sleep on it, give my brain a bit time to get it all in order, and write out the feedback the next day after reading the fic in question again. That's what kind of weirdo of a reviewer I am, lol. I probably I couldn't write a less detailed comment even if I tried.

What's the time different between NYC and Finland?If I'm

[red_satin_doll]

Because if the alternatives are being totally, completely empty, numb, detached and folded or angry and cruel and mean and full of hate I'd take the latter combination any time. The ability to be angry means that there's still some fight left in you. And if you can hate, or crave and need (even if it's something or someone you think you shouldn't) you're still feeling and as an alternative to not feeling at all that's million times better. It may sound...I don't know, a bit nihilistic maybe, but I think that sometimes it's the most gruesome stuff that'll keep you alive long enough to give you a chance to make it through.This may be four years too late but - WORD. (whatever the hell that means; I'm new to LJ) When I've been at my most depressed - numb, apathetic, tired, not giving a damn, unable to move or think, I've actually admired my father for making a choice (he ended his life) because it IS an action, a choice, and when I can't make a single move, even the worst and most terribly choices, like his, seem a mark of some sort of

[ladycallie]

Bloody brilliant!

[clawofcat]

Thank you! Glad you liked this wee ficlet :D

[red_satin_doll]

I've already left a very LONG comment about Burn Marks, so I'll try not to ramble too much here. But the way you portray Buffy in S6 is a thing of beauty to me, twisted painful beauty that makes me want to cry for her because you UNDERSTAND. Having compassion for her is NOT the same thing as condoning, as you clearly know and prove with your stories. The last two lines of the story are harsh and brutal. (the first time I read it, I thought the "the person she hates and wants to tear off like an accessory" was referring to Spike; I had to reread to understand she's thinking of herself. And that's very much in-canon; so much of what she says to Spike is not about him but about herself. Even the command "Stop loving me" is a cry for help from someone who doesn't believe she is worthy of love; by saying it she is acknowledging his love as something real, something she can't bear to allow either one of them to have or enjoy. She is falling apart here - has been ever since she died the first time (and perhaps even earlier, with her

[clawofcat]

the way you portray Buffy in S6 is a thing of beauty to me, twisted painful beauty that makes me want to cry for her because you UNDERSTAND.Thank you so much for the lovely compliment. S6 Buffy was definitely one I spent a lot of time with and I adored writing her during this time. Buffy has a vast, emotional inner life to explore with many layers of negativity, self-hate. But she wouldn't feel it so if she didn't have hope, an expectation, a desire of what she sees for herself. Buffy's struggle has always been as much about her current predicament at any given time as it is how it either aligns or is at odds with her vision of herself and future. The girl is full of hope and desires that are so often unfulfilled, but yet she carries on because the only alternative is death