FIC: "The First Step Is The Hardest" 1/2 (Harry Sinclair, Karl Urban, Orlando Bloom)

[azewewish]

Title: "The First Step Is The Hardest"
Authors: Brenda & Jo (azewewish & idiosyncratic)
Featuring: Dave Wenham, Harry Sinclair, Karl Urban, Lawrence Makoare, Orlando Bloom, Viggo Mortensen
Rating: R (language)
Disclaimer: Vampires still don't exist. And Orlando's still not Karl and/or Harry's pet.
Summary: Orlando fled to London months ago. Viggo thinks he's been gone long enough. Takes place about three months after Self-Preservation.



"Karl, if I could have a word with you in private when you have a moment."

Viggo didn't exactly phrase it as a question, which wasn't precisely unusual. Viggo wasn't normally one for asking when a subtly-worded "request" would work just as well. However, there was something about this one that gave Karl pause - maybe it was in the lines bracketing Viggo's mouth, or perhaps the way he'd been looking across the room at Harry when he'd said it. Either way, rather than give his usual flippant response, Karl simply nodded, then watched as Viggo exited the room.

Harry was still in deep conversation with Sean and Gina - no doubt discussing the latest proposed trade agreement with China's government (it had been the most contentious topic at tonight's meeting), so Karl was able to slip away without comment. He didn't bother knocking before stepping into Viggo's office.

He settled into the chair across from Viggo's desk with a nonchalance he was far from feeling, and crossed his ankles, resting his hands across his stomach. "Normally, I'd wonder what rule I'd broken this time, but I've actually been behaving lately."

"For a change," Viggo drawled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. "I'll get to the point. When am I getting my assistant back?"

Orlando. Instantly, Karl could feel his body tensing, and forced himself to relax. "I have no idea," he finally replied. "Neither Harry nor I have heard from him since his plane landed at Heathrow."

Viggo's brows came together in an impressive frown. "It's been over three months."

Karl swallowed the sarcastic retort that immediately came to mind. Good sense told him that now was definitely not the time. "Has it?" he asked, settling for non-committal and trying not to shift. "I -"

"If the next words out of your mouth are that you hadn't noticed," Viggo said, pinning Karl with a steely gaze, "you might want to rethink them."

For a long moment, Karl said nothing. A dozen responses came to mind and were just as quickly discarded. The truth - that neither he nor Harry had the first clue what was going on with Orlando - was the first casualty. "He'll come home when he's ready."

"That," Viggo said, leaning forward to brace his forearms on his desk, "is exactly what you said about my last assistant. Do I need to remind you how that turned out?"

"You were the one that initially sent Dave to London. Need I remind you of that?" Karl was aware he was playing with fire, but fuck it. If Viggo wanted to level accusations, Karl had some of his own.

Viggo didn't even blink. "The longer this drags on, the worse it's going to look for Orlando's application for the Gift. I won't be able to override the Council a second time."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying he's been away long enough. Whatever drove him away from you and Harry has been allowed to go on long enough. Either he's back in his office within the next two weeks or he won't have one to come back to. Is that clear enough for you?"

"Crystal," Karl ground out through clenched teeth. His hands gripped the arms of the chair. "Are we finished?"

"For now," Viggo said, and his calm demeanor made Karl want to hit something.

Instead, he shoved from the chair and walked out of the office, taking a tiny, savage delight in slamming the door behind him. //Puppy, we need to talk.//

He stalked through the hallways, ignoring the voices calling out to him, the assistants scurrying from his path with a quickness that would have been funny if he wasn't so pissed. It was only Harry standing directly in his way that pulled him to a halt.

"What the hell is going on?"

"I've just been ordered by Viggo to drag Orlando back to Los Angeles." Karl poked a finger at Harry's chest. "So I suggest you call to get the plane fueled and ready to go."

Harry's gaze dropped pointedly to Karl's finger, then lifted. "And why am I accompanying you on this errand? Orlando's made it abundantly clear that he has no intention of coming home any time soon."

The unruffled reply just pissed Karl off even more. "We are going because he's our pet. Unless, of course, you want to abdicate your responsibilities towards him. In which case, you're still getting on the fucking plane and telling Orlando your decision in person."

A muscle ticked in Harry's jaw. Finally, a reaction. "I'm not abdicating my responsibilities. If anything, Orlando is."

"Fine," Karl replied. "Then you won't mind helping me make sure he comes home where he belongs. At this point, he might have forgotten that he's no longer Dave's."

"Or maybe he's decided he made a mistake," Harry snapped, and something in his voice made Karl pull up short. "Either way, it's his decision whether or not to come home."

"Don't give me that bullshit," Karl growled. "He is ours, and he belongs with us. If he's changed his mind, we'll deal with that, but I'm done with sitting here waiting."

"Then go get him."

With a Herculean effort, he tamped down on his anger, refusing to get into a fight in the middle of Council chambers. But once they were home... "I am," he said, striving for any sort of equilibrium. It was, unsurprisingly, in very short supply. "And you, Harry Robert Sinclair, are coming with me. End of story."

"We're not on a battlefield, and you are no longer my liege lord," Harry reminded him. "I'm no longer yours to order as you see fit."

"I don't particularly care. If I have to knock you out and hogtie you to get you on the plane, I'll do it."

Harry's smile was all teeth. "I'd love to see you try."

He should have known threats wouldn't work. They never did, and one of these centuries, he'd remember that. "Fine. Stay home and hide, but just remember you'll be no better than Orlando if you choose to avoid the problem rather than confront it."

"Has it occurred to you that he doesn't want to come home? It's been over three months, and we haven't heard a word from him. I'd say that tells us all we need to know."

"Then he can tell us his decision in person," Karl said, ignoring the jolt of fear at the possibility that they could lose Orlando the way they had Dave. Not this time. "Either way, I would have you by my side."

"Fine," Harry bit out. "I'll come. But only to keep you from flying off the handle."

"Me?"

"I doubt your temper will improve during the flight, old man. Someone should be there to make sure you don't rip Orlando to shreds before he's had his say. He may have abandoned us, but he's still under our protection until he decides otherwise."

"Fuck you," Karl spat, giving Harry a dark look. "I won't hurt the child - and do not bring up that fight - and he is not leaving us."

Maybe if Karl said it often enough and loud enough, he'd start to believe it. Orlando wouldn't abandon them, not after everything they had been through. Karl knew him better than that.

"I already said I would come," Harry said, voice dangerously low. Karl heard the warning in it, but he was too far gone to give a damn.

"Then I suggest, again, that you call and get the plane fueled," Karl said, spinning on his heel, the conversation finished. "I'm going home to pack."

"Why?" Harry called after him. "You really think we'll be there long enough for a change of clothes?"

Karl ignored him. It was either that or belt him, and somehow, he thought Viggo might object to the two of them using the Council meeting chambers as a sparring room.

***

Harry waited until the plane had cleared the runway and they were nearing cruising altitude before speaking again. He'd changed into jeans and a Henley (Karl wondered if he'd chosen black on purpose), but didn't look any more relaxed. Karl knew how he felt. If anything, the last hour had only served to exacerbate his temper.

"I take it we're not warning Orlando or Dave that we're coming," Harry said, standing the second the fasten-seat-belt sign turned off. He started prowling the space like a caged lion.

Karl shrugged. "I see no reason to give either of them time to concoct a suitable story. We both know Dave's first loyalty will be to Orlando," he added, and the thought also rankled. Orlando didn't need protection from either of them, and, in any case, Orlando was no longer Dave's to protect. But the more he thought about Orlando's absence - Orlando's disappearance - the more he wondered if they'd all made a mistake in allowing Orlando to go through with the unmaking.

"And I commend him for that," Harry said, barely glancing at Karl as he passed by. "But Orlando is no longer his responsibility."

"What if we made a mistake?"

Harry stopped mid-step. "Which mistake would that be?"

Alright, so Harry was going to be deliberately obtuse. Karl gave him a flat look. "Allowing him to go through with it."

Strong arms crossed over a broad chest, and Harry returned Karl's look with a bland one of his own. "Should I remind you now or later," he said, "that I was against that decision originally?"

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Harry held his thumb and forefinger an inch or so apart. "Maybe a little bit. But I think it's deserved. You've indulged Orlando's every whim for far too long, and we're all paying the price for it. And before you start, I know I haven't done the best job at reining either of you in. Which is the real reason I said yes to this trip."

"It's good that you realize that," Karl replied, then sighed. Holding onto his anger was taking up far too much energy. "Maybe I haven't done a good job with him. But..."

Harry gently kicked Karl's foot. "Out with it, old man. You'll feel better."

Karl lifted his eyes to meet Harry's, and saw no judgment there - only patience. It helped to steady him. "Indulging him was the only way I knew to compete with you," he finally admitted, ashamed of himself for the thought.

"I always knew you were more bothered than you'd been letting on by how much he'd been gravitating to me," Harry said, and dropped into the seat next to Karl's. He held out an arm, and Karl didn't think twice before putting his head on Harry's shoulder and letting Harry draw him close.

"I lost him to you in the hallway that night."

"As you keep reminding me, it's not a competition," Harry pointed out. "And you didn't lose him. He's ours."

"No, Harry, he's yours," Karl contradicted. "I was just smart enough to bond to him before you did. Do you ever think of how different everything would have been if I had waited?"

"Sometimes," Harry shrugged. "But most of the time I think it was the right decision in the long run. As much as I love Orlando and the ways he's enriched our lives, I never would have been able to handle the full force of his attention and adoration on my own. Having you to temper it...it helps."

Karl let out a small harrumph. "Why do I feel like one of those backup quarterbacks on one of those American football teams you own?"

Harry brushed a kiss across Karl's forehead. "You're far more than that, and you know it. You were the one he chose first."

"Only because he hadn't met you yet."

Harry's eyes were kind, but serious, as he studied Karl. "Please tell me you're not thinking of doing something noble and stupid."

"It would simplify matters."

"And it would break his heart."

"I would still be in his life," Karl pointed out. "Just not in the same capacity."

"Karl..." Harry paused and rubbed at his eyes before looking at Karl again. "He refused to even consider the idea of it in Turkey."

"He hadn't had time to think it through," Karl said, wondering why he was pushing the issue. Yes, it would simplify things. But Karl couldn't deny he hated the idea of losing that part of his connection to Orlando. "Maybe that's why all this has happened."

"No, it's happened because he's a spoiled brat," Harry replied. "And you indulge him far too much. But if you're going to insist on this course of action, just make sure you do it when I'm there so I can watch him belt you one."

Karl waved away the idea with a negligent wave of his hand. "How do you know that he's hasn't been hiding out in London with Dave because he wants to end his bond with me and is afraid of our reaction?"

"Because Orlando, for all of his faults and foibles, is far too much of an open book when it comes to his emotions. He's not Dave." Harry tilted Karl's chin up with his thumb. "And while I will definitely be having words with Dave over his part in aiding and abetting Orlando's actions these last months, this...whatever it is that's keeping Orlando from us, it's not you. Or me. It's him."

Karl nodded, conceding the truth in the statement. "You think it has something to do with whatever happened between him and Aubrey."

"I do. Has she talked to you about it yet?"

Karl shook his head. "She said she was respecting his - and I quote - 'ridiculous wishes on the matter', but it doesn't take a genius to figure out he slept with her. What I don't understand is why he felt like he couldn't tell us about it."

"I've long ago given up on ever figuring out how Orlando's brain is wired."

"Probably a good thing."

After a few minutes of silence, Harry sighed. "Do you truly think he did?"

"Slept with her? Oh, I have no doubts."

"As it happens, I agree with you. His bond was a mess that day, and I'm beginning to think it had nothing to do with what had happened between us earlier."

"You mean your non-fight about you not giving him a timetable in giving him the Gift?" Karl asked. "I think that might've been one factor in what led to him sleeping with Aubrey, but I don't think it was the sole reason. You and I both know he's been heading on this path for over a year, perhaps longer. He's already half in love with Monica, although I'm just as glad he didn't wait until he could be with her. She would have eaten him alive if she'd been his first." He stopped and frowned when Harry just smiled at him. "What's so amusing?"

"Just you," Harry said, brushing a kiss across Karl's lips.

Karl refused to be mollified. "What about me?"

"Thinking that you have nothing to offer Orlando or that you don't know him inside and out." Harry was still smiling. "You saw something I didn't, and I'm just as bonded to him as you are. I think that should answer any concerns you have about whether or not you two are meant to be together."

"I think that might be part of the problem. You should know him the way I do."

"Karl, we've only had the full pet bond a little over a year," Harry reminded him. "It will come with time. However, if it mollifies your ego, I think you're right about how Orlando feels about Monica. The child had to get over his unreasoning terror when it came to beautiful, strong women. If you're correct about Aubrey, and if she had a hand in helping him with that, I owe her."

"Maybe that's the real reason he doesn't want to come home," Karl said. "Maybe he's found himself a beautiful woman and he's decided he doesn't need us anymore."

"If anyone could change allegiances that fast and fall in love that quickly, it'd be Orlando," Harry agreed. "Although I still like to think he'd let us know of his decision in person. He was there for the fallout with Dave."

"Speaking of, what are we going to do about him?" As reluctant as Karl was to bring it up, it was better that they discuss this now, when it was just the two of them, rather than in London, when emotions would be high. "If he has been helping Orlando avoid us..."

"I don't know. He has to know how serious this is. You and I would have an excellent case before the Council, if it came down to it."

"Orlando would never forgive us if we let anything happen to Dave, not to mention Lawrence," Karl replied, even though he knew Harry had a point. "Besides, you still swore an oath to protect him."

"From outside forces," Harry replied. "Not from my wrath. It's far past time he and Orlando either come to terms with their new roles in each other's lives or Orlando makes the decision to have Dave as his Sire again when Viggo lifts the ban on Dave being able to sire a fledgling."

Karl didn't even bother to muffle his laughter. "Puppy, please," he managed. "Orlando is never going to change his mind about having you as his Sire. So if you're hoping --"

"I'm not. But it was Dave he ran to when this happened, not us."

"I know," Karl said, quickly sobering. "But I'm not sure I can believe that Dave has been a willing accomplice these past few months. Not when we both know that Orlando tends to be, shall we say, creative with the truth when he knows he's doing something he shouldn't."

"You know, it would take less time to say he tends to lie when he knows he's going to get in trouble," Harry commented, drily, and Karl was pleased to see a real smile curve his mouth. "A fact that Dave is also aware of, so while he might not be willing, he certainly hasn't helped the matter. Which is collusion, and we both know that as well."

"Some might argue I was guilty of the same by not breaking my bond with Orlando once it was clear he should have been your pet, not mine."

"He's ours," Harry stressed. "Anyone that's ever seen the two of you together would know that. He was always meant to be ours. Even Liv and Viggo understand this. I don't know why you're suddenly having doubts."

"I don't know, either." He couldn't even explain it to himself. He just knew something was off, and this was the easiest fix. "Maybe it's the fact that he's so easily abandoned our bond when he went to London."

"If that's the case, then I'm not meant for him any more than you are. He's been blocking me just as thoroughly."

Karl tipped his head back against the seat and closed his eyes for a moment. "We should have gone to London and confronted him the second Katie told us, but I kept waiting for him to tell us himself." And the fact that Orlando hadn't was what hurt the most.

"It's a moot point now," Harry shrugged, but Karl could feel how upset he was by it as well. "We'll have our answers in a few hours."

"And if we don't like the answers?"

Harry just offered a sad smile. "Then we deal with it and move on, the same way we always have. It wouldn't be the first time either of us has had our hearts broken."

"You'll always have me," Karl assured him, and turned his head to nuzzle Harry's jaw.

He just hoped it would be enough if Orlando had truly decided to end things.

***

"No, you can't -" Orlando broke off and growled under his breath, trying to ignore the taunting coming through his headset as his fingers flew over the controller's buttons. "Look, see! Right there!"

He focused on the screen as his avatar selected an entirely different weapon than what Orlando had chosen. In his ear, Salma just laughed and he could hear her fingers clicking away as she rewrote lines of gaming code even as he played.

"I told you the select commands aren't working right, because I didn't pick that gun, dammit, I picked..." He hit pause and looked up when Aiyana stepped into the room. "Hold on a sec."

"There's someone here asking to see you," she said, without her usual bright smile.

"Who is it?" He hadn't had any visitors other than his mom and sister, and Aiyana'd met the both of them already.

"Big guy," she replied. "Not Lawrence big, but big enough. And there's another man with him, looking all fancy and aristocratic. Should I get Dave?"

Big guy...fancy and aristocratic... Orlando felt the blood drain from his face and he dropped his mental blocks. Oh, fuck... "Salma," he managed, "I'll get back to you later, okay?"

"Alright, but we are continuing this. I'll talk to you later," she replied, but he was barely aware of the words.

He yanked off his headset with trembling fingers. He needed a drink - or several. "I'll, um..." Was that his heart pounding so loud? "I've got this, 'Yana."

Aiyana's eyes narrowed. Orlando wondered if he was as pale as he felt. "I'm going to get Dave," she said, and left the room. He didn't try to stop her. Maybe Dave's presence might be enough to prevent the inevitable bloodshed.

He tugged at his t-shirt, silently wishing he was a little more formally dressed (although he had no idea why) and stepped into the hallway. Guilt, lust, love, terror - too many emotions to count - slammed into him at his first sight of Harry and Karl in over three months. Harry was casually dressed in jeans and a black Henley, hair pulled back, and Karl was dressed down (for him), in a crisp pair of black trousers and a sapphire-blue silk shirt. Orlando thought it might've been one he'd given Karl, but he couldn't be certain.

He stuffed one hand into his back pocket and lifted the other. "Um, hey guys." He wondered if they could sense his fear, then laughed at himself for the stupidity of the thought. Vampires, duh.

Harry looked up first, followed by Karl, and the force of their gaze was like being struck by dueling hammers. "Orlando." There was a wealth of emotion in the word, but Harry didn't move. Karl didn't offer a greeting.

"Um..." Christ, why couldn't he think? "Is everything okay? What are...I mean, what're you doing here?"

Karl's smile held all the warmth of a glacier. "Funny, that's precisely the question we were going to ask you."

Orlando winced, then pulled himself up straight and lifted his head so he could look them in the eye. If he was going to die (or worse), he'd be damned if he'd do it on his knees. Or, with them knocking, at the very least. "I'm sorry," he quietly said, trying to convey that through his bonds with them, not sure if they were even receiving anything. "I know, um -"

"You're sorry?" An elegant eyebrow lifted. "What do you feel the need to apologize for?"

"Um..." Okay, so they weren't going to make it easy on him. Not that he had expected them to, but he hadn't exactly expected to sincerely feel like he was mere seconds away from death based on the next words out of his mouth. And they were words that Orlando didn't have.

Then Dave came around the corner.

"Oh, fuck me," Dave said in a strangled voice, and yeah, Orlando thought that summed it up nicely.

Harry held up a single finger. "Not now, Dave. This doesn't concern you." It was Harry's full-on 'military leader' voice, one that Orlando had (thankfully) heard only rarely, and really never needed to hear again.

Dave, to his considerable credit, didn't run screaming from the room. He glanced at Orlando, then back to Harry and Karl. "Harry -"

"You've done enough. Am I clear?"

Dave swallowed, then nodded. "Use the living room. I assume you remember where it is," he said, then, with an apologetic smile for Orlando, disappeared back around the corner.

Coward, Orlando thought, then immediately wished he could join Dave in running away. Which, actually, was probably the problem, but whatever.

"After you," Karl said to Orlando, with an expansive sweep of his hand, like this was his house, and not Dave and Lawrence's.

Orlando took a deep breath, then nodded. No sense arguing, not with the expressions on their faces. He led the way to the living room, not pausing as he walked straight to the bar. No one said a word as Orlando poured two glasses of scotch before finally turning to face them.

"Have a seat," he quietly said, walking back to hold the drinks out, not at all surprised when neither one of them moved. So he set the glasses on the coffee table and sat in the chair facing the sofa, and watched as they both sat down.

"How, um, how're things? In L.A., I mean? Is everything - everyone - good?" He couldn't believe the inanity of the question, but he couldn't sit in this suffocating silence for another moment.

"I'm wondering if I should be relieved or not to know that it's not just us that you've abandoned and disappeared from," Karl mused, ignoring Orlando's wince. "Everyone's fine, thank you. But I do have a message from Viggo."

Yeah, okay, this was even worse than he'd thought if Viggo was involved. "Um, okay?"

"He expects you back at your desk within a fortnight if you would like to keep your position as his assistant."

"Oh." For some reason, Orlando was a little thrown by the, well - mundaness? mundanity? - of the threat. Losing his job sounded so...plebian when compared to the punishments Orlando knew Viggo could dish out. "Is, um, is that why you two're here? For Viggo?"

"I am ashamed to admit that it took Viggo's nudge to get us on the plane," Harry said, sounding as if he was carefully choosing each word. "And for that, I apologize. We should have been out here months ago to bring you home."

"Provided you even want to come home," Karl added, just as carefully. It was beginning to freak Orlando out how blank their faces were. "If you'd rather not...well, it's best we do this now rather than drag it out the way we did with Dave."

"The way...what?" Orlando frowned, then stared at them, horrified, as it clicked. "No! I don't...you...is that what you think?"

Karl tilted his head and looked at Orlando as if he was some new species that Karl was trying to puzzle out. "What else are we supposed to think?"

"Not that. I want to come home."

"Then why haven't you?"

Orlando's gaze shifted to Harry, and he was certain his heart stopped for a second. Of course that would be the first thing they'd want to know, seeing as how it was the one thing Orlando didn't want to answer. And frankly wasn't sure he could answer.

Not with anything that made sense.

"I don't know," he finally admitted, looking down at his hands clasped between his knees. "But I never even thought about asking for, for...that."

"You know we can't break it, or even offer to break it," Harry reminded him, in a gentle voice that managed to freak Orlando out even more than the whole military god one from earlier. "All we can do is remind you that you do have that right, and if you've changed your mind -"

"I haven't," Orlando snapped, because, seriously, there was no way he was going to let Harry finish that sentence. "And if either of you brings it up again, I'll...I dunno, hit you or something."

Harry, to Orlando's surprise, just smirked at Karl. "Told you, old man. But go right ahead and offer."

"Smug doesn't become you." Then Karl turned his attention back to Orlando. "At the risk of repeating myself, what were we supposed to think? You've been gone for months. Worse, you've been blocking us for months. If this is about you sleeping with Aubrey -"

"She told you?" Orlando was positive every bit of blood had drained from his face. He felt frozen to his seat.

Karl shook his head. "No. But it wasn't hard to guess. Although I fail to see why that would be enough to send you running over 6000 miles, and for you to shut us out of your life completely."

Orlando opened his mouth, then closed it. His brain was still playing catch-up, and the words just weren't there. He looked down again, counting each inhalation as he tried to center himself. So far, it wasn't working. "I freaked out," he finally said, quietly, "I panicked. I just...I don't know."

"Try," Harry said, voice still gentle, but there was a faint hint of steely command in it.

He didn't answer right away. He'd already done enough acting and speaking without thinking. After a few minutes of silence (and he was pathetically grateful that they didn't try to fill it), he took a deep breath. "I guess I didn't think you'd understand," he said, holding up a hand without looking at them. He didn't need to see them to know they'd both opened their mouths to argue. "You both knew who you were at an early age. I didn't, not really. My whole life I thought I was something that, apparently, I'm not."

He glanced up when Harry let out a sound that might've been a chuckle if not for the harsh, grating tone to it. "You honestly thought that I, of all people, wouldn't understand exactly what it is you were feeling?" he asked, and he didn't sound mad or pissed off. He sounded...hurt.

Orlando offered what he knew was an ineffectual shrug. "Well, no, I mean, you're...well..."

Harry glanced at Karl, who simply covered one of Harry's hands in his own. When he returned his gaze to Orlando, he looked defeated. "I know precisely what it means to spend your life thinking you're one thing, only to find out differently," Harry said, and oh. Oh. Oh God.

As realization dawned, Orlando's eyes widened and he stared, horrified, at Harry. (He couldn't look at Karl. Not yet.) Harry, who'd spent his entire mortal life believing he was straight and following the doctrine of a Church that condemned homosexual inclinations...until Karl. Fuck, Harry had told him about what that had felt like, how his entire world had been thrown upside down and sideways and how long it had taken him to truly come to terms with what he'd felt for Karl. Hell, even Karl had told him - one of the few things Karl had actually talked to him about in those early days. And he'd just...forgotten. He'd panicked, and acted without thinking, and, Jesus, how could he have forgotten that Harry would have understood, and wouldn't have laughed at him or made light of the situation.

"I'm sorry," he croaked, through dry lips. "I didn't mean..."

Harry simply closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. "I am, too," he said, without opening his eyes. "More than you realize."

"We both know what it's like," Karl added quietly. "Before Harry, I'd never desired another man. And until you, there was only Harry."

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck... Orlando curled forward a little, burying his face in his hands as he tried to breathe. He felt raw, wrecked, shattered. "I'm sorry. I just...fuck."

"Have I ever given you reason to believe that I wouldn't listen to your fears? That I would brush off your concerns and treat them as less than important?"

"No," Orlando whispered.

"Then why would you think I would do that over something as important and life changing as this?"

"I didn't." Orlando wanted to go to them, to slide in between them and wrap himself in their scent. He wanted Harry's arms around him, wanted Karl to cuddle him, but he held himself in the chair and tried to focus. "I didn't, not really. I just...I wasn't thinking. I never meant to hurt either one of you, I swear. And I am so fucking sorry."

"We believe you," Karl said, but hearing it didn't make Orlando feel any better. Just the opposite, really.

"Yeah, I get it. You believe me, it just doesn't matter, right?" He tried not to sound as frightened as he felt.

"Stop." Now it was Karl's turn to let out a slow breath. "Stop assuming you know what our reactions will be. Of course it matters."

Orlando winced at the quiet rebuke. "I'm sorry, I just...I guess I do that a lot, huh? I mean, assume how you two are going to act before I even ask."

Harry offered a small smile, and seeing it loosened a little bit of the knot tying its way around Orlando's heart. "It has been known to happen."

"Once or twice," Karl offered, in that familiar, dry drawl of his, and Orlando wanted to cry at finally hearing it.

"I am so, so sorry." He honestly couldn't think of anything else to say. He wanted nothing more than to wrap himself around the two of them and for them to take him home where they could pretend this whole thing had never happened, but he knew he wasn't going to get it. "I don't know what you want me to do to make it up to you, but I swear, I'll do -"

"We don't want you to do anything," Harry interrupted. "Not for our sakes, at least."

"But it's clear now that we've all...lost our way with each other," Karl added. "Maybe we were too focused on your recovery or other concerns, I don't know." And just hearing Karl say those words was enough of a shock.

"But we must have gone wrong somewhere for you to feel like your only recourse of action was to go to your former Sire," Harry said.

Orlando bit his bottom lip and studied them for a moment, trying to sort out what he wanted to say. "It's just...Dave knows me better than anyone else, even Lij. And he doesn't, I don't know, expect me to be something I'm not yet."

Karl frowned. "And we do?"

"Sometimes. I mean, sometimes I think you forget that I'm basically an infant compared to the two of you. And I get that, I do, because I am supposed to act a certain way, being pet to both of you, and I know that I fall short of that a lot, but I just...fuck, this isn't coming out right."

"Take your time," Karl suggested.

So Orlando took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and tried his best to focus. "I don't need Dave. I mean, I do, but not like that," he finally said, speaking slowly and trying not to fuck up again. "Harry's right. My only excuse is that I wasn't thinking. I didn't think. It...Aubrey happened, and it confused the hell out of me, and I just...I didn't mean to be gone this long."

He paused, then sat up straight. "I want to come home."

Continued in Part Two