On rape and men (Oh yes, I'm going there)

[cereta]

Yes, we've hit one of those times. Something has been building, and it has to come out.

Comments

[splash_the_cat]

Yes. So much. I want men to stand up and do the heavy lifting on these issues. I want them to realize it's their responsibility to do so.

[cereta]

What's sad is that at the moment, I would settle for them not shooting us down when we point it out. Although, DAMN do fathers need to to step up with their sons. That's a two-decade-old rant on my part, no lie.

[splash_the_cat]

Oh god, yes. Every time I hear men (and women) talk about how they don't want girls, that girls are hard to raise, and boys are so easy, I want to scream. Boys don't raise themselves to respect women.

[jonbaker]

There's a big ad about this on a phone booth near my house. Picture of a boy in a sweatshirt, and a list of orders a parent might give him: Get dressed. Do your homework. Call us when you get there. Clean your room. Respect women.

[cereta]

{{hugs}} It was the subject of a long talk in my household before I posted.

[ficangel]

This, this, this. I have an ex, whom I remember as The One Who Got Away, who mocked me mercilessly, brought me aspirin, and gleefully cooked eggs the morning after I passed out staggering drunk in his apartment. And yet, in spite of the fact that he was all around a pretty cool dude, it is this act of baseline decency for which I remember him most clearly, and how fucked up is that? And I was talking to my sister-in-law earlier tonight, and she mentioned that one of the earliest things that attracted her to my brother was that she never felt as if he would rape or hit her when she was alone with him, and how fucked up is that?

I hate that we still live in a society where every time that a woman is raped, we immediately focus on the case studies (never statistics, of course) of women who have lied, and ignore the chorus of, "THIS, THIS, THIS." Because heaven forbid we should have to acknowledge that THERE IS A FUCKING PROBLEM HERE.

[rosefox]

The thing that most colors my memory of my first kiss is how absolutely terrified I was that he was going to sexually assault me. I was 14, at home, with my mother in the house, in a room with no sound privacy; I kept reminding myself that if I screamed she would hear me and come running, and hoping I would be able to scream if I needed to

[zandperl]

he was appalled when he realized I viewed it as assault (which I think many men and women would not have).I really wish we could let others see things through our brains. I've had this happen too (a guy held me by the shoulders and kissed me on the cheek while I sat frozen and unable to react), and at the time I was young and naive enough that *I* didn't realize I viewed it as assault until nearly a year later. That is, at the time I *reacted* as if it were assault (when he left I double locked my door when I usually didn't lock it at all, huddled in a ball on the floor for the next hour, terrified to even leave my bedroom to use the bathroom because he might be standing outside the room still despite my having heard him leave the apartment hours before, and then when I did go to the bathroom I didn't turn on the lights and darted quickly next to the wall), but I didn't consciously recognize how I had reacted until I reflected on it months later

[aliaras]

I feel you - I'm only just realizing how fucked up my just-past relationship was, and how borderline skeevy the sex, particularly the later sex was. It's fucked me up good and I didn't realize that's how I was reacting until four months after the breakup, and I'm still in denial about it because I don't want to face that I let my guard down when I shouldn't have.

And that's fucked up, that I have to guard myself against someone who "loves" me and blame myself for letting it get that far.

He was one of those ones who "respects" women, too. Some people take that information and blend it with cultural things to get Nice Guy status.

[thefourthvine]

When I was 14, a friend and I took acid, not realizing the SSRIs we were on would magnify the effect. So we took more. Even though we were relatively experienced drug users, we took far, far more than we should have, and pretty much lost our sense, our brains, and our ability to protect ourselves

[nellorat]

Thanks for telling this story.

[rosefox]

What an amazing story. I'm so glad you were okay.

[cereta]

Thank you.

[ranalore]

Oh, man, this. Senor started out a good guy, but he was very much a good guy whose inclination was to say to a woman bringing up this problem, "Hey, not all guys are like that," rather than to say to another man trying to dismiss the problem, "Hey, the fact that you're dismissing what she's saying is a symptom." He's not perfect by any means, but on this issue at least, there's been progress. Now not only is he the guy who will knock another guy on his ass for touching a woman without her permission (and he's in a position of authority over several U.S. sailors), not only is he the guy the female sailors stay close to when abroad and out on the town, who they ask for help and rides and proper procedures, but he's also the guy who looks at a fellow sailor griping about "that bitch who wouldn't put out" and tells him to think really carefully about why a woman might not be interested in a man who talked about her like that. He reinforces the idea of uncoerced consent, and never lets his guys not question themselves

[cereta]

Yes. It is both great that he is that guy, and sad that we have to consider him great for it.

[moral_vacuum]

I don't generally agree with the idea of human cloning, but in his case I'd definitely make an exception.

It's a case of wanting giving a lecture which ends "...and this is what a REAL man does. Macho assholes please note".

[ranalore]

That's it exactly. He feels, and says, that the baseline for a real man should be decent human being.