What's sad is that at the moment, I would settle for them not shooting us down when we point it out. Although, DAMN do fathers need to to step up with their sons. That's a two-decade-old rant on my part, no lie.
Oh god, yes. Every time I hear men (and women) talk about how they don't want girls, that girls are hard to raise, and boys are so easy, I want to scream. Boys don't raise themselves to respect women.
There's a big ad about this on a phone booth near my house. Picture of a boy in a sweatshirt, and a list of orders a parent might give him: Get dressed. Do your homework. Call us when you get there. Clean your room. Respect women.
I'm in the parents' kitchen washing dishes or some such. My dad wanders in and without introduction or transition goes off on a Thing about my wee brother and all his female friends. "So and so and her internship and Princeton this summer, and such and such going to do summer nursing programming in international medicine in Uganda, and thus and such and her history prize."
... ... ... pause... ... ...
"And I *hope* your brother and his guy friends realize how amazing these women are, and what talents they have and how ambitious and goal oriented they are. And no woman like that will put up with stupid male behavior, like, see, when your aunt's husband he jadda jadda, and she was out of there. Those guys, they'd better realize they have to be worthwhile to bother with!"
Then he turned on his heel and went out of the kitchen with his cup of coffee.
I know, right? He also picked my copy of Gloria Naylor's fabulous magical realism black feminist ala Beloved only not so traumatic "Mama Day" up when I was home for break in college. I must have left it on the stairs or something.
My dad is more your "U-boat Histories, French mystery novels, and Flashman" kind of reader than your "Warrior Woman, Sula" reader. But if you leave it lying around, chances are good he'll just pick it up and give it a whirl.
So, in another kitchen sink incident, he wanders in and without intro or backstory, begins "now, see in that scene where the etc etc and the mother character jadda jadda, and the preservation of culture blah blah, and the power of motherhood yar-de-yar." And again takes the coffee cup and wanders off.
He's pretty amazing. I shouldn't be amazed, given his track record, but I am.
I maintain this is why my two brothers have turned out as awesome as they have.
One of the things that's now missing in English society is an understanding of what it means to be a gentleman. Polite, respectful, treating others as one would wish to be treated, not taking advantage etc. The more unfashionable aspects of gentlemanly behaviour - the superficial stuff - got jettisoned but unfortunately so did the good bits.
Boys need to be taught that "manly virtues" mean behaving like someone worthy of trust and respect, no matter how others might be behaving or thinking, or if people aren't expecting these virtues from you.
Hi, you don't know medrwexJune 11 2009, 19:45:46 UTC
But you've been pointed at by a whole bunch of friends. So I'm sort of reading bits here and there.
I'm the father of two young boys, the oldest of whom will be old enough for this kind of conversation to start in a year or so. And I haven't the faintest idea where to begin.
Re: Hi, you don't know medrwexJune 11 2009, 20:50:08 UTC
Thank you. I appreciate your willingness to engage and assist. I will say that I'm having a hard time just finding good material to help my boys understand the basics of sexuality (where's the male "Our Bodies Ourselves"?) and I'm really dreading trying to explain to a 10-year-old a complex social reality that I myself don't have a good handle on.
I'll leave your comment in my inbox for a while and if I don't hear back I'll send a note. I can also give you my gmail if that'd be easier for you.
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And yes. Needs saying. All the time. Respect all human beings.
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This is a fantastic post!
And, one reason why I *love* my dad is this:
I'm in the parents' kitchen washing dishes or some such. My dad wanders in and without introduction or transition goes off on a Thing about my wee brother and all his female friends. "So and so and her internship and Princeton this summer, and such and such going to do summer nursing programming in international medicine in Uganda, and thus and such and her history prize."
... ... ... pause... ... ...
"And I *hope* your brother and his guy friends realize how amazing these women are, and what talents they have and how ambitious and goal oriented they are. And no woman like that will put up with stupid male behavior, like, see, when your aunt's husband he jadda jadda, and she was out of there. Those guys, they'd better realize they have to be worthwhile to bother with!"
Then he turned on his heel and went out of the kitchen with his cup of coffee.
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My dad is more your "U-boat Histories, French mystery novels, and Flashman" kind of reader than your "Warrior Woman, Sula" reader. But if you leave it lying around, chances are good he'll just pick it up and give it a whirl.
So, in another kitchen sink incident, he wanders in and without intro or backstory, begins "now, see in that scene where the etc etc and the mother character jadda jadda, and the preservation of culture blah blah, and the power of motherhood yar-de-yar." And again takes the coffee cup and wanders off.
He's pretty amazing. I shouldn't be amazed, given his track record, but I am.
I maintain this is why my two brothers have turned out as awesome as they have.
Reply
Boys need to be taught that "manly virtues" mean behaving like someone worthy of trust and respect, no matter how others might be behaving or thinking, or if people aren't expecting these virtues from you.
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I'm the father of two young boys, the oldest of whom will be old enough for this kind of conversation to start in a year or so. And I haven't the faintest idea where to begin.
Do you have pointers I can follow?
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I'll leave your comment in my inbox for a while and if I don't hear back I'll send a note. I can also give you my gmail if that'd be easier for you.
Reply
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